NO REGRETS
1. "Walking in London"
An invisible touch,
On the back of my neck.
Fingerprints lingering,
Warm breath.
I'm either going insane,
Or I'm a human wire.
Receiving a signal,
Desire… Desire!
"No, dammit!" she swore to the empty car, punching the steering wheel hard enough to elicit a reproachful bleep from the horn, "No! Josephina Lupo, you will not cry for him! Not again!"
She prayed, silently, that no curious passersby would wonder shy the Enforcer was parked on the road's shoulder trying to convince herself that those weren't tears running down her cheeks. Every place she went, everything she did, night or day, he was there. She couldn't escape the memory of him; of her Zane Donovan, the man she had loved.
His memory was like ghostly fingertips pressing at the back of her neck, his touch dancing in half remembered patterns while his warm breath lingered in her ear and on… other places. She could even hear his voice saying words that this callow impostor could never muster! It was like being in love with a ghost and the reflection of that ghost was still there to haunt her for her sins!
It wasn't fair!
Even here…
She gazed out the car's window at the trail head. Trail F1775, a Forest Service route that would take her to a beautiful overlook on the hills north and east of Lake Archimedes. She remembered the overlook with crystalline clarity: a place she had camped many times before, it had been partially domesticated from the wild. There was a flat area where a tent could go up, one she'd carefully picked free of rocks and debris after her third visit. There were a few logs as well, short and old, drug into position around a low ring of flat stones that housed a fire pit.
Others had found the spot since she had, but it seemed that the rampant misuse that would be characteristic of a popular location in other regions was absent in her adopted home town. Whoever they were they'd either added to the utility of the site or left it otherwise undisturbed. Everyone who visited seemed to respect it's sanctity, and there was never any detritus left behind. No cans or bottles, no waste product. As everyone lived by the mantra of "Take out what you bring in."
She'd discovered the identities of one of the campers by accident one weekend, when she'd stumbled on her Zane up here, already with a bedroll laid out to watch the night sky for himself, and a low fire burning. They'd been together then, and after the initial awkwardness they'd stayed that night there.
They hadn't looked at many stars.
She couldn't lie to herself anymore. Her shoulders began to shake and the real tears fell as she was racked by sobs. Even in today's light drizzle it still should have been a pretty spot, and a true outdoors adventurer in the Pacific Northwest is not deterred by rain. She had all she needed for a weekend excursion; tent, sleeping bag, food, fire starters, everything.
She had decided that this weekend she'd go to this special location and see if maybe she could remember what it used to be like, but the more she wished for it, the more she just wished the memories would go away. Now, they seemed custom tailored to torment her with dreams of what she could no longer have.
"Lupo, you girl!" she snarled at herself, disgusted with her own weakness. "Rangers don't cry! Crying is weak! Crying is for little ninny girls that…" she paused, choking on the next words of recrimination, barley managing to spit out the words like a curse, "That need their mommies!"
But oh she could have used her mom right now! Someone to take the pain away and tell her it would all be all right…
She got out of the car and turned her face skyward, blinking into the rain, trying to let it wash the tears from her eyes. She stared for a while at the general gray glow of the clouds hanging above. Up here they were close, not close enough to touch, but they didn't hang over your head like a vaulted ceiling. It would be night soon, but she couldn't tell the time by looking at the sky, the sun was obscured, hidden away behind a cold sky like her heart and her faith.
"Why, God?" she asked aloud when she could speak again. "Why did you do it? I loved him, I really did. Why did you take him away from me?"
No one answered. She waited for a long while to see if anyone would.
It just wasn't fair!
She had thought, a few weeks ago, that maybe she could unburden herself to Reverend Harper. But while Evelyn was a good woman and a wonderful pastor, perhaps her favorite in all the years she'd been a regular church attendee, Jo just couldn't get around the whole need for secrecy. Who could she tell her pastor that she'd lost? There were no great secrets in any small town, Eureka least of all, so anyone would know if she'd had a lover. It would only have been a matter of if they whispered about it behind her back or in front of her.
No, Reverend Harper would know that Jo had never been with anyone during her entire tenure as the minister of the First Church of Eureka, and the risk of discovery was too great. The revelation of those truths would impact everyone.
Anymore, she almost wished she could go to the authorities and out herself. "Hi, General Mansfield, I'm a time traveler and need to be sanctioned."
He'd do it too. He wasn't happy with her of late, and it would be an easy out for both of them. She'd be sanctioned and taken away, probably euthanized (because killing innocent people was wrong), and studied. Maybe even by some of the people she knew today. He would get to put the right sort of puppet back in it's proper place.
The pain would all go away, and she'd be able to say that she wasn't a coward because, after all, she wasn't the one pulling the trigger, right? It wasn't like she was committing suicide, was it?
But it wouldn't stop with her. If she went out the repercussions would be huge. They would lash back and catch Jack, Henry, Douglas and Allison. Jack and Allison were finally together and they were happy! They deserved that, she reasoned, even at the cost of her own soul-deep pain. Henry and Grace too…
And then there was Zoe. Jo still loved Zoe Carter like a little sister, and in many ways was closer to her in this timeline than she had been in the last, all except for the whole Zane thing… but the sanctioning? She'd be taking away Zoe's father and sister, and maybe even future step-mother all in one fell swoop.
A ranger always looked out for her comrades too. It was right there in the Ranger Creed. Never shall I fail my comrades. I will always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong, and morally straight and I will shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred-percent and then some.
She reflected on what a miserable failure she was at sustaining that commitment.
The tears were finally gone, only the hollow pit in her heart remained. A mile deep hole gouged out by loss, pain and duty.
She would do her duty.
She got back in the car and drove back to her empty home.
She failed to notice rider on the black motorcycle parked a few dozen yards down the road, partially hidden by a stand of foliage in a false road start. She didn't see him flip down his visor and pull out behind her and begin following, keeping the distance between them.
I've been east! I've been west!
I've been north! I've been south!
I hear your voice, I see your face,
I feel your hands, I kiss your mouth!
And I'm walking in London,
And you are watching me walk.
Talking Italian And you are hearing me talk
Singing in Sydney,
And you were sitting right there Feeling you in me,
Everywhere… Everywhere!
Disclaimer: I don't own Eureka, it's characters, or its concepts, I'm just playing for fun and an educational experience. Additionally I own no rights to the songs and lyrics of Johnette Napolitano and Concrete Blond.
Author's Notes: This is my attempt at reconciling how Jo and Zane got back together prior to my story "Way of the Gun".
"Walking in London" is on the album of the same name by Concrete Blond.
"The Beast" and "The Sky is a Poisonous Garden" are on "Bloodletting" also by Concrete Blond.
It's almost two decades after I found them and they are still one of my favorite bands!