I breathed in, a deep sharp breath. The winter air hit my lungs, sending a cold chill throughout my body. I sat on the bench in the park, waiting for my brother and his friends to get done with their acoustic performance at the radio station up the street. I traced patterns in the snow, thinking about how much I missed my now dead oldest brother, Daniel. Everyone knew he felt ignored, how could he not feel that way? When your younger brother is becoming a rockstar, getting girls everynight, and getting in no trouble for coming home at ungodly hours completely wasted...anyone would feel that way.
But suicide? Was that really the only answer Daniel could come up with? He was always smart, and made good decisions. But suicide? It was never something I, or anyone for that matter, would expect Daniel to do. It tore my family apart. My parents started getting harsher on Alex when he came home wasted at 4 in the morning. If they had only known that this was his way of coping, drinking the pain away. To the point where he was so drunk he couldn't feel a thing. It seemed pointless to me, to do that. It wouldn't make anything better, and your life would just go by more quickly.
I sat, staring at the swingset across from me. I thought about all the times Daniel had brought me to the park, and pushed me on the swings. I thought about all the times Daniel had taken me anywhere, despite plans he had made before-hand. All the times he had dropped dates to spend time with his little sister. Alex had never done that. Alex had never taken me to the park. He had never passed on hanging out with girls to spend time with me. He had never skipped band practice so he could stay home and watch movies with me. Alex was a jerk, so why did Daniel have to be the one to die? Why couldn't it have been Alex? I clenched my hands into fists, bunching the ends of my coat sleeves into my hands. I felt my cheeks flush with anger. I hated Alex. Hated him. It was his fault Daniel was gone, no one elses...not even Daniels. It was Alex's, and if you looked at him, you wouldn't even think Alex gived a damn. But he did. Because Daniel was his big brother, and he loved him. The same way that he loves me. Just because he hides behind this facade, doesn't mean that he doesn't love us.
I heard snow crunching under feet, and turned around. Alex and his best friend, Jack, were walking up to me. I saw a bottle in Alex's hand and felt a pain surge through my chest. He was already drinking? It was only what? Noon? Maybe a little after? Jack held out a hand and I took it. He pulled me up so I was standing inbetween him and my brother. I reached for Alex's bottle. "You're not old enough Iz." He shook his head, taking a swig.
"Neither are you." I replied, trying to stop the waver in my voice. You would never know it but I was holding back tears. Tears that I had been holding back for weeks. I still hadn't cried about Daniel. But then again, neither had Alex. The only one's who had cried were my mother and father. My mother hadn't stopped crying, in fact.
"But I'm older than you, I can handle it more." Alex argued, starting to walk towards his car.
"Obviously you can't. You're becoming an alcoholic Alex. You need to stop." I almost wanted to take the words back as they slipped out of my mouth. I had already tried to convince Alex to stop once, and that ended in the worst arguement he and I had ever had. He had gotten angry, and had thrown at bottle at me. Which I failed at missing, and it had broken on the side of my head. I only bled a little, and by now was almost healed. Alex had felt horrible afterwards, and had promised to quit drinkng, but broke that promise when he came home the next morning hammered.
Alex turned around, giving me a death glare. I gave a nonchalant face, when on the inside I was screaming. Screaming at him to listen to me so he didn't end up dead, too. "I am not." He snapped. I bit my tongue, holding back all of the things I wanted to tell him to prove him wrong. In the end my temptation won, and I couldn't hold it back any longer.
"Yes you are. You come home wasted, every morning. The first thing you do when you get home is drink. You skip band practices so you can get drunk in some alleyway. You are becoming an alcoholic Alex, and you need to stop before -" but I stopped myself. I wasn't ready to actually talk about Daniel.
"Until what?" Alex asked, raising an eyebrow at me. His eyes were still blazing with anger.
"Nothing." I shook my head, "Forget I said anything." I whispered.
"No, tell me. Tell me why I should stop drinking? It makes me feel good. I've already told you." Alex pushed me to tell him what I had failed to say.
"Because, I don't want you to die. Like Daniel. I can't lose both of my brothers." I snapped, walking away from him and Jack. I could walk home, it wasn't that far away. Plus, the silence would help me think. I kicked at the snow on the ground as I walked down the lonely side-walk that lead to my neighborhood.
I felt puny. Like the whole world was going to come down on me any minute and crush me. Was this how Daniel felt? I shook my head, shaking away thoughts of my brother, shaking away the person he had been just a few weeks ago. Not even a month ago my family was whole. Now, it was broken. Like an uncompleted puzzle, missing it's center piece. I felt as if any moment my family would fall apart and the world would come up from under my feet. It was a dizzying feeling. But I had become used to the feeling now, it seemed as if it was a part of me now. A part of my new personality.
I had ignored my friends for days, some for a week or two. I couldn't talk to anyone, knowing all they would say is "I'm sorry." But then again, that's all anyone ever says. Even if it's not our fault, we say I'm sorry. Half of the time, we really aren't sorry. Most of us could care less. I realized that about two weeks after Daniel had died. So I dropped all my friends, never to talk to them again. They didn't care.
I felt my phone vibrate in the pocket of my peacoat. I pulled it out and saw my mothers name flashing across the screen. I took in a deep breath, the cold air hitting my lungs for the second time that morning. I hit the answer button and held the phone up to my ear.
"Hello?" I asked, it was almost a whisper.
"Isobel? Where are you? I thought you were coming home with your brot - with Alex. Are you okay?" My mother, Isobel, asked in a rush. I had the same name as her, although most people preferred to call me Iz or Izzy.
"I'm fine, Mom. We just got into a little arguement. I'm on my way home right now." I replied, looking down the street ahead of me and seeing my house. I saw Alex's car in the driveway, and two people. I recognized one of them as Alex, and the other must have been a girl. He seemed to have her pinned against the car, kissing her neck. I could only think of one person it could be, Lisa. I walked across the street to the other side-walk. "I'm home, Mom." I replied, hanging up the phone. She had been ranting, but I wasn't paying attention. I walked up my driveway, past Alex and Lisa.
"Hey, Izzy, wait!" I heard Lisa call to me. I turned around and she was walking towards me. She was a short brunette, but she was really pretty, and really sweet.
"Hey Lisa." I put on a fake smile, but she saw through it. I expected her to, she and I had become good friends, and she knew how I felt about the whole Daniel thing.
"Hey, how about tomorrow I take you shopping? To get your mind off of things." Lisa smiled. Alex was leaning against the car, staring at us. "I haven't talked to him, but screw him. I want to hang out with you, and cheer you up."
"Yeah Lis, that sounds like a good idea." I nodded, looking down at her. I was a few inches taller than her, but it made a difference.
"Good, I'll come pick you up tomorrow. Just call me when you're ready to go." She smiled, walking back over to my brother. I waved goodbye and walked into the house, the warm air hit me hard.
"Mom, I'm home." I called, walking through the rooms on the first floor. I couldn't find her. I walked up the stairs in the front hall, planning to go to my room and take a hot bath. I turned the corner at the top of the staircase and walked down the hallway to my room, thats around the time I saw my mother. She was curled up in the fetal postition inside of Daniel's room. I saw her through a crack in the door. I didn't even bother with taking my coat off as I ran into Daniel's room. As soon as I passed through the door way it hit me, like a tidal wave. A feeling of empitness, and bitter hatred. I forced the lump that had now formed in the back of my throat down and hid behind my facade.
"Mom." I whispered, sitting down beside her. She sat up, wiping tears from her bloodshot eyes. She had barely slept lately, but none of us really had.
"What are you doing?" She whimpered. I immediately wanted to reach out and hug her, and tell her everything was fine. But that would be lying.
"The question really is, what are you doing? Mom, you knew what would happen if you came in here. You're only making it harder for yourself." I whispered, closing my eyes, forcing myself not to look at anything. I couldn't break down, not here, not now...this wasn't the right time.
"I needed closure." My mother started sobbing again. "My little boy, he's gone!" I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing tears to stay in. I don't know how long we both sat there, my mother crying as I tried not to. I got up when I heard the garage underneath the room open. I stood out in the hallway as my mother got up and left the room as well. I watched her take a key out of her pocket and lock the door, before she walked past me and down the stairs. I had to force my eyes away from the door to Daniel's room as I heard Alex running up the stairs. I turned and looked at him as he turned the corner, making his way to his room, which was right across the hall from mine.
"Hey Iz." Alex mumbled, opening the door to his room. He stopped when he saw the look on my face though. "Yo, what's wrong?" He asked, enveloping me in a hug.
"When I came upstairs, Mom was in Daniel's room...she was in the fetal position, crying her eyes out." I whimpered, that puny feeling from before was crashing over me again.
"What? Is she okay?" Alex asked, worry dripped from his words. He cared.
"Yeah, I took care of her. It's awful in there Alex. It's like you can feel Daniel is with you." I shuddered in his arms. He let go of me, holding on to my shoulders.
"You went in there?" He asked. I nodded. "Why aren't you crying?"
"I would be, believe me." I replied, walking away from him and into my room. I really needed something to calm me down. I walked to my personal bathroom, one of the many advantages of being the only girl. Although, the amount of time Alex spent in the bathroom, you'd think he was a girl, too. I turned on the water in the tub and stripped out of my clothes. I turned off the water before the tub overflowed and slowly slid into the tub. The warm water gave me goosebumps. I put some bath salts into the tub and felt the roughness of the salt against my bare legs. It was oddly comforting. I laid in the water until it got cool. I stepped out of the tub and wrapped my towel around my body. I walked into my room and got dressed in a big neon yellow t-shirt and a pair of black Soffe shorts. I sat on my windowseat, looking down at the snow down below. I remembered the day we found about Daniel. I remembered his funeral. I remembered the little part of his goodbye note he had dedicated to me. I got up and walked over to my nightstand. I reached for the handle and pulled it open with a trembling hand. I picked up the letter from inside, and held it in my shaking hands. I could barely read the writing I was shaking so much. I didn't even try to as tears fell down my cheeks and I screamed out. The reality of it all, finally settling in.
New story? Well, of course. I actually like the idea of this one, so I'll probably update it soon. Please review and tell me what you think, and if I should continue! P.S. I'm pretty sad about the face that paranormal-alchemy is like...gone :/. I was pretty devastated when I found out. Anywho, I hope you liked it :D.