Gentle: 1. Mild and calm; not violent or rough
2. Mild mannered, not stern, coarse or violent
3. Light and soft; not harsh, loud, strong etc.
4. Moderate, mild.
5. Noble: of the upper classes (from French gentil, well-bred)
And then, scrawled in the margin in a painfully familiar hand, a number and a name.
6. Susan
...
I don't remember the dictionary leaving my hands. Nor do I recall the sound of it slamming against the wall. Or how long I sat, drowning in my misery. Running my hands along the bare worn floorboards, banging my head against the wall, eyes misted over, mind playing out memories like the pictures. Every precious memory; the good, the bad and the ugly. Only none of them are really bad or ugly, how could anything be bad or ugly be when they are involved. My beautiful, beautiful siblings.
Valiant. Just. Magnificent.
...
At some point, I crawled over and pick up the book, stare at the right hand corner of page 537. Run my fingers over the messy scrawl; press it to my cheek, my lips. I don't know why, just that I must, I must cling on to this. This smudged word, name, and accusation. Not once in my insufferable existence, have I ever damaged a book, not a finger print or a dog-ear or a drop of liquid. But I rip out the page with a force so fierce I nearly tear the page in two. For a moment I want to, a burning desire sweeps me. To tear this page into a thousand pieces of confetti, to screw it up and jump up and down on it, scatter the pieces far and wide so I never have to see this one word accusation ever again. But I don't.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply. And calmly, moderately, gently, tack it to the mirror, next to the picture of their smiling faces. I step back and look at the reminders of my foolishness. The photograph. The definition.I stand awhile, just looking. Then I turn and leave the room. I don't – I can't look back.