Disclaimer: Phaerie does not own Harry Potter and Co. This is just a fanfic. Hence it being on .
Summary: They always seemed to be arguing with one another.
Hate to Love You, Love to Shout
A One-shot
By Phaerie
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid." *
"For the love of Merlin, Lily. Just agree to one date, dammit!"
"Fine! One date. One, Potter. And then you have to leave me the fuck alone!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"Who the hell said you could kiss me!?"
"You did!"
"What? When? Somewhere between deflating your massive ego and cursing your mother for ever having the audacity to give birth to you!?"
"It was the look on your face! You were clearly asking for me to kiss you!"
"What is wrong with your brain!? If I wanted you to kiss me, then I'd say, 'Kiss me.'"
"..."
"That wasn't a bloody invitation!"
"But you said-"
"Get the hell away from me! And stay away!"
"Hey! Lily, I was eating that!"
"Too bad."
"Why are you mad at me? I haven't said anything to you all day!"
"Exactly! You don't kiss a girl like that and then ignore her, you buffoon!"
"You told me to leave you alone!"
"That doesn't mean you're supposed to!"
"What the hell? That doesn't even make any sense!"
"It makes perfect sense! You're just too thick to realize it!"
"You know what, Evans? How 'bout you get the hell away from me this time, 'cause you're fucking insane!"
"I hate you!"
"That fact has already been established…on many occasions actually."
"Ugh! You - you! If I'd known all I had to do to get you to 'fall out of love' with me was to kiss you, I'd have done it years ago!"
"What are you talking about? Wait - why are you crying? Lily!"
"Is it that time of the month or something?"
"What! Why the hell—"
"Well you're having all these mood swings! One minute you're a bitch, the next we're kissing, then you have a mental breakdown or something--"
"A mental breakdown!?"
"Well, you were crying and all…"
"Because I was upset!"
"About what!?"
"Oh, I don't know. Possibly the fact that you suddenly don't want me anymore!"
"What? When did I ever say that!?"
"It was the look on your fucking face!"
"Get out of my way, Potter."
"No."
"In case you haven't noticed, you great berk, I'm not in a good mood, and I will not hesitate to hex your dick off right this instance if you don't move."
"That would be very unpleasant, and I don't doubt you for a moment, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not letting you pass."
"…"
"Woah! Hey, put the wand down!"
"Get the hell out of my way!"
"Not until you agree to be my girlfriend!"
"What!?"
"Not until you agr—"
"I heard you, idiot."
"So?"
"Move."
"We've been through this already."
"…"
"Alright, you psycho woman--!"
"Psycho!?"
"Yes, psycho. Say you'll be my girlfriend already. I know you're just as in to me as I'm in to you—"
"Do you have to word it like that?"
"--So just say 'yes' already and lets get to the snogging."
"So that's what this is about? You're just after another snog session?"
"…"
"Answer me!"
"Sorry, what?"
"Were you even listening?"
"No, sorry. I got distracted."
"By what?"
"You."
"…"
"You have no idea how gorgeous you look right now."
"Are you only interested in—"
"…"
"…I never said yes."
"It was written all over your face—plain as day."
"…"
"If all you ever want to do is argue, Lily, then why the hell are we together!"
"What, so you want to break up?"
"Of course not! I've been in love with you since I was fucking 12-years-old. But you clearly can't stand being in close proximity to me; I only ever seem to infuriate you!"
"Why the hell do you have to do that!?"
"Do what?"
"Say it so casually!"
"Say what so casually?"
"You always have to say it and make me feel guilty for not saying it back!"
"Wha - Lils, what are you on about?"
"Maybe I just want to wait to tell you at the perfect moment!"
"Tell me what? What are we arguing about!?"
"I love you, dammit!"
"James! Why the hell didn't you tell me we were coming here for dinner?"
"I wanted it to be a surprise."
"A little heads up would have been nice! I thought we were just going to the pub! I came straight from work! I look ridiculous compared to how everyone else is dressed. Including you!"
"You look beautiful. You always look beautiful; even in those awful robes."
"I'll let that slide as an all together neutral comment. Now, why are we here?"
"I just wanted to take you out somewhere nice, is that a crime?"
"It is when you let me show up to a restaurant this high-class dressed like this."
"Well if I'd told you ahead of time, you would have figured it out."
"Figured what out? That you're an arse who enjoys humiliating his girlfriend? Sorry to disappoint, but I figured that out quite a while ago actually."
"No - ugh! Could we just stop arguing and enjoy dinner?"
"I still don't see why we had to come here."
"We had to come here because tonight has to be special."
"What the hell for!?"
"Fine! You know what, how 'bout we just forget it then, yeah?"
"Forget what? You never told me why the bloody hell we're here in the first place."
"I was going to propose, but never mind now! You've gone and ruined the atmosphere!"
"You were going to - what?"
"Propose. You know, ask you to marry me. But bollocks to that now."
"You want to marry me?"
"Of course I want to marry you! I've had our wedding planned since we were sixteen!"
"You know, sometimes--mainly when you say shit like that--I have to wonder if you're really a man."
"Oh, shut up and eat your food!"
"…"
"…"
"So?"
"So what?"
"Are you going to ask me?"
"..."
"To marry you, you idiot."
"I just told you the atmosphere was already ruined."
"Who the hell cares? Ask me anyway!"
"Why the hell should I bother now?"
"Ask me!"
"No!"
"James Potter, you had better bloody well ask me to marry you within the next five seconds or Merlin help me you'll lose all ability to procreate! Five!"
"For fuck's sake woman! What the hell's wrong with you!?"
"Four."
"What? So you're really going to count it down?"
"Three."
"How immature can you get, Lily?"
"Two."
"What the hell is the point of this!?"
"ON - "
"MARRY ME, DAMMIT!"
"That was a command, not a question."
"Oh bloody well."
"I'm not going to marry you just because you say so."
"Oh yes, you are."
"I most certainly am not."
"You are going to marry me, Lily Evans soon-to-be Potter. You should know by now that I don't take no for an answer."
"You didn't even ask a question, you twat!"
"If I already know the answer, then there's no point in making it a question!"
"Yes, there is!"
"Fine! Will you bloody well marry me?"
"I've half a mind to say no, just because you were such a prick about it."
"Lily."
"Fine, I'll marry you! Happy?"
"Would it kill you to pick up after yourself?"
"What are you talking about? I do pick up after myself!"
"Then why is there a sock in the fucking hallway!"
"It probably fell out of the clothes basket."
"Well, pick it up!"
"Honestly, woman, it's just one bloody sock."
"I heard that!"
"Yeah, well then maybe you'll hear this too: it's your fucking sock!"
"Oh, what? So now you're going to get angry with me? You don't even care if shit's on the floor anyway!"
"But you do apparently!"
"Someone in this flat has to!"
"You used to be fine with a little mess! What ever happened to that lovely, a-little-mess-is-alright woman I married?"
"…"
"Lily? Oy, Lils, I was only joking. I'm sorry, alright? Don't cry."
"I am not crying!"
"Yeah, 'cause your face is normally all red and blotchy like that."
"…"
"What now?"
"I can't believe you!"
"Sorry, what?"
"Are you saying I'm not attractive to you anymore!?"
"What!? When did I ever say—wait, hold up. What exactly did I say?"
"Are you saying I'm fat!?"
"What does it sound like to you that I'm saying? 'Cause I swear that's not what I'm saying, but clearly you're hearing it so—"
"I can't help it if I'm fat! It's not even my fault! It's yours, you great arse!"
"Lily, Lily-flower, Cuddle-muffin! Slow down and fill me in. You've completely lost me."
"I'm only fat because—"
"You are not fat! Why the hell do you keep saying that?"
"Because you got me pregnant!"
"Because I got you what!?"
"Pregnant!"
"…You're pregnant?"
"Yes!"
"What—why—you're pregnant!"
"Yes. Your language comprehension is top-notch, dearest."
"…"
"What was that for?"
"You're pregnant!"
"James! James stop spinning me! Oh Merlin, now I feel nauseous."
"Bollocks! Hold on, don't spew your guts 'til I get you to the toilet."
"What a lovely sentiment."
"Here you go! Puke away!"
"…"
"…"
"Sometimes I honestly just have to step back and ask myself why I married you."
"It's cause I'm the only guy you know nice enough to hold your hair back for you."
"Oh yes. Clearly, that was the deciding factor."
"…Feel better now?"
"…"
"Would a hug improve things?"
"…Maybe."
"…"
"…"
"So…you're pregnant."
"James, don't start that again."
"I wasn't! You didn't let me finish!"
"Finish, then."
"So, you're pregnant…"
"James."
"Guess this means we'll have many nonsensical arguments to be looking forward to."
"How is that different from every other day we've been together…and not together, for that matter?"
"Now there'll be an underlying cause, though."
"There's always been an underlying cause."
"What? The fact you're insane a good percentage of the time?"
"I was going to say it's your inability to be anything other than an arse, but I think you summed it up quite nicely yourself just then."
"Stop it."
"Stop what? I'm not doing anything. Unless of course you're telling me to stop breathing, in which case I shall have to disobey, despite all those long-winded promises I made at the wedding to love and obey, seeing as how you're trying to kill me."
"…"
"Ow! No kicking!"
"Then stop addressing all conversation to my rotund midriff!"
"I am not—"
"You are. I never thought I'd be reduced to saying this, but I miss your days as a horny teenager who insisted on conversing with my breasts! You've actually managed to direct your attention even farther from my face!"
"I still converse with your breasts. They're quite the conversationalists, and they've been swelling up quite nicely as of late."
"Clearly my belly has more interesting things to say today. What are you two talking about? If it's to be your new fellow Quidditch fanatic, Sirius will be quite distressed."
"Merlin, Lily! Why can't I talk to your belly? There's a person growing inside there!"
"Yes, well, the woman growing that person would appreciate some attention from her husband that didn't constantly remind her of how shitty she feels all the time."
"You know it'll be totally worth it once the baby's born."
"That's the popular belief, yes. At the moment, I may as well be in Hell."
"How much you wanna bet that in half an hour you're going to be sobbing over a bowl of Fortescue's you demand I obtain once it hits you that you compared being pregnant with our child to living in Hell?"
"…"
"OW."
"Be a good husband and distract me. And look me in the eyes when we're talking."
"Fine. What shall we talk about?"
"I don't know. Just talk."
"What do you think we should name the baby?"
"James! No more baby talk!"
"What do you propose we talk about then?"
"…I don't know."
"Baby names it is. I was thinking, if it's a girl, how 'bout a flower name? Like Rose or Pansy?"
"No. I hate being named for a flower. Everyone always assumes you're a fragile little girl."
"Well, we could name her after a vicious kind of flower."
"What? Like Venus Flytrap?"
"Oh! Venus! That'd be a nice name."
"Rejected. Absolutely not."
"Why not?"
"Think about it James. Venus. The goddess of love."
"So?"
"Wait for it. Soon it'll come to you all the horrible things you'd have teased a girl named Venus about back in school."
"…"
"…"
"Like hell some teenage tosser is going to say that about my daughter!"
"Exactly. What if it's a boy?"
"We don't even know what we'll call it if it's a girl, though."
"We've still got four months to decide."
"There is that. How about Sirius Jr.?"
"…"
"James Jr. then."
"…"
"Remus Jr.?"
"…"
"Pe—"
"Don't even go there."
"Fine. What do you suggest then?"
"I was thinking…Harry."
"Harry."
"Yes, Harry."
"Harry. Harry Harry Harry. Harry Potter. I like it."
"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him. Go! Run! I'll hold him off—"**
fin.
* quoted from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p. 647
** quoted from Prisnoer of Azkaban