Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law
By: DMEX
Nadda is mine, otherwise I'll be ending up being sued by the dude in the title
Ch. 1
Winnie-The-Screwed
Time: 00:30 AM Date: The Blustery Night
Place: The Hundred Acre Wood.
Pooh ends up falling asleep while protecting his hunnyful goods
*: Heffalumps and woozels! Heffalumps and woozels! Steal Hunny! Steal Hunny!
(meanwhile Police sirens blare outside Pooh's House)
Officer (on bullhorn): Winnie-The-Pooh! We have the house surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
(This wakes Pooh up. Now being a Bear-With-Very-Little-Brain he grabs his popgun and heads outside thinking it's an intruder. The Police jump him and arrest him)
Officer: You're under arrest for stealing hunny! You have the right to remain silent-
The cops cuff him and send him to jail
(Harvey Birdman main opening)
-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-
Harvey is working at one of his recent cases.
Harvey: Avenger, can you hand me the Ghost Rider v. The City of Townsville case file?
Avenger just squawks
Phil Ken Sebben: Heads up, Harvey! We're going on vacation! Everyone here is but you.
Harvey: Then where are you going?
Sebben: To the Nintendo World Convention! Me and the boys are gonna be chomping on 1-Up Mushrooms and scoring chicks from the Mushroom Kingdom or Hyrule.
Harvey (angry): AND I WASN'T INVITED!
Peanut (while chewing a 1-Up Mushroom): You have a client anyway…
(1-Up sound is heard after Peanut swallows it)
Harvey: So who's my client?
(little pitter-patter sounds are heard. It is Piglet)
Piglet: P-p-p-p-please Mr. Birdman, help my friend.
Harvey: So who's your friend?
Piglet: Pooh. He was arrested last night!
Harvey: Really? So what could a bear-with-very-little-brain do?
Piglet: Stealing hunny from The Hunny Tree…
Harvey: THAT'S TERRIBLE! HOW IS A POOH BEAR SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE IN THE WILD IF HE DOESN'T HAVE HUNNY! I'LL TAKE THE CASE!
(Prison, Block A Cell 1)
Piglet: Pooh!
Pooh: Piglet! What are you doing here?
Piglet: Mr. Birdman is going to get you outta here.
Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you in court.
Pooh: The police took all my hunny jars and now I have a rumbly in my tumbly.
Harvey: Nurse! Get this Pooh Bear some hunny before he kills over!
-100 Acre Wood-
Harvey: Tiger, did you know Winnie-The-Pooh was arrested last night?
Tiger: Who, Pooh Bear? Nah, he can't be aflested and demained…
Harvey: The term is arrested and detained.
Tiger: That's what I said. Aflested and demained.
-100 Acre Wood, Rabbit's Howse-
Harvey: Rabbit, did you happen to know something unusual, regarding a certain bear?
Rabbit: Pooh? No, not really. He stopped by for lunch as always. Maybe Owl will know something.
-100 Acre Wood, Owl's Howze-
Harvey: Owl, do you know something about The Hunny Tree?
Owl: Why, yes I do. Every bear who has ever tried to get to The Hunny Tree has been arrested.
Harvey: Arrested?
Owl: Bears want the hunny out of there because the hunny in it is the perfect taste and sweetness to satisfy even the hungriest bears.
-Court, The day of the Trial-
Judge: The Queen of Hearts Bailiff: The White Rabbit
Prosecution: Yosemite Sam Defense: Harvey Birdman
(White Rabbit plays fanfare)
White Rabbit: All rise. Court is now in session. The Queen of Hearts is presiding.
Queen of Hearts comes in and everyone rises (for fear she chop their heads off)
QOH: You may be seated. Mr. Sam you're opening arguments.
Yosemite Sam: Thank you Yer Honor. This is Winnie-The-Pooh, the roughest, toughest, meeeeeaaanist bear you'll ever meet. He's a hunny stealing varmint that needs to be locked up in a zoo! And if you set him free, you'll be letting bears all over do the same!
Harvey: Friends, Humane Officers and Gamers-
(glares at Yugi Muto. He is in the Jury)
Harvey: -Who are we to arrest Pooh? How is a Pooh Bear supposed to survive in the wild if Pooh Bears don't eat hunny? That is for you the Jury to correct this mistake and allow Pooh to continue to have hunny!
QOH (sarcastic): That's quite touching, Mr. Birdman…
Harvey: Why thank you-
QOH (angry, banging her heart shaped gavel): THAT WAS SARCASIM YOU FOOL!
-Court-
Harvey: I call Eeyore to the stand!
(Eeyore is at the stand)
Harvey: Please tell the court in your own words what you were doing on the night my client was arrested.
Eeyore (gloomy): I'll tell ya; not that it matters anyway…
QOH (banging her gavel): IT BETTER MATTER, OR IT'LL BE OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
Harvey: Objection, Your Honor! You can't threaten the witness!
QOH: I can and I will!
Yosemite Sam: I call Tiger to the stand!
(Tiger is at the stand)
Yosemite Sam: Who are you?
Tiger: I'm Tiger! T-I-Double GA-ER; that's spells Tiger!
Yosemite Sam: And what do Tigers do best?
Tiger: They bounce. (Crowd and jury gasps)
Harvey: Objection! Tiger: What he says! You can't aflest and demain me for that! Tigers have rights too, ya know!
QOH (angry): OVERRULED!
Harvey: I call Banjo to the stand! (Banjo is at the stand. He's wearing an orange jumpsuit)
Harvey: Mr. uhh…
Banjo: Banjo.
Harvey: Suck at that instrument… You were arrested for stealing Hunny from the Hunny Tree?
Banjo: There was a Jiggy up there. I got Hunny for a hungry bear and the next thing I know, I'm being cuffed and my adventure ended with me and Kazooie being put in jail.
QOH: Court is in recess until tomorrow morning! (bangs her gavel)
-Moe's Tavern-
Pooh: Will you say good-bye to Pooh…
Moe: Don't you dare give up on that Pooh Bear! You give up on him, you'll be signing a death sentence to bears everywhere!
Harvey: What can I do? I got Queen of Hearts as the Judge and she's as ruthless as any other judge out there.
Moe: Would a hunny beer make you feel better?
(Hunny keeps buzzing in Harvey's skull. Harvey has a very bad vision of the future of hunny freedom for bears until something catches on to him.)
Harvey: You're absolutely right! Moe, 2 of your biggest jars of Hunny you got!
(Ric Flair's music plays in the background as Harvey sticks his hand in the Hunny pot and eats the hunny)
Harvey: Mmm! Sweet Hunny.
-Court, next day-
QOH: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Yugi (from jury): We have, Your Honor.
Harvey: Hold on, Your Honor!
QOH (angry, banging her gavel): MR. BIRDMAN; YOU BETTER HAVE A GODDAMNED EXCUSE FOR THIS!
Harvey: We do Your Honor! As you can see in this evidence bag, there are several shell casings. These casings come from Colt .45 guns. THE SAME COLT .45 GUNS THAT YOSEMITE SAM HAS ON HIS PERSON!
QOH (furious, slamming her gavel): MR. SAM! THERE BETTER BE A DAMNED GOOD REASON FOR THIS!
(Yosemite Sam grins sheepishly, Looney Tunes ironic music is heard)
QOH: GUARDS! TAKE SAM AND OFF WITH HIS HEAD! As for you Winnie-The-Pooh you are ordered to 7 weeks rehab for your Hunny Addiction! COURT ADJOURNED!
-Sebben & Sebben Law Offices-
Harvey: Well, we won but didn't get the result we wanted.
(women giggling. Peanut comes in with Peach and Zelda)
Peanut: Hey, HB! We're back.
Harvey: Is one for me?
Peanut: No.
(Pooh comes in with a pot of hunny stuck on his head)
Pooh: Oh bother…
(Everyone starts laughing)
Harvey: Silly old bear.
(Harvey Birdman Credits)
To be continued…!