The Snape Chronicles
By Cristin and Amy
-a WFGA production-
(OPEN: wide pan of a train station. Hundreds of children huddle around the bright red Hogwarts Express, biding their parents tearful farewells. Trunks and animal baskets/cages are being loaded onto the train.)
(Cut to: Severus Snape is a young child -about 10- standing on Platform 9 3/4. He's smiling with excitement, his parents stand beside him beaming with pride)
Mr. Snape: Go on, son, you don't want to miss the train.
Mini-Snape: I love you, daddy! I love you, mummy!
(his parents hug him and send him on his way.)
Mrs. Snape: (sniffles) PROUD.
Mr. Snape: PROUD.
(Onboard Hogwarts Express, Snape situates himself in a small, empty compartment. He looks around himself, eyes wide with wonder)
Snape: Oh, joyous day! I'll have so much fun at my new school, I'll have so many new friends, I'll have a nice, normal, boring, calm life-
(a faint 'click' is hear, and a boy with shoulder length blonde hair enter the compartment. He looks around imperiously, pale green eyes landing on the cute little Snape in his hand-knitted sweater with the little yellow duckies on the front. The blonde boy smiles maliciously)
Snape: (smiles all cute-like and waves) Hello, friend. What's your name? I'm Severus, but you can call me Sevvie if you like.
Boy: I'm Lucius. Lucius Malfoy. And I think I'll call you 'Piglet'.
Snape: What-?
Lucius: Because after this ravaging, you'll squeal like a little piggy.
(Snape's eyes go wide in terror. Viscous man-rape follows...)
(About three hours later, the train stops at Hogwarts. All the students file off of the train, Snape lagging behind the mass of students- he's pale, shaking, and absolutely petrified. Four other boys walk past him, staring)
Young James: Let's mock him for our entire school life.
Young Sirius: Okay.
(as all the first years are getting into the boats to cross the lake, Sirius pushes Snape into the water. Savage Squid/Snape rape follows)
Hagrid: Bad! BAD! (whacks at the squid with a club)
(James, Sirius, Remus and Peter laugh and point at the scene. Lucius, in another boat, remembers their time on the train and smiles to himself)
(thirty some-odd minutes later, the first years are shuffled into the dining hall)
Dumbledore: (standing at the front of the hall, at the staff table) Welcome, children, to another year at Hogwarts! As you know, this is a school with strong morals, ethics, and traditions. Keeping with these traditions, I will now choose- RANDOMLY- the student who will tend to my every need for the remainder of their life at this school.
Peter: Ooh! I hope it's me!
Dumblefore: Said student will bathe me, feed me, change my nappies, and check my blood pressure daily. I am old and sassy.
Sirius: Ooh! I hope it's Peter!
(all the first years look hopeful as the other students glare at them)
Dumbledore: Severus Snape, I choose you!
(Snape shits himself. And ever since then, Snape would shit himself when Dumbledore said his name)
Dumbledore: Lovely. We'll get along just fine. Now, let's sort you. Bring out the hat.
McGonagal: (screeches:) BRING OUT ZE HAT!
(Snape sits on a stool at the head of the hall with a small 'squish'. The Sorting Hat lowers from the ceiling on a string, and situates itself on Snape's head)
The Sorting Hat: (sings) So, you're the Master's servant
You like to shit your pants-
Snape: I never said I liked it.
Sorting Hat: -Well, that's just fine
Dumbledore won't mind
He likes excitement
He loves the fun
Of picking on a little 'un
Now, into what house will you go?
You're not for Gryffindor,
You lack the nerve and chivalry.
You're neither daring or brave of heart,
What about Hufflepuff?
You may be just and loyal
but your not patient, true, or unafraid.
You're not for Ravenclaw,
with no ready mind or wit.
Although you shall learn something...
Slytherin seems the best,
for there you'll find a friend-
Snape: I don't want a friend. Friends are bad. Friends touch your Danger Zone.
Sorting Hat: -You can be cunning
if it was brought out.
Yes, that's it!
Let's scream and shout!
(everyone stays silent. Snape silently weeps.)
Dumbledore: ...okay! The hat will not sing all of your shortcomings and secrets aloud, by the way.
(there's a collective groan)
Sirius: Great. Now nobody will ever know that I want to have mad butt-sex with Remus.
Remus: ...what?
Sirius: Nothing. I said NOTHING!
(the hat sinks its fangs into Snape's scalp. He goes rigid and collapses)
Dumbledore: Merlin's Bears, the hat put another student in a coma... great, now who's going to change me?!
Lucius: (raises a hand) I'll take him to the hospital wing, Headmaster.
Dumbledore: Excellent. But steal his ducky sweater and give it to me before you go.
(Lucius does so and drags Snape away)
(In the hospital wing...)
Madame Pomfrey: All he needs is this. (holds up a bottle of... stuff) Then he'll be good as new.
Lucius: I'll take care of him, Madame Pomfrey.
Pomfrey: (smiles) Such a good little boy. Are you two friends?
Lucius: Yes, ma'am. We met on the train, and were best friends instantly. (snaps his fingers) Just like that.
(Snape smiles in his sleep and shits his pants)
Next time... Snape's secret lover? The Malfoy's OTHER son? GASP!