I'll Be Here, a harry potter fanfic

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried

"That's all, Albus," Severus Snape said to Dumbledore as he slumped, exhausted, in a chair. "There's no new information."

Dumbledore nodded seriously. "What you heard is enough for now, Severus. Go back to your rooms. Rest. The meetings are increasing in frequency, and you will undoubtedly be summoned again before long."

Snape forced down a sigh. "Headmaster, I would be in much better condition if I didn't have to report back to you immediately. And you continually insist that attend the Dark Revels – which, for the most part, do not have the Dark Lord in attendance. Why do I go to those, then?" His dark eyes, tired as they were, managed to flash with anger.

"Any information could be vital," Dumbledore told him sternly. "Whether or not Voldemort is present is irrelevant." His vivid blue eyes surveyed Snape. "You are crucial to the plans of the Order, Severus. Do not let us down."

Snape recognized when he was being dismissed. He slowly got to his feet, his body groaning in protest. Pain Reliever Potion, and Dreamless Sleep. That's what he needed, and desperately. He slipped out of the Headmaster's office, resisting the urge to slam the door as he left.

But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

The corridors were mercifully empty so late at night, and with Snape in such a mood as he was the students were safe as well. He could very well hex first, ask questions and take away House points later. The aftereffects of the Cruciatus curse were particularly vengeful this night, and he had to clench his teeth several times, lest a groan escape through his lips.

"What does our darling Harry Potter plan to do for his Holidays, SSSSSeverusssss?"

"Stay at the school, my Lord. The public pretense is that the boy is studying hard for his upcoming N.E.W.T.s, but Dumbledore is keeping him within the walls at his insistence." He sneered, not having to fake disgust. "The boy would not be studying if his life depended on it. Lazy."

Voldemort narrowed his eyes into slits. "Disappointing, servant. I would have thought you could convince Dumbledore," he scoffed, "otherwise."

Snape bowed low. "Apologies, my Lord. I did all I could." He again thanked the gods for his gift of Occlumency.

"Your apologies will not save you." The pale hand rose, wand delicately held between long fingers. "Crucio!"

Snape winced, remembering the pain. The Dark Lord was becoming more vicious in his torture sessions, drawing out the agony without respite.

Wrapped up in thoughts dark enough to distract even the most focused man, Snape paid no attention as he rounded the corner and consequently knocked a person to the ground. His frayed nerves stretched; his wand was out in an instant and pointed straight into the face of the Hogwarts Head Girl.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become

Hermione Granger stared at the tip of Snape's wand with wide hazel eyes before slowly raising her gaze to meet the Professor's. He glared down at her, a muscle twitching in his cheek.

"What are you doing?" he hissed, not wasting time with pleasantries.

"Good evening to you too, Professor," Hermione said as she clamored to her feet. The wand mirrored her actions, remaining pointed over her heart. "Rounds, sir. The feast went longer than expected, so the Heads were told to patrol at this hour."

Snape mentally rolled his eyes. The Halloween feast – how could he have forgotten? No doubt the Dark Lord found the irony of his summons almost as entertaining as the torture he inflicted upon his followers. He snarled under his breath.

Hermione eyed the wand nervously. "Are you all right, sir?"

"Bloody fantastic," he spat, fingers tightening around the wood.

"Would you mind, um, lowering your wand, then?"

Snape glowered at the girl as he dropped his arm to his side. "Get on with it, then, Miss Granger, and twenty points from Gryffindor for running into a teacher." He moved to walk around her, but Hermione hesitantly blocked his path. Snape growled.

"Get out of my way, Miss Granger."

"You weren't at the feast. Were you summoned tonight?" she wondered anxiously.

"I don't see how that is any of your concern."

Hermione chewed her lip. "Were you – I mean – did . . . he hurt you?"

Snape's expression hardened. "Is there a point to this line of questioning, Miss Granger?"

"I just . . ." Hermione sighed. "I don't think you should have to take care of yourself after returning from the presence of . . . him. You should know that someone appreciates the position you place yourself in, what you do for the Light." She fidgeted, pulling at the sleeve at her robe. "You deserve better after risking your life time and time again."

"And I suppose you would be the one appreciating my so-called position?" he frowned.

"Yes," she replied quietly.

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Her remark somehow seemed to make him even angrier. Who was this girl to pity him? If one thing existed that Severus Snape hated, it was pity. Particularly when the pity fell on him.

He stared at Hermione for a long time before pushing her to the side. "You waste your sympathies, Miss Granger." He ignored the mewl of pain as her shoulder collided with a brick wall. "I do not need them nor do I want them."

I can't escape myself
So many times I've lied

Snape walked quickly, staccato footsteps echoing through the tunnels as he descended into the dungeons. Even this extra effort cost so much more than it would usually. He clenched his hands into fists when he realized that his breathing came ragged and harsh, his head pounding. These were symptoms of weakness. He could not tolerate weakness, particularly not from himself. Fighting the exhaustion, he concentrated on undoing the wards to his private rooms.

Inside, he collapsed onto the couch and rested his head against the pillows. Gods, it felt unbearably worse tonight. He wondered if he would even be able to make it to his bedroom before passing out. Probably not.

But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

Red clouded his vision. Damn Dumbledore, damn the Dark Lord. Damn them all. He blindly reached over to the table next to the sofa and threw the first object he touched: a tumbler, still half-full of Firewhiskey. It shattered above the fireplace, the flames hissing dangerously.

His life was not his own. It had never been his own. He remained a slave to the fight for the life of precious Harry Potter, for the future of the Wizarding and Muggle worlds alike. His reward? Pain, suffering. A life of deceit and lies, trying to live just one more day.

He flung an empty potions beaker aimlessly, not even flinching when it fractured into a million pieces, glinting in the dim light. He hated it, every second where he was forced to spy and report, spy some more, suffer through a round of madness, return, spy, report, only to be sent out to endure it again.

A particularly vicious throb hit his skull and he couldn't hold back the agonized moan. "Damn it!" he seethed, sending yet another glass object soaring through the air, letting the subsequent shards scatter with the others.

"Professor?"

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become

It seemed to take an eternity to turn his head back toward the door. Familiar, dark honey hair and a concerned face peered around the door, watching him with troubled eyes. Damn. The wards. The fact that he had forgotten to reset them was a testament to his state.

"Miss Granger," Snape gritted out. "Get out."

Hermione did quite the opposite; she stepped inside, softly closing the door behind her, and rushed to his side. "Let me help you, sir. You can't possibly do this yourself."

"Get. Out."

"No."

She stubbornly looked at him, apparently waiting for instructions. Snape snapped his eyes closed. He couldn't fight her. Not tonight. He knew the spasms would start soon, and he wouldn't be able to reach his stores in time. He sighed heavily, the weight of his years echoing in his exhaled breath.

"The cupboard in the bathroom," he told her quietly. "The door next to the fireplace. The purple vial and the indigo blue one, both."

Hermione hurried away, fetching his potions quickly, not speaking a word as she returned to him.

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

"Purple first."

She cradled his head in one hand, lifting it, uncorking the stopper with her teeth and spitting it away, bringing the rounded glass edge to his mouth. He sipped slowly without protest. Perhaps he would regret this moment of dependency later, maybe even Obliviate her, but right now the unpleasant sensations wracking his body drove away all objection.

"This isn't fair."

His dark eyes rose to Hermione's upset face; she carefully watched him as he drank the potion swallow by swallow.

"You shouldn't have to do any of this," she continued. "It's not right. What if you hadn't become a Death Eater? You'd be one of the most respected Potions Masters in Europe, I bet."

Snape inaudibly sighed as he finished. The pain was already subsiding, or at least becoming more bearable.

"Blue."

Hermione assisted him as she did with the first potion, talking throughout. "Your life would be so much different."

"No doubt," he mumbled between sips.

"Absolutely none," she declared. Hermione fell silent then, merely observing as he eventually finished the blue potion, seemingly lost in thought.

"Miss Granger." His voice startled her and drew her gaze. "I believe your community service is finished. You can leave now."

She snorted. "Hardly, Professor. You aren't getting rid of me that easily." She shifted, pulling his arm over her shoulder and helping him to stand. "I'm seeing this through."

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

"Miss Granger . . .!"

"Don't. Fine, take away points, give me a detention." Her steely eyes locked on his. "But I am doing this nonetheless. Sir," she added as an afterthought.

"Is hexing on the list of options?" he muttered, reluctantly allowing himself to be walked across the room.

Hermione chuckled. "I'm glad you're feeling better. But you still need rest." She shouldered open the door to his bedroom and gently eased them both through.

"You are completely insufferable, witch."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, so you say, but I don't see Dumbledore administering pain potions or You-Know-Who putting you to bed."

"Ha."

"Exactly."

Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

She stripped him of his outer robes and glanced around uncomfortably. "Um, is that good enough, or do you . . .?"

Snape glared at her. "Do you sleep fully clothed, Miss Granger?"

Hermione blushed. "Right, then, um . . . I'll just . . . leave you to it, then . . ." She backed out of the room, eyes darting around haphazardly.

He smirked after she had left. Gryffindors. He carefully removed his clothing, save his boxers, and piled them on the floor next to the bed. They could wait until morning. Snape gingerly eased himself into bed, relieved that the potions had taken the edge off. He closed his eyes and dropped off to sleep immediately.

Even his dreams were filled with agony. Screams and blood, and a high, cold voice that chilled him to the core . . . he ran and ran, but could not escape from something he could not see. So worried about what was behind, he failed to look ahead and tumbled over a cliff, falling down, down into oblivion . . .

He woke with a start, shivering and drenched in sweat. A sharp intake of breath from the darkness made his swallow.

A light suddenly shone brightly. "Are you all right?"

Snape sighed and relaxed back into his pillows. "Still here, are you?" he grumbled.

"Of course. You were thrashing about just now – do you wish for some Dreamless Sleep?"

"Yes."

Hermione silently handed him a small bottle; he uncorked the top and drank it in a few large gulps, instantly feeling the effects. He sank back into the darkness as Hermione looked on, eyes unblinking.

So what if you can see the darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become

She was still there in the morning, tired but smiling gently as she handed him a tray with dry toast and pumpkin juice. He accepted the food without complaint, hoping she would go away soon or he'd throw her out.

Hermione straddled the chair she had been in most the night and gazed at him, a contemplative look on her face.

"Thank you for letting me help you."

He glanced up irritably. "Not by choice, witch, believe me when I say that."

"I believe you." She hesitated. "Professor?"

"What?"

"I wish things were different for you. No one should endure life as you do."

He chewed silently, thinking. "We are who we choose to be."

"Do you regret what you chose?"

Snape shot her a glare. "What is it you hope to accomplish, Miss Granger? Do you want to pull my darkest secrets from me, laugh at my mistakes with your little friends? Or am I to end up one of your charity cases, hoping that you can change my life?"

Hermione looked startled. "Of course not. I just want to know."

He scowled. "Yes, Miss Granger. I regret it."

Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

She sighed, standing. "I am sorry, Professor." She walked over to the side of the bed and looked down at him."If I have helped in any way, I am thankful." Hermione hesitated, then darted in and kissed him on the cheek quickly, pulling back just as hastily. She reddened. "Don't be surprised if I show up at your door again some night, sir. You need all the help you can get, if I might speak frankly."

Snape was still shocked by her overly-affectionate gesture. "I do not need your help, nor do I want it, Miss Granger."

She smirked in the most Slytherin fashion and moved toward the door.

"Nevertheless," she called back as she exited, "I'll be here."

And maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

Review, please! They are always appreciated.