Regulus Arcturus Black knows this is the end as he signes the note he wrote for the Dark Lord. He knows he is going to die, he cannot live much longer after he betrayed the Dark Lord, no one can live for long after that, and he is going to die alone and lonely and only eighteen. Never been in love, never been loved by someone. (Oh he knows his parents like him enough, it is their duty after all, but he knows he was never the son they wanted. He was not the oldest—no that was Sirius, he was not the heir. He had all the traits for an heir, all the traits that Sirius supposed to have, and he knows his mother always resented him for it.)
He has so many nevers, so many regrets, it is unbelievable to fit them in his such short life.
He had never been outside England, he always thought there would be time, he could travel after he the school, after the war, after, after, always after.
He never finished all the books he wanted to read. Never found that one perfect song of his life. nevernevernevernever.
.
I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone
.
He does not remember the day Sirius left home very clearly.
He remembers there was a lot of shouting, his mother was shouting, and Sirius was shouting, and they were screaming, and shouting from top of their lungs.
"—RE ALWAYS A DISSAPPOINTMENT. WHY CAN YOU NOT BE MORE LIKE REGULUS? TAINT OF SHAME ON THE H—"
"—UT UP! THEY ARE NOT FILTH OR HALF-BREEDS OR ANYTHING THEY ARE MY FRIENDS! YOU ARE NOT SUPERIO—"
And he somewhat remembers the red print on Sirius' cheek. He certainly remembers the sound it made, the sound that made his skin crawl, the sound that made him want to vomit, want to storm downstairs and yell at both of them, yell at them to stop, to cut it out, to just not fight anymore.
He still wishes he had not hide upstairs sitting and tears streaming down his face, just listening without making a sound and instead he actually did something.
He wishes he stood up to his mother, told her to leave Sirius alone because he can have his own opinions because it is his own life and if he likes mudbloods than so what, he is still his brother, he is still the same Sirius that teased him and loved him and—he is still his brother.
He wishes he begged Sirius to stay, to not leave him because he is his big brother and how can he manage without him? How can he live without him? Turns out, he cannot. It is two—almost three years since Sirius left, and here he is, about to go to his death.
.
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone
.
("Take this locket and go, Kreacher! Destroy it. Make sure that you destroy it Kreacher! Do you understand me? It must be destroyed! And no one can know about this. Tell no one about this Kreacher. Go!")
.
I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault
.
Regulus Arcturus Black is the good boy of his family. He is nothing like his brother, he was never like Sirius.
He goes to bed when his parents tell him to, he shares his toys with his brother, he doesn't treat Kreacher bad, and he absolutely does not throw tantrums.
When he goes to Hogwarts, he gets sorted in Slytherin, just like his parents wanted, just like every other Black, and he always does his homework, and always studies his classes, he does not do pranks and he certainly never makes his teachers write home about his behaviour. He is the perfect, example student and son.
He is the golden boy of the family, and when he bends his knee in front of the man so powerful, and he pledges his life to him, and when he takes the pain and his mark and the pain—oh the pain, so fucking much pain—proudly with his head high, he becomes even more golden, even more perfect to his parents.
No, he is nothing like Sirius.
.
I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone
.
Sirius who never went to bed early without throwing tantrums.
Sirius who would always trip Kreacher and pinches his ears and treats him like vermin.
Sirius who gets sorted in Gryffindor.
Sirius who rarely does his homework and only copies it off someone else when he does, and rarely listens to his teachers.
Sirius who always plays pranks, always makes his teachers so furious, so outraged that they wrote about his behaviour, about his detentions, about everything he does to their parents almost every month.
Sirius who is the rebel of the family.
Sirius who at sixteen finally snaps and leaves his home, his family.
Sirius whose name is only a burn on the family tapestry—the tapestry that belonged to the family for seven centuries, the tapestry that has every Black's name—now.
No Regulus Arcturus Black, the golden boy, the Death Eater, walking his death willingly, he was nothing like Sirius Orion Black.
(He wishes he could be more like him.)
.
He tries to write a letter to Sirius. A letter that explains everything, every little corner of his heart to Sirius, but after his fifth attempt, he knows there is just some things that he cannot put into words, things like his regrets, his fears, his yearning—his thoughts. He burns all the parchments from his attempts and takes out a new one. He scrawls a few words.
Brother,
I love you. I miss you. I wish I could have see you one last time before this.
I always wanted you to be proud of me.
I am sorry.
Reg.
He leaves the parchment in Sirius' old room, wishing—hoping one day his brother will come back to this house—his home— and find the note one day.
.
Sirius does find it. He finds it seventeen years too late.
.
And he faces death in the hope that when he meets his match he will be mortal once more.