A/N: Trigger warning for self harm.
Also not my characters, I'm just borrowing them.
-X-X-
'Sometimes you fall, spinning though space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't …'
-X-X-
"Jen." Gibbs pounds his fists on her front door. "Jen, will you please open up?"
Jenny Shepard is curled up behind the study door trying to block him out. Trying to block out the whole day.
Earlier that day
"Will you tell the FBI to back off." Gibbs says while barging though her office door. He stops and looks at her. He notices that she isn't paying attention to him. He sees that her hand is resting on her gun, which is out on the desk. To him she looks tired and fragile, it scares him. He has always known her to be strong, confident and kept together. "Jen?" He almost whispers.
"Will you ever learn to knock, Jethro?" Jenny asks, sounding defeated. She tries to move the gun back into the draw without him noticing, but she knows that he is far to observant for that.
"You okay, Jen?"
"I'm fine" She says unconvincingly. "What can I do for you?" she looks over to him.
He is still in the door way where he froze at the sight of her. "Can you get the FBI to back off our case."
"I'll see what I can do." She turns to her computer screen. She looks back a few moments later as Gibbs is still stood there. "Is there anything else, Agent Gibbs?"
"I… I'm just… I'm worried about you." He manages to get out eventually.
"I'm fine." She tries to smile at him but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. "Get back to work, let me deal with the FBI" Though he is not convinced he leaves knowing that he will confront her later.
"Please Jen let me in." He keeps on knocking on her door after almost half an hour.
Finally the door opens to reveal a fragile looking NCIS Director. Her hair looks even brighter against her ghostly complexion. She is wearing a pair of oversized jogging bottoms and a long sleeved top, which is pulled down over her hands protectively. "I'm surprised that you didn't pick my lock." She says with very little emotion in her voice.
"I wanted you to have the choice to turn me away."
"Oh, so you were eventually going to stop your attack on my door?"
"Can I come in?" She doesn't reply, she just walks away from the door through to the study. "I'll take that as a yes." He mumbles under his breath as he shuts the door.
"What do you want Jethro?" She looks up at him from the other side of the desk where she has curled up in the chair.
"I'm worried about you." He continues before she can interrupt. "I may have bad eyesight, Jen but I'm not blind. I know you haven't been dealing well. I'm not the only one noticing either. Cynthia mentioned something the other day."
"What gives you the impression that I'm not coping?" She asks trying to sound stronger than she feels.
"Cynthia tells me your not eating properly."
"Its been busy." She says in a way of defending her self.
"Your barely sleeping. I bet your drinking more as well." He walks over to the cabinet, where there are a few empty bottles as well of the full ones. "Oh yeah, and your eyeing your gun up with a defeated look in your eye."
"Where the hell have you got all of this from?" She stands and leans over her desk to look in his eye. "Are you trying to imply that I'm Suicidal?"
"I'm just saying that your on a downwards spiral and I don't know if you'd realised yet." He looks back at her with concern in his eyes.
"Go home Jethro, I'm not talking about this now." She moves round the desk and he grabs her forearm to stop her going any further. She gasps in pain as he touches her.
They both stare at her arm and his hand watching the crimson starting to seep onto the pale sleeve of her top.
"Jen?" He says quietly "What is this?" He lets go slowly so he doesn't hurt her. She looks up at him fearfully. Then she continues out of the room. Jethro follows her, staying few steps behind. He follows her into the main bathroom where she starts trying to wash the blood off her top. "Jen, please will you talk to me?"
"What do you want me to say?" She asks realising that her voice is stronger than she thought it was.
"Just talk to me, tell me what's going on with you." He watches as she scrubs at the sleeve, he reaches out and takes her hand. "Show me."
"I can't" She says softly. "Its nothing, you don't have to worry."
"But I am worried." He thinks back to when she explained faint scars on her body in Europe. "Where you really in a car accident?" She nods at him "Is that how you got the scars I saw in Paris?"
She shakes her head and looks at him with tears starting to fall down her cheeks. He goes over to her and wraps his arms around her. She starts to cry into his chest. First its soft, but soon it turns into sobs. He has a feeling that she hadn't let herself cry in a long time. After a while, she calms down and he leads them in to her room. They stay there, with Jenny holding on to him as though there was nothing else left for her. After a while, she starts to drift off to sleep. Jethro moves her so she is lying down. He moves to get a blanket and her arm reaches out to stop him.
"Don't leave me." She says desperately.
"I'm not going anywhere, I was just gonna get a blanket." She doesn't let go, just moves so they can get the duvet out from underneath her. She falls asleep quickly, with Gibbs arms wrapped protectively around her.
-X-X-
Jenny wakes quickly, then freezes when she feels someone in her bed. She tries to move round to see who it is. She remembers and all of a sudden feels guilt and fear hit her at the same time.
Gibbs notices her body tense as she wakes up, he moves to hold her tighter but she starts to pull away. "Jen?" she struggles against his arm, then he lets her go. She stands and turns to look at him. She looks scared, sad and vulnerable. "Jenny?"
She looks at him, trying to find the words she wants to say. She wants him to help her, but she is also scared that she will lose control. That she will truly lose him. "I have to have a shower" She starts to move towards the door.
"No Jenny." He jumps off the bed. "We need to talk." he reaches her and places his hands on her shoulders. " Please, talk to me."
She sighs "It's not that simple." She looks at him quickly then looks away. "I wish it were, but its not."
"Make it that simple. I don't want to lose you. Cause I think that I might not get you back after this." He watches her internal debate play on her face. "You can trust me, I'm not going anywhere."
"Coffee?" She says softly. "And we talk." He nods at her. She looks down and see her blood stained sleeve. "Can I just change my top? I'll see you in a minuet." She watches him leave. She walks over to a set of draws and pulls out a dark long sleeve top. She slowly pulls her top over her head, she looks down at her arms. 'What have I done to myself.' She thinks to herself. "You've survived." She says firmly to herself.
"Jen?" Gibbs calls from down stairs.
"I'm coming." She pulls the top on as she leaves the room. She gets downs stairs and is hit with the smell of fresh coffee. Jenny takes the mug from Gibbs hand and sits down across the table from him. They are silent for a few minuets. "What do you want me to say?"
"Whatever you want." He says "I don't want to rush you, I just want to help you." She looks at him helplessly "When did it start?"
"When I was fifteen I was in a car accident. My Mom died, my Dad became distant. I was lost, lonely. I became numb, didn't really talk much. I got quite a few cuts from the crash, they had distracted me from the pain of losing my Mom. I started hurting myself a few months later. Me and my Dad didn't see that much of each other, he didn't notice anything was wrong until my school contacted him about my grades slipping. We had an argument. I shut myself in the bathroom and he had to force his way in. I had to get stitches, my Dad got me help. I got it all under control. Well I thought I had." She stops, wipes away the tears that have fallen down her cheeks while she's been talking.
"What about now? What set it off?" Jethro asks gently.
She looks up at him for the first time since she began speaking. "I don't know. That's what scares me the most. I just freaked out one day, all of a sudden I had a razor in my hand." She finishes with her voice just above a whisper. "It felt so right."
"Jen, you don't have to be scared anymore." Jethro says reassuringly
"Yes I do. If it happened this time, then it can again."
"From now on it will be different." He got up and pulls her into a hug carefully "Now I'm here to catch you if you fall again." She smiles at him slightly. "Do you trust me?" She nods at him "Will you show me?"
Jenny's head snaps up to look at him "You don't want that in your head."
"I do. I want to understand, I want you to be able to trust me. I want to know your gonna be okay." Slowly she rolls up her sleeves to reveal several cuts and scars. Some in neat lines others in angry crisscross patterns, varying in stages of healing. Slowly he runs his fingers over them, Jenny only flinching slightly. He makes sure that he doesn't touch the one he assumes is from the previous night as it still looks raw. "Oh Jen."
"Don't say that" She almost snaps, she sighs. "My Dad never showed any emotion to anything." She starts quietly "I never realised that what I do to myself can affect other people." She sits with her head down crying silently, feeling guilty for the pain that she has caused and ashamed of what she has become. "Please say something"
"I'm sorry I never noticed. I should have paid more attention"
"I thought it was weak to say your sorry" She says with a slight smile.
"No, not between friends. Not between us." He brushes away the tears on her skin with his thumb. He quickly leans down to kiss her, pulling back again before she can react.
"Thank you, for noticing and actually coming to me."
"I couldn't let you suffer any more." He cups her face with his hand and she leans into it.
After a while Jenny goes to have a shower. When she returns she is carrying a small box. "Jethro, will you do something for me?"
"What is it, Jen?" He sits up a bit more from his slightly slouched position.
"Will you get rid of these?" She passes the box over to him, he opens it to reveal almost hundreds of blades. "I can't get rid of them, I always know where they are and get them back out."
"Are these all of them?" He asks carefully.
She thinks, then walks off returning holding her knife. "Rule number nine; never go anywhere without your knife." she holds it out to him, "I never used it on myself, but I don't know what I'll do now I don't have anything else."
"You sure about this Jen?"
"No, but its long over due" She smiles at him sadly and sits next to him letting him hold her.
-X-X-
A few weeks pass from Gibbs finding out. Everything is going well. Though Jenny still feels the urge to harm herself she is resisting and talking to Jethro if she thinks things are getting to much.
It is a long day, Jenny spent the majority of it in MTAC having a heated discussions with the other agency Directors. She's nervous and agitated for no apparent reason. Jethro watches as she almost runs from MTAC to her office. He gets up from his desk and goes to try and calm her down.
"Jen" He says softly. She is pacing behind her desk.
"I don't feel like talking now Jethro."
He walks over to her and places his hands on her shoulders. "Please Jen, I'm here for you and I'm not leaving 'til you've calmed down." He runs his hands up and down her arms calmingly. She rests her forehead on his chest, breathing deeply trying to calm herself. She wraps her arms around him pulling him closer for more comfort.
"I'm fine." She says eventually "Its just been a long day. Honestly, I'll be fine." She looks up at him and smiles weakly.
"We'll talk later." He kisses her temple and then walks out the door closing it behind him.
She sighs as the door closes. She lets a stolen object fall out of her jacket sleeve into her hand. Well he always was impressed by my slight of hand Jenny thinks sadly. She shrugs off her jacket and rolls up her shirt sleeve. Sitting down she traces her fingers over her many scars, mostly fully healed. She raises Jethro's knife slightly so it catches the light from her lamp. I shouldn't be doing this… But its just so right. Jenny sighs knowing that whatever way she decides another part of her will thinks she's a failure.
She places the sharp tip to her pale skin. She drags it down her arm, pressing harder than she should. She knows this, she doesn't care. She watches as her skin parts and the red starts to pulse out. She almost doesn't hear her door open. Jenny spins her chair round and hides her arm under her desk.
"What can I do for you Gibbs?" She asks weakly.
"Thought you looked like you needed this." He places the coffee cup on her desk. He watches her intently, his eyes get wider as he sees red seeping up her shirt sleeve. "Jen?" He almost runs round her desk and spins her chair. He gasps as he sees the gaping wound on her arm. Next he sees his knife is her hand. "Why Jen?"
She just keeps on staring at him, not really taking in what is happening. He reaches into his jacket and uses his phone to call Ducky.
"Hey Duck, can you come up to Jenny's office ASAP?" Jenny starts to panic "Yeah, I need you to bring first aid stuff." She starts to pull away from him "I'll explain when you get here. Be discreet" He shuts his phone and lets it fall to the floor.
"Jethro…" Jenny whispers, almost pleadingly.
"Jen, you've got to get this seen to. Its either Ducky or I take you to the hospital." He sees that she calms down slightly. He feels her tense when there is a small knock on the door. "Come in."
Ducky enters holding a small bag. "Good afternoon." Ducky says brightly as he enters. His expression falls when he sees the Director "Oh Jennifer." He says quietly, but she hears him.
"You might not want to say that Duck. She doesn't like it." Jethro moves from in front of her to behind her seat, with his hand resting on her shoulders. Ducky moves to remove the knife from her hand, she tightens her grip. "Its okay leave it." Jethro remembers a late night conversation they had.
"Some day's all I need is to be able to hold a blade, something sharp. Its like I hold enough control in my hand, to control the urge with out having to go through with it." She places his knife back on the table in front of them. "But other days, nothing is enough."
Ducky examines the wound carefully. "Its going to have to have stitches, its going to hurt without antithetic." He looks at the woman in front of him. He almost pulls away when he sees the empty look in her eyes.
"I don't care." She says simply.
"Well, I think a drink will help a touch." Ducky nods at Gibbs to go and get it. Jethro is back at her side within seconds. He brings with him a bottle of Bourbon and a glass. He hands her the glass, he watches her as she places his knife on her desk gently and then takes the glass and drinks it all in one. Within the next five minuets Ducky has stitched and bandaged her arm. He looks back with concern as he leaves. "Take care of yourself Jenny." He turns to Jethro who is at the door with him "And if she can't, you take good care of her Jethro. She's only hovering above self destruction." With that Ducky leaves the two of them alone.
"Why did you do it Jen?" He asks, not in an accusing tone, more one of guilt that he couldn't save her.
"I didn't know what else to do."
"You could have talked to me." Gibbs kneels down in front of her chair. "I hate that I can't protect you from this."
"Sometimes words are not enough." She looks at him. She begins to cry for all the pain that she is causing him. She falls forward into his arms, she sobs into his chest.
"Maybe you need to see someone?" She looks at him with a look of confusion.
"I can't Jethro. There can't be any record of this." She looks at him with desperation.
"I can't lose you Jenny. Not again." He kisses the top of her head and holds on to her tighter.
"I'll get through this. I did before, I will again. What's a Doctor going to tell me this time that I don't know from before." Jenny looks up at him and smile slightly.
"For now." Gibbs murmurs against her hair. "Home?"
"Just let me make myself more presentable." She sits back on to her chair. She pulls her bag closer to her and gets her make-up bag out.
Gibbs picks up his knife and puts it back in its rightful place. "When did you take it?"
"When you followed me in here earlier." She stands up and pulls on her jacket carefully, she walks over to him.
"I always did admire your slight of hand."
-X-X-
A few months have gone by since Jenny's last cut. She is at home in her study and she hears Jethro enter her house. He stops in front of her desk and waits for her to look up at him.
"Hey." She says looking up. Jethro stays silent, just staring at her. "Are you gonna say anything?" She raises her eyebrow at him. He still doesn't say anything, he just reaches into his pocket and pulls out her knife. He places it on the desk in front of her. "Jethro?"
"I think your ready to have it back."
"Jethro…" Jenny starts and sighs, not knowing how to communicate her fear.
"Come on Jenny, these past few months you've been fine. I think that it's the next logical step." He walks round the desk and crouches down in front of he chair. "Think about it Jen, there is no way to know if your ready. How about we just try it. You can always give it back if you don't feel safe." He reaches over the desk and picks up her knife, he holds it out for her to take.
"This could all go terribly wrong, Jethro" She takes the knife and holds it in her hand. She tests its balance and fingers the tip of it.
"How do you feel?"
"In control." She wipes angrily at the tear that escapes her eye.
"You want me to take it back?" He asks cautiously.
"No." She looks him in the eye "Just like quitting. Its something that has to happen. Its gonna be hard. I'm always gonna be a cutter Jethro, its who I am. Its part of me." Jenny closes her eyes and rubs her fingers over her forehead.
"I'm gonna be here everyday Jen." He runs a hand through her red hair. "I'm gonna keep you safe. I promise." He kisses the corner of her mouth. "Even from yourself."
"I know."
-X-X-
'… Sometimes they catch you.' - (Francesca Lia Black)
-X-X-
A/N: I wrote this to try and stop myself from cutting (from doing the second cut Jenny does in this story, I still constantly wish I could do it again. This has helped)
I keep on wanting to continue this but I'm never sure on the direction.
-X-X-