E! True Cormyrian Story presents...
Bhaalspawn Tales: Behind the Iron Shortage
cut to actor, Tony Jay, dressed up in a black and white suit and tie, sitting on the corner of a mahogany desk with a spotlight from above aimed down at him. His hands are on his lap, with a manilla folder with neatly stacked papers inside the folder.
TONY JAY
Good evening. And welcome to E! True Cormyrian Story, the show where we divine the truth of matters and bring them to your screen. This evening's episode--
cut to black, with whit text saying "Bhaalspawn Tales: Behind the Iron Shortage"
TONY JAY
Bhaalspawn Tales: Behind the Iron Shortage. All know the tale of the Bhaalspawn, and Alaundo's prophecy.
Tony Jay stands up, reaches behind him, and pulls a skull off the desk, raising it traight out in front of him towards the camera at eye level
TONY JAY
The Lord of Murder shall perish. But in his doom, he shall spawn a score of mortal progeny. Chaos shall be sown in their passage. So sayeth the wise Alaundo. puts the skull down The most famous tale is that of... errr... well... nobody really knows the name of the Bhaalspawn. Nor his race. Or profession. Or even gender. For all intents and purposes, we will refer to the Bhaalspawn as a he. It's like... it's like you could say that the Bhaalspawn was a female dwarven bard Josephina and you'd be just as right as say... a male human sorcerer named Inteus. They're all correct. It was a valiant tale, worthy of being told at any tavern. But what really happened? The rumors... the scandals... that's what brings us here tonight. Allow me to introduce our first guest for the evening.
Cut to Tony Jay sitting in a brown leather chair, sipping from a cup of coffee.
TONY JAY
My first guest is a warrior, bold and pure. He fights for a noble family in Waterdeep and in the name of the guardian, Helm. He has asked that we not reveal his name during this interview. How are you doing this evening?
cut to Ajantis Ilvastarr, sitting in a similar leather chair, wearing platemail armor and helm. His face his fuzzed out so as to not reveal his identity. Show text "Unknown paladin: Follower of Helm and overzealous wierdo"
AJANTIS
Quite good, thank you.
TONY JAY
Any particular comments you want to make about the Bhaalspawn before we begin? Perhaps describe your relationship to him?
AJANTIS
I have little to say. I met up with the Bhaalspawn not long after he left Candlekeep, just north of the Friendly Arm Inn in the Western Heartlands. He, that annoying little girl he was with, those two damn Harpers, and those two other blasted Zhents, were heading wouth to look at the Nashkel Mines. I politely reminded them that they were heading in the wrong direction, and suggested that our goals were close to the same.
cut to footage of Ajantis' face
AJANTIS
You are the bride of the Bugbear chieaftain, as people say, and every ninth night he treats you like a woman!
cut to Tony Jay
TONY JAY
How does that make any sens--
AJANTIS
It doesn't, okay? By Helm, I didn't have anything to say!
TONY JAY
Why the harshness?
AJANTIS
They know what they did.
TONY JAY
And what did they do?
AJANTIS
I'm not telling.
TONY JAY
That's okay. I'll ask someone else. This is Xzar and Montaron. Tell me about Aj-- the paladin.
cut to Xzar and Montaron on a couch, Xzar on the left, Montaron on the right. Xzar is in the fetal position. Show text "Xzar & Montaron: Zhentish agents.
MONTARON
Head up his arse.
XZAR
...I see them...
MONTARON
Should'a never been born.
XZAR
The rabbits!!
TONY JAY
Does he... does he even know where he is?
MONTARON sighs
Look at yer socks. Ye better get rid of 'em quick.
Cut to Tony Jay's socks. Black with white rabbits on them.
TONY JAY
They're my lucky socks.
XZAR feminine voice
GET THEM OFF NOW!!! You're aligned with the rabbits!
cut to Tony Jay taking off his black leather shoes, along with his socks. He tosses them in front of Xzar. Xzar screeches, then stands up defiantly, muttering an incantation with an orange aura appearing on his hands. When he finishes it, a fireball launches itself into the ground where the socks are, exploding. Camera goes offline for 3 seconds. It cuts back on. Xzar's green Robe of Fire Resistance is smoking, but otherwise fine. Montaron's face and leather armor have been blackened by the flames, with some of his hair having been singed off. Montaron coughs, smoking.
AJANTIS
You invited those two?!?!?
Ajantis leaves his chair, unaware that he's stepped out of the area where his face was fogged off, bastard sword drawn, and prepares to hack Xzar and Montaron down. He makes a vertical swing, missing both Xzar and Montaron and cutting the couch in half.
TONY JAY
Hey look, my audience. The secret paladin was Ajantis Ilvastarr the whole time!
AJANTIS loking at Tony Jay; Xzar and Montaron have disappeared from camera
YOU! You bastard!
TONY JAY Ajantis is chasing him around th chairs and couches
Hmmm... when we return from... commercial break, we'll speak with a d... delusional gnome who claims he was only... delusional due to his addiction to leaves. HELP ME!!
cut to black