A/N: Hey guys! Hope you all had a lovely Christmas! I had some free time (I know, it's rare), and decided to write this one shot off of the prompt "These are the things that I no longer wish to understand." FYI this is from Gideon's point of view. Also, I have been thinking of taking down "Not Your Fault", and combining it with this one, and making a story of just CM one/two shots. PM me or review and let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: As much as I wish I owned Criminal Minds, I don't.
Understanding
These are the things that I no longer wish to understand. I no longer want to understand how a man, a normal, average looking man, could mercilessly kidnap, torture, and brutally murder ten girls. I no longer wish to understand how a teenage boy's mind works as he stabs adults that remind him of his mother, then eventually murdering his whole family. I no longer want to know exactly which wounds on a dead body indicate a certain kind of weapon, hesitation marks, or defensive wounds. I never again want to have to stare at a person whose life has been snuffed out like a candle, and look at them for and as evidence. I never again want to deal with the feeling of their cold, unforgiving eyes staring at me (sometimes through the sheet that is inevitably over their body) as I walk around trying to understand the person that did this to them. I have done this job for many long years, and I have become too skilled at it.
I am torn from my thoughts as JJ knocks on the door to my office most likely bringing another horrific case that my team and will fly out and (hopefully) solve.
"Come in, JJ." I say.
"Sorry for interrupting, sir. I just came to give you this new case. If you could just take a look at it before the team meets in the board room…" she trails off.
"Yes, yes. Thank you." I dismiss her. She nods and walks away, probably to tell the team to meet in the board room because we have a new case.
I stare at the still closed case file that now lays on my desk. What horrors will be in it this time? How many lives are already gone before we even get there? I know I can't keep it closed forever, so I might as well get it over with. Nevertheless, I open it slowly. I am greeted with the image of a boy, probably twenty years old, lying on the ground in the woods somewhere covered in blood. He has cuts all over his body and by the looks of the large red stain on his shirt, a stab to the heart was the cause of death. The person that did this has so much rage, it can't be anything other than personal. I sigh. This would be a hard case. Not in the sense that it would be hard to solve, but hard to bear. Hard to talk to these boys' families. Hard to go to the crime scene and try to imagine exactly what happened there. Hard to try to get into the unsub's mind.
The thing that is most terrifying isn't that there is an individual out there whose mind is so sick and twisted that they are angry enough to kill twenty year old boys and enjoy it. No. It's the fact that I can understand this person. It's my job to understand this person. And I will. I'll dig into all three (so far) victims' lives, and I'll look for things that might make them seem like a target. I'll scour their schools, the classes they took, the people they hung out with, any girlfriends they might have, their jobs, the relationships with their families, anything they might have in common with one another, and anywhere their paths might have crossed.
This is the job. This is the job, and I am becoming weary. Weary of all the death that I see every day. Exhausted with trying to find faith in humanity again, only to have my hopes crushed with every case. Tired of the sadness that I see not only in the eyes of the victims and the families of the victims, but in my own teams' eyes as they gaze upon these horrors day after day. I am disgusted at the things that humans can do to one another! But sometimes I'm disgusted with myself for understanding them. My only solace is my dear little cabin, out in the middle of nowhere, and Sarah. Sarah is one of the few people that mean anything to me anymore. Sarah, my family, and my team.
Each of the members of my team, of course, will always have a special place in my heart. Reid and JJ, who are both so young and still full of innocence (innocence that I can only hope they will keep as they continue this job), I love like my own children. Hotch is a great leader, an even better father, and I have taken joy in our friendship throughout the years. Derek is young, but already an amazing profiler, and with a little guidance I have no doubt that he will head another team just as well, if not better, than Hotch and I head ours. Garcia is a ray of light in this dark job, and I hope she knows that I appreciate that. Elle, well I can only hope that one day she will return to the Bureau, or at least any law enforcement. I just wish that I could have helped her. I don't know Agent Prentiss well enough yet to have any sort of relationship with, but she seems like an intelligent agent and a kind-hearted woman.
Emotionally, I feel worn down. I don't believe that I am doing this job to the best of my abilities, although I try. Even though there are things I no longer wish to understand, I do understand them, whether I like it or not. So as long I have the information, knowledge, and skills that I do, I might as well try to help the world.
I know that I can't do this job forever, but as long as I have Sarah and the team, I feel like I can at least take it one day at a time. And when I look at all of the pictures on my desk, and my table, I see how many lives we've saved, and I wonder if it evens out. I hope someday that it will. Just as long as we keep trying. Just as long as someone, as painful as it is sometimes, tries to understand.
Please review and let me know what you think!