With heaving blows like that of a dying shih tzu Edward came down upon his wife Bella with a mighty pimp hand and a dull ferociousness in his eyes that was nothing short of the of Emo turmoil that can be found in men such as he.
"Never take a piss unless I say so!" Commanded Edward though teeth clenched as tightly as the asscheeks of Satan. Globs of sparkling saliva made their way though in between the heaving blows and words as vile Lucifer's piss.
"But my love, I was only getting the mail." Cried Bella bleeding profusely on the floor .
Sudden the soulless eyes of Bella's face rolls back into her disfigured noggin. Edward grabs her by the neck and shakes her like one would a baby. "Bella?" He yells, his fury has not faltered and the fire that had been poured upon the flame of his temper. It was not about to be doused by her lack of consciousness. "BELLA!" He smacks her across the face a few times for good measure.
Blood began to soak Bella's pantaloons, and Eddie, being the hopeless newb decided it was best to take her to a hospital, she WAS fat, maybe she was having a heart attack and would die, he hoped.
He bound out of their hut off the east coast of Siam lifting Bella high over his head with his sexy, vampyre muscles. His nose crinkled at the stench of the girl, who smelled like freshly fucked vagina, and he chicken strutted as fast as he could toward the nearest third world hospital.
As he strutted with manly, manliness and oozed sex with his awesome vampyre beauty he knew not of the road he trekked upon. It was the road of inevitable doom, many said it was haunted by the truck without an engine, now even Edward HAD known of it, he could more than likely battle this truck and defeat it's machine powers with his awesome vampyre sparkle sexiness that overpowered the young ladies oh so often. He was perfect of course.
Suddenly there was a thunderous thunder that made a thundering sound upon the road, it sounded suspiciously like thunder.
"That sounds like..." Edward said to himself with a sparkle in his eyes. "Argh damn it!" He quickly rubbed at it with his free knuckle from his third arm. "That sounds like... lightning!"
But Edward couldn't have been more wrong and oblivious to the context clues. It was the demonic insecticide truck that rode the roads without an engine and before he could react, it was upon Edward and his unconscious hoebag fiancee Bella. He ditched that bitch into a ditch and falcon punched the truck right the grills. The truck was destroyed and a mist of insecticide hung in the air and was carried on for miles in the wind. Edward began to choke and wither, it had to be due to the fact that he was such a worm, or because the substance was toxic to living things, either was he was suffering at the hands of man for the first time. The last image he sees before the darkness sweeps over him is the flashing lights of the 'wahmbulance'.
Edward awakes in the hospital, and immediately notices a tube attached to his man-penis. He is startled by it as first, for he was unfamiliar with this man-organ, as if vampires could do the grotesque task of urinating! Vampires can't even ejaculate, though one time he did manage to get Bella pregnant, but then again he does question whether or not Bella secretly had a penis. She did look somewhat similar to that of an ape. He attempted to pull off the tube-like thing, and then pulled down his hospital gown. And teetered off into the hall with his vampyre ass cheeks showing. He needed blood.
"Oh Edward!" He heard Bella cry. Edward looked across the room and saw that the curtains were drawn around her and he thought all the better not to look upon her face with.
He made his way through the hospital, wanting to know where the lunchroom was. A nurse stopped him and inquired with great concern. "Are you lost?"
"Yes, can you tell me where the drinking fountain is?" Edward said in an all alluring voice. The nurse pointed down the hall and told him to turn left. Eward did so and found two doors, one leading to the bank where the kept the blood reserves and the other the lunch room where the old folks were eating their bean soup. The room smelled heinous, so he chose the former, and locked himself inside. Sadly, Bella was under a lot of stress that day and went into labour and lost a lot of blood during the procedure and since there was no blood to sustain her throughout the operation, she died shortly after childbirth. The end. :]