The Way It Falls

He's in the attic, sorting through musty smelling boxes when he finds it. It's buried at the very bottom of a cardboard box labeled "Eiji," squished between a stack of Chocolates CDs and a photo album from their last year at Seigaku. It was the album he was looking for, but at the sight of the bristled fur and black marble eyes, he pauses, the pictures forgotten, and reaches with unsteady hands for Eiji's old teddy bear.

The bear, he thinks a bit sadly, has definitely seen better days. Its left paw has a split seam--downy bits of stuffing bulge at the gap--and the fur in several places is matted and discolored. Although he knows it's silly, he finds himself pulling the hem of his shirt up over his hand and using the cloth to wipe the bear's eyes, until the dust clears and they gleam clear and black in the low light.

Ne, Oishi! Which way does the teddy bear fall?

He smiles in spite of himself, and in the empty space of the attic, his voice sounds very small as he murmurs, "Left."

It's mid-afternoon. The light that pours in through the triangular attic window is like honey, thick and golden, and through the insulated glass he can hear the shouts of laughing children. The air is heavy and hot, baked by the sun, and already an uncomfortable layer of sweat is itching on his skin.

He should go back downstairs, he knows, and sink into the welcome coolness of the air conditioned kitchen, but the dark marble eyes hold him in place. He finds himself staring into them as if they are the windows to something long-forgotten, and after a few moments, they are. He closes his eyes and remembers.

He was hunched over his desk, his eyes burning from the latest series of impossible math problems, when the phone rang. Not exactly minding the interruption, he got wearily to his feet and was soon sitting on the edge of the bed with the receiver held to his ear.

A few seconds passed.

"Hello?" he tried again.

This time, he heard a whisper of breath from the other end of the line, and some flicker of recognition made him ask, "...Eiji?"

The murmur of breath came again, this time followed by what was unmistakably a sniffle. "O...Oishi. Something...something bad..."

The voice was small, broken, barely recognizable. Oishi's heart was suddenly pounding in his chest, all fatigue forgotten as he leapt to his feet and paced anxiously to the window. "Eiji? What is it? Are you all right? What happened?"

Another sniffle, and then the small voice continued, "O-Oishi, could...could you come over? Gomen nya, I know you're busy with--"

"I'll be right there," he said firmly, and without even waiting for a response, he hung up the phone, wrestled on his shoes, and sprinted for the door.

Eiji answered the door midway through his second knock, looking small and lost in an oversized green T-shirt and faded jeans. The sadness had so consumed his face that even his ever-present band-aid seemed to be drooping.

At the sight of Oishi standing there, gasping for breath on his front step, some of the life returned to his features. The blue eyes widened, and his lips parted to make way for a soft exhalation of breath.

"Oishi," he said after a few seconds, and he sounded somewhere between awed and guilty, "you...you didn't run all the way here, did you?"

"Daijobu," Oishi managed. When he had regained some control over his breathing, he looked up at his friend and forced himself to work past the fearful lump in his throat. "What happened, Eiji?"

Eiji bit his lip, looking suddenly anxious. "Nyaaa...Oishi, it's not...I didn't know you were gonna run the whole way here, or I wouldn't have--"

"It's okay," he said again, shaking his head for emphasis. "Just tell me what's wrong."

There was another pause, longer this time, and then Eiji squeezed his eyes shut and blurted, "My teddy bear is missing!"

Oishi blinked. "Your..."

"Hoi," Eiji affirmed miserably, head hanging to one side as if he lacked the strength to hold it up. "I took him with me when I went camping with Fuji, and I thought I had him in my bag, but I just looked and...and..."

"And he wasn't there," Oishi finished gently. The relief was a palpable thing, spreading through his chest and soothing his frazzled nerves; strangely, even knowing that it was for this that he'd nearly killed himself sprinting here, he didn't for a moment regret doing so. "Have you asked Fuji about it? Maybe someone in his family picked it up, or knows where it--"

But Eiji was already shaking his head. "Fuji says he didn't see him anywhere before they left. And...and I know it's stupid to get so upset over something like this, but I've had him forever and it's like my room isn't the same without him in it and--"

Before he could stop himself, he had stepped forward and taken Eiji gently by the arms. "Iya, I understand," he said quietly, and Eiji looked up at him with sad, hopeful eyes. "And it's not stupid. After so many years, of course you would be attached to him."

Eiji sniffled and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Nyaaa, Oishi, what am I gonna do?"

His hands, he realized, were still wrapped loosely over Eiji's arms, but for some reason it didn't feel like the right moment to remove them. Instead he tightened his grip, just enough to get Eiji's attention, to show him that he was serious about this. "Where was it that Fuji took you camping?"

"Eiji!" His voice was triumphant, ringing through the stillness of the woods, cresting even over the sound of crunching leaves from underfoot. "Eiji, I found him!"

Eiji had been searching the other end of the campsite, sifting through the brush with careful hands, but at Oishi's words, he stood straight up and spun around. His mouth opened as if to ask something, but whatever it was must have been answered by the sight of his teddy bear held aloft in Oishi's hand, speckled with leaves and twigs but otherwise undamaged.

Suddenly Eiji was sprinting towards him, the leafy carpet exploding into sound as he moved, and before Oishi could prepare himself, Eiji had launched himself into his arms and was hugging him tightly, squishing the teddy bear between them.

"Waaaiii, waiiii, you found him, you found him! Oishi, you found him! Thank you, nya!"

The force of the impact had actually knocked him off his feet, leaving him sitting in a bed of dried leaves with Eiji clinging to his chest. He would have spent a few moments feeling awkward about that fact, but the obligatory emotions seemed out of place against Eiji's perfect, innocent happiness.

Instead, he grinned and wrapped his arms around his friend's shoulders, giving them a brief squeeze in return. "Hai, he was right over here, behind the pile of firewood."

Before he had even finished speaking, Eiji had released him and was prying the bear out from between them, holding the stuffed animal in front of him for inspection. The next few minutes were spent picking various bits of nature from the bear's fur, a project Oishi gladly took part in--it took his attention away from other things, such as the fact that Eiji was still basically sitting on his lap as he worked.

Finally, the job was done; the bear looked as good as new, and Oishi watched with a warm feeling in his chest as Eiji hugged the bear close, eyes falling shut in an expression of utter joy and relief. He was quiet for a long time, just holding onto the stuffed animal, before his eyes slid open and he said softly, "Na, Oishi..."

"Hai?"

Eiji's voice was very quiet, and as he spoke, his hand petted gently at the bear's head, smoothing through the soft brown fur. "When I was little, I was really scared to be alone in my room at night. My baka brothers were always telling me ghost stories when my mom was in the other room, and so I got really scared that the ghosts were gonna come out and get me when I went to bed."

Eiji took a deep breath before continuing. "When I told my mom what was bothering me, she told me that I didn't have anything to be afraid of...but I was still scared. So the next day, she went and bought me this bear, and put him in my room so he could be there to watch over me, and to protect me from anything that might come in and try to hurt me."

Eiji's eyes flickered up to meet his, and the look in them was hesitant and almost shy. "And nya, I know that she was just making it up so I'd go to sleep. Teddy bears can't really keep you safe. But...but I guess that even though I know better now, I still...I still kind of feel like I'm only really safe if he's in my room with me."

The eyes were begging now, pleading with him to understand, to not laugh or think it was silly.

Oishi kept his face carefully serious as he reached forward and, very gently, plucked the bear out of Eiji's arms. While Eiji frowned at him, he turned the stuffed animal around until they were nose to nose, and all he could see were the round black eyes and a mass of brown fur.

"Teddy bear-san, arrigato," he said softly, and bowed his head slightly to the bear. "Arrigato...for taking such good care of Eiji for all these years."

Eiji's eyebrow lifted in clear question of Oishi's sanity. "Nya, Oishi...he didn't really take care of me."

Oishi smiled and returned the bear. "Hai, but he kept you from being afraid. That should count for something, ne?"

Eiji stared at him for a long moment, blinking slowly. When he smiled, it wasn't the 1000 watt grin Oishi was used to, but something softer, warmer, more real. "Hai."

He's still standing there with the bear in his hands when the attic door squeaks open. The footsteps on the stairs are light and quick, but they slow as they near the top; neither of them are as young as they used to be. He knows he should turn around, leaving the bear and its dusty memories in the box where they belong, but for some reason he can't bring himself to do it. And so it is that he's still standing there, motionless and lost in the past, when the footsteps come to a slow halt behind him, and he feels warm, slender arms wrap around his chest from behind.

Eiji's chin settles onto his shoulder, and he feels a whisper of breath on his cheek as the other man speaks.

"Na, Oishi...I could hear you worrying from all the way downstairs."

Oishi can't help but smile, and lets the hand with the teddy bear drop to his side. "Gomen. I was trying to do it quietly."

Eiji presses a soft kiss to his jaw, and the arms around him grow a bit more snug. Eiji's voice is soft and low, settled into its Serious Mode. "Thinking about him again, ne?"

Oishi blinks and glances back at him, a confused frown on his face. "Thinking about who?"

Eiji's smile is warm and mysterious. "You know. Him. That red-headed chibi you used to play tennis with. Kikumaru something..."

Oishi smiles, thinking that over all the years, over all the changes they've gone through, Eiji still has the same bizarre sense of humor. "Hai, I think I remember him."

He turns, suddenly wanting to really look at Eiji, and finds himself tracing the familiar features with eyes still hazy with memory. The hair is still red, but is a shade darker and much shorter, curling under his ears and at the base of his neck. The face is handsome instead of "cute," having lost its boyish roundness, and even after so much time, Oishi still finds himself thinking that there is something inexplicably empty about Eiji's right cheek without the band-aid to cover it.

But the eyes...the eyes are still the same. He can still look into them and see the boy he fell in love with--the boy who was his partner when life was warm and simple and golden...and who still is now, when there are taxes to file and house payments to make and nights when he comes home exhausted at two AM from double shifts at the hospital.

"I love you," he says suddenly, because he doesn't say it often enough, and right then it's achingly true.

Eiji smiles. It's not the brilliant, face-splitting grin he remembers, but the warm, real smile he saw only handful of times in their youth. "Mou, Oishi, you're still such a sap," he says fondly, and leans forward to bring their lips together in a slow kiss that makes Oishi's entire body tingle.

When they separate, Eiji's eyes finally focus on the stuffed animal clutched in Oishi's hand, and Oishi watches as the other man's face goes soft with memory. "My teddy bear," he murmurs, and reaches out to graze the matted fur with his fingers.

Oishi watches him for a few seconds before he draws breath to speak. "Ne, Eiji..."

"Hm? Nani?"

He swallows. There's a distinct possibility that what he's about to say is going to sound completely idiotic and ridiculous, but something in him needs to know, and won't be satisfied until he does.

"When did you stop needing him in your room?"

Eiji understands what he means, he can tell by the amused glint to his eyes, but of course it would be against his principles to make this easy on him. "Hm? Needing who?"

"The bear," he replies, feeling stupid but figuring he's come too far to turn back now. "You told me before that you needed him in your room, and that you didn't feel safe without him there. I just...I wondered when you stopped needing him."

Eiji looks at him as if he's utterly insane. "Baaaka," he says softly. "When do you think?"

It's only then that he remembers, the last time it was that he saw the bear. It was in Eiji's apartment twelve years ago, just before they moved in together. He remembers standing, unnoticed, in the doorway of the bedroom, and watching as Eiji rubbed an affectionate hand over the bear's head, then kissed him quickly on the nose and lowered him into a box.

He didn't realize, then, that it was a goodbye.

"Do you ever miss him?"

The words fall from his lips before he can stop them, and he finds himself looking at Eiji with eyes that feel strangely vulnerable, begging him not to laugh at him or think that he's being silly. He is being silly, and he knows it, but something about the question seems important to him, and so he lets it stand.

Eiji reaches out to take his hand. As their fingers intertwine, and their mouths meet softly in the air between them, the bear slips from Oishi's grasp and falls with a muffled thud to the floor.

Eiji never does answer him, but Oishi finds that he doesn't really mind.

japanese glossary:

iya - no
hai - yes
daijobu - it's all right / i'm all right / are you all right?
hoi / nya - eiji's nonsense words
gomen - sorry
na/ne - hey
ne? - right?
mou - (exasperation) geez...
wai! - yay!
arrigato - thank you
-san - honorific, attached to the end of a name to imply respect
chibi - kid
nani? - what?
baka - idiot / stupid

notes: written in response to NekoNezumi's fic challenge: Something terrible happens to Eiji's teddy bear; Oishi receives a tearful phone call and fears the worst!