Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Chapter 1 - Hermione's POV

We spent the morning tending to Hagrid's creatures, uprooting weeds and watering the pumpkin patch. He left us with these chores in his absence.

And thus, myself Harry and Ron walk back to the castle gate passing by a playful bunch on a sunny day. I feel pleasantly tired, in a state of reverie, awaiting a certain hour later in the evening. And there's Pansy walking by just when I thought of her and our due rendezvous.

She's got her one strap bag over her shoulder and gives me a serious, but unreadable look. I can't help but to respond with a discrete smile, mindful of my friends beside me. I'm aware it would upset her if anyone noticed, and I try to follow the rules.

Just as we look at each other a red flash hits Pansy and slams her into the castle wall. Immediately I drop my bag and a bucket of vegetables from the other hand and rush over to her.

She's clearly dazed, but already getting up. I grab her, scuffling trough her hair for signs of blood. "Are you hurt?"

I get pushed away at once. "Get away mudblood! What the hell?!" She snaps staring me down.

I realize I just made a big mistake and overreacted. "Sorry." I whisper quietly and turn my attention to the group of 2nd year's duelling. It's from their direction that this stray hex came from. As a perfect I show no mercy and deal negative points for pretty much every house.

They disperse rather fast, urged away by my scolding, and Pansy walks off unnoticeably to wherever she was heading. I'm left with Harry and Ron as they join me.

"Well, that was a bit harsh." Ron says, commenting on my reaction towards the young ones.

"They earned it! Let's go!" I snap, still fuming with rage.

Though my friends walk silently beside me, I sense a tension in the air. So I speak first. "They just can't act like that! Kids or not, they can still injure someone, even if a Slytherin, it's still not alright."

Harry and Ron nod in agreement, but it seems rather forced. I'm not sure I managed to divert their attention from the real issue, which is me and Pansy.

I don't know how it all started, but I'm certain I care too much for her by now. Evident by what just happened, seeing her hurt really scared me. Though my reaction was unnecessary and she'll be pissed off about it for sure.

"Hermione!" I hear someone call me and I snap out of it. I realize the last class is over and I'm left sitting here in an empty classroom.

"Let's go Hermione!" Harry and Ron howl from the door.

"Right! I'll be right there." I pick up my stuff and rush to catch up.

"You've been so absent lately. What's going on?" Ron prods.

"Nothing… just got a lot on my mind."

"Like what?" Harry joins in.

"The usual, schoolwork and tests, I'm worried about passing Potions." I lie with the most concerned expression I can muster, but I can tell they didn't buy it so I think up an excuse. "I gotta get something from the library, see you guys later." I run off behind the corner than up the swirling staircase, way up to the old astronomy tower.

I'm so glad I found this abandoned classroom. I always get here a bit early and take a moment to look around. This place means so much to me. It's where we've been meeting for the past few months, and where I've come to find release from the restraining nature of the world.

I'm sure Pansy feels the same way about it. I love every dusty book on the circular bookshelf that goes all around this room. There's a big bronze solar system model in the middle that I enjoy spinning.

I knock it off after a while and lie down on the raggedy red couch in the corner and open up the large window with a flick of a wand. The fresh afternoon air blows in and reveals a great view of the sky.

I can't help but to doze off for a while and when I open my eyes the sky is a darker shade of blue, and the moon is slowly fading in.

I look down on myself to see I'm still wearing my coarse grey sweater and jeans, an outfit I reserve solely for yard work. The day has been so crazy that I hadn't the time to change. Good thing that the professors were considerate about it.

I jump up when Pansy walks in, and walk to meet her in the middle of the round tower room. She locks the door with a spell and proceeds towards me.

I smile at her serious stare which doesn't at all improve her mood.

She drops her bag on the step that separates the lower area in the middle, and without a warning she pushes me back into the solar model. "What the hell was that!?" She snaps. "I told you no signs of affection in public!"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry." I raise my hands defensively. "I was just worried about you. It looked to me like you were injured."

"Oh shut up! It was noting." She crosses her arms disdainfully.

"I'm sorry." I repeat.

"I'm not the girl in this relationship! I can take care of myself, alright!?"

Hearing that brings a smile to my face again. "So you do admit we're in a relationship?" I tease.

"Of sorts… but not like you think, and not for long if you pull this shit again." She threatens poking me with her index finger.

"Alright, I'll be careful next time, just relax."

"Don't tell me what to do." She starts pushing me back as I walk backwards all the way to the old red couch. When we reach it she slams me down on my back.

"Hey!" I protest, but with a smirk. I do like it when she gets a bit aggressive. Aggravating her may just be worth it.

She unbuttons my jeans before stopping.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

She looks at me top to bottom. "What the hell are you wearing?! You look like a raggedy homeless witch."

"These are my work clothes. I hadn't the time to…"

"Work? What work?"

"We were just helping out Hagrid…"

"Forget I asked!" She stops me weaving a hand and helps me pull the heavy sweater over my head."

We make love, more passionate than usual. When we're done, we're both sweaty and exhausted. I lay on my back and Pansy lays atop of me and rests her head on my shoulder. Lucky for me the couch is too narrow for two people to lie beside each other.

"That was pretty amazing." I say, running my fingers trough her silky black hair.

"Yea." She says lazily, in a way that's not at all reassuring.

She usually finds words superfluous beyond this point, we're usually quiet for a while, but I have an unbearable itch to tell her a few things. "Pansy?"

"What?" She drones, already annoyed that I'm disturbing the silence.

"I wanted to tell you about today…" I hesitate, giving her enough time to place a hand over my mouth, which I move away to continue. "The way I reacted was…"

"Yea, yea, you don't have to apologise again. Just think before you act next time."

"No! I don't mean to apologise." I snap getting a bit cross, which is the only way I can get a word in with her. "I mean to say that it really hurt me to see you hurt. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you." I manage to finish, frowning, and thinking that sounded lame, and that she'll just shut me up again.

Surprisingly she stays quiet and still, as if she's actually thinking about something I said. I don't know weather to take it as a good sign though.

She gets on her elbows to look me in the eye. "What do you mean by that?" She asks, piercing me with those cold blue eyes.

I know it wouldn't be as simple as just saying I love you. Not with her. I knew I'd have to explain it somehow, so I proceed. "All I know is that if something were to happen to you, I'd do anything to help you."

"And what if you…" She pauses and looks away. "…couldn't help me?"

I'm really puzzled by that question, though my answer is clear. "I'd be really sad. In fact I'd be miserable." I say and look away at this point, unable to stand her gaze now. It's like she can see trough me and everything I say sounds cliché, though it's all true. "I don't think I could go on without you, I realized that today, there just wouldn't be any point. What do you call that?" I ask her.

She smirks, sensing what I'm trying to utter. "I call it protecting your own fantasy."

"Oh come on! There's a word people use."

"Love? You know I don't believe in that bullshit."

"Yea, so you claim." I sourly confirm.

"Get real Granger, we're just useful to each other for the time being. Love is only an ill-conceived fantasy of personality including an another, a habit or a use, but temporally bound and yielding…"

"Yielding to what?"

"To higher laws, like gravity, existence…" She makes a pause reaching for my crotch. "…and fucking." She says, and I swat off her hand.

"You can't seriously believe that!"

"I do. I'm sure my parents "loved" each other once, for all the good that it brought me." She drones sarcastically.

"Why are you always so negative?"

"I'm just realistic. I can see you're one of those people who need such fantasies for sustenance. I'm sure you'll love to death anyone you eventually end up with."

"What do you mean?!" I get a bit cross again.

"Just what I said." She gets off me to leave.

I grab her wrist and pull her back down. "I aim to end up with you." I say, seriously hurt that she didn't count herself with me in the future.

"Is that so?" She retorts as if I just challenged her to a staring contest.

"Yes." I confirm without blinking.

She stares into my eyes, searching for doubt, or perhaps giving me time to reconsider, but when neither occurs she smirks, the smug way you'd smirk at a child for its naiveté. "Get real Granger!"

"I really wish you'd call me Hermione."

"I like Granger, it fits you. Besides I don't wanna blurt out your name somewhere I'm not supposed to. You should call me Parkinson too." She says and puts her head back down on my shoulder.

"I don't like Parkinson at all."

"You and me both." She says absent-mindedly coiling a strand of my hair around her finger.

"No, I just mean, I prefer your name." I explain.

"Aha…" She responds dozing off.

"Granger…" She calls out after a few silent moments.

"Yea?"

"Do you think there's a god or some sort of a supreme being?"

"Hmm… I just don't know."

"I like that answer, but if you had to guess, what would you say happens after death?"

"Again with this talk of death, it's like you're obsessed with it!" I snap.

"Indulge me please."

I guess I have to when she asked me so nicely. At least we're talking for a change, and I guess I could try to make it more cheerful. "If I had to guess, I'd say there's a big castle in the clouds where everyone's happy."

"Very funny." She drones sarcastically. "Here's what I think. The creator is the created, one fractal and endless entity. Doomed to exist forever, but in war with itself, and suffering under the rules it set. Stretched to contrast, and unaware. Shattered in tiny pieces, but waiting to implode again. Implode and explode, an entire universe like a beating of a heart." She makes a hand gesture staring blankly into space.

"A heart stops."

"And there lies our hope." She says lazily.

"Well…" I begin unable to continue. That was certainly too much at once for me. "…sounds jolly." I sarcastically conclude now that she all but ruined my mood. "I say whatever. Life is good when I'm in love."

"Again with this love, I told you I don't buy it. If you want love find some other girl."

"But I don't want anyone else!" I protest.

"Why not?! What makes me so special?"

"I guess… I feel we are similar in some way… though you can be pretty mean sometimes, which I don't quite understand."

"I'm just honest. You think your friends are merry and considerate all the time? Try endangering their position and you'll see what they really are. I don't fake it, takes too much effort and I don't see the point."

"Wouldn't hurt you to be a bit more civil?"

"It would. Just shut up!"

"Alright." I accept.

"What else?" She prods again.

"Ok, let me see…" I pause to think. I sense she asked me just to hear something good about herself. I imagine she hadn't heard any praise in a while. "I know… You're very thoughtful and interesting. I guess I knew from the start that there's a lot more under the surface, but you're even smarter then I could imagine."

"Of course." She agrees.

"And I meant what I said before, you're beautiful." I say caressing her pale cheek.

"Well, thanks." She says moving away my hand. "I gotta go." She puts on her school shirt over those skinny ribs.

I put on my jeans and sweater as well and go sit on the step in the middle of the room where she dropped her bag. Her bag conveniently fell open and I get a peek inside.

Pansy lights up a smoke by the window. "Want one?" She offers me one of her handmade herbal rolls.

"No." I respond focused more on how to peek inside her bag.

She's got her back turned, and I'm way too curious to pass this opportunity. I see a couple of books and notebooks inside. I'm sure they're not like mine, but crisp and scarce with side-notes. This gives me the idea to keep the conversation going while I rummage trough her bag.

"Are you getting ready for the N.E.W.T.s?" I ask.

"Fucking school! Please don't mention those again…" She blows out a smoke looking out on the scenery. "Those daily distractions… so boring."

"I wouldn't call school a distraction." I argue, digging deeper. She won't notice me if I keep her talking.

"That's exactly what I'd call it. They don't teach you to think, they teach you to obey. That's the basic idea. Every deception is just to complete that domestication process."

"Yea Pansy, but what would there be otherwise? Chaos? You're being way too exclusive." I say happening upon a strange little notebook.

I flip it open and notice a skull drawn in the corner of the page. Girls usually draw hearts or flowers but this doesn't surprise me at all.

Pansy goes on ranting about school, and I just respond affirmatively to keep her talking while hastily reading the text scribbled above the drawing. It reads:

Chosen to carry this illusion,

A soldier of the restitution,

Of balance in the absence of conclusion,

But I hide,

By day and night and out of sight,

That I might be free,

In truth and reverie,

…

I don't get to the end before she notices me.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"I'm sorry. I was just looking at your drawings. They're really good."

"I know!" She says snatching the black notebook out of my hand and stuffing it back in her bag. "Just don't touch my stuff ever again!"

"Sorry."

"And stop apologising all the time! Makes you sound so fucking pathetic!"

I remain quiet, bowing my head down. She kinda turned mean, but I do blame myself for being too curious. I did invade her privacy after all.

"It's alright, just don't do it again." She repeats calmly, disarming the tension. "Let's head back to the stinking school." She yawns stretching out, and her shirt pulls up revealing her tiny waistline.

"You're way too skinny." I notice.

"So?"

"I just don't think it's healthy, that's all."

"I'll get fat if you'll be my housewife and cook for me." She grabs hold of my buttock.

"No way!" I laugh shoving her off. I play along though she once again mocked the idea of us staying together after school. "If anyone's cooking, it's gonna be you." I retort, squeezing her ass back.

"Not to argue, the house elves will do it." She teases, knowing how I feel about that.

We joke around till we reach the junction point where we usually split ways.

"Till tomorrow than?" I ask.

"Nope, can't tomorrow. Busy. I'll let you know, ok?"

"Alright." I give her a quick kiss on to cheek just to take another whiff of her scent which will only make the wait less bearable.

I can't get her poem out of my head. What did she mean by it? I wish I could just ask her? I have a feeling she's hiding something from me, and possibly sinister.

I know what Harry and Ron would say, she's a death eater from a family of death eaters, but I just can't imagine a person so thoughtful would be involved in something so incredibly stupid and evil like Voldemort's army.