A/N: Here I am again, with a slightly less serious Dangan Ronpa fanfic. You see, I noticed a critical lack of Westerns for Dangan Ronpa, so I decided to make one. My apologies if the characters are parodies of themselves, though I assure you: that is entirely intended. Now, without further to do:
The tumbleweeds blew across the dusty frontier town like a couple of Pokéballs. That was what Sheriff Hifumi Yamada thought, at least. He was the sheriff of Ded City, in Hope's Peak Valley, Nevada, population: 3000. And he only had one deputy. But Sheriff Yamada liked it that way. He liked being almost the sole upkeeper of the law in this dry-as-the-bone prospector town.
The Sheriff was dressed like all sheriffs worth their salt did: your typical cowboy hat, but with a bright white 10-gallon hat, spurs on the long snakeskin boots, and the grimy copper sheriff's badge pinned to the chest. He walked down Main Street, passing by the Mondo Saloon and the Despair Brothel, two prominent features of the town. Then he walked past the residence of the local blacksmith, Sakura "The Ogre" Oogami, and, across the street, the Chihiro Boutique. Past them, was the house of his loyal deputy, Kiyotaka Ishimaru, and across from the him the home of the lovely Miss Alter Ego. And past them was the Leon General Store and the Lunderburg Casino. Across from those two was the Maizono mansion. Finally, Yamada past his very own home, and across from that was his jail, decked out with 2-D girls. Finally, he walked up to the Monobank, run by the local bear, Monobear.
"Sometimes I do wonder," Yamada said aloud to no one in particular, "why a bear runs a bank."
"It's because I'm a bear, you bastard!" shouted Monobear back, from inside the bank, as he always did at this hour. A bird cawed. More tumbleweeds passed by.
Sheriff Yamada could tell that trouble was running into this town. He turned around, his hands on his pencil-holsters, and narrowed his eyes at a dust cloud rapidly approaching Ded City. He knew these criminals. He knew them well. They always slipped his grasp, but not today. For today, he was to propose to the lovely Miss Alter Ego, and he couldn't look like a fool. Again. For the 36th time.
There were six of them. Yes, six heinous criminals... the Live Gang. There was their leader, or he thought he was their leader, the nefarious Doc Togami, lover of all things money. And himself. There was his blood-soaked right-hand-woman, the infamous Genocider Syo, or at least she considered herself his right-hand-woman. There was Aoi "The Donuts Kid" Asahina, an infamous thief who left many a bakery barren all to feed her ravenous appetite. There was Crazy Kure, who dueled with twin crystal balls and was, well, crazy. Finally, there was the lone couple of the group, Kyoukou Kirigiri, a former Pinkerton detective, and her husband, Makoto Naegi, the deadliest mystery-solving and bank-robbing couple in the Old West.
They were famous for their skills, skills that had earned them the titles, "Super Bandit Level". Doc Togami, a handsome young man from the powerful Togami clan out in the east was "Super Bandit Level Heir", who had only two loves: himself and money. Syo was a writer with a split personality from the capital who'd taken a blow to the head one day and been stuck permanently as her serial-killer alter ego, and one day on a whim had stalked Doc Togami out from the states to the frontier; she was "Super Bandit Level Serial Killer". The Donuts Kid was once a champion swimmer from New York, who, after a betrayal, had headed west to make her fortune, only for it all to be lost by yet another betrayal; she turned now on eating as many of her favorite foodsnacks instead, earning the title "Super Bandit Level Donut Glutton". Crazy Kure was a mystery: all that was known about his sordid past was that he drank a lot, he had a thing with the owner of the Lunderburg Casino, and he was once a rich and handsome horse rancher who'd descended into crime, and he loved the occult, making him known as "Super Bandit Level Crazy Fortuneteller". Finally, there was Kirigiri and Naegi. They met in Philadelphia, where Kirigiri was hired to break a strike and Naegi was supposed to represent the unions, except that they fell heads-over-heels in love with each other and abandoned the whole operation to head west. After a certain point, Naegi ("Super Bandit Level Unifier") and Kirigiri ("Super Bandit Level Gunman") had married and began a life of crime... or something, since their crimes were always very unclear.
And Yamada was the only person who stood in the way of their trashing the city, looking for gold, booze, and other things evildoers usually wanted. He hiked up his belt, and stared off into the dust with stoic determination, oozing so much that Miss Alter Ego, watching from her porch, practically swooned. Yes, today would be the day, where the Live Gang would finally be brought to justice.
The saloon doors burst open and in walked Kirigiri and Naegi. They both looked imposing, tall strangers with purple and green bandanas respectively, but they had their eyes narrowed at every cowboy in the saloon. The bartender, Mondo, watched the criminal duo as they stalked across the bar floor and up to the counter. "Bartender," Naegi said gruffly, "I'll have a sarsaparilla." He sat down on a bench, and pulled his gun.
"Bartender," added Kirigiri, as she too sat down, "my companion and I will have a tequila." And she, too, pulled out a gun.
"You still want that sarsaparilla?" Mondo asked, eyeing Naegi.
Naegi glanced at his wife, and shook his head. "On second thought," he said, "I'll just have that tequila."
Mondo turned away from the two and rolled his eyes. He heard a gun-hammer cock, so he turned around and served the tequila. "You two just love to drink, don't you," Mondo said conversationally- they were, after all, two of his best costumers, since Naegi routinely gave him quite a large tip. "You always do what Kirigiri here says, Naegi?" Naegi meekly nodded, looking like a rather ridiculous desperado in the process.
Kirigiri elbowed Naegi, hard. "Just drink your tequila," she ordered.
He replied meekly, "Yes dear."
Doc Togami sauntered into the Despair Brothel, and was greeted by its general manager, Mukuro Ikusaba, a young woman dressed in a very low cut top and very short skirt that didn't really leave much to the imagination. "Welcome to the Despair Brothel," Ikusaba said in the best 'sexy' voice she could muster, which honestly sounded rather constipated. "Which one of our lovely ladies do you want to see today?" she drawled.
"Your money," replied Doc Togami. Ikusaba arched an eyebrow.
"Listen, it's our money," she snapped, her voice switching to a more anger-filled tone, "get your hands off it. Take one of the girls if you like-"
"You misunderstand," Doc Togami snapped back. He smoothed his hair, chuckled once or twice, and then said haughtily, standing tall over Ikusaba and looking down at her, "I want to sleep with your money."
"C-come again?" Ikusaba blinked. She knew she shouldn't have accepted her sister's job offer. "Our money? Like, sexually?"
"Exactly," Doc Togami said. "And give us a room with a mirror in it, while you're at it." He pulled his gun out. "And I'll pay handsomely for this encounter."
Ikusaba sighed heavily, and then said, tiredly, "Come with me." She lead Doc Togami through the door into the brothel proper.
Sakura was at the cash register in the Leon General Store, buying a new package of protein shakes, when the door swung open and "The Donuts Kid" Asahina walked in. While the cashier, Leon, ducked out of sight, Sakura simply stared The Donuts Kid down. Once, the two had been best of friends, before the donut addiction set in.
"Give. Me. Donuts," Asahina growled, slowly walked into the store, her guns bared, and her teeth gritted.
"I won't let you steal them, Aoi," Sakura said simply, and she looked upon her old friend fearlessly. "I won't let you steal them like you once stole my heart."
"That's tough words coming from you, Sakura," Asahina said coldly. "Tough words from 'The Ogre'. We used to rob towns from dawn until dusk, we used to steal cattle together, raid forts, hold up stagecoaches- and you threw it all away to be a blacksmith."
Asahina and Sakura stared each other down. Then, Sakura began to reach for her protein drinks, pointing their tops at Asahina, as the latter aimed her guns at the former bandit...
Lunderburg Casino was always packed with miners gambling away their hard-earned paychecks for a chance at winning big and leaving the mines. Today was no exception, although, unlike the usual, a crazy man was playing poker with the owner of the establishment, Celes, and losing miserably. Not that he seemed to care.
"The spirits of aliens and the futures say-" Crazy Kure began. Celes responded by slapping a single card down (a 2 of Hearts, to be exact), and Crazy Kure shoved all his chips towards her. "You win again," he said dejectedly.
Celes snapped her fingers and two vampire manservants rushed forward to place two shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey on the table. "Another game, Yasuhiro?" she said, with a devious smile.
Yamada stood at the entrance to the Monobank, facing down Genocider Syo. "Listen up, here, Genocider," Yamada growled. He had twin pencils pulled out, facing down Syo and her scissors. "This here town ain't big enough for the both of us."
Syo giggled madly. "Don't worry," she said, leaning forward ever-so-slightly, "I'm only here for my Byakuya-sama."
"I know you were once an artist," Yamada continued. "And I'll have you know, before I was a sheriff, I was an artist. And we can't have two artists in this here town."
Syo chuckled... malevolently. "Very well," she said, in a sing-song voice, "I, Genocider Syo, the great artist of death and Super Bandit Level Serial Killer, challenge you to a duel!" She pointed her scissors at Yamada and laughed wildly. "At high noon!"
Yamada's eyes flickered to the lovely Miss Alter Ego, who was watching the sheriff with bated breath. Yamada allowed himself to smirk a little, put up his pencils, and tilted his hat downwards. "I accept your challenge," he announced.
The doors to the saloon burst open again, and Deputy Ishimaru stomped up to the bar. All the other drinkers had retreated to the tables at the sides of the bar, leaving just Kirigiri and Naegi to drink at the bar alone. "I understand you two think you can just walk into town and act like you own the place," Ishimaru charged. Kirigiri and Naegi just kept drinking. "Draw, strangers."
Kirigiri put her drink down, slamming the shot-glass down hard on the counter. Without even looking at Ishimaru, she aimed her gun behind her, directly at him. Naegi quickly followed suit. She moved to pull the trigger, and with a girlish scream Ishimaru jumped out of the way of the saloon doors, narrowly dodging a bullet from Kirigiri.
But now he was in Naegi's cross-hairs instead. "You cops always fall for that," Kirigiri said, calmly, her voice ringing out in the silent saloon, where everyone had put their drinks down or stopped polishing the glasses to watch. "Makoto, we're going," she said.
Naegi nodded and slapped some dollar coins down on the counter- a massive sum for that time. Then he loyally followed Kirigiri out the door, across the street, and up into the Chihiro Boutique. Following them intently was Ishimaru, although they knew he probably wouldn't bother them while they were still together.
Which was okay, because the only thing they didn't usually do together was going to the bathroom. That was just the way frontier life and banditry was.
"We're looking for a wedding dress," Kirigiri began when she stepped into the boutique. Chihiro, the owner had been dozing off at the desk, but brightened up when he saw them.
"Howdy strangers," drawled Chihiro in a bad Texan accent, "you ain't around from these parts, are ya?"
"Stop with the exaggerated accent and just help us," Naegi said, putting his hand on his holster. Chihiro gulped and stood up.
"Who's it for?" Chihiro said quickly, leading the bandit duo back into the shop, over by the wedding clothes. "Family, maybe?"
"A member of our group," Naegi said conversationally. "Nanami." He paused. "And I think Komaeda wants one too."
Chihiro shrugged and headed towards the door racks. The door creaked open and Ishimaru crept in, his twin hall passes aimed at Naegi and Kirigiri's back. He wiped his brow. He could do this.
Kirigiri glanced back slightly, and Ishimaru quickly dove under a bin filled with bonnets. Maybe he couldn't do this.
Doc Togami and a huge pile of money were locked into a room with a wall-mirror (that was secretly a two-way mirror for other paying customers'... viewing pleasure). The money had been bound up with belts to vaguely resemble a human being, assuming most human beings looked like Sheriff Yamada; the mirror, on the other hand, reflected Doc Togami's handsome visage.
"So..." Doc Togami said, sleazily, to himself in the mirror, "come here often?"
The mirror didn't respond. Doc Togami frowned.
"I... see," he said. He scratched his head and looked at the pile of money. "Well, how about your friend here?"
The door opened suddenly and Mukuro, now dressed in sensible clothes for the desert, ran in and slapped a large green picture of George Washington's face on the money monster. She ran out again.
Doc Togami wiggled his eyebrows at George. George looked stoically back. Doc Togami lowered himself onto the bed. George looked up at the ceiling. Doc Togami slowly began stripping. George's "face" slipped and started staring at the wall. Doc Togami pulled his underwear off, earning a chorus of "oohs" from beyond the mirror. George's "head" fell off, hit the floor, and scattered, sparing George from the obscene scene now beginning above him.
Sakura and Asahina glared at each other, staring intently but not moving a muscle. Sakura's thumbs and Asahina's guns were positioned in such a way that if either pulled the trigger, so to speak, the other would be hit in the head. But neither moved a muscle.
Leon, still hiding behind the cabinet, pulled out a harmonica to "set the scene", so to speak, but refrained for fear of the two deadly women. The two women simply kept staring.
And staring.
And staring.
And staring.
And staring.
And then, they both fired. But they both missed; two metal lids clanked against the plate glass storefront, while two jars of some sort on the back shelf shattered. And then both women ran forward and hugged each other.
Leon could feel the sap radiating from the two as they both tried to steal the other's weapons and wallets, just like in the old days.
They had already gone through a bottle each. Celes and Crazy Kure's tolerance for alcohol was infamous across Ded City and its environs, after all; people claimed that Crazy Kure's insanity came from when someone tried to deprive him of his precious, precious alcohol.
They were now playing Russian Roulette, both slightly tipsy (although it was hard to tell with Crazy Kure). Celes pressed the gun to her temple, pulled the trigger, and smirked when the gun only clicked; she handed the gun to Crazy Kure and took a shot of whiskey. Crazy Kure laughed wildly and spun the barrel, then clicked the gun shut and pressed the gun to his own face. It too did not fire. He sighed and drank more whiskey as well.
Celes had neglected to mention, of course, that she had already taken all of the ammunition out of Crazy Kure's pistol. He didn't notice. Celes giggled. "Ready to take it up a notch, hombre?" she whispered hoarsely to Crazy Kure. He stood up and she grabbed his hand with her gloved hand and pulled him to the back of the casino, out the door, and towards her private mansion. The crowd that had gathered around the two let out a collective groan of disappointment and returned to the slots.
Syo had vanished for the moment, into the Despair Brothel, the one place in town Sheriff Yamada had never stepped (the only 3-D girl that interested him was the lovely Miss Alter Ego, after all). He was getting ready for the duel.
He pulled out his finest pencils from his bedside drawer and under his pillow. He took out his largest ten-gallon hat, and put on his finest spurs and rattlesnake-skin boots. He looked like a real sheriff now. He took a glance at the signed picture of the lovely Miss Alter Ego ("There! I signed it, you creep, now go away!") from back when he was a young man and she a young woman; they still were, but now he was sheriff. He'd even thrown away his body pillows for her.
He knew that Genocider Syo was probably getting ready for the momentous duel. He took a look at the little silver band next to the picture, the one he planned to give to the lovely Miss Alter Ego after he won the duel, and shoved it in his pocket (not his underwear, mercifully for Alter Ego). He glanced at the clock. An hour left.
Genocider Syo was having the time of her life, drooling all over the floor at the sight of Togami and what was left of George in bed. She turned to Junko Enoshima and Mukuro Ikusaba, who were also in the room, and gestured at them with scissors. "I want a small portable mirror that will cover my face and enough dollar bills to cover me up, now!" she shouted, brandishing her blades at the Despair twins.
Junko rolled her eyes and Mukuro sighed and set off to satisfy their second crazy customer of the day.
Kirigiri and Naegi entered the Leon General Store and ignored The Donuts Kid and The Ogre sitting in front of a storefront checkers board, discussing life in the little town. The ex-detective duo had already made a deal with Chihiro to send Nanami and Komaeda up to try on their dresses; Chihiro was especially excited to work with Komaeda. Meanwhile, Kirigiri and Naegi moved on to the next item in their list: grocery shopping. Ishimaru, of course, followed them, although he'd disguised himself (ineffectually) as a frontier wife.
Kirigiri and Naegi immediately went to the shelves. Naegi grabbed a basket, and Kirigiri, consulting a list, started throwing things into it. Ishimaru followed behind, throwing the same things into his own basket, intending to go through it and find out what the duo was up to. Finally, Kirigiri and Naegi filled up the basket and went to Leon, paying for their purchase with a rare $50 bill. Once they were out the door, Ishimaru wandered up to the counter and began taking things out. "Quiet, Leon," he said, "I want to know what they're up to."
So he pulled out pickles, butter, bread, jam, coffee, tobacco, whiskey, glassware, ceramic-ware, silverware, gunpowder, salt, wheat, corn, and all other manner of food and general equipment, even Leon's famous baby food (mostly repurposed fruit that was too bruised to sell). Leon sure prided himself on the fresh food that arrived every day from the cities out west, thanks to the railroads.
Ishimaru sighed. "Just put everything back, Leon," he said. Leon nodded and set to work. Ishimaru looked out at Naegi and Kirigiri, who were now heading towards the Maizono Manor. "I'll get them yet," he snarled.
Doc Togami's attempts to woo headless George (Doc Togami always asked a lady he respected, or President in this case, for permission first) were interrupted when the door to the chamber opened again. He glared at first but when he saw what it was, he was momentarily silent. The newly-arrived person was completely naked, covered entirely in dollar bills, and had strapped a mirror now reflecting Doc Togami's own handsome face.
The twin Togamis, mirror and real, did many nasty things that are unprintable and would make the Despair girls a lot of money later on. And for the first time in her life, Syo fulfilled (one of) her deepest desire with her Byakuya-sama.
Asahina and Sakura walked into the saloon, ready to catch up over a drink or two. They walked up to the counter, like Naegi and Kirigiri had before, and sat down to order some fine tequila (Mondo's specialty. Besides butter, fresh batches of which only appeared after a bar fight). Mondo put the bottle and some glasses down and walked to the other end of the bar to serve some more customers. And then someone tapped Asahina on the shoulder.
"Desperado," said the man, a strange man with a scarred face and little hamsters sitting and watching from his white hat, "you're not welcome here in Ded City."
"Ah, back off, Gundam," Sakura said, calmly but firmly. "Let the Donuts Kid drink her fill and I'll take her out of the city."
"That's not enough, Ogre," Gundam Tanaka replied, "you see, people like me don't much like people like the Donuts Kid being in our city. Fill your hand, stranger."
Asahina stopped drinking. For a moment, the saloon, which had only just resumed its usual discussion following Naegi and Kirigiri leaving, fell into silence once again.
And then Asahina picked up the mostly-undrunk bottle of tequila and smashed it over Gundam's head. Gundam staggered, then ripped bench off of the floor and threw it at Asahina- only for Sakura to punch it out of the way, mid-flight. Then, a gray-haired, red-eyed calvary officer named Peko Pekoyama jumped off of her chair and smashed it over the head of Sakura. Sakura snarled and moved to attack Pekoyama for the attack, only for a local shopkeeper, a red-haired girl called Mahiru Koizumi, to pick up her own chair and attack Pekoyama.
And so it went, as the entire bar began fighting. Bottles flew, chairs were thrown, tables were flipped, glasses were smashed, and skulls were cracked in the all-out brawl. Gundam was even thrown out the plate-glass window, although he dusted himself off (somehow) and then ran away, shouting about calling upon his "four dark gods", his hamsters scurrying after him.
When the dust settled, Asahina, Sakura, and Mondo were the only ones still conscious, or, at least, actually in the saloon. Mahiru had run out after Gundam, shouting obscenities at him, and Mondo was busy scratching out "10 Days Since Last Bar Fight" on his back wall with a sigh. Asahina and Sakura took the last two bar stools and the last bottle of tequila and began drinking.
Celes and Crazy Kure had descended to strip poker.
That's all you need to know.
Yamada stepped out into the parched heat of Main Street, his hands hovering ever-so-slightly over his pencil holders. It was five minutes to high noon, and already people were gathering to watch the duel. The Ded City Orchestra had even gathered to begin the dramatic duel theme, lead by Director Ibuki Mioda.
The sun was high overhead when Genocider Syo emerged from the Despair Brothel, her tongue hanging out, her face stuck into a permanent psychopathic grin, a large black hat shielding her from the sun, and her hands hovering over her scissors holsters.
The duel theme continued as Monobear, who was the "referee" of the duel, stepped out of the Monobank and took his place in the middle of the street between Syo and Yamada. "Approach me and put your backs against each other," he ordered.
Syo and Yamada moseyed on towards each other. Then, they put their backs against each other, as Monobear instructed. "Take sixteen paces, ya bastards," Monobear ordered. Syo and Yamada moseyed down the street sixteen paces, their hands still hovering over their weapons. "Turn around." Syo and Yamada turned to face each other.
The heroic music stopped. More tumbleweeds blew by as, overhead, vultures screeched. Director Ibuki and Leon (all of whom were watching) took out harmonicas and began playing the usual drama-filled duel music, complete with large gusts of wind overhead.
"Draw!" Monobear ordered. Syo whipped out her scissors; Yamada yanked out his pencils.
Another vulture screeched; tension filled the air. The spectators leaned forward to watch the duel.
"Fire!" Monobear shouted, and retreated underneath a porch. Syo and Yamada threw their pencils in unison; one of Syo's scissors dug itself into the ground at Yamada's feet while the other sent his white hat flying. Syo, however, was not as lucky. One pencil had knocked her black hat off, while the other had sent Syo flying down the street, as people usually did in those days around projectiles, and killed her... or, at least, caused her to unleash an almighty sneeze, her tongue to retreat back into the mouth, and her to fall unconscious.
For a moment, everyone was silent, and then... cheering. Yamada, satisfied, walked over to his foe and grabbed his pencils, reholstering them, and then ran up to the lovely Miss Alter Ego.
He began to kneel...
"Sheriff!" called Ishimaru. Yamada gave his deputy a whithering glare and slowly stood back up.
"What is it, deputy?"
"Hurry, let's get a posse together! The rest of the Live Gang survived, we need to go after them!"
Yamada frowned and returned to his hat. He pulled the scissors out and put the hat back on, and turned to the crowd milling about. "Let's go!" he shouted. "Time to take down the Live Gang, once and for all!"
The people cheered again.