I decided to torture myself and re-watch Inside Out (GOD Pixar! You and your feels, I swear!) and when the ending scene happened, I immediately thought of poor Castiel and all his mental issues. ESPECIALLY now that Casifer's in the mix!
I apologize if it's not very well written as my other stuff cause I just caught this muse and went with it. Hope it's not too confusing... Enjoy the feels!
Oh, and if you want a soundtrack for this, turn on 'Joy Turns to Sadness/A Growing Personality' from the Inside Out OST.
"Joy...Joy!"
The normally happy emotion slightly raised his head to see the wide eyes of Fear. Only something was different; he didn't look scared like he...always did. He actually looked...happy? Joy raised his head even more to look around the dusty and disarrayed room of Headquarters. How long had it been since they had been shut down? Weeks? Months?
Ever since Castiel had said 'yes' to being Lucifer's vessel, it felt like everything was just in a void of darkness. Castiel had been asleep for most of the possession, leaving the emotions in a dark room. The control panel had turned inky black, completely useless to them. Every now and then, buttons would be pressed and levers would be pulled by an invisible force, but the emotions were unable to see the effects.
However, when Joy laid eyes on the control panel, he thought he was hallucinating. The panel was white again, the black was gone! Disgust was checking it out, and sure enough, everything was working properly. The could touch the control panel again!
"Are...Are we…?" Joy asked weakly as he got to his feet.
Fear nodded excitedly, "We're free! Lucifer's gone!"
"About damn time…" Anger growled, though the relief in his voice was very apparent.
"And Cas?" Joy asked. "Is he okay?"
"I think he's sleeping, lazy bum." Disgust said, a smile pulling at his face.
"He'll probably want to sleep for a long long time…" Sadness said slowly. "Maybe forever…?"
"N-No he won't!" Fear said worriedly. "H-He'll be fine! He's slept before…"
"He's an angel stupid!" Anger snapped. "He shouldn't be sleeping at all!"
"Except when he was human. He slept a whole lot then." Disgust pointed out, shuddering at the memory. He had been livid when Dean had kicked Castiel out of the bunker and Anger gladly backed him up before Sadness and Joy took over to make it look like they were fine with it.
"Calm down!" Joy said. "We're still here so that means Castiel's fine; he just got possessed, he's probably just exhausted."
The rest of the emotions seemed to calm down and Fear spoke up, "Not that I'm not glad that Castiel's not possessed anymore but...how did it happen?"
"How should we know?" Anger asked sharply. "We've been shoved to the side for who knows how long!"
"Dean and Sam…" Joy said softly. "It had to have been Dean and Sam! It had to!"
"But they don't care about us…" Sadness said softly, looking at the ground. "We're just expendable to them…why would they save us?"
No one said anything. Lately, poor Sadness had been just about crushed flat by the weight of life's problems. It was bad enough when Fear had been so on edge after Dean attacked them with the Mark of Cain that he had been constantly bringing up those horrible memories, but after talking with Ambriel, Sadness had felt more heavy than ever before.
Sadness desperately wanted to take control, wanting to let out some of his terrible feelings, but there never was an appropriate time as Fear kept pointing out. They had reassured Sadness multiple times that the time would eventually come, but it never did.
Ever since the beginning, they knew that Castiel's emotions would eventually get bottled up, but never like this.
An angel's mind worked far differently from a human's. All angels were created with emotions, they were just trained not to use them. But Castiel's mind was different than any human's or angel's.
As a fledgling, Castiel's emotions were allowed to do what they pleased. Taking care of their boy and helping him live his life. For many centuries they did this, Joy taking the helm most of the time. Castiel's curiosity was something to behold and Joy loved every minute of it.
However, his curiosity usually led to asking questions, which led to him getting into trouble and needing Sadness to take the lead for a while. But for the most part, Castiel was a good angel. A happy angel. But as he grew, and training began to eat up more and more of his time, the emotions slowly felt themselves being pushed aside for the sake of following orders.
When Castiel was given his very first order as a soldier of Heaven, the control panel went on autopilot. Castiel carried out the order without question, like every other angel in his garrison. The emotions tried to influence their angel, but it was like they were smacking on a toy keyboard.
And that was how it went from there.
The emotions simply sat back and watched as Castiel did as he was told, his mind constantly being filled with white memories, colorless and completely devoid of any kind of feeling. However, they always lingered near the control panel, because every now and then, the autopilot would turn off.
The unthinkable happened; Castiel questioned an order.
The emotions would leap at the chance and do what they believed was right. Though Castiel was reprimanded for it, it brought a little bit of color back to his memories, with yellow, red, green, purple, and blue memories sprinkled among the empty white ones. But the sight only lasted for a while.
That was when Castiel was brought to Naomi.
Headquarters shook madly as a wave of pain burst through Castiel and his emotions. The emotions all lay on the ground in pure agony as the colored memories shattered into dust, leaving only the empty ones behind once again. The pain even went as far as Long Term, wiping out the only semblances of emotion Castiel had.
This happened so many times that the emotions lost count. They hated putting Castiel through Naomi's sessions so many times, but their jobs kept them from stopping. They wanted Castiel to feel again, to have a good life like he did as a child.
That was centuries ago. But that all had changed when they rescued Dean Winchester from Hell. When the two had met, something happened that the emotions never thought they'd see.
A Core Memory appeared.
The memory was white, but the glow almost made it feel like it had color to it.
It created Castiel's very first Island of Personality: Winchester Island.
By rebelling against Heaven, Castiel had freed his emotions. Finally, they could help him once again, like when he was a child. However, centuries of being off duty took their toll, making Castiel's interactions with humanity more than a little awkward. But the amount of colored memories and occasional Core Memory made it all worth it, and Winchester Island was almost always up and running throughout everything. The island was small, but it always kept Castiel going, even in the hardest of times.
But the moment the Devil got his hands on Castiel's body, the island collapsed, along with the other islands that had been created through miraculous Core Memories that were now nothing but black orbs of nothing.
Heaven Island, Humanity Island, not even Novak Island was spared.
Sure, Lucifer was gone now, but he had left an empty shell behind.
The emotions jumped as the screen began to brighten. "He's waking up!" Fear exclaimed. The emotions rushed to the panel as Castiel's eyes slowly opened.
"Welcome back, Cas…" Joy whispered, his eyes becoming glassy.
"Uh, where exactly are we?" Disgust asked.
"Can we move? Are we injured? Are we safe?" Fear babbled as Castiel slowly began to move. Castiel slowly sat up and blinked owlishly, taking in where he was.
"A room…?" Joy asked slowly. Castiel looked down at himself, finding that his suit and trenchcoat was gone. They had been replaced with grey sweatpants, and a white t-shirt.
Disgust scoffed, "This is the outfit we get? This is way too similar to the outfit in that mental institute!" Castiel looked around more, spying his trenchcoat on the nightstand beside him. "Oh thank Father!" Disgust sighed, pushing a button.
Castiel reached out and picked up the coat, putting it back on his person. Castiel slowly began to get up and Fear quickly leapt into action, keeping a close eye to make sure Cas could still walk. "Easy, easy…" he said softly but frantically as he gently moved a lever. To his relief, Castiel got up easily, only a bit disoriented by being able to move on his own again.
Fear slowly began to move Cas around, trying to figure out where they were. The room was fairly empty except for the furniture. There was the bed, the nightstand, a chest, and a closet and dresser; all in all, nothing seemed threatening.
"Wait…" Joy said, his eyes growing wide. "I think I know where we are!" He pushed a button and Castiel walked quickly to the door, opening it to reveal a long familiar hallway. "Yes! It's the bunker!" Joy cried happily. "I knew Sam and Dean saved us! I knew it!"
Castiel stepped into the hallway and began to make his way towards the main room where familiar voices could be heard.
"Why hasn't he woken up yet?"
"Just give him time Dean, being possessed takes a lot out of you."
"It's been a week Sam! He's an angel, he should be awake by now!"
"Yeah, but he was possessed by Lucifer for over a month! Just be patient, okay?"
Joy smiled so side he thought it might split his face. He reached to make Cas move but Anger grabbed his arm. "Not so fast." he said.
"What?" Joy asked.
"We're not going in there all smiles after everything they did to us!" Anger retorted.
"But they're probably worried!" Joy protested but Anger snorted.
"Worried? Need I remind you of everything they've put Cas through?" He began to count off on his fingers. "They kicked us out of the bunker, Dean beat us to a pulp,"
"It took them weeks to figure out that Cas, their so-called best friend, was possessed," Disgust chimed in.
"And they could be mad at us for what we did!" Fear concluded.
"We're expendable…" Sadness said, curling up on the floor. "They don't care about us...no one cares about us…"
Joy felt his resolve crumble with Sadness' words, because they were right. This was not the time for Cas to be happy. Despite their best efforts, Cas was an emotional wreck, and nothing, not even they could fix it. ...Or could they?
Joy slowly raised his head as an idea came into his mind. He went to the console and pushed a number of buttons.
"What are you doing?" Fear asked.
Joy didn't answer as the recall tube came down, bringing a handful of colored memories and dropping them on the floor. He then went and took the black and dusty Core Memories out, piling them in his arms. "It's time…"
Sadness raised his head and slowly got to his feet. Joy gave him a nod, and Sadness went to the console. He pushed a lever and Castiel slowly entered the room where Sam and Dean were sitting at the table. Castiel kept his head down, his face unsure and afraid as Fear helped Sadness with the controls.
"Cas!" Dean exclaimed, he and Sam springing to their feet.
They rushed over to him, "You're up! Thank God!" Sam said.
"You okay? Can you hear us?" Dean asked, grasping his shoulders and looking him over best he could, but Cas still didn't meet his eyes. The boys guided him to a chair and pulled up their own, sitting in front of him.
"Cas, talk to us." Sam urged. "Are you okay? You've been asleep for almost a week."
Cas gave a small nod, and just about drowned out all of their words until Dean finally dropped the big question. "Damn it Cas, what were you thinking?" Dean demanded. "Why? Why did you say yes to him?"
Sadness moved to Joy and took the Core Memories from him. The memories slowly began to glow back to life, becoming a deep shade of blue. Sadness then slowly placed them all, along with the regular memories, into Recall one by one, making Castiel remember every heavy memory and burden he's ever had to carry.
All the times he felt like a hammer, a tool that was only good when useful.
All the times he thought that there was no point to him being around since he didn't have the power he used to.
All the times he tried to do the right thing only to make things worse.
...All the times he felt truly alone with no one to guide him or support him when he really needed it.
The emotions could only stare at the scars their boy had received throughout all these years. Sadness approached the console, took a deep breath, and pressed the button, making the console turn deep blue as the weight of the memories finally crashed down upon Castiel.
Castiel's eyes glassed over, he bit his lip, and finally, at long last, burst into soft sobs that he had been holding back for so long. Dean and Sam stared in astonishment; they had never seen this amount of emotion from Cas before, let alone seen him cry. "I...I know you don't...care what happens to me…" he said softly. "But I...I just wanted...to do something right for once…"
Tears dripped from his eyes as he tried to control his sobs more. "I wanted to help you...even though I'm just a-a tool to you…a-and everyone else." He glanced at the brothers ever so slightly. "I was...was hoping that you would...k-kill Lucifer and me too...because I'm expendable...I'm useless...I can't even die and stay dead…"
Castiel sniffed, his tears showing no sign of stopping. "I just want...to belong here...I don't belong anywhere else...that's all I've ever wanted…" Castiel swallowed, "But...if you don't want me here...I'll leave again...just...just don't see me as a bad angel...I just want to be an angel…"
Dean and Sam stared in horror at what they had just heard. The amount of raw emotion emanating from the angel was heart wrenching. "Cas…" Sam said softly.
Dean put a hand on his shoulder, "You listen to me," he said, softly but firmly, "You are not expendable, and you are not useless. Hell, you're the only thing we have left that's close to family."
"We screwed up Cas." Sam agreed, putting his hand on his other shoulder. "Lucifer let us know first hand that we've been treating you like crap lately."
Castiel dared to look up at them. "You...you're not mad?" he asked softly through another sob.
"Of course we're not mad." Sam said sincerely. "We're just so glad you're back. We were so worried that we wouldn't get you back."
"We need you, Cas." Dean said. "And not because you're useful or expendable, because you're family, and you'll always have a place here with us." Castiel stared.
"I know we've done a really crappy job at showing it…" Dean continued. "But you're our brother Cas; you're one of us, and nothing's gonna change that."
Castiel shook as more sobs began to come over him and Sam made a move, prompting Dean to follow. The brothers both wrapped their arms around Castiel, allowing the angel to cry into them.
Sadness let out a sigh of relief as the rest of the emotions watched with smiles on their faces. Sadness motioned for Joy to come over and the two emotions pressed the button together, making bright yellow mix with the deep blue.
Castiel slowly hugged the brother's back, almost curling into the warmth he had been craving for so long.
Inside Headquarters, a bright light began to shine. The emotions watched as a new Core Memory emerged, emitting a blue and yellow light. It slowly rolled into the Core and the emotions all looked out the window as a new giant island was formed.
It was Winchester Island, but it was bigger and stronger than ever.
The emotions all smiled with relief and happiness as they watched Castiel continue to hug Sam and Dean, none of them willing to let go anytime soon. Castiel was finally where he belonged.
He finally had a family, and he could finally be who he wanted to be. After everything their boy had been through, the emotions could finally help Cas live the life they wanted for him. And as long as he had the Winchesters, his scars would heal.
Everything was going to be alright.
When Dean and Sam save Cas they better give him some SERIOUS TLC! They need to show or at least remind Cas how important he is to them!