AN: Character death! This is dedicated to the fighters, those still fighting, the caregivers and the families of those suffering from cancer. I do want to say, there maybe a trigger warning here because someone does not survive. In no way do I intend to romanticize cancer, instead, I want to show the pure courage, strength, and faith in takes to fight such a beast.
Also, I am wanting to update my others stories, mainly "Dark" However, with all of the officer targeted crimes lately, I do not feel comfortable writing a fic based on that exact thing. Let me know if you have any ideas for me to write!
You sit outside, enjoying the warmth of the sun as your skin seems to soak in every ray. It is finally getting warm enough for you to be able to venture outside without the fear of contracting some sort of horrid disease or virus from the bitter cold.
It is warm enough for your two boys to enjoy playing outside in the park, the sounds of their giggles and squeals of delight feel your soul with absolute delight. They seem to be enjoying the weather just as much as you do.
And just sitting in the outdoors, listening to their laughter, conversations others are having, the birds; feeling the breeze on your body.. it is just enough to make this day a good day. Nothing can change it.
You have waited so long for this.
Waited to come outside.
Waited to hear your boys.
To feel the sun, the wind, to feel the fresh air.
Because right now, hearing is about all you can do.
You hear everything now. The things you never really listened to before, are now the sounds you cling to. Before, the sound of a truck driving by, a thunder clap, a dog barking, cartoons- they were nothing but a nuisance. But now, now you relish in the sound of the accelerating truck, the thundering boom, the dog barking playfully or the annoying cartoon voices. You wait for them, and any of the multitude of sounds you hear day in and day out.
You counted the other day, how many sounds you hear. And it was close to the 25,000 mark. And you had been missing out on it for so long.
Today, today, you have surpassed that 25,000 mark by far and each new sound is like a fix to you. The wind blowing the swings, the stroller wheels on the asphalt, the clapping of the crowd at the youth soccer game.
Oh! It is just wonderful!
The park is beautiful, you just know it! Green grass, still slightly damp from the morning dew, children in soccer uniforms, one team wearing gold, the other wearing green, babies in swings as their parents happily push them back and forth, laughing at their children's delight.
And suddenly, the day gets even better.
You feel soft hands running through your hair and pulling your head towards them, your head falls to his strong shoulders and you inhale the scent. His scent. Will. It's unique, and you have no ways to accurately describe it; it is simply Will. And you chuckle to yourself; if you ever have a career change you would consider starting a perfume line. Heck, you already have a name "Simply Will."
"Oh JJ," He breathes into your ear and you relax further. "I love you."
'I love you too,' you respond.
You stay like that, just you and him for at least half an hour, not another word is spoken. His hands continue to run through your hair and occasionally he will kiss your cheek. All you can do is smile.
Suddenly, a chill is in the air and you shiver. Yet, you do not want to move; you are too comfortable, safe in Will's strong embrace.
"Boys!" You hear him shout. "Ten more minutes; we have to go home soon." The sound of boy feet is suddenly very near you and two more excited voice join the conversation.
"Sorry dad!" It's Henry. "What did you say?"
"We need to leave in ten minutes, it is getting cold…"
"It's not cold!" Henry's voice argues back and before you can say anything, Will takes the lead.
"Henry, it isn't cold for you or me, or Michael, but it is cold for your momma. We don't want her to get sick, okay?"
"Oh, that' right. I forgot." Suddenly, you feel small hands pull something up to your chin and a soft kiss on your cheek. "Sorry, momma, I don't want you to get cold!" He tells you.
And you swallow.
Because it is all so different now.
Not just for you, or Will. But for your boys. Life isn't fair to them. You are lost in your thoughts when you hear Will's phone ring; he lets go of your hand and you hear him answer it.
"Yes?" He pauses. "I know Dr. Huff, I know.. we.. we are at the park." Another pause. "Please don't. I will bring her in right now. Yes, I know how to suction the tube.. I.. okay, we are on our way."
You hear him suck in a deep breath. "I am sorry, JJ. Looks like hospice wants us back home." You feel him stand, and tuck the blanket closer around your chin. It is a comforting measure, the blanket. It distracts you from the pain that constantly shoots through your body.
He kisses you on the forehead again and the pain melts away.
For a few more minutes, you enjoy the soft kiss of the sun on your skin, the wind in your hair and the smell of a rainstorm approaching. You soak it in because deep down you know it will be the last time you smell any of these.
You know your time is coming. And it isn't days or weeks left, you are down to the hours; and you wonder if Will senses it to.
You like to think he does know; he snuck you out of the house today, away from the nurses and machines; he grabbed you and the boys and ran away to the park. He had made sure to take the oxygen with him, making sure the tank was full- you couldn't breathe on your own anymore. Two weeks ago, the doctors at the hospital had delivered grim news, but news you knew was coming.
After suffering three massive seizures in one day, the MRI and CT scans confirmed what everyone already knew. Chemo had done nothing to shrink the tumor that was rapidly growing on the base of your brain. There was nothing left to be done.
You and Will together made the decision to go to hospice; you didn't want to die in a hospital bed. Will had carried you home that night, your legs no longer able to hold your weight up. He had held you while you cried out in pain as the tumors pressed mercilessly against your spine, robbing you of any independence you once had.
And as the days and hours progressed, your condition rapidly deteriorated, just as the doctors had predicted. You had taken a nap one day, and woken up to complete darkness. The light never came back; your arms and legs failed you, followed by your ability to swallow.
In two weeks, you had gone from being able to somewhat walk (with the help of a loving arm, or walker) to being completely paralyzed from the neck down.
There was nothing else cancer could take from you; except your life. And that would happen tonight. You knew it.
But you clung to the one thing it could never touch. Your love for your family, and their love for you. Will had not left your side, your boys still climbed into bed with you and laid with you. Your team visited constantly and you knew they would be at your home waiting.
And as Will carries you into the doorway one last time, you feel tears fall onto your face. Your eyes are closed now and despite everything you try, they will not open.
But you can hear, and you can feel touch.
"Where would you like us to go?" It is Rosie, the sweet nurse who has taken such wonderful care of you.
"I.." Will sniffles. "I think she would like to be in our room."
"How about we head that way then?" She says softly, placing her hand on your head.
The walk is silent, and Will tightens his grasp on you, as if holding you closer, tighter, would fight away death that was now waiting at the door.
He slowly puts you down in bed, mindful of how any jarring motion is immensely painful.
Rosie is next to you and she presses her fingers to your neck. "Will, would you like your sons to come and say goodbye?"
A sob escapes your husband's mouth and you assume he nods because moments later, you feel the presence of your boys next to you.
"Daddy?" You hear Henry speaking. "Is mommy going to Heaven now?"
"Yes Henry, mommy is going to heaven now. But she will always be here looking at for you and your brother."
"Can…" His voice cracks and he takes your hand. "Can I lay down with her?"
"Yes, son. Just be careful."
And you feel his small body, followed by Michael's curl up to you. Will curls up on the other side, his hand in yours. It doesn't hurt anymore.
And you know this is the end, and you feel Rosie come in and gently touch your throat before hearing the hiss of the oxygen. Your body relaxes as morphine kicks in, the pain is all gone now. You are warm, you are safe, and you are in your bed with your family. You cannot ask for anything else as your body is healed and you are welcomed home.