Mercury Flower Ocean May walked down the dark street, shoulders back and body straight from years of ballet and gymnastics. Oh, how her body posture had been ingrained into her. Hours upon hours of practice each week, pushing herself to her limits. Then there were the swimming lessons, the self-defence lessons... the list went on. Honestly, her parents never gave her a break. It felt like they were living through her due to them being lazy slobs all their lives.
So here she was, trudging along with her heavy backpack instead of sitting in a taxi. Why? Because she misplaced her purse. No. Someone must have stolen it. Mercury shuddered at the thought. She couldn't think like that. Yes, her peers didn't like her that much. But they resolved themselves to whispering and pointing and confronting her with lies and sarcasm. They wouldn't stoop so low as to be this direct... would they?
Clenching her fists, Mercury swung her foot at an empty drink can and sent it hurtling across the road beside her. They would. She needed to stop defending them. She did nothing wrong. Never inconvenienced their lives. Yet they shunned her and treated her as a joke. All because she was smart, pretty and athletic amongst other trivial things. Disincluding the pretty part (which she considered largely subjective and irrelevant), everything else Mercury had worked for. She worked out a lot. She spent her holidays with a text book instead of basking in the sun. Maybe, if they had done as much work as her, the gap between them wouldn't be so big.
Mercury almost hated her parents. What stopped her was the fact that they meant well, and she reluctantly accepted this. Even if they had named her by opening a dictionary at random pages and pointing at several entries. They wanted her to not be like them. They wanted her to make something of herself so she didn't spend the rest of her life in a dead end job. They loved her. And so she pretended she didn't need friends because she would be their boss in the future and then she'd make them pay... as petty as that sounded. Maybe a 7. Possibly an 8.
She reached the mouth of an alleyway and hesitated. It led to some fencing but there was a gap in it someone her size could fit through. Using this route to go home would shave fifteen minutes off her journey. Mercury's back ached, her arms ached, her legs ached... it would be nice to return home that much earlier.
But it was dark and she didn't want to get abducted so she continued past it.
"Hey!" came a voice.
Mercury jumped and spun around.
"You're meant to go down here," the voice added.
She assumed the voice meant down the alleyway and wrinkled her nose. "I'm fine. Thanks." Adjusting the straps of her backpack, for they were cutting into her shoulders, she strode away with her chin held high. But her legs shook and her heart raced because she hadn't seen who the voice belonged to and it was a creepy thing to have happen to you.
"That's not part of the script!" the voice raged. "Ninjas, reveal yourselves!"
This was when the ninjas fell out of the sky. No exaggeration. A hundred of them at least. Well, she assumed they were ninjas. Maybe they were drunk and thought they were ninjas. Pretty authentic ninja garb though, based on the films and research she had done. Black with the exception of a grey jacket, boots and gloves. Where had they come from? They couldn't have all fitted onto the roofs of nearby buildings. And what about the ones that dropped onto the road? Some were still arriving from what must have been a wormhole invisible to the human eye.
Squeaking, Mercury held up her fists and placed them against her chest. Her self-defence lessons had never covered ninja attacks. She wondered whether she could get her money back.
"We need her alive," said one ninja wearing a sombrero or something. With his red eyes and red cape, Mercury instantly knew he was their leader. Possibly even a main character. "However, you can intimidate her and make sexual advances."
She squealed as they approached her. Mercury tried to find a way out but they were as compact as a tent bag. They all drew their weapons: katana, kunai, kusarigama and more, raising them above their heads as they ambled towards her.
"Please!" She lifted her leg up and nestled as much of her face into her shoulder as possible. "Don't kill me!"
They stopped. Mercury opened one eye.
The ninja in front of her fidgeted. "You're not, uh, going to attack us?"
"How the hell can I attack you?"
"With... your... katana?"
"My kat-" Mercury stared. "Why would I have a katana? Where would I keep it? In my bag? Hey!" One of the ninjas swiped her backpack off her shoulders and proceeded to rummage through it. She snatched it back. "What's the big idea?"
"No katana," said the ninja. "There might be some poisoned darts concealed in there."
"I DON'T HAVE ANY POISONED DARTS!" Then she remembered she was surrounded by (supposedly) trained ninjas and mellowed out. "I'm just a regular fifteen year old girl. I... I think you got the wrong person."
The Boss Ninja slid his hand under his hat and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. He held it out at an arm's length and squinted at it. "No, that's definitely you."
"Do you have a photo of me?" asked Mercury, not sure whether to be angry or terrified. She decided to be both. "Maybe the person just looks like me."
"Is your name Mercury Flower Ocean May?"
"Yes." She blinked. "I mean... uh, no. Um. My name is... Jane... Susan... ah.. Smith. Jane Susana Smith."
"Then we'll just have to kill you." The Boss Ninja raised his trident and aimed for her head. Mercury ducked a second before the weapon slashed where her head had been.
"I lied! I am Mercury!"
"Then we'll just have to kidnap you."
Mercury swore under her breath. Two ninjas grabbed her, one holding each arm. She struggled. The Boss Ninja swaggered in front of her and crouched, cupping her chin in his hand. Wincing, she shifted her head back as far as she could only for him to yank her head forward.
"Master will be pleased," he murmured, making a kissy face.
"Let her go!"
A dark shape descended from the sky, its foot slamming into the ninja's cheek. Mercury gasped as his grip was forcibly removed from her cheek. The ninjas on her arms released her, collapsing onto the floor as more dark figures landed on them. Mercury bowed her head and stumbled forward, bumping into whoever had taken down the Boss Ninja.
She looked up, mouth ajar.
Her saviour... was a turtle.
A giant, humanoid turtle. Wearing a blue mask with tails that wafted in a non-existent breeze. He grinned at her with pearly white teeth that sparkled. Actually, everything about him sparkled. Even the blood on his katana and the wound in the Boss Ninja's stomach.
Mercury's mouth opened and closed a few times before widening for a scream. The turtle lifted her into his arms and cradled her like she was a baby. Mercury's scream got lost in the lump in her throat.
"Hello," he said in a deep, suave voice. Ninjas screeched as the turtle's friends massacred them. "Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you."
This didn't make her feel all that much better. "You... You can put me down now."
The turtle shook his head. "You are injured. You need help."
"They didn't hurt me." She didn't counter the second point. That part was true. She'd definitely need to look into getting a therapist.
"Don't worry, you won't burden us. Come, brothers!" At this, the others stopped killing the ninjas and walked over. They all had different coloured masks. How sweet. Red. Orange. Purple. A complete set. Mercury wondered whether everything they owned was their colour. "We have to take her home."
"ARE YEH MAD?" went the red-masked turtle. "SHE AIN'T LIKE US. DAD WILL GIT CROSS."
"Pizza!" went the orange-masked turtle.
"At my computation," went the purple-masked turtle, "she will relinquish life if she isn't prescribed interior three hours."
"Wait." Mercury furrowed her brow. "What?"
"We can't take that risk," the blue-masked turtle said. "Let's take her home."
TMNTNMT
They were in a high-tech room with lots of computers and televisions and buttons and training equipment and writing-for-dummy books. Oh, and pizza. Lots of pizza. It was nicer than her house. Did they pay rent? Electricity bills? Did they have a TV licence? Was this even legal? Where was she?
"Hold on. How'd we end up here?" asked Mercury. "You just said 'let's take me home' and we appeared here." One moment the creepy turtle had been holding her, the next she was lying on a sofa. A comfortable sofa, but still. She tried to remember when the shift in location occurred but it only made her brain hurt.
"The concussion persists erroneouser than I perceived," said the purple-masked turtle, writing on a clipboard. He adjusted his glasses with the back of his right hand. How did his glasses stay on his face? He didn't have any ears.
She decided not to care anymore. It wasn't like anything leading up to now made any more sense.
Mercury sat up. "I'm fine. Really. Thanks for saving me back there."
"What's your name?" asked the blue-masked turtle.
She considered. They had saved her life... at least for now. She owed them that much. "Mercury."
"I'm Leonardo," said the blue-masked turtle. He still sparkled. "This is Raphael." He gestured towards the red-masked turtle brooding in the corner. "This is Donatello." He gestured towards the purple-masked turtle fiddling with the medical equipment next to her. Mercury realised she had tubes attached to her arms. "This is Michela-"
"What are these?" She pointed to one of the tubes.
"Life support." Leonardo flicked his head back and sparkled more. His eyes half-closed. "You almost died."
"I had three hours to live according to you." Well. She thought. Donatello was hard to understand.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT!" Raphael screamed, veins popping on his head. A nearby pot of flowers set alight. "SHE 'AS GO' TA GO. SHE AIN'T ONE O' US! SHE MUS' GO!"
"Raph!" Leonardo glowered. "The Foot are after her and her parents were murdered! She has nowhere to go. It's our duty to protect her."
"My parents are what?" Mercury's breathing hitched.
Leonardo grabbed her hands and squeezed them, looking her dead in the eye. "I'm sorry... while you were delirious, we followed the ninjas to your house. Your parents told us to tell you they were sorry and that they still expect you to attend school and become a doctor." He reached into his shell and pulled out her father's glasses. "I took these to prove that we aren't pulling some kind of sick joke."
"I purloined his wallet," said Don.
"Pizza!" went Mikey.
Mercury stared.
"I'm so sorry." Leo's eyes filled with tears.
"My parents are what?" screamed Mercury.
"Don, her amnesia is spreading!" screamed Leonardo.
Don pressed some buttons on the medical equipment. Mercury ripped the tubes off and rolled off the sofa, dizzy. Then she passed out.
TMNTNMT
Mercury floated in a void. She huffed. Whatever. At least she wasn't with those aliens. They had to be aliens. They were green. Had high-tech equipment. No people skills. Definitely aliens.
"Hello?" she called. Blue letters spelling the word 'hello' escaped her mouth and swam away. She covered her mouth. Biting her lip, Mercury removed her hands and surveyed the area. Nothing else had any colour. Not black. Not white. It was a colour that didn't exist and she couldn't see but was somehow there. Mercury had no idea why she knew that but she did.
She jogged on the spot and started to move forward. Well, she assumed she was moving forward. Her surroundings did nothing to indicate she was traveling. Still. Little point in doing nothing. She didn't fancy waiting for those aliens to return.
Maybe the aliens had drugged her. Maybe the aliens were part of the drug. Maybe someone had spiked her drink at ballet and it took effect on the way home. That would explain the ninjas.
"Mercury..."
Red letters spelling her name rocketed towards her. Mercury swung her body back but the letters caught up with her. They wrapped around her, pinning her arms to her sides. Too busy wiggling, she didn't notice the woman drifting towards her.
"My child..."
More letters encased her. Mercury directed her attention from the words to the person in front of her. It was a woman with tinted blue skin, flowing green hair that reached her elbows and the dorkiest pointed ears Mercury had ever seen. And she had attended a cosplay convention.
The woman reached towards her only for her fingertips to pixelate before vaporizing. The sensation spread through the rest of her body. As she disappeared, another person became visible from behind her. A samurai with two blades on his left hand, with said blades positioned where the woman's heart had been.
Mercury gulped. The samurai's eyes glinted. Red. Just like the Boss Ninja's.
"Your time will come," said the samurai. Black, jagged words crashed against her body, melting and spreading and consuming her. Mercury screamed.
She woke up. She was on the sofa again, a blanket draped over her. The silence refreshed her. Judging by the lack of lighting and noise, everyone else must have retreated to their beds.
Perfect. That would make escaping a lot easier. Then she could adapt the previous events into a story. It wasn't porn based off a badly written romance based off a woman's wet dream, but it would do. If she couldn't publish it, she could show it to her therapist. But first she had to get out of there.
Rubbing the back of her head, Mercury started to sit up.
"Rest." Leonardo pushed her back down. She winced. Of course. He would be there, wouldn't he?
"What happened?"
"Don miscalculated the dosage and you almost died. Your throat got clogged up but I... I managed to save you. By..." He blushed. "By breathing into your mouth."
"He almost killed me?" Mercury tried to sit up again but Leo pushed her back down. She licked her lips. Then the inside of her mouth. Pizza. "Ew! Pervert! Let me go!"
"The Foot want you for whatever reason and you're injured," Leo said. "Rest. Please. I'll lie on you if I have to. Anything to keep you from harm."
"They killed my parents and you want me to let you drug me and keep me hostage and violate my mouth?" Mercury hissed, eyes wet. "You better let me go before I kill you or kill myself trying."
"NO!" His cry made all the walls of the lair rattle. A car alarm went off. His fingers dug into her wrists. "I won't let you hurt yourself. It's my duty to protect you from the Foot."
"How can I calm down when you're stopping me from finding out what happened to my family?"
Leonardo released her. "Your bravery has inspired me to develop and slash or devolve my character. I will allow you to investigate your parents' demise... only if you let me come with you. As a bodyguard. Not as a d-date or anything."
"Uh. Okay." Mercury's chances were better this way. Besides, having someone who knew what was going on made her feel better. Even if he was creepy and sparkly. "Can I take these tubes off?"
Leo unplugged them. They left red dots all up her arms. No matter. She stood up. He linked his arm through hers and led her towards the lair's door. Mercury scrunched up her nose and yanked her arm away. She walked behind him and followed the sound of his footsteps.
The lights turned on. Mercury squinted and looked around. By the door was Raph.
"Raph!" said Leo. "Why are you by the door?"
"I KNOW W'AT YEH UP TA!" Raph sneered. "YEH WAN' TA GIT IN 'ER LIFE AN' DO STUFF. LOOK, WE DUN CARE 'BOUT ANYONE'S PROBLEMS BUT OUR OWWWWN. YEH CAN'T GO. GRR RAZZLE NINCOMPOOP."
"Raph, stop being uncharacteristically responsible." Leo placed his hands onto his hips. "Go punch the punching bag or watch wrestling or physically and mentally abuse Mikey or whatever else you do. Mercury and I have to do this."
"Maybe they should come, your brothers," said Mercury. "Four is better than one."
"My sons." Out of the shadows emerged a rat that looked more like a dog than a rat. "Adversity makes strange bedfellows."
"He's your dad?" Mercury blinked. How did a rat make a turtle? What was their mother? Did the rat produce them by himself? Did he lay eggs? How did aliens work?
Leo and Raph nodded.
"But he's a rat... is he... like, your adopted father?"
"I am," said the dog-rat wearing a robe.
"What?" screamed Mikey as he stepped out of another shadow. "YOU'RE NOT OUR REAL DAD?"
"Leonardo, your friend has caused us too much trouble! Big fish eat little fish," the dog-rat said as snot and tears merged on Mikey's face. "You must take her away." The lights went off and Splinter held a candle beneath his chin. "Forever." The lights went back on and his droopy beard caught fire. He ignored it.
"No!" Leo held up his hand and turned his head away. "Inspired by Mercury's actions, I will run away and go with her."
He grabbed Mercury's wrist and rushed out of the lair with her. Raph stepped forward but the dog-rat placed a hand onto his shoulder and shook his head.
"Raphael, you must allow your brother and Mercury to do this alone. It may be foolhardy and could kill them, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
Raph nodded. He turned around. "Hey, Don! Have you driven Mikey to suicide today?"
"Not today."
Raph cracked his knuckles.
TMNTNMT
Mercury found herself on a roof with Leo. They had walked through the sewers (which smelt like flowers) before climbing up a manhole leading into an alley. All that had been left for them to do was for Leo to pick her up and jump onto the top of a building, something that Leo had found confusing. He even left without her, having to drop back down to collect her once he realised she wasn't going to go after him. Mercury considered running away, but thought Leo or the ninjas would find her again sooner or later. Might as well get this all over and done with.
"I can't believe you're unable to jump such a small distance," Leo remarked as she climbed out of his arms.
Mercury gawped. "Excuse me? I'm still trying to figure out how it's humanly possible to scale the length of a building in one movement."
"Because I'm a ninja," explained Leo.
Mercury opened and shut her mouth. "Whatever." Her gaze swept over the horizon. "How are we going to find these... Foot, I think you said."
"They'll come," said Leo. He narrowed his eyes. "They always come." His face brightened and he rested his arms on the chimney. "So. Mercury. Nice weather, right?"
She looked up. Night. "I guess so?"
"What were you doing before the Foot came to you?"
Mercury cupped her elbow with the hand on her other arm. "I... was coming home from ballet class. I misplaced my purse so had to walk home."
"Misplaced your purse?"
She frowned. Strange thing to pick up on. "Well... I think someone in my class took it. I don't know. They don't like me that much."
"Why?" He seemed genuinely interested. Something Mercury wasn't used to.
She frowned more. "Wish I could give you a good answer. They're jealous of me... I suppose. I mean, I do all these extra-curricular activities and studying. It's stupid because all they're being jealous of is the hard work I put into what I do that they don't. It's nothing beyond their abilities."
"No." Leo touched her arm. "You are better than them. I knew from the moment I first saw you, you were different. Special. Superior."
"Thanks."
"Also I love y-"
Thousands of Foot ninjas fell from the sky. Only a small percentage of them landed on the roof. The rest landed around the building and down the street. Leo drew his katana. Mercury hid behind him.
"Aha!" came a female voice. The ninjas made a gap for the owner's voice to walk through. If Mercury hadn't heard her voice, she would have thought it was a man in drag. Cheap wig. Botoxed lips. The woman smirked, thrusting her hips as she swaggered. "I knew you would come out to try to avenge Mercury's parents."
"Seriously," said Mercury, "am I internet famous or something? How do you know me?"
The woman's thick drawn on eyebrows rose. "You do not know of your destiny, child?"
"No."
"You will find out soon, once you have been delivered to my father. Foot ninja, destroy them!"
The Boss Ninja raised a finger. "Don't we need them alive?"
"Oh yes." The woman farted. "My mistake. Destroy them gently."
"Karai!" shouted Leo. "Your father has tainted you too much. Why don't you stand up to him for once in your life?"
"SILENCE!" screeched Karai. "You will never understand my ANGST."
Leo ran at her, waving his katana around. Karai clicked her fingers and several Boss Ninjas got in the way and pummeled him to the ground. Mercury raised her hands to her mouth.
They retreated from Leo's unconscious body before turning to her, weapons raised.
Mercury held up her hands. "Just take me."
TMNTNMT
Would life have been different if she hadn't lost her purse? If she hadn't gone to ballet that day? If she had decided to take up horseriding instead?
Mercury reevaluated her life as she hung against a wall, limbs chained to it. Leo was next to her, fuming. She rather enjoyed the period of time in which she had been awake and he knocked out. He didn't stare at her, whine about how all of this was his fault, and reaffirm how he and Karai hated each other and would never consider dating. All answers to questions she never asked. Why couldn't whoever captured them just deal with them instead of leaving her to die of frustration? Was this how they planned on killing her?
"Are you all right?" he asked for the twentieth time since she started counting.
"I've been better." Mercury sighed.
The door opposite them creaked. Finally. Salvation.
The man from her dream strode in. Mercury glowered. Of all the people...
"Mercury," the samurai simpered. "Long time no see."
"I saw you in a dream," she replied. "It's not really like we've met each other before."
Leo almost fainted from shock.
The samurai chuckled. "Ah, but you see, Stockman created a device that would allow me to enter your subconscious."
"... What?"
"Yes." He nodded. "But we met... before. You were only a baby then, so you won't remember. But let me remind you. Your parents were refugees from another universe. Ex-royalty. They left you at an orphanage, for they couldn't look after you as they were criminals guilty of a crime I committed, where you were adopted by me. I tracked down your parents and killed them, before letting my scientists experiment on you. Then you escaped, hit your head, and were taken in by who you thought were your real parents."
"That's... stupid."
"You hold great power," said the samurai. "You were born and trained to kill by my side, Mercury. Face your destiny and the world will be ours."
"No!" screamed Leo. "Mercury, that man is the Shredder! What you were born does not make who you can be! You make that."
"Dude," said Mercury. "I'm not going to join him."
The Shredder's mouth twisted into a smile... or was it a frown? Or both? A frile. Maybe a smown. "You have given me no other choice. I will torture loyalty into you, like I did with Karai. I'll even use the same paddle." He whipped out a paddle. It was on fire.
Mercury wondered whether she should change her mind before he harmed her. Leo's family probably weren't going to rescue them. None of them seemed competent. And hey, ruling the world wouldn't be too bad. She could kill her classmates. Yeah. And she wouldn't have to get a job so she could pay for things. She could just kill the shop owner. Actually, co-ruling the world sounded pretty awesome. Maybe she would be able to choose a new name. The Grater. Or the Chopper.
"And as this gives me... pleasure, I want a full view of this." The Shredder's stomach opened up to reveal a scarred red jellyfish thing. "You will get used to it, Mercury. My past wives always complimented me on my tentacle use."
Mercury screamed. "Oh Hell no." Was everyone an alien now? Seriously? Aliens or drag queens.
"Punish me first," said Leo. "I can't bear to watch Mercury suffer."
She almost liked him now. "That's very noble of you and I won't forget you in the however many hours it is before I die."
The wall behind the Shredder exploded. Leo's brothers walked out of the dust. The Shredder widened his eyes and said, "But now?"
"AH WERS WRON', LEO!" howled Raph, mascara running down his cheeks. "AH TRIED TA DO WOT YEH SED BUT AH BROKE EVERYTHIN' AND AH THINK DERE'S SUMTHIN' WRON' WIT' MIKEY!"
Mikey's mask was black and he was listening to Evanescence on headphones. He nodded at Mercury, staring at her with thickly outlined eyes.
"MASTAH SPLINTAH SED TA COME BE A DEUX EX MACHINA SO 'ERE WE ARE! LET'S KICK SUM SHELL!"
"You turtles have been a thorn in my side long enough!" announced the Shredder. He stabbed Leo with his clawed fist.
Raph got out his sai and chopped the Shredder's head off. The Shredder collapsed.
"His real body is in his chest though," said Mercury.
Raph ran forward and unchained them. He sobbed as he held Leo's limp body. "LEO! AH... AH NEVAH MEANT DIS TA HAPPEN! AH WAS JEALOUS DAT MERCURY LOVED YEH MORE DAN ME."
"Huh?" went Mercury.
"AN' AH WAS JEALOUS 'COS YEH BETTER DAN ME IN EVE'Y WAY!" Raph wailed. "AND NOW YEH DEAD."
"These scars won't heal," went Mikey. "Life is the longest yet it's too short. That girl's so hot but she belongest to my brother. I will be forever without a lover."
Mercury knelt beside Raph and stroked Leo's head. She was going to miss him.
Just then, her hand glowed and the Shredder's gauntlet popped out of Leo's chest. He opened his eyes.
"These is illegitimate," said Don.
"This is love," corrected Leo, tears in his eyes. He held Mercury's hand against his forehead. "Your love attracted my love and brought me back to life. Mercury... Thank you."
"My love?" she repeated. "Like an opposites attract thing? Because I don't like you all that much. No offence."
"I love you," said Leo. "Anata ga suki, Mercury-chan."
Mercury shivered. "I'm... flattered, and I certainly prefer you over whatever that guy was," she jerked her thumb towards the Shredder, "but I think we should just stay friends."
Leo shook his head. "That can't happen."
"Why not?"
"The story can't end until we are together," he explained.
"What story?"
"This story?"
"What story?"
Leo fidgeted. "Fourth wall jokes have their time and place but seriously. Mercury. You need to say 'I love you' so you can live in the sewers with us, go on adventures, risk your life and then have sex with me so we can have hybrid children."
"What? I'm fifteen. I don't want to do any of that. And I wouldn't even if I was older." Mercury stood up and backed away. "I just want to go ho-" She realised she didn't have a home anymore. "Go. Okay? I just want to go."
"Mercury, stop ruining this fic and say I love you."
Mercury sighed. "Fine. I love you."
TMNTNMT
So Mercury returned to the lair with the turtles. She and Leo got married in the sewer. All of Leo's family and friends came. They went out daily, killed bad guys, and later had three children. Mercury did all the cleaning and cooking and she cured Mikey of his depression and found Don a boyfriend and made Raph less angry.
The end.