One day, Envy was walking along the road. "I'm bored he said to himself." Then, he took out a jar of peanut butter and ate it with a spoon. "I sure do love peanut butter!" he said. "Yummy in my tummy!"
"KWAMASHA SALSA BOP!" said a loud noise from behind. "Hmm?" Envy questioned, turning around. "AAAAAAAAH!"
And, FLUMP! There was a bird in his hair. "THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" the bird screeched. "AAAH! SHIT! THERE'S A BIRD IN MY HAIR! AAAH!" He screamed. "As ma would tell me, when there's something in your hair, you gotta use peanut butter to get it out…"
"YOU'RE MOM GOES TO COLLAGE!" The bird screamed. "OH NO YOU DI-INT!" Envy screeched. "SHU-UH!" He began swatting the bird. "GET OUT! OUT! OUTTTTT!" he yelled. And…POP!
"Huh?"
The bird…had just layed an egg…in Envy's hair. "Food, yes?" the bird said. Then, it flew off.
Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! "WOAH!"
"I know what kind of bird this is…it's a…a…OH NO! It's a Mexican!"
"Hola I'm Dora!" said a bird. Envy fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ahem-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed in slow motion.
"Envy…" said a voice from the shadows. "There is only one thing you can do…"
"What's that?" Envy asked. "……use the force…" the shadow bowed, and backed away into the darkness. "The force….the force…YES! THE FORCE!"
Pewp! "STOOPEED BIRD! MY HEAD IS NOT TO BE CRAPPED ON!"
The bird started crying. "I WANT FOOD!" it screamed. "NOW!" it yelled. "OH MY GOD, I'M FRICKIN' HUNGRY! FEED ME, WOMAN!"
Envy sweat dropped. "Why you…"
Just then, as Envy was about to smite the bird, an angel and devil appeared on his shoulders. "Oh, come on! You can't kill the poor thing!" said the Envy angel. "Yes! Yes you can! SEND IT TO HELL SO I CAN EAT IT LIKE A MARSHMELLOW!" the Envy devil screeched.
"That's a sin!"
"Hey, uh…I am a sin." Said Envy.
"Oh…oh yea…damn." The angel said. Just then, a little boy came walking up to Envy with an ice cream cone. "You want some, lady?" he asked, holding up the ice cream cone. Envy nodded. "Sure—hey, wait! Did you just call me lady!" Envy screamed. The little boy nodded. Envy raised his hand, ready to hit the boy. "Okay, what flavor is it?" he asked. "CHERRY! AND CHERRY IS FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE, SO YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! Here, I'll go pick up some tree fertilizer from Home Depot for you!"
Envy's eyes lowered. "What'd you say, punk?"
"I'M HUNGRY! FEED ME, BITCH!" the bird screamed again. Envy ignored it, and faced the boy again. Much to his surprise, the little boy was gone. "Damn…and I would have gotten away with it to, if it weren't for you kids and your dumb dog!" he screamed.
"I SAID I'M FRICKIN' HUNGRY! IF YOU WON'T FEED ME, I'LL JUST HELP MYSELF!" The bird screamed again. CHOMP! "YOWWW!" Envy screeched. "WHAT THE HELL!"
CHOMP! CHOMP CHOMP!
And that's how Envy died…
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
HAH! Whew! Well, I wrote it in about 30 minutes. Written for Feral Alchemist. Enjoy!