AUTHOR: Lesley-Ann
TITLE: If You're Gone
DEDICATION: It's for Ozmandayus. Cause he likes stalkers (or he's terrified of me, which is also oddly pleasing)
SUMMARY: A marriage proposal makes Buffy think. Hard. And continuously.
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon owns. Read my profile - I'm not Joss Whedon. In other words, I don't own 'Buffy…' Then why am I doing this, you ask? *laughs darkly *
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Takes place in the future. It's not a song-fic, but the title is from a Matchbox twenty song (again - I don't own it)
FEEDBACK: Would make me very happy.
************************
"Marry me?"
Life is strange. Clichéd, I know. If I were still in high-school, my marks would plummet for even _thinking _ something that unoriginal. But I'm not in high-school. Not even in college. And life _is _ strange.
A couple of hundred years ago, when I screamed his name over the sound of a helicopter till I was hoarse, I never would have believed that this would happen. That at thirty, I'd be listening to Riley propose to me. A slightly altered Riley. An older and sadder and one divorce wiser Riley. Of course he's not the only one who's changed.
If someone had bothered to tell me, back when it mattered, that the Hellmouth was the only thing holding my life together…I don't think there are words strong enough to describe the disbelief I would have felt. Ironic…that the one thing I spent so much time fighting against…was what I _needed _ most of all. I used to think destiny - being chosen…was a curse. Because if I wasn't the Slayer, I could have tried the 'normal' thing. Dated and moaned about tests, and maybe given a little more thought to a post-school career. Never occurred to me that I wouldn't _want _ normal, when it was handed to me. See, normal means…change. Moving out, moving on, moving away. Losing. And leaving.
I was actually pretty excited when I found out first. That's an understatement. I was ecstatic. Floating. And a little indignant. I mean, you'd think _someone _ _somewhere _ would have figured out that Hellmouths have a limited shelf-life. Mentioned it in one of those huge vellum-covered prophecy books with the funny fs.
But no. Left it up to us, twenty-first century Scooby gang, to figure it out. And it took us long enough. At first it didn't really register…I had a vague idea that there were fewer vamps around than there used to be…easily defeated, sure, but I figured that was down to me…And suddenly, one day it hit. We realised that we hadn't had ourselves a big ole world-domination scheme to crush in what felt like forever. Which caught our interest. Led to mucho research…which in turn led Giles to cautiously put forward the theory that the Hellmouth was - winding down.
Turns out Hellmouth's are like volcanoes. They take years, decades to form. Then - brief, intensely active period slipping into dormancy…slipping into extinction. Giles pushed up his glasses and tutted in a Watchery way. We should have known, he said. Obviously, if the Hellmouth had been active since the beginning…Sunnydale and it's people would have long since disappeared. It had taken the best part of a century, maybe more, before it reached the active stage. Which was where I came in. A couple of years of intense supernatural action, and the Hellmouth was going to sleep.
I never thought it would be so simple. When I let myself think about it, in the darkness of my room, I saw…violence. And pain. And sacrifice. And a final ending. Not this easy, gradual - halt.
And at first, I was…shining…with happiness. And it was good. Hanging out with the gang. Laughter clear and pure. No worries about world-endage to pollute it. And we came to accept that this _wasn't _ the calm before the storm - the Hellmouth _was _ slowing down. Stopped waiting for the big cosmic punchline.
And then…it started. It - made sense. I mean, there was no reason for Willow to stay. No big spells, no life-threatening danger to avert…she was wasting her talent in Sunnydale. Really, even I saw that. So when she decided to spread her wings, it was no big deal. Wasn't like we were never gonna see each other again or anything. No big scenes or apologies. All of us, acting like it was the most natural thing in the world. Which it was.
It just…made me pause for a bit. Made me feel a bit…uncomfortable. Willow was moving away. And she called and visited…but things had changed. And I knew. Icy little tingles down my spine.
And it didn't happen overnight. Took such a long time my panic almost lulled. Until Giles occasional visits to England lengthened. And it became ordinary, accepted that he spent half his time there, half in Sunnydale. And then…well, it was a little ridiculous shuttling backwards and forwards, wasn't it? I mean, the Hellmouth was effectively closed down, and I didn't _need _ him, now did I?
And I smiled, and eased his mind. Teased and congratulated the slightly worried look out of his eyes. I wanted him to be happy, after all. And he was right…in a way.
Dawn…swore she wasn't going to grace UC Sunnydale with her presence. Kept that promise. And then some. The world's an exciting place for her. I can taste it in her voice on the telephone. Thinks she can pull off the bored sophistication routine, but underneath, there's such enthusiasm. Which is why she still hasn't settled down. Restless, moving around, wanting to experience it all…
And we're still close. Closer than close. All of us - we're _family _. Distance can't change that. But things have changed.
****************************
And it's not all bad. We meet up pretty often, though the last time we were _all _ together, was to stop a group of fanatical demons trying to restore the Hellmouth to it's former power. There's always some nostalgic fiend…Which is why I stay, really. Just in case. And…it gives me some sense of purpose..
Now that Xander's leaving, it'll be even harder to arrange visits. Xander. Leaving. The reason for this sudden introspection that has nothing to do with Riley. And even though I knew it was gonna happen someday it still hit like a baseball bat to the back of my knees when he said the words.
*****************************
"Think Riley would prefer the blue or the red?" I asked, holding up my two dress options.
"Um, blue. I'm leaving," blank statement of fact.
"O-kay. I hear dress selection has that effect on most guys," I replied, but under the joke, I knew.
"Yeah…I meant in the actual 'Goodbye Sunnyhell, so long suckers' sense of the word."
I sat down on the bed. "Oh. Where?"
"England. Construction company's expanding, want a couple of us to go overseas. Help set up…show the new guys the ropes."
"Wow. Congratulations. You must be really excited," I said quietly.
He shrugged calmly. "It'll be a change."
***********************
It'll be a change. It wasn't even like he was swept up in enthusiastic plans and dreams. Which made it harder to pretend. He was abnormally organised and composed about the whole thing. It'll be a change. Like it didn't really matter if he left. Just different - more Giles-y, less Buffy scenery, after all.
He wouldn't even hear of me cancelling Riley's pre-planned visit to see him off at the airport. It didn't matter, he'd call as soon as he arrived, we'd see each other in a couple of months, he'd hate to disrupt my plans.
"Xand - honestly, I don't mind! It's not a disruption…you're _leaving _. Riley'll understand. Seriously, let me do the airport farewell thing."
"Nah - I'm good, Buff. You guys had this organised _way _ before I dropped my little bombshell. You guys deserve some alone time…you don't get to do enough gloppy couple stuff."
*******************************
It's true. About the couple stuff. Not that I'm not serious about Riley. We both know where the relationship is headed. Knew that since we bumped into one another at that wedding a year ago. As the x-times removed cousin of a not-that-big family, I had to do the Summers representative thing. Took Xander and easily deflected all the smug-married 'When's it gonna be your turn, honey?' questions.
And Riley was there, because of some weird, 'six degrees of Kevin Bacon' connection. And we got talking. I sympathised about the divorce, he congratulated me on the Hellmouth. And Xander gave the two thumbs up from behind Riley when my phone number was asked for.
And Riley called. Knew he would. And we started…restarted?…our relationship. Which I expected from the second he asked for my number. Riley doesn't play around. When he begins something, it's important.
At the same time…he's realistic. More realistic after ten years and a divorce. He knows exactly what I'm ready to give him. And he's prepared to accept that.
The others didn't accept it. That's part of why they left.
***********************
See, I couldn't _give _ myself to them. Not all of myself. Believe me, I loved them, but there was always some part of me…that was reserved for me. Call it part of the Slayer package if you want. You have to be able to get out there and fight, no matter who's by your side…or not, as the case may be.
So you can call it a Slayer-attribute. Except that it isn't. It's part of Buffy Summers. The Buffy Summers who _did _ give her heart and mind and soul to someone once. He's still working off the excess guilt from _that _ fun little experience. And giving all of myself…didn't stop him leaving, did it? Just made it hurt more when he did.
So I didn't give my whole self again. Because I had it all figured out. Lovers leave, and friends drift apart, and parents grow old and die. People end up leaving whatever you do. And I made sure I could get by if they did.
Got through the first year of college, when Willow was asking sexual identity questions and not-telling-me about it until crisis point arose.
Got through a large part of the second year of college, without telling Willow or Xander about the Dawn-dilemma. I could handle stuff on my own.
Got through mom's sickness without leaning on Riley. And when he left…I didn't need any guy.
Ironic thing is…the whole distancing thing - speeds up the leaving process. When people know you can manage without them, that you're holding back…what's the motivation for staying?
Xander clung on for the longest time, though. Such a long time, smiling warmly at me, hope in his eyes. Hope that didn't have any reason for being there, because the boundaries of 'us' were clearly defined. I made sure of that. I didn't lead him on. He means too much to me for me to do that. And I mean too much to him for him to be satisfied with what I could offer. Xander would want it all - heart and mind, body and soul, if we went down that path.
Looking at it like that, it seems obvious that he would leave. That that hope of me being complete, with _someone _, would dim and he would look at me in that new way he has since telling me he's leaving. With resignation.
Which hurts. I never knew how much the hope meant to me. That someone else saw a chance for wholeness in me. And now, it's gone. _He's _ gone. Only thing he could do.
Which even Dawn could see. Warned me about.
*******************
Trip up to visit Dawn in college, and Xander had gone for petrol. Dawn and I were in the middle of a perfectly normal bickering discussion, when out of left-field -
"So, when are you gonna make an honest man out of Xand?"
Laughter cut short as I realised she was serious.
"Xander? We're not"-
"Yeah. Sure," she returned in disbelief. "You're the only reason he's still in Sunnydale. You _know _ that."
"I didn't ask him to stay."
"But he did. Don't you think you should - I don't know…take it further? Make it official?"
"Just because he's still here, and I'm still here - it doesn't mean we have to hook up. I won't use Xander just because he happens to be convenient."
"So don't use him," she said bluntly. Like it was easy. I sighed, and she shifted into sister mode.
"I worry about you, you know," she said softly, stroking my hair like I used to stroke hers.
"You do?"
She rolled her eyes. "Not all the time or anything. But sometimes, yeah. I mean, you're getting pretty old"-
I pushed her. "I am _not _ that old!"
"I just don't want you to be lonely," she said earnestly. I was silent. "And if you keep pushing Xander away…he's gonna leave. And you're not gonna realise how much you need him till it's too late."
*************************
I thought I was the one with the occasional visions of the future. Turns out it's a family characteristic.
And maybe it would be easier if things had been as simple as Dawn and I had claimed. Let him in, or shut him out completely. If I hadn't gone down the middle road.
**********************
The first almost was in the car, being tested on the rules of the road. Took forever until I was ready to pass the driving test.
Warm day, even with the windows open, the car was hot. Scent of the lavender air-freshener in the air. And Xander was asking me road questions and checking the answers. Except…
"…and that is how I would execute a three point turn," I finished triumphantly, when I realised Xander hadn't checked the book.
"You're not looking!" I accused.
"Sure I am."
"No you're not. You haven't even turned the" -
"I'm looking."
Small little smile, and he was kissing me. Pulling back questioningly for a moment, and he didn't ask, and I didn't answer, but we were kissing again.
*****************************
That was probably where it all got shot to hell. Not that things particularly changed afterwards. Maybe they could have, but they never really did. Timing was never quite right, and things never quite clicked.
So we continued, friends, sometimes a little more, never making that final leap. I made sure we never did. Because I cared about him. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but I didn't want Xander to have to _settle _ when I couldn't give him what he deserved.
******************************
The one time it really almost clicked…it was when we sold the house. Dawn came down to say goodbye. Stay one last time…remember what life used to be like.
We had a big memory-exchanging session which only ended when Dawn fell asleep from exhaustion. And then Xander and I went for a walk. Much more at ease about walking after dark than either of us could remember being.
"Buff, you okay?"
I sighed. "Yeah. I just…it's weird. Like when Giles sold his place. Makes it feel like everything's over. I just feel…like I'm selling part of me. Part of mom."
"You know that's not true."
"Feels like it though."
We stopped outside his place. "Joyce would be proud of you."
I said quietly, "I hope so."
"I know so." No-nonsense voice.
I smiled. "Thanks Xand."
Hesitation. Then… "Do you want to come in?". Tone I couldn't mistake.
I paused. Actually considered it. _Really _ considered it.
I cleared my throat. Kept my voice light. "Dawn is" -
"Twenty-three."
"Still, I should get…back to her. She might worry." Ignore the fact that Dawn was sound asleep when we left and likely to stay that way.
"Okay. Your call." Expression I couldn't read on his face. Door closing, and Dawn still asleep when I got back.
*****************************
And he seemed to deal okay with my decision. No big angry scenes. No jealousy of Riley, for whatever reason. I don't know.
Riley. The guy I'm here with, while Xander waits for his flight. And it shouldn't feel…like this. Riley is the right choice. The only choice. He's so simple - he says what he means. No drama, no undertones.
"Marry me."
There. Just bringing everything into the open. Saying what he wants. Nothing more, nothing less.
Although maybe that's not true. It's where I went wrong before…thinking Riley was straightforward, uncomplicated. Which is why I answer his question with the one word I never thought I'd be using.
"Why?"
and maybe there is a hidden subtext because he pauses like that's the most natural thing for me to say, and he has an answer.
"She asked…if there was still a chance for us. Said she wanted to come back. Make it work."
No need to ask who she is.
"And you want to," more statement than question.
"I'm with you."
Not exactly a denial. But that's Riley. Straight as an arrow in all his dealings. He's with me…shouldn't even think of going back to her, even if it's what he secretly wants.
"Marry me?"
And _that's _ when it hits. The strange desperation in his eyes. The 'I need _something _, it might as well be you' look.
And I know it's not enough, though I thought it would be. Because I _need _ more. I _had _ more. Until Xander decided to leave, I had something beautiful and worthwhile.
Hope in someone's eyes, instead of despair.
And it had happened, somewhere along the way. Where I didn't know, but it had. Heart and soul, mind and body. Given away. Let him in, without realising.
Which means -
"No. I-I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I'm talking half to myself, who am I apologising to?
"I-I thought…" Lost, forlorn voice.
"I did too - but it's not enough, and I can't-I can't make it do. I don't want to try."
"I see." Flat tone.
Clenched jaw and I can't stay here any more. I should be at the airport, doing the farewell thing. I _have _ to be at the airport.
Grabbing my coat. "I'm sorry Riley. I really am. You should call her - try again. I'm sorry. I have to go."
Garbled incoherently, and I can't even look back to see his reaction.
*****************************
Driving fast, watching the road being swallowed up under the car wheels. A hundred memories sweeping through my mind. Isolated moments, smiles, soundbites of conversation, trooping through my mind. And it hurts to breathe because - they're not enough. Never enough.
Because I've finally figured out what makes it worthwhile - even if people leave. Love. It's not having taken love when it's offered that kills you.
And I don't want to think about that, because I have to concentrate on the road if I'm ever gonna get there in time.
Country music coming from the car stereo.
*Read about you in a foreign novel, saw you once in a Williams play, heard about you in a country love song, Summer night nearly took my breath away… *
Xander's birthday gift a couple of years ago. Broke at the time, for whatever reason, so I got the classic joke-gift. Never meant to be taken seriously, never meant for my listening pleasure.
Which is why no-one must _ever _ know of it's car-trip sing-along status. Especially not Dawn. That little fact would confirm my old-fogey status.
Just one more of an increasing number of Xander-things to fixate on.
**************************
And time keeps on slipping by, too fast, but I can't focus on that when I'm at the airport, and it's too late and I know that even as I'm running. It's too late, the plane is gone, but I have to try, because you have to try. If I don't try, I'm not worth whatever he used to feel for me.
So I'm running, forcing my feet to move, knowing he's gone. Because that's the way it's supposed to be, right? That's how it ends in all the movies. All the sitcoms. Books. It's an accepted convention. Hero/heroine misses loved one's plane by the skin of their teeth, stands hopelessly in the terminal for a few minutes and returns home sadder and wiser.
Xander's never been one for following conventions, so I shouldn't be surprised when I'm told that his plane has been delayed for two hours.
But I am surprised. Heart pounding in my ears, thumping hard in my chest, looking around wildly, feet stumbling over suitcases, pushing through people…and catching sight of him. Trying to decide what kind of chocolate to buy from the tiny shop.
Not even noticing me until I tap his shoulder. Whirling around suddenly.
"Buffy?! Buff - what're you doing here?"
"Xander…"
And I can't help it, it's all spilling out, and I can't _stop _ it. Big gasping sobs and I can't stop shaking. Can hardly even breathe.
"Buffy…Buffy, are you okay - what's wrong?…What is it? Tell me."
Worried voice, concern dark in his eyes, and whatever I had planned on saying…if I had planned anything at all, goes right out the window.
Gulping in air, wiping my nose on my sleeve, I manage to choke it out. The word. The scary word that means…whether he realises it or not…heart-and-mind-body-and-soul.
"Stay?"
TITLE: If You're Gone
DEDICATION: It's for Ozmandayus. Cause he likes stalkers (or he's terrified of me, which is also oddly pleasing)
SUMMARY: A marriage proposal makes Buffy think. Hard. And continuously.
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon owns. Read my profile - I'm not Joss Whedon. In other words, I don't own 'Buffy…' Then why am I doing this, you ask? *laughs darkly *
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Takes place in the future. It's not a song-fic, but the title is from a Matchbox twenty song (again - I don't own it)
FEEDBACK: Would make me very happy.
************************
"Marry me?"
Life is strange. Clichéd, I know. If I were still in high-school, my marks would plummet for even _thinking _ something that unoriginal. But I'm not in high-school. Not even in college. And life _is _ strange.
A couple of hundred years ago, when I screamed his name over the sound of a helicopter till I was hoarse, I never would have believed that this would happen. That at thirty, I'd be listening to Riley propose to me. A slightly altered Riley. An older and sadder and one divorce wiser Riley. Of course he's not the only one who's changed.
If someone had bothered to tell me, back when it mattered, that the Hellmouth was the only thing holding my life together…I don't think there are words strong enough to describe the disbelief I would have felt. Ironic…that the one thing I spent so much time fighting against…was what I _needed _ most of all. I used to think destiny - being chosen…was a curse. Because if I wasn't the Slayer, I could have tried the 'normal' thing. Dated and moaned about tests, and maybe given a little more thought to a post-school career. Never occurred to me that I wouldn't _want _ normal, when it was handed to me. See, normal means…change. Moving out, moving on, moving away. Losing. And leaving.
I was actually pretty excited when I found out first. That's an understatement. I was ecstatic. Floating. And a little indignant. I mean, you'd think _someone _ _somewhere _ would have figured out that Hellmouths have a limited shelf-life. Mentioned it in one of those huge vellum-covered prophecy books with the funny fs.
But no. Left it up to us, twenty-first century Scooby gang, to figure it out. And it took us long enough. At first it didn't really register…I had a vague idea that there were fewer vamps around than there used to be…easily defeated, sure, but I figured that was down to me…And suddenly, one day it hit. We realised that we hadn't had ourselves a big ole world-domination scheme to crush in what felt like forever. Which caught our interest. Led to mucho research…which in turn led Giles to cautiously put forward the theory that the Hellmouth was - winding down.
Turns out Hellmouth's are like volcanoes. They take years, decades to form. Then - brief, intensely active period slipping into dormancy…slipping into extinction. Giles pushed up his glasses and tutted in a Watchery way. We should have known, he said. Obviously, if the Hellmouth had been active since the beginning…Sunnydale and it's people would have long since disappeared. It had taken the best part of a century, maybe more, before it reached the active stage. Which was where I came in. A couple of years of intense supernatural action, and the Hellmouth was going to sleep.
I never thought it would be so simple. When I let myself think about it, in the darkness of my room, I saw…violence. And pain. And sacrifice. And a final ending. Not this easy, gradual - halt.
And at first, I was…shining…with happiness. And it was good. Hanging out with the gang. Laughter clear and pure. No worries about world-endage to pollute it. And we came to accept that this _wasn't _ the calm before the storm - the Hellmouth _was _ slowing down. Stopped waiting for the big cosmic punchline.
And then…it started. It - made sense. I mean, there was no reason for Willow to stay. No big spells, no life-threatening danger to avert…she was wasting her talent in Sunnydale. Really, even I saw that. So when she decided to spread her wings, it was no big deal. Wasn't like we were never gonna see each other again or anything. No big scenes or apologies. All of us, acting like it was the most natural thing in the world. Which it was.
It just…made me pause for a bit. Made me feel a bit…uncomfortable. Willow was moving away. And she called and visited…but things had changed. And I knew. Icy little tingles down my spine.
And it didn't happen overnight. Took such a long time my panic almost lulled. Until Giles occasional visits to England lengthened. And it became ordinary, accepted that he spent half his time there, half in Sunnydale. And then…well, it was a little ridiculous shuttling backwards and forwards, wasn't it? I mean, the Hellmouth was effectively closed down, and I didn't _need _ him, now did I?
And I smiled, and eased his mind. Teased and congratulated the slightly worried look out of his eyes. I wanted him to be happy, after all. And he was right…in a way.
Dawn…swore she wasn't going to grace UC Sunnydale with her presence. Kept that promise. And then some. The world's an exciting place for her. I can taste it in her voice on the telephone. Thinks she can pull off the bored sophistication routine, but underneath, there's such enthusiasm. Which is why she still hasn't settled down. Restless, moving around, wanting to experience it all…
And we're still close. Closer than close. All of us - we're _family _. Distance can't change that. But things have changed.
****************************
And it's not all bad. We meet up pretty often, though the last time we were _all _ together, was to stop a group of fanatical demons trying to restore the Hellmouth to it's former power. There's always some nostalgic fiend…Which is why I stay, really. Just in case. And…it gives me some sense of purpose..
Now that Xander's leaving, it'll be even harder to arrange visits. Xander. Leaving. The reason for this sudden introspection that has nothing to do with Riley. And even though I knew it was gonna happen someday it still hit like a baseball bat to the back of my knees when he said the words.
*****************************
"Think Riley would prefer the blue or the red?" I asked, holding up my two dress options.
"Um, blue. I'm leaving," blank statement of fact.
"O-kay. I hear dress selection has that effect on most guys," I replied, but under the joke, I knew.
"Yeah…I meant in the actual 'Goodbye Sunnyhell, so long suckers' sense of the word."
I sat down on the bed. "Oh. Where?"
"England. Construction company's expanding, want a couple of us to go overseas. Help set up…show the new guys the ropes."
"Wow. Congratulations. You must be really excited," I said quietly.
He shrugged calmly. "It'll be a change."
***********************
It'll be a change. It wasn't even like he was swept up in enthusiastic plans and dreams. Which made it harder to pretend. He was abnormally organised and composed about the whole thing. It'll be a change. Like it didn't really matter if he left. Just different - more Giles-y, less Buffy scenery, after all.
He wouldn't even hear of me cancelling Riley's pre-planned visit to see him off at the airport. It didn't matter, he'd call as soon as he arrived, we'd see each other in a couple of months, he'd hate to disrupt my plans.
"Xand - honestly, I don't mind! It's not a disruption…you're _leaving _. Riley'll understand. Seriously, let me do the airport farewell thing."
"Nah - I'm good, Buff. You guys had this organised _way _ before I dropped my little bombshell. You guys deserve some alone time…you don't get to do enough gloppy couple stuff."
*******************************
It's true. About the couple stuff. Not that I'm not serious about Riley. We both know where the relationship is headed. Knew that since we bumped into one another at that wedding a year ago. As the x-times removed cousin of a not-that-big family, I had to do the Summers representative thing. Took Xander and easily deflected all the smug-married 'When's it gonna be your turn, honey?' questions.
And Riley was there, because of some weird, 'six degrees of Kevin Bacon' connection. And we got talking. I sympathised about the divorce, he congratulated me on the Hellmouth. And Xander gave the two thumbs up from behind Riley when my phone number was asked for.
And Riley called. Knew he would. And we started…restarted?…our relationship. Which I expected from the second he asked for my number. Riley doesn't play around. When he begins something, it's important.
At the same time…he's realistic. More realistic after ten years and a divorce. He knows exactly what I'm ready to give him. And he's prepared to accept that.
The others didn't accept it. That's part of why they left.
***********************
See, I couldn't _give _ myself to them. Not all of myself. Believe me, I loved them, but there was always some part of me…that was reserved for me. Call it part of the Slayer package if you want. You have to be able to get out there and fight, no matter who's by your side…or not, as the case may be.
So you can call it a Slayer-attribute. Except that it isn't. It's part of Buffy Summers. The Buffy Summers who _did _ give her heart and mind and soul to someone once. He's still working off the excess guilt from _that _ fun little experience. And giving all of myself…didn't stop him leaving, did it? Just made it hurt more when he did.
So I didn't give my whole self again. Because I had it all figured out. Lovers leave, and friends drift apart, and parents grow old and die. People end up leaving whatever you do. And I made sure I could get by if they did.
Got through the first year of college, when Willow was asking sexual identity questions and not-telling-me about it until crisis point arose.
Got through a large part of the second year of college, without telling Willow or Xander about the Dawn-dilemma. I could handle stuff on my own.
Got through mom's sickness without leaning on Riley. And when he left…I didn't need any guy.
Ironic thing is…the whole distancing thing - speeds up the leaving process. When people know you can manage without them, that you're holding back…what's the motivation for staying?
Xander clung on for the longest time, though. Such a long time, smiling warmly at me, hope in his eyes. Hope that didn't have any reason for being there, because the boundaries of 'us' were clearly defined. I made sure of that. I didn't lead him on. He means too much to me for me to do that. And I mean too much to him for him to be satisfied with what I could offer. Xander would want it all - heart and mind, body and soul, if we went down that path.
Looking at it like that, it seems obvious that he would leave. That that hope of me being complete, with _someone _, would dim and he would look at me in that new way he has since telling me he's leaving. With resignation.
Which hurts. I never knew how much the hope meant to me. That someone else saw a chance for wholeness in me. And now, it's gone. _He's _ gone. Only thing he could do.
Which even Dawn could see. Warned me about.
*******************
Trip up to visit Dawn in college, and Xander had gone for petrol. Dawn and I were in the middle of a perfectly normal bickering discussion, when out of left-field -
"So, when are you gonna make an honest man out of Xand?"
Laughter cut short as I realised she was serious.
"Xander? We're not"-
"Yeah. Sure," she returned in disbelief. "You're the only reason he's still in Sunnydale. You _know _ that."
"I didn't ask him to stay."
"But he did. Don't you think you should - I don't know…take it further? Make it official?"
"Just because he's still here, and I'm still here - it doesn't mean we have to hook up. I won't use Xander just because he happens to be convenient."
"So don't use him," she said bluntly. Like it was easy. I sighed, and she shifted into sister mode.
"I worry about you, you know," she said softly, stroking my hair like I used to stroke hers.
"You do?"
She rolled her eyes. "Not all the time or anything. But sometimes, yeah. I mean, you're getting pretty old"-
I pushed her. "I am _not _ that old!"
"I just don't want you to be lonely," she said earnestly. I was silent. "And if you keep pushing Xander away…he's gonna leave. And you're not gonna realise how much you need him till it's too late."
*************************
I thought I was the one with the occasional visions of the future. Turns out it's a family characteristic.
And maybe it would be easier if things had been as simple as Dawn and I had claimed. Let him in, or shut him out completely. If I hadn't gone down the middle road.
**********************
The first almost was in the car, being tested on the rules of the road. Took forever until I was ready to pass the driving test.
Warm day, even with the windows open, the car was hot. Scent of the lavender air-freshener in the air. And Xander was asking me road questions and checking the answers. Except…
"…and that is how I would execute a three point turn," I finished triumphantly, when I realised Xander hadn't checked the book.
"You're not looking!" I accused.
"Sure I am."
"No you're not. You haven't even turned the" -
"I'm looking."
Small little smile, and he was kissing me. Pulling back questioningly for a moment, and he didn't ask, and I didn't answer, but we were kissing again.
*****************************
That was probably where it all got shot to hell. Not that things particularly changed afterwards. Maybe they could have, but they never really did. Timing was never quite right, and things never quite clicked.
So we continued, friends, sometimes a little more, never making that final leap. I made sure we never did. Because I cared about him. Maybe that sounds ridiculous, but I didn't want Xander to have to _settle _ when I couldn't give him what he deserved.
******************************
The one time it really almost clicked…it was when we sold the house. Dawn came down to say goodbye. Stay one last time…remember what life used to be like.
We had a big memory-exchanging session which only ended when Dawn fell asleep from exhaustion. And then Xander and I went for a walk. Much more at ease about walking after dark than either of us could remember being.
"Buff, you okay?"
I sighed. "Yeah. I just…it's weird. Like when Giles sold his place. Makes it feel like everything's over. I just feel…like I'm selling part of me. Part of mom."
"You know that's not true."
"Feels like it though."
We stopped outside his place. "Joyce would be proud of you."
I said quietly, "I hope so."
"I know so." No-nonsense voice.
I smiled. "Thanks Xand."
Hesitation. Then… "Do you want to come in?". Tone I couldn't mistake.
I paused. Actually considered it. _Really _ considered it.
I cleared my throat. Kept my voice light. "Dawn is" -
"Twenty-three."
"Still, I should get…back to her. She might worry." Ignore the fact that Dawn was sound asleep when we left and likely to stay that way.
"Okay. Your call." Expression I couldn't read on his face. Door closing, and Dawn still asleep when I got back.
*****************************
And he seemed to deal okay with my decision. No big angry scenes. No jealousy of Riley, for whatever reason. I don't know.
Riley. The guy I'm here with, while Xander waits for his flight. And it shouldn't feel…like this. Riley is the right choice. The only choice. He's so simple - he says what he means. No drama, no undertones.
"Marry me."
There. Just bringing everything into the open. Saying what he wants. Nothing more, nothing less.
Although maybe that's not true. It's where I went wrong before…thinking Riley was straightforward, uncomplicated. Which is why I answer his question with the one word I never thought I'd be using.
"Why?"
and maybe there is a hidden subtext because he pauses like that's the most natural thing for me to say, and he has an answer.
"She asked…if there was still a chance for us. Said she wanted to come back. Make it work."
No need to ask who she is.
"And you want to," more statement than question.
"I'm with you."
Not exactly a denial. But that's Riley. Straight as an arrow in all his dealings. He's with me…shouldn't even think of going back to her, even if it's what he secretly wants.
"Marry me?"
And _that's _ when it hits. The strange desperation in his eyes. The 'I need _something _, it might as well be you' look.
And I know it's not enough, though I thought it would be. Because I _need _ more. I _had _ more. Until Xander decided to leave, I had something beautiful and worthwhile.
Hope in someone's eyes, instead of despair.
And it had happened, somewhere along the way. Where I didn't know, but it had. Heart and soul, mind and body. Given away. Let him in, without realising.
Which means -
"No. I-I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I'm talking half to myself, who am I apologising to?
"I-I thought…" Lost, forlorn voice.
"I did too - but it's not enough, and I can't-I can't make it do. I don't want to try."
"I see." Flat tone.
Clenched jaw and I can't stay here any more. I should be at the airport, doing the farewell thing. I _have _ to be at the airport.
Grabbing my coat. "I'm sorry Riley. I really am. You should call her - try again. I'm sorry. I have to go."
Garbled incoherently, and I can't even look back to see his reaction.
*****************************
Driving fast, watching the road being swallowed up under the car wheels. A hundred memories sweeping through my mind. Isolated moments, smiles, soundbites of conversation, trooping through my mind. And it hurts to breathe because - they're not enough. Never enough.
Because I've finally figured out what makes it worthwhile - even if people leave. Love. It's not having taken love when it's offered that kills you.
And I don't want to think about that, because I have to concentrate on the road if I'm ever gonna get there in time.
Country music coming from the car stereo.
*Read about you in a foreign novel, saw you once in a Williams play, heard about you in a country love song, Summer night nearly took my breath away… *
Xander's birthday gift a couple of years ago. Broke at the time, for whatever reason, so I got the classic joke-gift. Never meant to be taken seriously, never meant for my listening pleasure.
Which is why no-one must _ever _ know of it's car-trip sing-along status. Especially not Dawn. That little fact would confirm my old-fogey status.
Just one more of an increasing number of Xander-things to fixate on.
**************************
And time keeps on slipping by, too fast, but I can't focus on that when I'm at the airport, and it's too late and I know that even as I'm running. It's too late, the plane is gone, but I have to try, because you have to try. If I don't try, I'm not worth whatever he used to feel for me.
So I'm running, forcing my feet to move, knowing he's gone. Because that's the way it's supposed to be, right? That's how it ends in all the movies. All the sitcoms. Books. It's an accepted convention. Hero/heroine misses loved one's plane by the skin of their teeth, stands hopelessly in the terminal for a few minutes and returns home sadder and wiser.
Xander's never been one for following conventions, so I shouldn't be surprised when I'm told that his plane has been delayed for two hours.
But I am surprised. Heart pounding in my ears, thumping hard in my chest, looking around wildly, feet stumbling over suitcases, pushing through people…and catching sight of him. Trying to decide what kind of chocolate to buy from the tiny shop.
Not even noticing me until I tap his shoulder. Whirling around suddenly.
"Buffy?! Buff - what're you doing here?"
"Xander…"
And I can't help it, it's all spilling out, and I can't _stop _ it. Big gasping sobs and I can't stop shaking. Can hardly even breathe.
"Buffy…Buffy, are you okay - what's wrong?…What is it? Tell me."
Worried voice, concern dark in his eyes, and whatever I had planned on saying…if I had planned anything at all, goes right out the window.
Gulping in air, wiping my nose on my sleeve, I manage to choke it out. The word. The scary word that means…whether he realises it or not…heart-and-mind-body-and-soul.
"Stay?"