Where There's a Monster, There's a Miracle Chapter 1, a fruits basket fanfic

Notes, Disclaimers: All characters and situations used without permission for no profit. Spoilers for the whole Fruits Basket manga. Warnings: Swears, sexual situations, pregnancy. Title is a quote I saw in Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman

I could feel Ren's cold eyes on my midsection. I felt rage well up inside my chest. I hated my mother's eyes. Ren smirked and finally spoke. "I see that you and Shigure haven't been using anything. I guess you must think of the heir, as you certainly haven't held up your end of the bet, you useless, stupid child." I gritted my teeth. I remembered Shigure presenting me with a woman's kimono to celebrate the new me. The new me would not throw anything, even at someone as awful as my mother. I turned on my heel. "I see you're not feeling well…good-bye, mother". I was shaking with rage. Tohru made it sound so easy- just talk to her, kindly. But some things are beyond repair.

I returned to my bedroom- our bedroom. Shigure was sitting on the floor- computer on his lap, typing away. I sat down and leaned against him. He stroked my hair. "Shigure…" I said, feeling some of my rage recede. He placed his laptop on the floor, and kissed me. He looked into my eyes and said, "We have plenty of time. No meetings today." I looked down and fiddled with my ring.

"Maybe we should…use something from now on." Shigure looked at me in surprise. We hadn't used any contraception from that first time in the garden, when I cried more from the joy of being called beautiful and held than from the pain.

"What brings this up?" he said.

I shook my head. "Maybe we should be more responsible…it's different now…"

Shigure laughed.

I felt myself flushing. Sure, there was the time while we were packing his stuff from his old house and he had me over his writing table. And maybe there was the time when we were at a Sohma business meeting and he had me in the bathroom, and I almost had forgotten the time right after our wedding… "I'd just be a terrible mother! I put Kisa in the hospital! I'm a monster! I don't deserve to have a child! " I blurted out.

Shigure smiled fondly at me.

I found myself sitting in Hatori's office. He came in looking happier than I had seen him in a long time. Maybe as happy as he was when he was with Kana. Kana…I could still see her face in the days after I had injured Hatori's eye. But here Hatori was, smiling at me, and asking me why I had come in. I couldn't meet his good eye. "I thought maybe I should get some birth control."

Hatori looked shocked. "What's this all of a sudden?"

I felt my voice wavering. "Don't you and Mayu use something?"

Hatori looked a bit embarrassed but he nodded. "But you've never asked before."

"I can ask whenever I want!" I yelled, and then caught myself. "Anyway, that's not important. Just give me the pills."

Hatori sighed. "Well...we just need to do an exam, and run a few tests…"

I walked down the hall to Hatori's office, a week later. Hiro and Kisa were walking towards Hatori's door, holding hands, with big smiles on their faces. Hinata was holding onto her big brother's hand as well. Kisa looked in my direction. She froze, and dropped Hiro's hand. "Uh…Akito…we just came to show Hatori my new high school uniform.."

The blue and white of the uniform of Yuki and Kyo's former high school set off her orange hair wonderfully.

Hinata was waving in my direction "Hi…hi…Aki'. I crouched down and rubbed her shock of brown hair.

"Hi.Hinata", I said. Hinata started to cry. I looked up and Hiro's hand was almost crushing in its grip on hers. "You don't have to hold her hand that hard, Hiro" I said and walked into Hatori's office. He was efficiently shuffling papers on his desk. "Hatori, do you have my pills?" I said.

"No.", he said. "You're pregnant, and I can't give birth control pills to a pregnant woman". I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach. It was like father's box- I knew and I didn't know. I knew I was gaining weight, but food simply seemed to taste better since the curse had lifted. My larger, more sensitive breasts? Simply weight gain and the happiness of a newly wed. No period? I was irregular anyway. When you are constantly ill, and sometimes don't eat for days, that happens. I had foolishly thought I could be saved. I had felt that the lifting of the curse was finally a light on my pitch-black path. I had been deluding myself.

After that, I went to the hospital. I had been fooling myself for five months. No wonder Ren had said those things- a woman watching me like a hawk for any weakness would of course see my weight gain, especially where it centered. I returned to my-our- room and lay down on the futon. I think I cried myself to sleep. I woke up with Shigure holding me. I snuggled into his arms. "Gure…"

Shigure nibbled my ear. "Hatori told me. When are you announcing it?"

I stiffened. "I don't know. I can't have this baby".

He rubbed my back. "Aren't you a bit far along for that?"

"I don't see why you want to bring a child into this family. We're cursed."

He started to rub my belly. "Akito, the curse is broken. I'll never transform again, nor will any other of the Zodiac."

I shook my head. "There's more to being cursed than just transforming. I didn't need to transform to make Ren regret that I ever came out of her body. And Kureno…" I could feel Shigure shift uncomfortably against me, but I continued "He once told me that one of the head maids yelled at him for rescuing Rin from the Cat's room. She could have died there, and what would we have done then?" I was crying again.

Shigure rubbed my neck. "I guess I still feel sorry for anyone born in this family"

I walked to the gardens to get some air, and clear my head. I felt like everyone was looking at me, but thought I was just being paranoid. I sat down in one of my favorite spots, near the camellia bushes. Quiet at last I thought, but I was wrong.

"Do you really think Akito is pregnant?" said a voice.

"Of course! Akito's always been so thin, but now he…I mean she is plump! And glowing! And with what she and that dirty novelist get up to every morning, noon and night, I wouldn't be surprised!", said another.

The first voice laughed. "Really, that novelist is a dish. What does he see in him…I mean her? Didn't she push a girl out of a window?"

The second voice moderated her tone, but still was loud enough for me to hear. "She's the head of the family- woman or not- with all that money and power- I'd marry her if she'd have me!" I peeked at the source of the voices. Two maids. I didn't even know their names. I wondered if everyone knew. That would make getting the abortion…difficult. There was already the scandal around my true gender. Part of the family seemed to be in almost open revolt about this. I finally had to close the discussion of this in our business meetings. I wished that I had Kureno around to go to the meetings and do my work for me, but Kureno had vanished into the countryside with his new blonde girlfriend- one of Tohru's friends- Arisa or something, and left me to do my work myself. "Errrgh" I said. I wished that I had something to throw, and someone to throw it at.

I sat at my desk, squinting at some papers. I had no idea what the business case for the Sohma Corporation's brand of kimche-flavored soft drinks was, nor what any of the graphs meant. I think I had Kureno do my math homework for me too. Shigure sat down beside me. I looked at him, hoping that he'd explain what was going on. He just shook his head. "Don't ask me. I copied off Hatori's. Anyway, you have a special meeting today. Tohru and Kyo are coming to present their baby. It'd be nice to see Tohru again. High school girls… well, I guess she isn't anymore. Hey, Ayame says you can get a discount on a school girl uniform at his store anytime, Akki."

"Shigure", I said calmly. "There will be no school girl outfits. I have my hair long for you, you know." I adjusted my clip. I kept my hair up as a compromise.

The door slid open. "We're here!" Tohru said. She practically bounced into the room.

I felt my eyes narrowing. "Have you ever heard of knocking?"

"Uh…I was going to knock, but I was just so excited to see you, Akito!" Tohru said.

Tohru was wearing a casual top and a straight skirt, and a small bundle was in her arms. Kyo walked in behind her. "Tohru, don't piss Akito off." He put his arm around her shoulders.

She turned to him. "But I just wanted her to see Kyoko! She's so cute! Don't you want to hold her, Akito?" She thrust the bundle into my arms. I looked down at it. The creature was sleeping peacefully. She had a small shock of brown hair, with a slight orange tinge. I looked up. Tohru seemed to be expecting me to say something.

"Uh…very cute. It must be tough taking care of a small child in a dojo." I held the baby out to Tohru.

Tohru took the baby and smiled. "Each day is fun! My mother always said to just remember what it was like to be a child! " Tohru just seemed so sincere. I felt even more like a monster beside her.

Shigure seemed to notice my discomfort. "I think Akito's a bit tired"

Tohru glanced at me. "I guess she still tires easily, even though she looks so…healthy now!". I felt a wave of guilt.

Kyo grunted. "Akito doesn't want us here. Let's go." They walked out of the room.

I laid my head down on the desk. "I've got a headache."

Shigure patted my head. "You really looked like a mother there."

I grunted. "Don't write me into your weird fantasies, dog boy."

The next day, I was dozing under my favorite windowsill. I used to sit on it all the time, watching the world go by, but I felt awkward sitting on it now. Getting on it was a problem. I heard the rustle of skirts. Great, I'm dreaming of my mother again. I hear her voice in my dream. "I see that you're having a full and useful day." I opened my eyes. Ren was standing in front of me, seeming awfully pleased with herself.

"Why are you in my room? Get back to your room, now!" I yelled.

Ren laughed. "Really, is that the way you greet your mother? No wonder everyone's given up on you."

"Shut up! Get out of here!" Really, why are her attendants so lazy? They just let her slip out whenever she wants. Or maybe, they aren't lazy. They work for her, not for me. I felt her hand on my belly. "Don't touch me, bitch!"

"Bitch? Strong words for someone who shamelessly sits here as the so called head of the family, even though we had a bet, and my terms were met."

I felt myself getting angrier and angrier as she spoke. "I don't care about your stupid bet. Anyway, Shigure came back to me, and Hatori has stayed as well. The others still come back to visit. And even if they never came back to me, I'm not bowing at your feet, and I'm not leaving the Sohma."

She just smiled. "Even if you don't leave, you'll never be happy. I've told everyone about your little bundle of joy, so don't think you can sneak off and get rid of it. I hope it locks you in the back rooms." She strode off triumphantly. I wished that I hadn't promised myself not to strangle her again.

I lay in bed, hating her. I wished I were like Tohru, who would have forgiven Ren, and probably invited her in for tea as well. Despite Tohru seeing me as me instead of just the devil or a god, somehow whenever I thought of her, I felt guiltier than anything. The door slid open. Shigure was there, with a stuffed dog in his arms.

"Hello, Akito!" He looked at my tear stained face. "Been talking to your mother again?"

"I hate that bitch. I wish she were dead."

Shigure smiled at me. "Oh ho! I've got the next best thing. We're going to the summer house!"

I sat up. "And what does that have to do with Ren?"

He gave me his most innocent smile. "Oh, it's just so we have nothing to do with those pictures of Ren and one of our chief executives. I mean, we were at the summer house at the time. You come back with a heir, preferably male, and who looks better- a head of the family with a cute baby in arms or some slutty old lady?"

I smiled. "You haven't changed at all, Shigure. I guess she'll be sorry she is in this family after all."

The next months passed quickly. Shigure swam in the ocean like his former Zodiac animal. I spent most of my time sleeping under an umbrella. I could almost forget the parasite growing in my body, making me heavier and clumsier. I ate takoyaki by the sea and fanned myself with Shigure's old fan. He still thought it was funny to have a fan with the kanji for dog on it. I tried to keep my mind off the coming child as best as I could.

I looked up and saw Haru hovering near the doorway. "Ren? Why are you here?", he said. He was looking straight at me.

I looked around the room. "I don't see any whores here." I didn't remember much of the birth, and some of the last few weeks were fuzzy, but I would have certainly remembered if Ren had come here.

Haru blinked. "I guess it's you, Akito. I couldn't get Rin to come- she says she still doesn't forgive you, but I wanted to at least see the baby." I handed him the creature dozing at my side. Haru held it in one arm, with the other cradling its head. He squinted at it. "It looks exactly like you."

"Everyone says that, but I don't see the resemblance." I shook my head. I understood that there's not much to be said about a baby, but why everyone always said that I had no idea. Shigure walked in with a package under his arm.

Haru glanced at him. "Here's the proud papa."

Shigure tried to catch my eye, but I turned away. He sat on the bed, and patted my head. "You're still mad at me?" He opened the package. I couldn't help looking at him. Inside were a dozen cupcakes with bright red frosting. He carefully removed the paper, tossing it aside right next to my nose, and started to lick the top. I felt even more lightheaded and weak. I could smell the sugar so intensely. I was so intent I was shocked by Haru's voice.

"Akito, I'm sure Shigure would let you have a cupcake. You don't have to drool like that." I glanced at Shigure's face. He gave me a knowing look.

"Of course I wouldn't be so selfish as to not give a cupcake to someone who hasn't eaten in two days! I'm a kind and gentle husband."

I pushed him off the bed. He slid off the low futon with a slight bump. Haru laughed, but then stopped. I looked up at him and he was blushing. The demon child was rooting against his chest. "I love you too, little uh…baby, but I'm promised to Rin.", he said, and handed the baby to me. I offered it a breast and it accepted greedily, smacking and drooling. I handed it off to Shigure, and as he settled the baby across one shoulder, it promptly spit up on him.

He shook his head." I'm glad I'm wearing a yukata. Tsubaki loves to spit up. I'm going to have to get a towel for the fiftieth time today."

"So the baby has a name, and is a girl? I've been wondering about that." Haru said.

Shigure smirked at me and patted Haru on the shoulder. "Well, Haru, won't you eat dinner with us? I think it's eel tonight." Haru nodded and glanced at me.

"I'm not hungry." I said.

I heard Shigure's rueful voice "Suit yourself."

I tried to doze for a bit, but of course, I was interrupted. I heard Rin's voice. "Ren? What are you doing here?" I turned toward her. She was wearing one of her ridiculous outfits. Leather mini skirt, striped sleeveless top, a silver cross around her neck. She stared at me. "Say something! Why are you here?"

I lifted my chin. "Why are you here?" I was getting annoyed at being mistaken for my mother. I would get a hair cut, soon. Long hair was too much trouble.

"Haru said that he was invited for an eel dinner. And I asked you that question!" she looked around the room. "Akito could find you! I couldn't tell you, but Akito locked me in the cat's room when I went to get that box for you!" I jumped a little. Ren was the reason that Rin was poking around in my room? Maybe I shouldn't have locked her in the cat's room, but why was Ren always meddling in my affairs?

"God, I hate that woman" I whispered.

"You hate her too? Everyone says they forgive her, but they are stupid. No one seems to remember that she stabbed Kureno. It's always the other person's fault with her."

I could feel my temperature rising. Maybe I was to blame, but I still wanted to slap her. "Shut up!" – it just seemed to come out. Time seemed to stop, and all I could hear were footsteps.

I heard Shigure's voice. "Rin! Why are you

here chatting with Akito? Don't you want to eat? Or have you joined the noneating club?" I looked up. It seemed that without my volition my hands had slammed over my ears. Shigure had changed into a new yukata, a black one, and Tsubaki was wriggling in his arms.

Rin startled. "Akito…?"

Shigure put on his usual smile. "You don't have to be so surprised, Rin. My wife said she wanted to see the ocean.". He turned to me. "Anyway, the rest of us are going to eat. I guess you can sit there and sulk if you want to."

I watched his departing back, and emptiness filled me. Less than a year ago, Shigure looked only at me. I remembered one night. We were out drinking with Shigure's writer friends, but his eyes were on me the entire night. The champagne, the food and the excitement of being someplace new with new people made the evening seem to glow in my memory. At that time, I thought Tohru was right- that I could start again from the beginning. Another memory presented itself. We were out walking and I was admiring a bakery window. Huge cakes with hundreds of sugar roses, little buns with sesame seeds on top and white bean paste inside, and little cupcakes with bright red frosting. Shigure laughed at me, and said, "You act like you've never seen a bakery before."

I smiled at him. I hadn't- I didn't go outside of the family compound often, and I usually dozed on car rides from one place to the other. He grabbed my hand and we went into the bakery. I could have stayed there forever, looking at so much bread and cake. When I looked back at Shigure, he was watching me gently. "You wanted those cupcakes, didn't you?"

"How did you know?" I said.

"You looked at everything, but you looked at the cupcakes the longest, and you keep looking back at them."

I laughed. He knew me better than I knew myself. At that time, I thought Kureno was right- I could learn what I didn't know. I wished that I could stay in that moment forever.

In this moment, I could hear laughter filtering in from the kitchen. Long shadows stretched over the chairs and the table. In this moment, I was alone. I sat up and drew my knees to my chest. I remembered that day again- Shigure fed me the cupcakes by hand, one by one- the whole dozen. He said that he had never seen me eat so much before. I just laughed- life and food were delicious at that moment.

That day was 7 months ago- I was pregnant then, but unaware. Maybe I dozed a little, because I heard Shigure's footsteps coming toward me. I looked up and he thrust the baby at me. It was wearing a headband with dog ears and a onesie with the kanji character for dog on it. Shigure was all smiles- "Ha, I made the kids go to bed, but not before unpacking Ayame's present!" I could smell the strong scent of the red wine he had a few too many cups of, and of course, the smell of tobacco that constantly clung to him. He handed the baby to me and lay down beside me. Holding the child in my arms, I noticed that her onesie also had a small tail on the bottom. Really, why he insisted on putting the child in Ayame's ridiculous outfits, I had no idea. He patted my head. "Why are you sulking so much? You're sulking as much as you used to.

" The baby pulled my hair and chortled. I looked down at it, and knew I couldn't tell him. After the curse had broken, I used to tell him every night about the new me- I promised to not strangle my mother, to safeguard the true freedom of the former Zodiac, to make up for how I acted in the past. So, how could I tell him that I was jealous of a baby? That even though I had said I no longer needed the bond, that I wanted him to look only at me? I put on my best smile and said, "I'm missing the main house."

Glossary: takoyaki: a dumpling with octopus pieces in it.

Yukata:a light kimono. Shigure is often seen wearing one.

Kanji: a Chinese character.