Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks! Except for Ray, he's all mine.

Summary: Ray realises something. A 'deleted scene' from Faded Photographs.

The Moment

They always say that there was a moment. A moment of realisation, of understanding, an acknowledgement of feelings. But Ray wasn't so sure. He thought about it, long and hard, but he couldn't pinpoint the moment when he had realised that he was madly in love with Brendan Brady.

Perhaps it was the day they met? When Brendan had been hostile, frightened. And Ray had even then desperately wanted to help him, in a way only he could, having been there himself. But he barely knew him then, didn't know of the kindness in Brendan's heart, the generosity, the strength. Every day he had gotten to know him that little bit more and every day he realised that no matter what Brendan did or said, a part of Ray would always respect and sympathise with him.

There was something so fascinating about him. Ray had thought that he had seen his type many a time before, closeted, homophobic, violent. But Brendan expelled those labels and was something else entirely. He was a remarkable being. There was something almost majestic in the way he carried himself, in the gravely way he spoke, his moustache twitching in amusement whenever he was happy, or trying not to laugh. Ray often found that he couldn't keep his eyes off of him. He was enthralling, a delight to behold. He was everything that Ray never imagined he would fall for. So why had he?

Ray thought back to a time when his feelings had become known to him. It wasn't a moment of clarity; instead a realisation of something he had felt for a long time, but hadn't been able to recognise or voice. He remembered when Brendan had fallen ill, the day of his visit from Donny. Everything else had flown from his mind, his being fixated on Brendan's misery. He had suddenly felt powerless, childlike in his endeavours to help. When he had carried him to the ambulance, his arms wrapped protectively around his chest while the paramedic carried his legs, Ray had felt absurdly angry with himself. He wished he was bigger, stronger, able to carry Brendan by himself. He wished more than anything they hadn't placed handcuffs around his wrists, even when he was unconscious. It made him irrationally angry, and Ray didn't like to bring out that side of himself anymore.

"How is he a risk?" He had asked furiously, his cheeks reddening.

"Its procedure" The prison guard had said with a sigh.

"Do you think he's faking it or something?" Ray pressed.

The prison guard ignored him, assisting the paramedic. Ray swallowed down any further insults and helped in moving Brendan.

It was little moments like that which eventually allowed Ray to recognise what he truly felt. He remembered one day, several days before Brendan's release, when the two of them had sat outside, lying lazily on the grass. Brendan's hands were behind his head, his shirt rising up to expose the flesh of his stomach, several curls of hair exposed over his trousers.

Ray looked from his stomach to his face, smiling. Brendan gave him an amused look, squinting in the sudden brightness of the day.

"Like something ye see?" He asked, wry amusement evident in his tone.

Ray shrugged, closing his eyes to the sky. "Don't flatter yourself, Brady. I'm admiring the grass"

Brendan snorted. "Really? Somehow I doubt that"

"Oh, Brendan. So full of yourself, it's sad really"

"I'll bet" Brendan murmured. There was silence for several moments.

"You seeing the solicitor tomorrow then?"

"Yep"

"What do you think he'll say?"

"No idea" Brendan said pensively. "Most likely when I can get out of here"

"And you want to?" Ray asked, opening his eyes a crack to glance at Brendan. "Get back to your…real life?"

Brendan laughed low from the back of his throat. "Trust me, Ray. Nothing in my life has ever been real"

Ray opened his eyes fully now, resting on his elbows. "Do you really believe that? That's awfully depressing, don't you think?"

Brendan shrugged. "That's life"

Ray contemplated this for several moments. "It's total bollocks of course. Your kids are real, you can't deny that"

"I can't" Brendan said softly. "But what I am to them, that isn't real"

"It could be, if you tried" Ray theorised, shifting closer to Brendan as he spoke.

"Do ye ever wonder what life could be like if ye had taken a different path?" Brendan asked in a rare, contemplative moment.

"Of course" Ray answered easily. "But sometimes what's easy in life isn't necessarily what's right, or what equates to happiness"

"But if I could go back and choose not to be who I am…" Brendan said thoughtfully. "Would I be happier now?"

"No" Ray said decisively. "Who you are now, makes you the man you are"

"But is he a good man?" Brendan pondered. "Because I honestly don't think that he is"

"He is to me" Ray said quietly, almost to himself.

Brendan looked at him curiously. "Ye always know what to say" he said thoughtfully. "It's rather extraordinary"

Ray shrugged. "It's what I do" he said simply.

"It's not all ye do…" Brendan said, glancing around them before he pushed Ray gently on the grass, pressing his lips against his in a soft, searching kiss. Ray's fingers trailed across Brendan's jaw line, through his dark hair. He felt Brendan shift so that he was pressed against Ray's leg, his erection a noticeable presence between them.

"You always know" Ray said between kisses. "What to do"

Brendan laughed against his mouth, planting wet kisses along Ray's neck. If they weren't careful they were going to make love right here outside.

"Brendan" Ray pushed a little against him. "We should get inside"

Brendan growled low. "No, I like it here"

Ray laughed beneath him. "Someone could come over here"

"We're on a hill; no one will look this afar"

"They have eyes everywhere" Ray noted, but he was beginning to lose his resistance as Brendan palmed him through his trousers.

"Ray" Brendan breathed throatily. "Ye are always the one pushing me to be true to what I want, and guess what?"

"What?" Ray asked, sensing where this was heading.

"I want you" Brendan smirked at the dimming restraint in Ray's eyes, kissing him once more with all of the passion and heat he possessed.

Brendan pulled down Ray's trousers, running his hands eagerly over the hair gathered around his cock. He bent his head low, running his tongue across the base of him, grazing the skin with his teeth, his hot breath a familiar and exhilarating presence. His mouth teased and kissed until he took Ray fully in his mouth, devouring him down to the back of his throat and continuing in this manner until Ray's hands were balled in Brendan's hair, tugging him out gently and kissing him fiercely once more.

Brendan removed his own trousers and lay back; his legs spread apart, his gaze steady with intent. Ray was thrown for a moment. He had expected Brendan to top, as he always did when given the all clear. But it seemed as though Brendan Brady had learnt something; had learnt when to give the control to someone else, when to allow himself the vulnerability to ask for what he wanted.

And in that moment, Ray felt a heat spread through him at the sheer possibilities of this man, of the lessons he had taught him and the fact that he had listened. He moved across the distance between them, his fingers pressing and stroking, his intention clear but his mind in two places.

He looked into Brendan's pale blue eyes; saw the desire evident in them and something more. Trust. He trusted Ray. He had only known him a short time and yet he trusted him completely. Once more Ray was astounded. He was rarely surprised but when he was he treasured it, needing that unawareness to carry him through life's endeavours; particularly when things became so monotonous that Ray wondered if it was truly a life he was living. When Brendan had arrived, the monotony of prison had been broken but that wasn't all. Something had yearned in Ray, as it did now as he lined himself up against Brendan and pushed slowly inside. There was something insatiable about the man that was irresistible in its potency. Ray didn't want to dominate Brendan anymore, didn't want to teach him, guide him. He wanted to love him.

And that realisation made Ray freeze above him for a moment. As he had said before, it wasn't a moment of clearness, of clarity. It was an understanding of something that had been building for some time and only now had materialised. But again, it wasn't as though he had just realised it. He had known it at some unknown junction and until now had carried it with him, nameless and thrumming through him with every encounter they shared. And only now, as Brendan lay spread beneath him, his eyes closed suddenly in the intensity of Ray's touch, did Ray realise that he needed to tell him. He wanted him to know that despite the bad things he had done, that there was good in him to be admired and cherished. He knew that others saw the same besides him, but he felt that it was important for Brendan to know that even when he bared his soul completely for Ray to see, Ray loved him wholly, the good and the bad.

Ray's hand caressed Brendan's leg, which was resting against his side as he buried into him. Brendan's eyes remained closed, the knowledge of Ray's love closed to him. Because surely if he opened his eyes, he would see it all in Ray's face and he would run scared, overwhelmed by the possibility that someone else could love him, someone who knew his darkness within and embraced it completely.

Ray grunted with the effort; it had to be quick, they were playing a dangerous game here, fucking in the outside air. Ray focused his mind to the here and now, barring other thoughts, storing them until later. And in typical Brendan Brady fashion, that was when he opened his eyes.