Summary: Leshawna, Gwen, Harold, Duncan, and a surprise guest decide to send a message to everyone's "favorite" host. Freestyle rap, a beatdown or two, and some SERIOUS insults.
Author's Notes: After watching, and laughing at, the "Real Husbands of Hollywood Cypher", the idea had been rolling around in my head for a while now. I'm not a rapper, but I hope that the lyrics make sense and make you laugh. Enjoy! Also, Total Drama is owned by Teletoon, not myself, so don't sue me!
There was an applause. A VERY loud applause. Every single person in the audience were either laughing their asses off, clapping their hands raw, or both. Why? Because they had just viewed what was undoubtedly the funniest thing they had seen in a long time: "The Total Drama Cypher". What is a cypher? Basically, it's a group of people freestyle rapping one after the other. But what made this particular cypher so unique was who was actually in it: cast from the recent hit show "Total Drama Island" and its sequel "Total Drama Action". Apparently, a few of the more popular members of the cast were not happy with what the show's host, Chris McLean, had put them through in their pursuit of money and fame, so they put together something to send a message to said host.
"Hey ya'll! It's ya homegirl Leshawna, and you better hold onto yo seats, cuz' you 'bout to see "The Total Drama Cypher"! There was an applause for the homegirl's energetic introduction before the lights dimmed down as she went to her seat.
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The camera is being set up by Leshawna while her best friend, Gwen, is standing nearby and holding her arms as she paces back and forth nervously.
"Leshawna, are you sure about this? I'm not sure I should be rapping; that's more your thing." Gwen says, with no small amount of doubt, with a little bit of fear in her eyes.
"Would you relax, pasty? Half the rapping these days sucks anyway. Just say whatever you want, make sure it rhymes and stays on beat, and you'll be fine." Says Duncan from behind the turntables, making sure everything is set up. Many didn't know this, but Duncan was actually pretty good at spinning records and making beats. When asked why he doesn't make a career out of it, his response is a shrug and saying: "DJ'ing isn't as fun as breaking the law."
"What I wanna know, is why in the hell you have the world's biggest and scrawniest dork with you?"
At this point, Harold is glaring at Duncan with a practiced hate, but before he can respond, his girlfriend Leshawna intervenes, "First off, Duncan, stop insulting my man like that if you wanna keep yo teeth. Second, I asked him here because his freestylin' is off the chain."
Duncan just shrugs and finishes setting up. Meanwhile, Leshawna finishes setting up the camera and calming down her friend and her boyfriend before pressing "record" on the camera.
"What up people! I'm Leshawna, and this is the Total Drama Island Cypher! We got my girl Gwen," Gwen gives a timid smile and wave, "my string bean sweetie pie Harold," Harold gives a two-finger salute and a confident smirk, "and last but not least, our beat master, DJ Skull Head!" Duncan holds up a devil horn hand sign before starting the beat. It's steady, ideal for a freestyle for beginners.
"I'll start this off, baby! Here we go!"
Leshawna
Honey, let me tell you how it's gonna work
Just freestyle to a beat and make em wanna twerk
To make it good, I'll tell a quick story
About a man who does nothin' for the glory
There's a man with a show 'bout an island and the drama
'Bout a bunch of kids away from their daddies and mammas
This asshole loves to watch people scream and fight,
But get him in the ring wit' me, and I'll set his ass right!
He likes to think he's handsome and tall,
But guess what: he's short, ugly, wit' no game at all.
He goes by the name of Chris McLean,
But his real name should be Douchebag McLame.
DJ Skull Head mixes the beat for a moment, which gives Gwen just enough time to calm down and move into the front.
Gwen
Nice work sistah, you really got him good
Eloquent and accurate for a girl from the hood
But let me show you the legendary bite
From a girl whose home is the darkness and night
Goths are moody and easy, that's what they say
Try that with me, they won't find your body, okay?
I beat a witch, a psycho killer, and a broken heart,
Then right into a new season, guess it's back to start
Gotta say DJ, this beat is really poppin',
But I wonder if Total Drama will ever end up stoppin'
Chris McLean is so vile, from his hair to his roots,
But that fake son of a bitch ain't worth the dirt on my boots.
All of a sudden, the cypher has an unexpected guest.
"Wow! Man that was awesome!" It was Cody.
"Cody?! What are y- Get outta here!" Gwen said, not sure which she felt more; angry or creeped out at seeing him.
"Awe, come on, Gwen, let me get in on this! I got stuff to say too!" He said in a whiny voice.
"Not happening!" Just as Gwen is about to grab Cody and throw him out, Leshawna stops her.
"Hang on a sec, Gwen. Let's see what he's got." Gwen looks at Leshawna in disbelief.
"Are you serious, right now?" Leshawna just shrugs.
"Why not? If he's good, he stays. If he's not, we'll just take it out in post. And if he sucks, I'll toss him out my damn self. Promise." Gwen just sighs and nods.
"Alright! Thanks Leshawna! I promise you won't regret it. Now watch a pro at work."
Cody
Hey, hey, it's Codemeister on the mic,
I gotta tell ya, it feels real nice
Almost as nice as the Goth Goddess Gwen,
Even if she does insult and hit me now and again.
Total Drama Island, had lots of fun there,
Except that I got mauled by a freaking bear!
Despite all my hard work, it got me booted from the show
But did I let it keep me down? In two words: hell no!
I keep coming back and fighting again,
Even if I'm rejected again and again
I blame Chris for telling me to be a wannabe,
because it turned off everyone who could've been cool with me!
The guy acts like he's barely even 30,
But I found out that that liar's over 50!
I tried to act all smooth and cool,
But it was that damn asshole playing me for a fool!
I like computers, comics, anime, and games
But the real loser is in a midlife crisis: Jackass McLame!
Everyone gives a resounding 'Whoo!' at Cody's surprisingly good freestyle before DJ Skull Head cuts in.
"Whoo! Nice one, Cody! Too bad it's all downhill with the one scrawny punkass geekier and weaker than you." At this, Harold starts steaming.
"Okay, that is it! Time to shut him up once and for all!"
Harold
Every single day Duncan gives me a hassle
I'm so sick and tired of that delinquent asshole!
He's crying out for attention, for God's sakes make him stop
He's only doing this because his parents are cops!
He acts like he's so big and tough,
But around Courtney, he's a little bitch full of fluff.
He may be stronger than me in a fist fight,
But mic against mic, I'll have him run away in a fright
You wanna be honest, I'll tell you a truth which:
Is that Courtney would rather date girls than a convict, bitch!
And before I leave, I'll say something else that's true:
You may be bigger than me, but I'll always be better than you.
Everyone's went wide-eyed with dropped jaws, including Duncan, who's turntables just kept playing the beat automatically. Sensing the impending brawl, Leshawna decides to end the cypher before the bloodshed starts.
Leshawna
Now you see what happens when we all get pissed
At the wannabe pretty boy whose name is Chris
We're all victims of the show "Total Drama",
And an asshole that's likely hated by his mama
No one really won, but I'm glad for this:
I met my homies thanks to that son of a bitch
Now I better go because I'm filled with dread
But if skull boy touches my man, I swear he's dead.
Holla!
In the background we see Duncan and Harold trying to fight with Gwen and Cody trying to stop them, and before the camera cuts, Leshawna rolls up her sleeves and stomps towards the action.
End
And that would be why everyone is either laughing, clapping, or both. Everyone was impressive in the cypher; Duncan's DJ skills, Leshawna's leadership, Gwen's surprisingly decent freestyle skills, Cody's admission to being manipulated by the host before the show, but most of all, the fire from Harold's freestyle as he finally stands up to Duncan. Leshawna then stands up on stage and waits for everyone to calm down enough for her to talk, which took a solid minute or two given how hard some people were laughing.
"Aight, ya'll, I have enough time to answer a few questions before we pack up and head out. Who's first?" She points to a teenage boy who raised his hand and stands up.
"What made you wanna guys wanna do a cypher of all things? It was great, but how'd it come up?"
"Well, to be honest, we were originally gonna record a hate-track about Chris, but someone told me Duncan knew how to DJ, I forgot who, to be honest with you, so we just decided to do a video instead." Then a girl that looked to be in her early twenties raised her hand and stood up.
"What's next for you guys? Another season, another cypher, what's up?" Leshawna figured she'd get that question before she left.
"Well, that jackass Chris has a bunch of us signed up to do another season, but it's up in the air, so we'll see. As for another cypher, we'll have to see about that. Next question?" Another girl, this one a little younger, raised her hand and stood up.
"Where did Cody suddenly come from? Was he invited or what?" Leshawna was actually stumped by that one.
"Y'know, we never did figure that out. With everything that happened, we kinda forgot to ask. I'll have to talk to him about that next time I see him. Okay, last question?" She then heard someone shouting from the back row.
"Yeah! Who do you think you are?!" Everyone looked to see that it was the one and only: Chris McLean.
"I gave you kids a chance to be famous and rich on national television, and this is the thanks I get?" Leshawna put her hands on her hips and glared at him.
"Seriously, Chris? You have to have the only TV show in all of Canada that actually puts a bunch of kids' lives at risk for money and being humiliated in front of the whole damn country!" Chris just scoffed.
"Since you feel that way, I'm gonna ensure that we have a new season, that YOU are gonna be on, AND you'll have to wear this!" He holds up a white t-shirt that says "Krappy Kids Klub" with the K's lined up vertically. Needless to say, that was NOT a good idea on his part.
"CHRIS MCLEAN!" Chris looked at Leshawna, who was positively fuming, with a confused look on his face.
"What? It's not THAT bad, is it?" He looks at the shirt again, not noticing that Leshawna is swiftly making her way to him, nor that everyone else is backing away just as swiftly. But what he did notice was exactly why Leshawna was so mad, and boy did he get scared.
"Oh, sweet mother of-"
That was all he was able to say before Leshawna literally pounced on him and proceeded to beat him senseless. The camera crew was all over the place, some trying to run away, others trying to get a better shot. Security more or less the same, trying to decide whether to help get Leshawna off of Chris, or just let him get the ass-whooping he not so arguably deserved. In the end, they did their duty… and let Chris get his beatdown. Some people recorded the whole thing from Chris' outburst to his beatdown and posted it online that night. Some videos had better angles than others, but no matter what, every video got no less than 2 million views under names ranging from "Racist Host gets overdue ass-kicking", "Clueless dumbass meets Sistah Fury", or a big favorite, "Total Drama's Total Beatdown".
Author's Note: This was way too much fun for me to write. The offensive shirt was an idea I got from The Kobold Necromancer's "Total Drama Comeback". That one moment had me laughing my ass off at visioning Chris' terror and Leshawna's righteous fury. I'm toying with the idea of writing more cypher fanfictions, and so far "Naruto" is next on my list. If anyone has any ideas out there, let me know. Otherwise, review and respond. Be honest, but kind. Like I said before: I am not a rapper.