A little festive fic to get you into the christmas spirit. Or, something to do when you should be doing something else.

'That turkey's a bit small Neil.' Said Mike, eyeing the roasting tin.

'That's not a turkey, Mike.' Replied the hippy.

'What is it then?'

'It's a pigeon.'

'A pigeon?'

'Yeah, we didn't have enough money for a turkey, and I found this one lying in the gutter on my way back from the shops.'

'There's not very much Christmassy about a pigeon Neil.' Said Rick, getting up from the sofa and approaching the table.

'Well, it's got a beard.'

'Neil, that's mould!' Rick exclaimed.

'Oh yeah. Anyway, what are you complaining about Rick, its only Mike and Vyvyan that are gonna be eating it anyway.'

'Its only Vyvyan that's gonna be eating it anyway.' Corrected Mike. 'Mike Thecoolperson does NOT eat pigeon.'

'Where is Vyvyan anyway?' Asked Rick. 'He went out for the Christmas tree hours ago.'

'Well, its probably taken him a while to find a house with no-one home.'

They were shortly alerted to Vyvyan's presence by his inconsistently-toned shouting from outside. 'Well its mine now, ya bastard!'

He kicked the door open and threw a fully-decorated tree through. He followed is swiftly, with armfuls of stolen presents and a Santa had balancing on his spiky hair.

'I got 'em Mike' he panted.

'Good work Vyv. What have we got?'

'Well.' He said. 'I found a lovely dolly for Rick.'

'Ooh!' said Rick. As he was inspecting it, Vyvyan continued. 'Now you can see what girls look like naked girls without getting a detention for sneaking into the wrong PE changing room.'

'Yeah, tha-' Rick realised what had been said, and the looks the other lads were giving him. 'Oh, I, um,' he stammered hopelessly. 'What would I want with a doll, Vyvyan? Boys don't play with dolls, and I'm a boy! Least, I was the last time I checked!' he finished, sniggering.

'Yeah, you do a lot of 'checking', don't you Rick?' Vyvyan sneered in return. 'You've only had that bed six months, and already the springs are knackered from all your 'checking''

Rick, having no reply to this, pinched Vyvyan's arm. Vyvyan punched him in the face and continued.

'And I found this for Neil.' He pulled a frying pan out of a box, which had had its wrapping paper torn off by the deranged punk, and brought it down strongly onto Neil's head.

Neil, having now joined Rick on the floor, said 'oh wow, thanks Vyv man, I need a new pan!'

'You're welcome Neil.' He produced Mike's present. 'Here Mike – it took me a long time to find that.'

Mike opened the gift card. Inside was a voucher for two hours at Madame Pleasure's Massage Parlour.

'Oh, nice one Vyv!' he walked over to the telephone to book a time.

'And finally,' Vyvyan finished, pulling a large curved dagger from inside his jacket. 'A little something for me.

'Oi! Where's my present, ya bastard!' yelled SPG, from his position atop the fridge.

'Its outside!' bellowed Vyvyan, drop-kicking the hamster out the kitchen window. He turned back towards his flatmates.

'Merry Christmas everyone!'

Please review, and have a Merry Christmas!