Authors Notes: Blame this on me re-watching Grace and totally getting Jack in that episode
Spoilers- Grace and up to season Ten
Pairing Sam/Jack
Disclaimer- Not mine just borrowing they belong to MGM and SCIFI but a girl can wish right?
The choice
Teal'c was right I couldn't stand it when Carter was missing it was like a piece of my heart was gone God it hurts so bad and I just want to take her and make love to her and never let her go but I know that now is not the right time for us. Sam Carter has wormed her way into my heart and I know she is there to stay. I meant it when I said I would rather die than lose her but I also know Sam doesn't feel the way about me. She cares for me and is attracted to me but she doesn't love me.
It's not her fault, in some ways her messed up childhood is to blame and in others I'm sure Jonas didn't help. I know what I have to do in order to make it work between us I'm just not sure I am strong enough to do it. I have to let her experience an adult relationship where she is loved and she loves back it is the only way. If we get together now we would have some great times but it wouldn't last. She has to be able to love me back and receive love in return, right now she can't. I keep telling her to get a life but I doubt she realizes my motivation.
I have to let her go so she will hopefully come back to me stronger and able to love. Right now she doesn't see herself as deserving anyone's love. Everyone she's ever loved hurt her in some way. Jacob, by leaving her alone to cope with her mother's death, Mark, by not accepting her choice of careers and the big one, Jonas by controlling her and hurting her physically as well as emotionally, all the men in her life hurt her and didn't love her unconditionally. I doubt a shrink could help her learn to love again and receive love but I know she needs that and she wouldn't accept it from me. So I am going to do the only thing I can do I am going to let her go.
I am sitting here watching her sleep and hoping that her head injury didn't damage any of her wonderful brain. I want to tell her how much I still care and that I will always be there for her but I can't. So I settle for brushing the side of her hand and gently brushing away some of the tiny hairs that are cascading over her brow.
She awakens even with my gentle touch so I quickly step away not wanting her to see the love that I know is reflecting in my eyes. I try my best to school my expression but the joy of seeing her awake betrays me.
"Jaack,"
Oh God oh God oh God she said my name, years of waiting and hoping and she says my name. Now is not the time I remind myself. It would be so easy to just wrap my arms around her tell her I will retire so we can be together and wait for her response. But my heart tells me it won't be easy but hopefully it will be worth what I am now going to do.
"Excuse me", I say cringing to myself that I sound like the biggest jerk on the planet.
Sam is confused for a second but soon pops out her standard, sorry, Sir
Not wanting her to feel embarrassed I reply,
"Well a head injury will tend to disorient one"
So, not what I really wanted to say to her though. My heart would have said I'm so glad you're okay and never leave me again. I love you I want you I want to grow old together. Have I mentioned my heart is sappy lately?
She is more awake now and trying to thank me.
"For what exactly I wonder but instead say, "Think nothing of it"
"A real conversationalist aren't I"?
I mention that we are planning a big party to welcome her back with cake and did I mention cake?"
Way to go O'Neill like she really cares about cake, I amaze myself sometimes. I don't give her a chance to tell me anything else but I wonder how she survived out there alone for three days and still managed to figure out how to get home. She is looking at me with a cat got the canary expression on her face, like she knows something I don't. I try not to get lost in her blue sapphire eyes and I look away quickly. As I leave the infirmary I shove my hands in my pocket to keep myself from touching her and turn away so she doesn't see the hurt reflected in my eyes.
In the end she ended up making the choice to let me go. Some weeks later on the elevator, she is smiling and humming. My brain tells me this is a good thing but my heart isn't so sure. I end up not being able to resist not knowing and blurt out, so "humming?"
"I am?" she says
Then I say, "You are."
Genius that I am yeah, right. Do I really want to know why she is humming?
She says, "Sorry"
I am not sure why she is always apologizing to me but anyway I decide to go for it.
"What's his name?"
"Now why would…"
Denial my name is Sam I think to myself.
I remind gently,
"Humming"
She blurts out, "Pete"
I go with my dumb act, "Pete?"
Suddenly I am not so sure I really want to know who Pete is.
"Pete Shannahan, he's a cop."
"Speeding again are we?"
Denial thy name is O'Neill as I remind myself I really do want her to experience love but now I am not so sure my heart will survive it.
"He's from Denver, a friend of my brothers" as she is avoiding looking at me
"Hmm, is she embarrassed about this?"
"Setup" I can't resist knowing the truth.
"Pathetic, I know"
Why is she always so down on herself? I decide to make her feel better about the situation.
"No, it's great"
Shewillcomeback, shewillcomeback maybe if I keep repeating to myself it will come true.
"Really?"
"Isn't it?"
I have really got to learn to control my mouth, and my heart is breaking even though I know she needs to do this I didn't think it would hurt this much I have to get out of this elevator.
"Well it's not serious or anything" she quickly replies still not making eye contact.
"And yet it is humworthy"
Jeez, am I harping or what?
"Sir…
If I never hear that word again it will be too soon if only she would call me something else anything else…
"Oh, Carter it's none of my business. I'm just happy that you're happy about something other then...quarks."
Quarks where in the hell did I get quarks from oh well it made her smile and I live for Carter smiles
"Excellent"
Dammdammdamm I didn't want excellent okay maybe, but excellent oh no, what have I done?
"A bit uncomfortable isn't it?"
I really didn't mean to say that out loud
"Yeah a bit" she replies
Somehow I doubt that she meant to say it either, thankfully the elevator finally reaches level 23 and I can get off.
"Good luck" is my final words when I really want to say nonono
As I walk to the briefing room I realize this is going to be very hard and I stubbornly wipe my sleeve quickly erasing any wetness there. It wouldn't be easy to explain.
"Yeah I am crying because my 2IC my life, finally got one of her own, I wonder how long it will be until she starts to love someone, someone other than me."