I love watching him sleep. He just looks so peaceful, so calm and so
oblivious to the world around him. He slowly opened his eyes, and his gaze
met mine.
"Good morning, sunshine!" I said, and bent down to kiss him on the forehead. "You were talking in your sleep again," I continued playfully.
"I was not!" he replied, with a touch of indignity.
"You were too," I continued teasing him, "You mapped out that whole bypass you're performing today!"
"And did I get anything wrong?" he said, putting his arms around me.
"Of course not! They don't call you the best at Holby for nothing." His smile dropped. Shit. The court case. "Alex, I'm sorry, I totally..."
"It's alright. It'll be over now later anyway. Thanks for this Sam, I really appreciate this." How can I tell him? His eyes look so loving, so affectionate. Come on, Samantha, pull yourself together. He loves you and you love him. He's a safe driver, it's not going to make any difference what you did. I smiled back.
"That's fine. And you need to get up so you can perform that bypass that you mapped out so perfectly! Coffee? Black if I remember?"
He rolled over again, this time taking me with him and tickled me vigorously. I couldn't stop laughing but eventually we both calmed down. My hair was a mess, and he pushed it behind my ears and whispered "You are so beautiful. Lets take the day off."
I laughed, "Are you sure people wouldn't get suspicious? You know what Meyer's like, come on!"
"I can't help it. I have the choice of going into work, a court case and a tricky operation or staying in bed with my beautiful girlfriend. What would you choose?"
"I would definitely rather stay in bed with my beautiful girlfriend any day!" I kissed him on the nose, jumped out of bed and got dressed. He followed my lead and did the same.
*****
"OK Sarah, this is Dr. Kennedy and she'll be performing some tests on you."
"Thanks, Sandy, I can take it from here." I said and smiled.
"OK, Sam, but if you need anything?" Sandy said and left, pulling the curtains round as she went.
There she was in front of me, another young life that would be cut short. This girl could've made something of her life but no, she was in some stuffy hotel ward with people who she's never met who have the choice of whether she lives or dies.
"Sam, sorry to interrupt but we just had Dr. Taylor on the phone. I think Sarah's blood tests have come back."
"Thank Sandy" I got up to leave, but whispered to the young girl, who can't have been much older than 19, "I'll be back in a couple of hours, Sarah." And then so quiet that no one would have heard, "Hang in there."
On the way down to see Janice, I met Chrissie.
"Well well well, Sam Kennedy."
"Hello, Chrissie" I said, in a far more civil tone than hers.
"Have you told him yet?" I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and had regretted telling Chrissie from the start.
"No, not yet Chrissie. To be honest, I don't know whether I can. Things are getting worse for him, and I'm the only one on his side. I can't do that to him." I said this insecurely, as I wasn't sure that she was the best one to be talking to. Chrissie Williams hardly knows about "honesty".
"Well if you need a friend, Sam" Chrissie gave me a patronising smile.
"Yes, Chrissie, I'll come to you."
"Oh and by the way, don't go down to see Janice quite yet. I think she's talking to Alex.
****
"Dr. Adams, how are things?" said Janice, smiling at Alex.
"Not bad, thanks. Although I'm starting to feel the pressure of this case." he replied, nervously, "Anyway, how are things with you?"
"Oh very well. The pregnancy's coming along as well as could be expected..."
"...and Alistair?"
"Oh don't even mention him," There was a sinister tone to her voice. "The pregnancy's fine, the baby's fine and your court case will be fine. Oh and Alex, I notice an aspiring romance between yourself and Dr. Kennedy?" Janice smiled, and gave a knowing wink.
"Yes, couldn't be better really. In fact, I think I might propose later. I have a ring and everything."
"Alex, are you sure now's a good time with the case and everything?" Janice said, sounding concerned.
"No time like the present, doctor, and if she says yes it'll just make things better. I know it sounds stupid but ever since that first night we spent together, all it was was a one night stand but then she was here, at Holby, and it was just so perfect. Every moment I spend in her company I want to spend a moment more. I want to spend the rest of my life with that woman, and now I know that I do I want the rest of my life to begin as soon as possible. She's just so perfect, she's funny and smart and beautiful and...do you mind me telling you all this?"
"Oh no, Alex, it's quite alright! Do carry on..." Janice seemed quite amused but Alex continued..."She's just the person I'm meant to be with. I feel it, I've never felt it before. I've never used the word love in my relationships with other people but now I know that if you love someone you should say it. I know it seems soon, but I know that I love her."
"Well if you're sure that's the best thing to do, I know you'll both be happy. Now I've got a meeting with the lady herself, so maybe you should make yourself and your fancy new proposal scarce," said Janice, and opened the door for Alex.
****
"Hey baby" I said, as I passed Alex on the way to Janice's office.
"God I've missed you! How about lunch later?" Oh my god he's just so perfect!!!
"Yes, I suppose so. I'm starving, we forgot about dinner last night!" I said, only just realising that we had.
"We had better and more fun things to do..." Alex winked and put his arms around me.
"Alex Adams, you're sick!" I replied and kissed his neck.
"I need to talk with you about something later. It's important, so don't let me forget." Shit, he knows. Chrissie's told him, that stupid cow. How dare she? I would've told him, I would've done and now he hates me. He must have seen my face drop,
"Hey baby, don't worry, you're not in trouble. Far from it, God I love you." At this point we were rudely interrupted by his pager. He read it, sighed and said, "Duty calls. Lunch at 12.30?" He ran off and blew me a kiss. "That's fine," I whispered, as I stood by myself.
****
12.30, shit, I'm late to meet Alex. God, I don't need this. Here comes trouble.
"Chrissie, hi!" I said, which was code for 'Go away'
"Hey, have you told him yet?" I wish she'd stop asking that, I'll tell her when I do.
"No, not yet, I will. But how do you go about telling your boyfriend that he's facing the end of his medical career due to you? I got him drunk, I killed that boy. I shouldn't have ordered a double."
Alex was right behind me. He had probably come to find me for lunch. He had heard everything I'd said. He turned and ran through the door. "Alex!" I cried, "Alex, wait!" He stopped and turned around. I could see the shock on his face. I knew it was beyond tears. "Alex, please..."
"Sam, what did you just say? Is that true? Tell me it's not true. TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!"
"I was going to tell you, Alex, I promise" What had I done? WHAT HAD I DONE?!
"When? After my medical career's been destroyed and I'm in some prison cell? Do you realise what this means?" He looked at me with cold eyes, the warmth and love in them had turned to shock.
"Alex, I'm sorry." He walked away.
"I don't have to listen to this."
"ALEX!" He kept walking.
"ALEX, I LOVE YOU!" He turned around and said, in a calm voice.
"That used to mean something, Sam. That used to mean something."
Then he turned around and walked through the doors. I could feel the tears on my cheek. I'd done it again. I'd screwed up a relationship with the only guy I'd ever loved. I kept doing this, I got myself happiness and then I threw it away. Who was to blame but me? I should have told him and now he's never going to speak to me again. I love him so much.
****
I couldn't sleep last night. The sheets smell of Alex. I wasn't there for his court case, god knows what happened. Everyone will know, Mr. Meyer will want to speak to me. I love him so much it makes me cry. I want to tell him how much he means to me, how sorry I am, but I don't know what to say, where to start. He'd probably just turn away. I've ruined it all. I don't feel like working today, but I've got no choice. People will talk more if I don't. It's behind me. But everything I hear, everything I see reminds me of him. It's pathetic, isn't it? I woke up and switched on the radio and it was some love song playing. Then I saw his half-drunk black coffee on the kitchen table. He hadn't had time to finish it yesterday. He's the only person I know who drinks black coffee. I got dressed and got ready for work and subconsciously put on his favourite perfume, favourite lip gloss. I was angry with myself for doing so and just rubbed my lips down with a tissue. I put on another lip gloss and I looked wrong. I just feel lost. I feel like he should be here, and he's not. And I know it's my fault and I've gone and jeopardised something else. It's something else I've ruined. I guess this is what they call the end.
***
"Have fun last night, Sam?" Chrissie gave a welcoming smile. Sandy was quiet, and looked at me cautiously, expecting me to break into tears.
"Yes, thank you" I replied, in the same tone as her.
"Oh, Alex" Sandy saw that he'd appeared behind her, "How was your court case?" I turned around. I didn't want to hear, or see him.
"Fine thanks, Sandy. I had a good solicitor. Someone who I can really trust. Verdict's later today." With this he turned to look at me, and again his eyes were filled with disappointment, confusion. He then turned away again quickly, and walked away.
"Alex, wait..." I tried chasing after him, but it didn't work.
"I've got nothing to say to you, Dr. Kennedy" His voice was cold, as if he hardly knew me.
"Just, please, Alex, hear me out. I wanted to tell you..." I really did want to tell him, but he wouldn't believe me now.
"You've done enough damage Sam. And you know the ironic thing? I was going to propose to you later. Yes, that's right. I was going to ask you to marry me, and I've no doubt that you would have said yes. But I'm glad I didn't. Oh I love you, of course I do, but that would've made me marry a liar, and I don't want to be associated with someone like that for the rest of my life." His eyes looked more hurt than anything now.
"Alex, I...." I tried again, pleading with him.
"It's over, Sam. You blew it" He walked along and didn't look back, only stopping to have a word with Danny.
****
11.54pm. He's probably found out the verdict. I wish to god I could have been there, but no, I'm doing a late shift. I can barely keep my eyes open. I can hear murmurs in the other room, "Good news about Alex, shame about him and Sam though." I couldn't recognise the voice.
I walked into the room, "If you've got anything to say to me, please say it to my face...oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Taylor, I thought you were someone else. I'm sorry, it's all these late nights, I'm starting to feel them. How did Alex's case go?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know, but she had said 'Good news about Alex'.
"Oh fine, they're letting him off. He's got a fine to pay, but he's allowed to continue work as normal. You'll be pleased about that." A single tear trickled down my cheek, "Hey, Sam! Calm down. It'll be ok, you love each other and that means more than anything. Go and find him now. I think he's outside."
****
He was sitting on a bench, alone, with a cigarette in his hand which had been dampened by the rain. It was dark, and all I could make out was his outline. I came and sat down besides him. Neither of us said anything for a long time until I said, jokingly, "You don't smoke!".
"I never needed to before," he replied, turning to look at me, "I had you."
"And you still do, Alex. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you but I know that I love you and I was so happy with the way things were I didn't want to do anything to sabotage that, but I guess I did anyway. I can't expect you to forgive me, but believe me when I say how much I love..." He put his finger on my lips. "Sshhh" he whispered, "I love you too."
"Then why all this?" I sat upright, now confused.
"I was hurt, Sam, I was hurt that someone I loved so much could do something to hurt me."
"But, Alex, it wasn't to hurt you..." He smiled,
"I know that now. And I just want us to be together, that is, if you'll take me back." His gaze met mine again.
"Well, I don't know. I suppose so..." I said, and smiled and him and he laughed, and put his arm around me.
"I thought I'd lost you forever" he said.
"Never, I love you too much."
"And I love you too." He kissed me softly on the lips and said, "Aren't you on duty?"
"Trust you, always thinking of work! By the way, how was the..."
"Case? Oh I won, but that's all behind us now, I don't want to mention it."
We got up and walked into the ward, his hand in mine, playing with my fingers. He kissed my neck, and we walked away, leaving it all behind us.
"Good morning, sunshine!" I said, and bent down to kiss him on the forehead. "You were talking in your sleep again," I continued playfully.
"I was not!" he replied, with a touch of indignity.
"You were too," I continued teasing him, "You mapped out that whole bypass you're performing today!"
"And did I get anything wrong?" he said, putting his arms around me.
"Of course not! They don't call you the best at Holby for nothing." His smile dropped. Shit. The court case. "Alex, I'm sorry, I totally..."
"It's alright. It'll be over now later anyway. Thanks for this Sam, I really appreciate this." How can I tell him? His eyes look so loving, so affectionate. Come on, Samantha, pull yourself together. He loves you and you love him. He's a safe driver, it's not going to make any difference what you did. I smiled back.
"That's fine. And you need to get up so you can perform that bypass that you mapped out so perfectly! Coffee? Black if I remember?"
He rolled over again, this time taking me with him and tickled me vigorously. I couldn't stop laughing but eventually we both calmed down. My hair was a mess, and he pushed it behind my ears and whispered "You are so beautiful. Lets take the day off."
I laughed, "Are you sure people wouldn't get suspicious? You know what Meyer's like, come on!"
"I can't help it. I have the choice of going into work, a court case and a tricky operation or staying in bed with my beautiful girlfriend. What would you choose?"
"I would definitely rather stay in bed with my beautiful girlfriend any day!" I kissed him on the nose, jumped out of bed and got dressed. He followed my lead and did the same.
*****
"OK Sarah, this is Dr. Kennedy and she'll be performing some tests on you."
"Thanks, Sandy, I can take it from here." I said and smiled.
"OK, Sam, but if you need anything?" Sandy said and left, pulling the curtains round as she went.
There she was in front of me, another young life that would be cut short. This girl could've made something of her life but no, she was in some stuffy hotel ward with people who she's never met who have the choice of whether she lives or dies.
"Sam, sorry to interrupt but we just had Dr. Taylor on the phone. I think Sarah's blood tests have come back."
"Thank Sandy" I got up to leave, but whispered to the young girl, who can't have been much older than 19, "I'll be back in a couple of hours, Sarah." And then so quiet that no one would have heard, "Hang in there."
On the way down to see Janice, I met Chrissie.
"Well well well, Sam Kennedy."
"Hello, Chrissie" I said, in a far more civil tone than hers.
"Have you told him yet?" I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and had regretted telling Chrissie from the start.
"No, not yet Chrissie. To be honest, I don't know whether I can. Things are getting worse for him, and I'm the only one on his side. I can't do that to him." I said this insecurely, as I wasn't sure that she was the best one to be talking to. Chrissie Williams hardly knows about "honesty".
"Well if you need a friend, Sam" Chrissie gave me a patronising smile.
"Yes, Chrissie, I'll come to you."
"Oh and by the way, don't go down to see Janice quite yet. I think she's talking to Alex.
****
"Dr. Adams, how are things?" said Janice, smiling at Alex.
"Not bad, thanks. Although I'm starting to feel the pressure of this case." he replied, nervously, "Anyway, how are things with you?"
"Oh very well. The pregnancy's coming along as well as could be expected..."
"...and Alistair?"
"Oh don't even mention him," There was a sinister tone to her voice. "The pregnancy's fine, the baby's fine and your court case will be fine. Oh and Alex, I notice an aspiring romance between yourself and Dr. Kennedy?" Janice smiled, and gave a knowing wink.
"Yes, couldn't be better really. In fact, I think I might propose later. I have a ring and everything."
"Alex, are you sure now's a good time with the case and everything?" Janice said, sounding concerned.
"No time like the present, doctor, and if she says yes it'll just make things better. I know it sounds stupid but ever since that first night we spent together, all it was was a one night stand but then she was here, at Holby, and it was just so perfect. Every moment I spend in her company I want to spend a moment more. I want to spend the rest of my life with that woman, and now I know that I do I want the rest of my life to begin as soon as possible. She's just so perfect, she's funny and smart and beautiful and...do you mind me telling you all this?"
"Oh no, Alex, it's quite alright! Do carry on..." Janice seemed quite amused but Alex continued..."She's just the person I'm meant to be with. I feel it, I've never felt it before. I've never used the word love in my relationships with other people but now I know that if you love someone you should say it. I know it seems soon, but I know that I love her."
"Well if you're sure that's the best thing to do, I know you'll both be happy. Now I've got a meeting with the lady herself, so maybe you should make yourself and your fancy new proposal scarce," said Janice, and opened the door for Alex.
****
"Hey baby" I said, as I passed Alex on the way to Janice's office.
"God I've missed you! How about lunch later?" Oh my god he's just so perfect!!!
"Yes, I suppose so. I'm starving, we forgot about dinner last night!" I said, only just realising that we had.
"We had better and more fun things to do..." Alex winked and put his arms around me.
"Alex Adams, you're sick!" I replied and kissed his neck.
"I need to talk with you about something later. It's important, so don't let me forget." Shit, he knows. Chrissie's told him, that stupid cow. How dare she? I would've told him, I would've done and now he hates me. He must have seen my face drop,
"Hey baby, don't worry, you're not in trouble. Far from it, God I love you." At this point we were rudely interrupted by his pager. He read it, sighed and said, "Duty calls. Lunch at 12.30?" He ran off and blew me a kiss. "That's fine," I whispered, as I stood by myself.
****
12.30, shit, I'm late to meet Alex. God, I don't need this. Here comes trouble.
"Chrissie, hi!" I said, which was code for 'Go away'
"Hey, have you told him yet?" I wish she'd stop asking that, I'll tell her when I do.
"No, not yet, I will. But how do you go about telling your boyfriend that he's facing the end of his medical career due to you? I got him drunk, I killed that boy. I shouldn't have ordered a double."
Alex was right behind me. He had probably come to find me for lunch. He had heard everything I'd said. He turned and ran through the door. "Alex!" I cried, "Alex, wait!" He stopped and turned around. I could see the shock on his face. I knew it was beyond tears. "Alex, please..."
"Sam, what did you just say? Is that true? Tell me it's not true. TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!"
"I was going to tell you, Alex, I promise" What had I done? WHAT HAD I DONE?!
"When? After my medical career's been destroyed and I'm in some prison cell? Do you realise what this means?" He looked at me with cold eyes, the warmth and love in them had turned to shock.
"Alex, I'm sorry." He walked away.
"I don't have to listen to this."
"ALEX!" He kept walking.
"ALEX, I LOVE YOU!" He turned around and said, in a calm voice.
"That used to mean something, Sam. That used to mean something."
Then he turned around and walked through the doors. I could feel the tears on my cheek. I'd done it again. I'd screwed up a relationship with the only guy I'd ever loved. I kept doing this, I got myself happiness and then I threw it away. Who was to blame but me? I should have told him and now he's never going to speak to me again. I love him so much.
****
I couldn't sleep last night. The sheets smell of Alex. I wasn't there for his court case, god knows what happened. Everyone will know, Mr. Meyer will want to speak to me. I love him so much it makes me cry. I want to tell him how much he means to me, how sorry I am, but I don't know what to say, where to start. He'd probably just turn away. I've ruined it all. I don't feel like working today, but I've got no choice. People will talk more if I don't. It's behind me. But everything I hear, everything I see reminds me of him. It's pathetic, isn't it? I woke up and switched on the radio and it was some love song playing. Then I saw his half-drunk black coffee on the kitchen table. He hadn't had time to finish it yesterday. He's the only person I know who drinks black coffee. I got dressed and got ready for work and subconsciously put on his favourite perfume, favourite lip gloss. I was angry with myself for doing so and just rubbed my lips down with a tissue. I put on another lip gloss and I looked wrong. I just feel lost. I feel like he should be here, and he's not. And I know it's my fault and I've gone and jeopardised something else. It's something else I've ruined. I guess this is what they call the end.
***
"Have fun last night, Sam?" Chrissie gave a welcoming smile. Sandy was quiet, and looked at me cautiously, expecting me to break into tears.
"Yes, thank you" I replied, in the same tone as her.
"Oh, Alex" Sandy saw that he'd appeared behind her, "How was your court case?" I turned around. I didn't want to hear, or see him.
"Fine thanks, Sandy. I had a good solicitor. Someone who I can really trust. Verdict's later today." With this he turned to look at me, and again his eyes were filled with disappointment, confusion. He then turned away again quickly, and walked away.
"Alex, wait..." I tried chasing after him, but it didn't work.
"I've got nothing to say to you, Dr. Kennedy" His voice was cold, as if he hardly knew me.
"Just, please, Alex, hear me out. I wanted to tell you..." I really did want to tell him, but he wouldn't believe me now.
"You've done enough damage Sam. And you know the ironic thing? I was going to propose to you later. Yes, that's right. I was going to ask you to marry me, and I've no doubt that you would have said yes. But I'm glad I didn't. Oh I love you, of course I do, but that would've made me marry a liar, and I don't want to be associated with someone like that for the rest of my life." His eyes looked more hurt than anything now.
"Alex, I...." I tried again, pleading with him.
"It's over, Sam. You blew it" He walked along and didn't look back, only stopping to have a word with Danny.
****
11.54pm. He's probably found out the verdict. I wish to god I could have been there, but no, I'm doing a late shift. I can barely keep my eyes open. I can hear murmurs in the other room, "Good news about Alex, shame about him and Sam though." I couldn't recognise the voice.
I walked into the room, "If you've got anything to say to me, please say it to my face...oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Taylor, I thought you were someone else. I'm sorry, it's all these late nights, I'm starting to feel them. How did Alex's case go?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know, but she had said 'Good news about Alex'.
"Oh fine, they're letting him off. He's got a fine to pay, but he's allowed to continue work as normal. You'll be pleased about that." A single tear trickled down my cheek, "Hey, Sam! Calm down. It'll be ok, you love each other and that means more than anything. Go and find him now. I think he's outside."
****
He was sitting on a bench, alone, with a cigarette in his hand which had been dampened by the rain. It was dark, and all I could make out was his outline. I came and sat down besides him. Neither of us said anything for a long time until I said, jokingly, "You don't smoke!".
"I never needed to before," he replied, turning to look at me, "I had you."
"And you still do, Alex. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you but I know that I love you and I was so happy with the way things were I didn't want to do anything to sabotage that, but I guess I did anyway. I can't expect you to forgive me, but believe me when I say how much I love..." He put his finger on my lips. "Sshhh" he whispered, "I love you too."
"Then why all this?" I sat upright, now confused.
"I was hurt, Sam, I was hurt that someone I loved so much could do something to hurt me."
"But, Alex, it wasn't to hurt you..." He smiled,
"I know that now. And I just want us to be together, that is, if you'll take me back." His gaze met mine again.
"Well, I don't know. I suppose so..." I said, and smiled and him and he laughed, and put his arm around me.
"I thought I'd lost you forever" he said.
"Never, I love you too much."
"And I love you too." He kissed me softly on the lips and said, "Aren't you on duty?"
"Trust you, always thinking of work! By the way, how was the..."
"Case? Oh I won, but that's all behind us now, I don't want to mention it."
We got up and walked into the ward, his hand in mine, playing with my fingers. He kissed my neck, and we walked away, leaving it all behind us.