A strangled sob escaped Nellie Lovett's lips as she dragged the cool metal blade across her pale wrist, praying for the strength to push down harder, to finally end it.
She had stolen one of Sweeney's razors ages ago while he'd gone to the market for his supplies. She still couldn't believe he hadn't noticed one of his "friends" were missing.
Or maybe he knows and he's just waiting for me to off meself. He never did like me, never did care, Nellie thought bitterly.
She pulled the razor across the same light cut with more vigor, watching with awe as a thin line of red rose up in the blade's wake.
Precious rubies… Maybe that'll get 'is attention. Maybe 'e'll care about 'is damned razor dripping me "rubies."
In the far corners of her mind, Nellie knew that if she got too reckless with Sweeney's razors Sweeney or Toby would find out.
Toby would cry, try to help her, no doubt. He'd be concerned and want her to stop.
Sweeney wouldn't care except for the fact that she'd taken his razor. For that, he'd be angry. Otherwise, he wouldn't care at all.
And that would just kill her.
If Mr. Todd's "friend" don't kill me first, she thought with a morbid chuckle as she pressed against the cut on her wrist with her thumb and watched blood pool and drip from it.
It just hurts so damn much! All the bloody time! she thought desperately as a tear slid down her cheek. At least this takes me pain away fer a little while. Long enough fer me to let sleep claim me.
But she hated herself even more as she made her excuses.
She hated that she had been reduced to this, stealing a razor from the man she loved in order to feel something he'd touched against her skin.
She hated that she had to drag the perfect silver blade across her wrist to take away her pain long enough to succumb to her dreams.
She hated that, even as he hated her in her waking moments, she still dreamed of him.
And she hated that she knew he didn't care; that if she got too reckless and pressed too hard, the only thing he'd miss was the quick, effective way of hiding the bodies of his customers.
She whimpered, stubbornly holding back tears.
Oh, God… I love him so much. He's me whole bloody universe and I mean nothing' to 'im. Me world begins and ends wit' im, 'e's me sun and moon and every star. And I'm a blade of bloody grass to 'im. Easily replaceable, wouldn't be missed. All 'e cares about is 'is damned, perfect Lucy. 'Is Lucy wot's whorin' 'erself out ter all o' London.
An' I jus' let 'im control me life, jus' listen ter whatever 'e says. I know I'll never say anthin' to 'im. I'll jus' let 'im keep 'urtin' me. An' I deal wit' me pain by bloody stealin' one o' 'is razors jus' cause 'e 'eld it, jus' cause it's 'is.
Nellie dragged the blade harshly across her pale skin again, tracing the deep blue of her vein and watching the blood-the rubies-well up in the light cut.
She hid Sweeney's razor beneath her pillow before reaching to turn out the lamp and curling up against a pillow. She clutched her injured wrist to her breast as she closed her eyes, gratefully surrendering to exhaustion and her dreams of Sweeney Todd.