Author's Note: So... this is crack. Pure, unabashed crack. Also, it is not my fault. I completely blame An Ingenious Paradox for insisting that gay pirate mpreg AUs don't exist, so I had to write one for her. So yeah, there's Mpreg in this... I don't generally write or read that, and I'm using the excuse that Castiel is an alien in this fic. I hope you enjoy it? I worry about my brain sometimes. Also, the universe here is sort of inspired by Firefly, but not enough for it to be an actual crossover.
Disclaimer: I am making no money off of this. I don't own anything. Etc.
Fuck fuck fuck, was the thought running through Dean Winchester's head.
They were crashing. Again.
"DEAN! I thought you said you fixed that problem with the engine thing?"
"Shut up, Sam. I thought I had too, but apparently not; however, I can't do anything about it right this minute, because, in case you hadn't noticed, we are crashing. I am trying to maintain some semblance of control over this ship and land us without exploding. You on the other hand are just being an unhelpful bitch, so shut up, strap in, and help me land this fucking thing will ya?"
They managed to land (sort of) about a mile away from their intended destination with a minimum of destruction and screaming (on Dean's part; Sam, of course, screamed like the little girl that he was), so all in all, Dean was willing to call it a win.
He sat back and looked over to the co-pilot's chair. Sam was wearing his patented bitchface and looking like he was trying to glare Dean out of existence.
"I need to go check out the engine room. You call Bobby and let him know what happened, and that we'll be on our way on the ground from here."
On his way to the engine room, Dean briefly surveyed the damage; it didn't look too bad, but he'd go over it more carefully after he figured out what the hell was wrong with his ship.
However, upon reaching the engine room, he found his way blocked by a very tired, very pissed-off, very pregnant Castiel. Dean started to ask "Are you all right?" but before he could get the words out Castiel was already speaking.
"Perhaps you are unaccustomed to dealing with people of my species, or perhaps you are just unaccustomed to people in the process of gestating, but in either case, I feel that I should inform you that at this late stage of pregnancy severe distress, like CRASHING, can often induce labor!"
He appeared quite irate by the end of his speech, but as he wasn't going into labor this very instant, so Dean wasn't overly concerned. "Hey Cas, I'm sorry, it's not like I intended to crash. Are you okay?"
Castiel glowered for a moment, but then answered curtly "Yes."
"See, no harm done, but I really need to get in there to see what the problem is."
"Perhaps, if you bought your ship parts from more reputable vendors, we would not have these types of problems," Castiel said as he moved out of the way.
Annoyed, Dean responded, "Cas, we are pirates! We smuggle things illegally from one place to another. And, in case you forgot the Impala and her crew have recently been added to a wanted list. We need to keep a low profile, and that means staying on the fringe for a while. I'm sorry, it's not ideal, but we've done it before, we'll get through it. But right now, I need to fix this ship if we want to have any chance of getting another job in before we have bigger things to worry about." He looked pointedly at Castiel.
"So the job is more important than our impending family?" he was beginning to sound a bit hysterical, if you can have a hysterical monotone.
Ok, really? This conversation was getting ridiculous, "Cas. We have been together for five years; you are having my kid. I am not having that fight with you right now, especially because you agreed on taking another job two days ago. Everyone's a little on edge from the crash, why don't you go see if Sam needs help with anything, while I look around here, and we can all calm down."
Cas looked like he was about to argue, but thought better of it and turned to go.
Jesus, Dean thought, shaking he head and making his way toward the engine. Right away, he could see what the problem was. "Son of bitch! That fucker sold me a shitty part." Dean wasn't going back to that vendor again. Screw him, even if he was a friend of Bobby's.
The was a crashing sound behind him, and suddenly a pale, frantic Sam was standing in the doorway. "Cas is going into labor."
Fuck.