(Reese is watching TV and puts soda down on the coffee table)
(Lois walks by)
Lois:Reese! Use a coaster!
Reese:I am!
Lois:GET A COASTER.
Reese:Alright! Fine!
(As Reese gets up, the camera shows Dewey below him)
(Dewey has his hand above the coffeetable holding the drink)
-
(Reese is sipping a drink and he puts it down on the coaster...which is in Dewey's hands)
(Dewey sighs)
-
YES NO. MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW. CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION? YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW. AND YOU'RE NOT SO BIG. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME NOW. AND YOU'RE NOT SO BIG.
LIFE IS UNFAIR.
(Malcolm's talking to you)
Malcolm:So lately now, Francis and Piama are trying to break free of the ranch to live their own life of superiorities, which will never exist. Unless, they start pulling some slack. And also, there's this really pretty girl named Megan Johnson. Me and Reese are battling over who likes who. But I bet she doesn't like either one of us. I wonder where Reese got the idea that Megan likes us. But whenever I ask him, I don't get an applicable answer. Watch. Hey Reese! Where did you hear Megan liked us?
(Reese is playing videogames)
Reese:In a minute.
Malcolm:See? Well, I'll have found out sooner or later. But not by Reese. I GUESS I might have a chance with Megan. But something will go horribly wrong and I won't be able to see her again. Like with Jessica. We had a chance. No. Allison. No. Sarah. No. It's all a matter of what happens and what doesn't. Like a bet! Me and Reese made a deal of $100 dollars she would pick one of us.
(Malcolm's eyes widen)
Malcolm:Th-That w-was a---GOOD choice. Right? PLEASE say "Right!
-
(Dewey is outside playing with a remote control car)
Dewey:This family stinks! I'm going to go live on my own! Like Francis!
(Light voice)
Dewey:No Dewey! We love you! Our family is NOTHING without your superior spectacular fantastic abilities! Your brothers are dimwitted idiot MORONS who wouldn't be under control and disciplined without your skills!
(Normal voice)
Dewey:NO! I've HAD it with you people! I'm going to go LIVE a better life! Without the obstacles an abstract of distorted trust with has NEVER existed in this hellhole of a so-called FAMILY!
(Light voice)
Dewey:We're sorry, Dewey! Just PLEASE! Come back!
(The car goes flying off a skateboard ramp, into a dump truck, dumped into the dump, rides down the hills of trash, gets catapulted off a catapult, flies and lands in a tree, falls to the ground, gets bounced off a trampoline, bounces to the top of someone's house, falls to the ground and flips over rolling down the tilted pavement into the street, someone wipes out on a skateboard sending the car flying through the neighborhood, gets sent in the air by a pneumatic drill vibrating it in a ditch up into the air and hits a cone which POPS him back up into the air, flew into the park by a roaring car, bounced off a seesaw, caught into a tree, falls and lands in a sandbox. Someone kicks it, and gets flew past the tree,s lices the gate, rides on it's own, rides a loop, gets shot off a halfpipe, transfers into a ditch, goes up, shot into Dewey's front yard.
Dewey:Like a boomerang.
(A pretty girl rides by on her scooter)
(I Believe In Miracles is playing)
(In Dewey's imagination)
Girl:I love you, Dewey. Dewey? Look over here, you idiot! I love you so much! Those brothers of yours are nothing but trouble. You need to look here. Instead of worrying about a stupid-------(Miracles stops playing abruptly as Malcolm's really talking saying)
Malcolm:I hate you Dewey! Dewey? Look over here, you stupid idiot! I hate you so much! Those girls of yours you love are nothing but trouble! You need to look here! Instead of worrying about a stupid GIRL. Come look at REESE! He has his head staticly caught to the TV again!
(From inside)
Reese:OW! HELP ME, YOU GUYS!
(Jamie is inside. He runs to Reese. He has a toy hammer. He bonks Reese with it repeatedly)
Reese:Ow! Jamie! Stop! Bad Jamie! Quit it! Ouch! Ow! Stop! Ow!
(Dewey is smiling)
Dewey:I've found love.
(Malcolm looks sickened)
Malcolm:Oh my gosh! Is that even POSSIBLE?! Ew! Yuch! Ugh!
(Malcolm kicks Dewey's car)
(It flies to the door as Lois swings open the door knocking the car to Dewey)
Lois:Dewey! Malcolm! We're on the news!
(Malcolm and Dewey run into the living room to find everybody crowding the TV to find a news report about them)
Newscaster:I'm Bob Leachman. And I'm here to report to you a small, teenaged boy, a dumb 18 year old boy, a 12 year old elf-looking boy all in a group of 3 with a wheelchair brown-colored boy with glasses and black hair were speeding, and running away from the police alledgedly because they had created a major infringement due to Scott's Shop down the road on Route 5 where they had stolen goods from the shop and knocked over a young girl on the pavement. She's in a cast. We have the girl here right now. Her name is Megan Johnson.
Malcolm and Reese:Oh crud.
Megan:They just sped by and knocked over crates and boxes, and then I slipped and banged my arm. I broke my arm and now I'm a cast. Thanks a lot! Jerks!
Reese:Oh no.
Malcolm:You don't think this little thing will deflect our chances of one of us being liked?
Reese:Let's hope not.
Hal:So THAT'S why we've been on the news? You boys are in serious trouble! You've poisoned monkeys, detonated supermarkets. Y-You've EVEN mutated a lizard! You've inhabited the town of plagues of mutany and despair! Lois:YOU'RE gonna be in a cast by the time we're done with you!
Hal:Yeah!
Reese:Well, you can't do anything about it!
Malcolm:Yeah!
Reese:So just shut up!
(Malcolm looks unsure)
(Lois and Hal look at Malcolm and Reese angrily concluding to a CLANG! commerical)
-
(Malcolm and Reese are standing outside the door)
Reese:This is so unfair! We didn't do anything wrong!
Malcolm:Reese. We robbed that guy back who lives in the neighborhood. Remember?
Reese:Oh yeah.
(Reese is pacing around)
Reese:Well, we need to think of SOMETHING! We've been adandoned!
Malcolm:It was YOUR fault in particular.
Reese:What's THAT supposed to mean!
Malcolm:Well you had the idea to rob Scott's Shop, YOU hit the girl, you said to shut up. And frankly, I think YOU deserve the credit to be kicked out AGAIN.
Reese:Shut up, dirtbag!
Malcolm:Why don't you?
(They both look at eachother with a hard, angry look)
(They both tackle eachother)
Malcolm:YAR!
Reese:ARGH!
(BOOM! BANG! SMACK)
Malcolm and Reese:OW! OUCH! OW! YOU'RE PULLING MY HAIR! STOP! OW! THOSE ARE MY BICEPS! OW! PRECIOUS MUSCLES! OUCH! REESE! STOP SLAPPING ME! OW! QUIT IT! OUCH! OW! UGH! OW! UGH! STOP IT! OUCH! OW!
-
(Francis is on the phone with Dewey)
Francis:KICKED OUT AGAIN!
Dewey:Yeah! It's great! No more math and quirky idiotic Three Stooge's-esque troublesome antics and no more pulverizing beatings and terrifyingly idiotic behavioral issues and dangerous stupid-head stunts!
Francis:This is abuse! It's illegal to kick your sons out before they're even 18! I should sue their sorry butts! Infact I will!
(Dewey's eyes widen)
Francis:I'm gonna write them a check of 10,000 dollars! Write it up to the police, send it to the federal government, sha-boom sha-bang! Taken care of in a snap!
Dewey:FRANCIS!
Francis:Dewey, I know it sounds drastic but it's the only way those tyrants will ever learn!
(Francis hangs up)
Dewey:BUT!
BEEP!
(The phone is disconnected)
Dewey:URG!
-
(All The Small Things plays by Blink 182)
(Malcolm and Reese are at a hotel called The Golden Hotel)
(Malcolm and Reese are in the dining room where a band is playing and Malcolm and Reese place dynamite in the kitchen)
BOOM!
(Security is grabbing Malcolm and Reese by the collars and dropping them out in back)
(Malcolm and Reese are in a hotel called Sunshine Inn)
(Malcolm and Reese are in the pool and they smash out of the loft window in waveboats and smash into the pool throwing fireworks everywhere aside the pool throwing crates everywhere and smash out the next huge window off the poolside and skid on the ground and jump out just before it explodes)
(Security kicks them out and they stamp LIFETIME BAN on a piece of paper where it reads the damage and the hotel name and Malcolm and Reese hand the security guard $4,765 and get hauled away in a police car)
(Malcolm and Reese are in a hotel called the Dawson Motel)
(Malcolm and Reese are jumping on their beds and the beds smash through the ground and they fall into another person's room and then they fall into another people's room)
(Malcolm and Reese are handing a man a check of 1,000 dollars)
(Malcolm and Reese are in the same hotel but at the arcade)
(Reese loses at a videogame)
(Reese kicks themachine in anger and the wires disconnect and the machine falls over)
(The wire snaps and the wall cracks a lot and ALL the other videogames in the arcade fall over and smash to the ground)
(All The Small Things stops as the door SLAMS to the Dawson Motel as Malcolm and Reese are standing there sadly and angrily)
Malcolm:Well now what? We've lost all our money and we've been kicked out of every hotel in town.
Reese:I don't know.
(Malcolm and Reese sigh)
Reese:Wait! I've got an idea!
-
(Reese and Malcolm are on the phone with Lois)
(Reese and Malcolm are talking in desperate voices)
Reese:And we've lost ALL our money and we've been kicked out of EVERY hotel in town!
Malcolm:Mom. We're REALLY sorry and we know what we did was wrong. Vandalism a cruel thing to do and we're just SO desperate!
Reese:And we miss you SO much!
Malcolm:Yeah!
Lois:Well, this is avery sudden change in your attitude.
(Reese and Malcolm are smiling happily)
Lois:Even though I know this junk is just a fake charade.
(Reese and Malcolm are frowning)
Lois:But maybe I COULD let you guys home.
(Reese are Malcolm are smiling happily again)
Lois:Or then again.
(Reese and Malcolm are frowning)
Lois:Or maybe.
(Reese and Malcolm are smiling)
Lois:Naw.
(Reese and Malcolm are frowning)
Lois:Well.
(Reese and Malcolm are smiling)
Lois:Uh.
(Reese and Malcolm are frowning)
Lois:Naw.
(Reese are Malcolm are smiling)
Lois:Nah.
(Reese and Malcolm are frowning)
Lois:Naw...Yes!
(Reese and Malcolm wipe their foreheads with relief)
Lois:But only since you put on such a good act for me. Ah...You're desperation awakens me with GREAT joy!
(Lois hangs up)
Reese:Well this stinks. She only knows it's a joke. We didn't do anything wrong! All we did was knock over an insanely hot teenage girl and commited a vandalism at Scott's Shop just to impress her.
Malcolm:You did that to IMPRESS her? I thought we were just being punks and commiting a crime!
Reese:Naw. Dewey was trying to impress Jessica. And I was trying to impress Megan.
Malcolm:Are you SO mental that you can't just accept the fact that GIRLS DON'T LIKE WHEN YOU COMMIT CRIMES AND HURT THEM?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't you remember Wendy Finnerman? Don't you remember 4 years ago?
Reese:No, no, yes and yes.
Malcolm:Dang...Bet you that hundred dollars she likes ME!
Reese:Ha! No! ME!
Malcolm:Are you kidding? You're a slack dumb-head idiot! Nobody likes YOU!
Reese:ARGH!
(Reese tackles Malcolm and beats him up)
-
(Francis is on the phone with Lois)
Francis:Remember that talk we had about me and Piama and "living the life of regular superiorities"
Lois:Oh god Francis. THAT again? The last time we talked about this face to face cake flied and Piama ended up with dip on her face and my head soaked in water!
-
(It flashbacks to Hal's Birthday)
Lois:You want to have some cake? I'll give you cake! Here's your cake!
Francis:Can Piama have a rose?
Lois:Sure! Here's your damn cake! Happy birthday! Happy damn birthday!
(She splats cake all over the plates and table)
-
(Lois gets water dunked on her head)
(Piama gets dip splatted on her face)
Hal:OK!
-
Francis:I'd thank you not to mention that again.
(Lois sighs)
-
(What's My Age Again by Blink 182 plays)
(Malcolm is at Megan's door with chocolates and rings the doorbell)
(Reese steps on him and Megan answers the door and Reese gives her flowers)
(Megan smiles happily)
-
(Reese is walking with Megan)
(A horn beeps)
(Megan turns around)
(A limo is there and Malcolm rolls down the window)
(Megan runs into the limo)
(Reese looks sad)
(Malcolm looks obviously happy)
-
(Malcolm writes Megan a love card)
(Reese writes an impressive love letter card with a CD attached and classic music plays when you open the card and a DVD enclosed)
-
(Reese hands Megan a fancy lunch from Burger Barn)
(Malcolm throws a buffet for Megan)
-
(Malcolm's at Megan's door with a new shirt and jeans in a GAP bag)
(Reese pushes Malcolm and has a tuxedo on and a see-through bag with a pink, sparkling dress with sequenes on it)
(Megan comes out and holds Reese's hand as they walk away and Reese smiles happily)
(Reese turns around and mouths the words to Malcolm:YOU OWE ME)
(Malcolm is upset and angry and throws the bag down in anger concluding to a CLANG! commercial)
-
(Francis and Lois are still on the phone)
Francis:This is so unfair! Just like you kicked Reese and Malcolm out! Speaking of which, did you get the check?
Lois:What check?
Francis:The check! You know! The one that declares I'm sui---PURSUING my duties as your loving son and DONATING $10,000!
Lois:Oh my god! Francis! Uh--uh---THANK YOU! OH!
Francis:I guess now you'll reconsider me becoming an official wedded couple and-
(Lois hangs up)
BEEP!
Piama:Did she?
Francis:Shut up---sweetie.
Piama:Another bittersweet comment.
(Piama sighs)
-
(Malcolm's sitting on the couch)
(Malcolm's talking to you)
Malcolm:Reese got Megan on a date. I was left on the curb to cry. Life is so unfair!
Reese:Well, I'm off on my date with MEGAN JOHNSON. By the way, you owe me 200 bucks!
Malcolm:The bet was 100!
Reese:I'm sorry. All I hear is a distant voice from a nobody! See ya!
-
(Lois is checking the mail in the kitchen with Hal)
(Dewey walks into the kitchen)
(Lois sighs)
Hal:What's wrong, honey?
Lois:It's Francis. He's so upset. We kicked the kids out again and he was upset we wouldn't allow him to live the life of superiorities.
(Lois starts to smile)
Lois:But then he said he sent us a check for $10,000!
Hal:Holy crud! We've hit the jackpot! Ha ha!
Lois:Let's see if it's here!
(Malcolm runs into the kitchen and grabs Dewey and pulls him into the hall where the back door is)
Malcolm:Dewey, I need your help.
Dewey:No! I'm trying to-
Malcolm:I need to do collateral damage!
Dewey:It sounds cool but I have my own proble-
Malcolm:It's revenge on Reese!
Dewey:Heck yeah! What is it?
(Reese walks by with Megan smiling)
Malcolm:That.
Dewey:Ah, I see. Bet?
Malcolm:Yeah.
Dewey:Lost?
Malcolm:Yeah.
Dewey:Reese got the girl?
Malcolm:Shut up!
(Dewey is smiling)
Dewey:Alright. What's the plan?
Malcolm:Read the blueprints. Get the dynamite from me and Reese's hotel bombing, toilet paper, soda stash, fireworks, gasoline and-
-
(Dewey is rolling toilet paper)
(Malcolm is stacking wood)
(Dewey and Malcolm are purchasing fuel tanks)
(Malcolm and Dewey are pushing lawn mowers)
(Dewey is shaking up many bottles of soda)
(Malcolm's buying swords)
(Malcolm and Dewey are planting fireworks)
(Malcolm and Dewey unscrew the neighborhood fire hydrants)
(Malcolm's building a rocket)
(Dewey's buying trampolines)
(Malcolm and Dewey buy 10 bulldogs)
(Malcolm and Dewey are buying stilts)
(Malcolm and Dewey are holding dangerous tools)
(Malcolm's placing eggs in a catapult)
(Dewey is buying balloons and taking Jamie's dirty diapers)
(Malcolm and Dewey have a flamethrower)
(They light it and it torches off a dozen bushes)
Malcolm and Dewey:Yeah!
(Malcolm and Dewey high-five)
-
(Lois and Hal pick up the mail checks)
Lois:Oh, Hal! Here's the check!
(Francis walks in and slams the door)
Lois:Oh Francis! You're here! Thank you for the 10,000 dollar check!!!!!!!! How in the world did you get this money? Why would you give it to us?! Oh! I love you! Go! Go! Live your own life of superiorities! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh honey!
Francis:Well, uh, I guess I can go!
Lois:Thank you, honey!
Francis:What the he---oh right right RIGHT. The MONEY! 5,000?
Lois:10,000.
Francis:Yeah.
-
(Istanbul Not Constantinople by They Might Be Giants plays)
Malcolm:Reese HAS to learn he's dealing with the better man, psh. And so is Megan! Even if we're, well, even, it doesn't count. I'm not letting Reese walk all over me again, literally.
(Malcolm loads a paintball gun)
(Infront of the bush, is an unsuspecting Reese and Megan walking out looking fancy. Reese has a tuxedo, while Megan has a pink dress and flowers with her. As they ready to be escorted to the best restaraunt in the area)
(BANG)
(Malcolm shoots Reese with the paintball gun)
(Reese flies back right onto the ground with a CRACK)
Reese:OW!!!! What the heck was that!
Megan:I don't know!
(Malcolm continually shoots Reese, sending him to flop around like a fish screaming for mercy)
(As Reese lay in fear, Malcolm looks at Megan, then Reese, then back at shocked and surprised Megan)
Malcolm:Eh, the heck with it.
(He shoots Megan down and it's a freaky frenzy on the ground back there)
(Dewey runs in quickly with fireworks, fuel tanks, and shaken bottles of soda)
Malcolm:Ready?
Dewey:I was born ready.
(Dewey lights the fireworks as the writhing Megan and Reese are on the ground)
(The fireworks explode sending Reese and Megan to duck, roll around and yelp)
(Malcolm and Dewey chuck the soda sending them all to get Reese and Megan soaked, and the fuel tanks are laid on the ground by all the fire hydrants in the perimeter of the street)
(Malcolm gets the trampolines, Dewey prepares the lighting of the fuel to the unscrewed fire hydrants, the bulldogs rush in after Malcolm lets go of the gate, gets the wood and toilet paper, and stilts while Dewey gets the dirty diapers, tools, catapult, rocket, swords, and flamethrowers all in a wheelbarrel)
Malcolm and Dewey:1, 2, 3!
(The blast-off occurs with random objects being spurted and spued everyhwere from wood, stilts, swords, dirty diapers, an automatic catapult firing rotten eggs at the fleeing Reese and Megan, fire hydrants explode, the bulldogs madly attack, everything boings off the trampoline, the fireworks are off, and the rocket is shot as flames and heavy tools are all abrupt)
Reese and Megan:AHHHH!
(Paint is splattered, and the neighborhood is a mess as Malcolm and Dewey high-five eachother)
(Malcolm and Dewey rush up to a freaked-out Reese and Megan)
Malcolm:Somebody owes ME $200! You got a taste of your own medicine to the next level of extremities, while I won Megan. Cough it up, jerk.
Reese:NO!! The only thing I'll give you, is a fist in the face!
Malcolm:I'd like to see you try, ya big loser.
(Oh boy)
Reese:YARGH!
(Reese tackles Malcolm to the ground as they both scream as Malcolm kicks and punches Reese while Reese pulls his hair and rolls around frantically bodyslamming him while Malcolm flails around smacking him around while dirt flies, bruises occur, and they get scraped up)
Megan:I can't take this anymore!
(Megan eyes another handsome guy down the road, and they both smile and walk away, leaving Malcolm and Reese to fight in an explosion of insults, and destruction)
(Dewey watches as if to say:"how pathetic)
Dewey:Whatever. I don't have time for this.
(The camera zooms out as Malcolm and Reese fight, the content Megan and the handsome man walk into the limo, and Dewey walks away from the paint-and-egg splattered, water-and-soda soaked, ruins of rockets, flying wood, and tool-bound scene, shaking his head with a chuckle)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------