WITH APOLOGIES TO CRAIG TUCKER
BY SHADOWGATE
I WROTE THIS AFTER SEEING THE PANDEMIC AND PANDEMIC 2 THE STARTLING. I WAS THRILLED TO SEE CRAIG GET A CENTRAL ROLE. CRAIG WAS ALWAYS DARK, AGGRESSIVE, AND JUST AN AWESOME CHARACTER. IN THAT TWO-PART EPISODE WE SAW CRAIG'S ANGST.
I WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED THAT KYLE, STAN, AND KENNY COULDN'T SEE HOW THEY HURT CRAIG. OBVIOUSLY CARTMAN DOESN'T REALIZE WHEN HE HURTS ANYONE BECAUSE HE'S STUPID. MY DISAPPOINTMENT INSPIRED THIS STORY.
I don't own South Park. Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and Comedy Central own it.
At 2PM in South Park Elementary School Craig Tucker was working on a rough draft when Kyle distracted him.
"What is it Kyle?" Craig asked.
Kyle told him to meet him along with Stan and Kenny behind the school at 3PM. After an hour of Mister Garrison griping about how we was never able to get any from the late Beatrice Arthur it was time for Craig to meet up with three of the four boys he was furious at.
"Well where's fatass?" Craig asked
Kenny laughed but Stan and Kyle kept their serious looks upon their faces.
Kyle soon looked sad and said to Craig "Well the three of us want to apologize even though we had no control over you appearing on that fucking Aztec wall."
Stan intervened and said "we're sorry about fucking you over on your birthday money and we're sorry for being just being insensitive jerks about the whole fucking guinea pig situation."
Stan and Kenny put their hands on Craig's shoulders.
Kyle stated "we'd like to have you spend the next three nights at our houses since there's a three day weekend. Tonight you come to mine, tomorrow at Kenny's and the third night at Stan's house."
Craig couldn't believe it. He didn't know what was up.
Kyle went on to say "the reason we're splitting this up is because if you're with only one of us per night that kills the chances you'd end up in some foreign country or the seventh layer of hell."
Craig smiled and said "well I'll have to talk to my parents and hopefully assure them it's not incredibly dangerous to hang out with you all."
Stan asked "do your parents hate our guts?"
Craig answered "they don't love you that's for damn sure."
Craig wondered home hoping his parents would agree to let him do one on one with the three of the four boys he had problems with. Craig knew deep down that those ¾ were nice.
He called Kyle at 4PM.
"Hey Kyle it's Craig my parents are cool with it."
Kyle was enthusiastic and said "come over at 6:30 for dinner."
Kyle began to get everything ready as his parents watched with concern. His parents considered Craig to be 'scary and dark' from the way he dressed and due to chatter about Craig always going to the counselor's office.
The night soon came and the clock struck 6:30 PM. They heard the doorbell ring and Kyle answered.
"Craig welcome" Kyle said.
Ike came bouncing along and asked "hey Kyle that boy got you in trouble?"
"No Ike" Kyle said and added "I don't want to hear anything out of your mouth about causing trouble because you blew up an airplane. Don't give me that shit about the President ordering you to do it."
Ike gave Kyle the raspberry and Kyle got pissed off.
"That's it Ike I'm going to teach you some manners because mom and dad aren't" yelled Kyle while taking off his belt.
Ike's eyebrows shot up as he became anger. Kyle charged toward him but Ike got out of the way and Kyle went head first into the laundry hamper. Kyle's voice was muffled as he yelled "Goddamn it!"
Ike just giggled and he walked over to Craig.
"Are you dangerous?" Ike asked
Craig just gave Ike a dirty look.
Ike went on to ask Craig "why did you say Canada was good for nothing?"
Craig said "no offense Ike but what's Canada known for?"
After that Ike just shut his mouth.
Gerald and Sheila came out and were very interested in meeting Craig for the first time. Craig said "you must be Kyle's parents."
Sheila said "yes and we've been dying to meet you."
Gerald commented "we've heard a lot of bad things about you but we'll try to be open minded."
Kyle immediately shoots his mouth off and says "mom and dad don't blame Craig for any problems. I along with Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are to blame because we ended up in Peru."
Gerald asked "Really well Kyle could you explain why you were upside down in the laundry hamper?"
Kyle answered "never mind why I was in the laundry hamper."
Ike laughed and Kyle immediately yelled "IKE YOU WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE NOW!"
Sheila said "Kyle calm down my goodness."
Craig and Kyle ate dinner silently hoping they would not catch glares or strange looks. Sheila and Gerald weren't one hundred percent comfortable with Craig yet.
After dinner Craig said he was too fucking tired to play video games or do anything else.
Kyle understood because he was also exhausted and they soon fell asleep.
In the morning Craig couldn't help but thank Kyle since it was the first time Kyle invited him to do something without a catch.
"Kenny should call you around noon" Kyle said and Craig left happy.
At noon Kenny called and said meet him at 6PM. Craig was a bit less optimistic since he knew that out of the four Kyle was the most compassionate and Kenny was tough and vulgar.
At 6PM Craig walked across the railroad tracks and met up with Kenny. Kenny had his hood off!
"Craig!" Shouted Kenny
"Hey so I'm spending the night at your um well house?" asked Craig
Kenny commented that his house has been improved with running water and they cleaned up the front yard.
"You're dad got a job didn't he?" Craig asked.
"Yeah" replied Kenny
"You took off your hood!" Craig said in shock.
Kenny told him to come on but Craig suggested a short waiting period and said "I remember the last time you and the guys were at my house and I said you couldn't borrow any money you yelled 'I fucking hate Craig' loud enough for all of South Park to hear."
Kenny stopped and said "I got upset because I don't have a lot of money and when you said 'no' that killed our plans to raise money as a Tejano band. I lost my cool and I'm sorry I said I hated you."
Craig stated "apology accepted."
Kenny told him to come in and meet his family.
"Mom and Dad I have something to say. This is Craig Tucker and I would like to add that he's not the one to blame for us ending up in Peru. The one to blame is the Guinea Pirate and the Goddamn Aztec Wall that bared Craig's image." Kenny stated with pride but Craig none the less shot us a dirty look.
Kenny went on to say "if you want to be mad at someone for what happened be mad at me and not Craig."
Craig smiled
After dinner which consisted of rice and bottled water Kenny led Craig up to his room.
"I have a computer with internet access so I can study" Kenny stated while booting up his computer.
Craig asked just what was it that Kenny studied and he answered "medicine and health."
Kenny stated he wanted to become a doctor and make something of his life. Craig asked if his specialty would be gynecology and they both fell down laughing.
"Goddamn it Craig no seriously I think I'd like to do brain surgery so I can help Cartman."
They both started laughing.
Stuart McCormick knocked on the door and gave both boys change to go buy ice cream at the corner store. The two hit the road and before they went into the corner store they saw Cartman who gave them a dirty look.
Kenny said "hey fatass this is my new best friend now. You suck!"
Cartman became furious and said "FUCK YOU KENNY!"
Craig shouted "you fat tub of lard. The girls think you're one ugly motherfucker."
Cartman shot back "you're a degenerate piece of shit Craig."
Kenny yelled "GO HOME AND JACK OFF WITH CLYDE FROG."
Cartman screamed "I CAN'T JACK OFF WITH CLYDE FROG ANYMORE BECAUSE KYLE DESTROYED HIM."
After that the two new best friends fell over laughing and Cartman ran home crying like a baby.
Kenny said "alright let's go get ice cream."
After they come out with their ice cream bars the Bloods come driving by and they're still pissed off about the stunts Jimmy and Timmy pulled off before. They start firing and Craig hits the concrete. Kenny was not so lucky and he was shot in the shoulder, belly, and right lung.
"KENNY!" Craig screamed
Craig knelt down and saw Kenny was still conscious.
"Craig" Kenny said barely breathing.
"Kenny we'll call an ambulance hang in there." Craig said
Kenny said "I'm not going to make it."
Craig said "No I can still hear your heart beating just try to stay strong. Remember Bebe's tits. Remember you want to go to medical school Kenny."
Kenny said "no" and went silent.
Craig yelled "NO!"
Craig knelt down and cried like never before the tears wouldn't stop.
Craig rushed over to Stan's house covered in blood. He asked Stan if he still wanted to postpone tomorrow night but Stan insisted it not be postponed because Kenny would have wanted them to go on and then Stan took Craig in his arms.
The next night Craig went to Stan's house.
Stan said "Craig welcome I want you to meet my family. This is my mom and that's my ugly adopted stepsister."
Shelly glared at Stan.
The two boys look over at Randy who has a leg behind his head.
"Oh and that's my dad he has a leg behind his head because he's really stupid." Stan commented.
Craig laughed.
Stan went on to say "I'm sorry I called you a dick in Peru and I've heard that they got the sons of bitches that killed Kenny and the Park County DA is seeking the death penalty."
Craig stopped and took a deep breath in.
Craig then stated "they want me to testify."
Stan began looking serious and he told Craig "I know it's hard we had to confront some dirt bags who raped a good friend and it was hard. I know it's hard."
Stan and Craig hug.
Craig develops a firm look and states "I'll testify damn it."
Stan and Craig hug again very tight.
After Craig spent the night at Stan's house school was back in session. Sure enough Craig had to confront that fat bastard.
"Craig you're a fucking loser." Cartman said
"FUCK YOU BITCH YOU MOTHERFUCKING LOWLIFE PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE A GODDAMN FUCKING PUSSY! KENNY WAS A REALLY COOL KID AND HE FUCKING DIED! YOU'RE A FUCKING LOWLIFE FAT SACK OF SHIT!"
Everyone was blown away and Cartman ran away crying.
Kyle walked up to Craig and told him straight up "you're fucking brave Craig. You're fucking brave!"
THE END