A/N: This story will be a two-part series. The first being Sorrows and Delights and the second The Vigil's Heart. This series delves into Istabella Cousland's life after the death of Alistair all the way to the end of Awakenings. It contains her journal entries and her adventures in between as they happen. Some journal entry scenes and dialogue between the characters have been altered or enhanced a little bit from the game to provided a greater back drop that the video game does not do. However I do not plan to deviate to much from the game so as not to spoil the aura of it.

I hope you enjoy!

KUDOS: A huge thank you to Elysis and KJFern for being my betas for this story, I am officially dedicating this series to you! :o)

Istabella's Journal:

9:30 Dragon Age-Month of Haring: 2nd Day- Denerim's Royal Palace

Alistair…I am such a fool for I could have saved us

But I didn't and now I suffer, oh how I am suffering

I can hear Morrigan's voice calling us fools over and over again

Why didn't I do it? Why did I let myself think we had a chance to prevail?

I cannot bear your loss

I was to take the final blow…It was to be me not you when Riordan failed….

But you are gone and I am alone now…

My heart has been ripped from my chest… It sits in front me weeping tears of blood…..

Lament to Alistair by Istabella Cousland

Outside the Mourning Chamber in the royal palace Zevran paced. Istabella had locked herself in there with Alistair's body for the past day and a half and was refusing to come out. He knew she was still furious with him about what happened at Fort Drakon. She would be angry for some time to come. But he had done it not only because Alistair had asked him too, but also because he cared for Istabella. Zevran had not wanted, and did not want to see her dead anymore than Alistair had. Deep down there was a part of him that had always wanted to Istabella for himself. He wanted to possess the wild and wily Warden Commander, as she was now called, for himself and himself alone.

Footsteps approached down the hall and he saw Anora coming towards him. He bowed before her as she asked, "Is she still in there? Is she refusing to come out?"

When Zevran nodded, Anora sighed with exasperation and in a very unqueenly manner stomped her foot. "We can't have a proper funeral for the Hero of Ferelden if she won't let anyone in. Could that stone creature bust down the door perhaps?"

Zevran shrugged before saying stiffly, "That stone creature you are referring to is a golem and her name is Shale. And she could possibly bust down the door if she feels so inclined. With all due respect you majesty, the Warden Commander just lost the love of her life. He died right there in front of her saving not only you but all of Ferelden. He chose to die so she could live and carry on. The Warden is not likely to let him go just yet."

Zevran could tell his answer irritated Anora even more. Under most circumstances he would have agreed with her, but not today and certainly not in Istabella's case.

"Well we need to figure something out and soon before-" Anora started but was interrupted by one of her guards.

"Yes, what is it?" Anora asked in an aggravated tone.

"Your majesty, a visitor has just arrived into the palace. He says he is Fergus Cousland, brother to the Grey Warden," the guard answered, bowing.

Anora and Zevran looked in astonishment at each other then the guard. Anora pointed at the Mourning room door. "Watch that door for us. Looks like there is a way to get the Warden out of that room after all," Anora said as a smile forming on her lips.

The guard nodded and took up his post while queen and assassin walked quickly down the hall. Anora had known that Fergus had been scouting when Istabella had arrived at Ostagar and was missing ever since. She and Istabella had talked a little about the family after Anora's rescue from Howe. Fergus would be the one to get Istabella out of that room before the corpse began to stink up the halls.

The Mourning Room in the palace was the place where the royal family could mourn the passing of a loved one. Istabella sat in the room by herself with only the candles for light. She sat staring mute at the body of Alistair lying on the wooden dais that was draped with blankets. He looked every bit like he did alive in the glowing candle light. When they had brought in him, she sent for towels and two basins of water, one scented and one unscented. After the items were delivered she had ushered everyone out of the room and had locked the door.

It took her many hours but she had managed to get every speck of film off of him and his armor. He would be buried in Cailan's armor with all the ceremony befitting a man of royal blood. Even if that man was considered a bastard, he was also a Grey Warden and the Hero of Ferelden.

She had used the scented water to bathe the part of his skin not covered in armor. His face, neck and hands. She had begun with his head, dipping the cloth rhythmically in the water and gently cleaning the dirt and grime away. She had smoothed his features into a look of peace and contentment. As she had tended to her love she half expected him to open his eyes and smile at her. But his eyes remained closed in the eternal sleep of death and she wept.

Before bathing his hands she had removed his runic ring and the gold demon head bracelet she had given to him months ago. Jewelry like that fascinated him and he had been delighted to receive it. That jewelry she would now wear as a keepsake of his memory.

Oh how she wept all those hours until she had finished with him. She had pulled up one of the cushioned benches and sat there in misery. When she grew tired she climbed onto the dais and curled up next to him. Istabella was not a tiny woman by any means. Becoming a woman gave her a body of unending curves, and training as a warrior had accentuated those curves into a strong and resilient body. But the dais was more than big enough to hold the two of them. Even though his body was lifeless it was still a comfort to lay down next to him as they had done in life.

Every once and awhile someone would come along and knock on the door. She had shouted at them to go away and that she would come out when she was damn ready. Another thing she was thankful for was that the room had a privy. That saved her from having to go the bathroom in one of the rooms with many urns and vases on display.

Food and drink were left at intervals but she only took the drink. Usually it was beer, but Oghren had slipped some of his family's homemade brew on the tray outside the door. Blessed Oghren! If anyone knew liquor and how to apply in emotional situations it was Oghren. In between drinking sessions she would lash out at Alistair. For hours she would shake her fists and rail at the unfairness of a life full of possibilities, for the future snuffed out in an instant. All for the sake of duty and for the greater good of the world! Istabella had shouted at the walls. Her shouting became wailing keens of sorrow. The one person who could have saved them- if she and Alistair had been willing to pay the price, had been Morrigan. But she had refused Morrigan's offer and now Istabella cursed herself.

If she had convinced Alistair to sleep with Morrigan, would the consequences have been worth the price of the bargain? Would she and Alistair have to face the child of that union one day down the road and atone for their sins? Perhaps they would have, perhaps someone else would have faced the seed of a risky and unknown decision from long ago. Istabella had laughed to herself thinking bitterly just how much enjoyment Morrigan would derive from her foolish decision of sticking with duty. Or would she laugh at Istabella's suffering right now? No. She would not laugh. But she would speak with condescendence, mixed with that rare sisterly sympathy she had sometimes displayed. Whatever Morrigan would do or say did not matter now. She was gone. Alistair was gone. And Istabella was left with a plateful of bitter regrets.

Istabella rubbed her forehead knowing she should leave the room, get some fresh air, eat and drink some proper food. Most of all she needed to bathe and badly. She had not even stopped to clean up before she had locked herself in the room. She was still in the Warden-Commander armor she had gotten from the corpse of Sophia Dryden at Soldiers Peak. She also still sported a nasty gash on the outside of her upper thigh from one of the Archdemon's talons. It had finally stopped bleeding but it needed proper cleaning and a healer to tend to it. But she couldn't bring herself to face anyone just yet.

So it happened that is was not bodily needs or functions that had her running to the door. It was the sound of Fergus's voice as he pounded on the door, "Istabella? Maker's butt little sister open the door for your brother!"

Istabella's head whipped up and stared at the door. She was delirious surely and hearing things. Her brother was dead too, lost on the Kocari Wilds with his scouting party. No it was just a figment of her imagination- until she heard his voice come through the wood loud and clear.

"Ista open this door! Shale says she is going to come in and squish its head like a lemon. It managed to not get pooped out onto her and lived to fight another day," Fergus shouted with his mouth right at the door.

Despite her grief Istabella shook her head and smiled. Dear Shale, still calling her it and being her normal sarcastic self. Then her slow addled brain finally registered that it really was Fergus outside the door.

"Fergus? Fergus!" Istabella yelled running to the door and yanking it open. Fergus had not expected this and fell through the door landing flat on his belly.

He rolled over on his back saying, "Maker be praised I thought I would never seen you again!"

Istabella yanked up him up and pulled him into a hug. Her grief over Alistair was temporarily forgotten as both siblings wept.

Shale was outside the door with Anora and Leliana observing the scene with her usual condescension. "Squishy creatures and their moods. If they are not crying they are emitting some other form of liquid. Ugh I for one am glad I don't remember myself like that."

Leliana giggled, "Oh but you were a dwarf once. I am sure you experienced all those things we fleshy creatures do before you became a golem. This doesn't make you miss when you were flesh and blood?"

Shale snorted, "Bah, I can't even remember when I was a squishy creature and I don't want too. I am much happier as I am for the time being. It is fun being able to squish pigeons with just a pinch of your fingers. Just like that I can snap their fuzzy heads off."

Anora groaned disgusted. "Well now that we got her to open the door do you think you can keep her from closing it again?"

Shale eyed Anora balefully. Her royal highness would make a great stain on the side of the wall. But Shale resisted the urge to pop her head like a grape. "Yes, I have it under control here. It will not lock herself in again, I can promise you that."

Anora breathed a sigh of relief and then wrinkled her nose at the odor in the air of the Mourning room. "Good, then I will leave you to watch her. I need to make arrangements for Alistair's funeral for the day after tomorrow. Leliana let me show you where Istabella and Fergus's rooms will be. I have put them in the same wing that all of you are in. Once she is up there Istabella can ask any servant to fetch hot water for a bath and anything else that is needed from the kitchens."

Leliana followed right on Anora's heels and Shale watched them walk away down the hall. "Squish!" was all Shale said as the golem moved into the doorway with her back to Fergus and Istabella.

In the Mourning room Istabella told Fergus what happened that night after he had left and gone to Ostagar. The hardest part was telling him about mother, father, Oriana and Oren. Rarely did she see her brother cry, but in this room where mourning took place he wept with his sister over the loss of their family.

"When things are taken care of here in Denerim we are going to Highever and taking back our home. I can talk to my friends and get their help. I know most of them if not all would be more than glad to help us out. But there is so much to tell you about what happened after Ostagar," Istabella said still holding her brother's hands.

Fergus nodded. "And I have much to tell you as well. But first you need a bath and a decent meal. Why don't we both bathe then meet in your room for a private dinner? We can talk each other's ears off all night playing catch up."

For the first time in days, Istabella smiled. "I think that sounds like a great idea. A bath would do us both some good I think. Something smells a little ripe in here and I don't know if it is me or you."

Fergus snorted with laughter. "I can smell you sister and it is not getting any pleasanter. Though I am sure I don't smell all that great myself."

Fergus and Istabella took very, very long hot baths. As the servants brought up the water she had one of them fetch Wynne to look at the wound on her leg. It was turning red and very nasty looking which prompted Wynne to go in "mother mode". Istabella just let her gently berate her about being reckless and not looking afterself and so on. One thing she had learned was when Wynne started lecturing it was just best to let go until all the wind went out of her sails. When Wynne was done Istabella thanked here and climbed into the deliciously hot scented water.

After a couple of hours soaking away the grime, dirt and weariness of the past year they met in Istabella's room. Three servants brought large trays with a variety of foods and lots of ale. The sibling gorged on meat and vegetable pies, fresh bread, cheese, hot soup and sweet cream cakes. A small barrel of beer with a tap sat on its stand on the table and brother and sister took full advantage of it.

Fergus picked up his story starting at the time he arrived at Ostagar. He told of his scouting forays deep into the wilds to assess the darkspawn situation. The night of final battle when Ostagar was lost was when he and his men were ambushed. Out of twenty, only three of them made it out alive. He barely survived the encounter with part of the darkspawn army heading towards Ostagar. They were saved by a group of Chasind warriors who led them to safety. They stayed at the encampment for several weeks to heal up. With the southern part of Ferelden being invaded by the horde, travel north was difficult. Many times they had to skirt patrolling bands of darkspawn. At one point they had to stay put with a Chasind clan for four months. But the Chasind were not without their own battles with the roving darkspawn. Fergus and his two remaining comrades aided the Chasind in their battles earning their trust and gratitude. Then when the darkspawn started moving north, Fergus followed the army. A few of the Chasind led him and his comrades safely out of the Kocari Wilds. All the towns in between Ostagar and Lothering were completely obliterated by the taint. Bodies of both darkspawn and people were littered around buildings that were no more than burnt out shells.

The nearest place to stop off at was Redcliffe. Fergus had gotten word that the Grey Wardens were meeting their allies at Redcliffe to meet the darkspawn army there and hopefully the Archdemon.

"When I heard your name mentioned as one of the Grey Wardens I could not believe it! My little sister, a Grey Warden and leading an army against the darkspawn. We traveled as quickly as we could but you were already gone by the time we got there. Townsfolk said that the horde was attacking Denerim and that you had taken the entire army you had gathered with you. I was about three days behind you. So we hotfooted into Denerim and by the time I got here the Archdemon was dead and the darkspawn on the run," Fergus said finishing up his story with a large swallow of ale.

Fergus, like Istabella seemed to be blessed with incredible luck. Both were positive the other was dead and yet here they both sat together feasting and talking after almost a year of separation. Istabella made a mental note to write all this down in the journal Alistair had given her. When she was sober and awake enough to do it.

With more ale on the way Istabella told Fergus of her adventures through Ferelden and the Blight. By the time she had finished they had consumed the second small keg of ale and both were incredibly drunk.

"It is hard to believe almost a whole year has passed and look at all that has happened. At least one good thing has come from this Fergus," Istabella said whirling the last of the ale in her mug.

Fergus looked at her with bloodshot eyes his cheek resting against his hand. "What is that little sister?" he said slurring his words a bit.

"We found each other and the Cousland name will continue to carry on," Istabella said clinking her mug against his.

Fergus clinked his mug back in affirmation, "I will drink to that my sister."