Happy birthday, Hish!

by Odeena Skywalker

Chapter 1: Boromir makes a blunder

[ The story which you are about to read may seem either incredible, out of all proportion or written by a deluded girl who really needs to get a life. If you will say any of the aforementioned, I don't mind. Anyway, you have my word for it that every last word of this is true. And now, without further ado, I shall let you read and judge for yourselves. ]

[ That particular day started like any other day in my own private madhouse... ]

"Get up."

"I don't want to."

"Get up!"

"I don't want to!"

"You'll be late for breakfast."

"I don't care."

"Boromir is making pancakes."

"I don't care."

"sigh (Valar, why me...?) Please...?"

"I don't care... wait, rewind that. Pancakes?"

"...Yes."

"Boromir?"

"Yes."

"...pancaking Boromir?"

"(This is stupid...) Yes."

"Okie-dokie. I'm up."

"(About time!) Okay... I'll be waiting outside for you to change then, and--"

"Oh who cares about that? Let's go!"

"crash Ow!"

"Sorry..."

[ ...In case you didn't realise, the conversation above took place between me and - you, you guessed it - Legolas the elf himself (Hey! That rhymed! ). It was the same story every morning, with minor variations of course. The idea, however, was the same: there was nothing - and I mean, nothing in the whole wide world - that could get me out of bed in the mornings save for Boromir's excellent cooking. And that's that. ]

As usual, I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen, careful not to trip over Gollum, who was apparently doing some sort of twisted Yoga exercising straight in the doorframe. I sat down at the table, took a random cup of coffee, drank it down, and yawned.

"So, what will it be?" Boromir asked, approaching. He was wearing his usual 'King of Cooks' apron (a title that not even Aragorn could dispute) and his even more usual wide and bright (and I dare to add 'sexy') smile.

"Three pancakes, lots of jelly, seven almonds and no peanut butter, thanks", I answered. "And eventually a chainsaw and Paul's head on a silver plate."

"She's in a good mood", Pippin whispered casually to Merry.

Both hobbits were sitting across the table from me and just out of reach. Bummer. I glared daggers at them for a second or two, until they began to flinch and shift in their seats.

As usual, Boromir's pancakes were great, a thing which I thought necessary to mention as soon as I gulped down the first bite.

"Don't talk with your mouth full!" a very offended Arwen interjected.

'Just like my mum', I thought as I stuck my tongue out at her.

"How rude!" Arwen went on. "Don't you have any manners?"

"Nope." I burped twice to emphasize my words. Don't get me wrong - as a matter of fact, I do have manners, but I love to annoy people who annoy me, and Arwen Undomiel is very high on my 'People-who-annoy-me' list.

Boromir gave me the thumbs-up quietly. A moment later however, his center of attention changed radically, and his expression turned to that of a man who had just swallowed a crab. Aragorn (a.k.a. Elessar, Strider, Estel etc.) had entered the room.

"Good morning, good morning... Packed your bags, kid?"

It was obvious that he was talking to me. "Bags...?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Oh no.

Leaving. Cousin. Today.

I chocked.

"I guess I should take that as a no", Aragorn went on. "Not to worry, I figured you'd forget, and I had the elf do it for you."

"Legolas...?" I asked, making a face.

"No, Haldir. He said he knew what stuff you usually wear and everything."

"Yeah, I bet he does", I muttered. I made a mental note to check the bags before I left, and then I resumed eating my breakfast.

[ But that was just the start of things. After breakfast, I went upstairs and inspected the bags Haldir had made. Needless to say, I found all sorts of useless crap in there, starting with bikini and ending with my sister's rabbit-shoes, which I had no idea how they ended up there (and, as it turned out, neither did Haldir). But I don't think I mentioned the reason of my departure. You see, when your perfect, adorable, lovable, beautiful, etc. (not!) cousin from across the country gets married, it's a very important event, and therefore the whole family must gather. Joy... ]

Later on, just when I was enjoying a well-deserved moment of peace and quiet (i.e., watching cartoons), Aragorn suddenly walked in.

"So, what time is this friend of yours coming?" he asked.

"Friend...?" I repeated, puzzled.

Oh, no!

Hish! The train! Today!

"Don't worry, I figured you'd forget, so I took care of everything", Aragorn said reassuringly.

I glared at him. "You know, you're getting really annoying when you're repeating yourself like that."

"Sorry."

"What do you mean by 'I took care of everything'?"

"Well, I sent Boromir to get her from the train station. With your mum's car."

"Oh, good, y--with my mum's car?!"

If there hadn't been for that little voice at the back of my head saying 'Mind your blood pressure! Anger is not good for your health!' all over again, I swear I would've popped. "Why did you send that maniac?" I asked instead, as civil as I could.

Aragorn shrugged. "I would have gone myself, but he said that he knew her, so I left him do it."

I groaned. "How the heck can he know her? He's never seen her, talked to her or met her in his entire life!"

"Well..." Aragorn began, obviously taken aback. "He knows her name is Hish, he knows she's from Saudi Arabia, he knows she wears a sari..."

"She hates wearing saris", I interjected. "And anyway", I went on, my temper rising again, "what were you thinking when you gave him my mum's car? What if he crashes it?"

"He won't..."

"How can you be sure?"

"Well... I..."

I rolled my eyes. "You're incorrigible."

Aragorn hung his head shamefully.

"Pray to the Valar that he doesn't do anything stupid", I hissed. "Otherwise, I swear to God that I'll... err... I'll have you shave that beard of yours, I'll style your hair like a punker's, and I'll... err... okay, I'll think of something. Now get lost."

[ I guess it's time for me to clarify certain things. First, since I couldn't trust the Fellowship on their own, I had to find someone reliable with whom I could let them for as long as I was gone. And second, since my very good friend Hish's birthday was just days away, I thought I'd give her the chance to spend some time with her fave heroes. ]

Close to midday, just as I was close to losing it and beating Aragorn senseless with my mum's favorite mop, I heard a car pull up in front of our drive.

"Finally!" I yelled, jumping up and rushing outside.

However, the woman that came out of my mum's car didn't look the least like the Hish I was expecting to see. She seemed to be in her mid thirties, she wore a deep green sari and kept talking in a fast language I didn't understand at all.

"Here she is!" Boromir announced proudly, waving from the window.

I approached cautiously. "Umm... Hish?" I tried.

The avalanche of words I got in response were most definitely not friendly ones. Amongst them, I distinguished clearly the words 'Nishin' and something that sounded like 'confusion'.

"Boromir", I said, gritting my teeth, "that's not Hish."

"Why not?" Boromir asked innocently. "She wears a sari, she's probably from Saudi Arabia or somewhere around there, and--"

"Just take her back to where you took her from before you get sued for kidnapping. Or better still, give me the car keys, ask Aragorn for taxi money and take her back." As I spoke and Nishin (I suppose that was her name) glared, I practically dragged Boromir out of the car and I thrust the key into the contact.

"You can't drive!" Boromir said desperately. "You're underage!"

"So sue me", I answered calmly.

[ And so I thrust the acceleration pedal to the floor, and in a matter of seconds I was cruising the streets at top speed. If I hurried, I could make it to the train station in about fifteen minutes or so. I was just hoping that Hish would stay out of trouble until then... ]

Author's note: This fanfic is dedicated to my dear friend and reviewer, Hishma! Happy Birthday, Hish! ...For the rest of you readers out there - do you like this? Or not? Please review!