Hey Guys... this is my new version of Chapter one. As I asked before I asked for this to be betaed. Because I have countless stories half way through and a couple I hope to post real soon and if anyone is reading my other stories. My Adira Pendragon is getting a new chapter AT LAST. But the chapter after that will be soooo hard. It's the 'poison chalice' one. How am I meant to write that with Adira in? AHHHH :( an also my Mcshep on is sorta all over the place. Plus my h/w load is sooo heavy and unweaving I have barely any time to eat and shower and the rest of it.

But now I'm boring you with the details of my life. Back to the matters at hand. I would like to thank Hermione for her wonderful beta and also her (currently) unnamed friend. If there was a way I could repay you both. Please take the time to tell me. and if anyone wishes to suggest any storylines or wants to beta any other of my stories. Then please send me a PM and let me know. I'd love the help and the time to concentrate on my h/w and maybe getting some well needed excerise time.

ANNYYWAAAYY. I don't own Torchwood (unfortuntally) - If I did Gwen's lil girl would be Jacks. Not Rhys .

Enjoyy :D

Can't blame you, for thinking,

That you never really knew me at all.

I tried to, deny you,

But nothing ever made me feel so wrong.

Sterling Knight – What You Mean To Me

"Who are you, Jack Harkness, who are you really?" Gwen asked me as she leant against the door frame to my office. I was sat at my desk, too busy working through some long overdue paper work to notice her approach my office.

The question had caught me off guard. What had made her bring that up so suddenly and without reason? The look she gave me told me she hadn't really realised she'd said it out loud until she saw the slight shock take over my features. She knew me better than most in the past, present or future, and I've been through all the time periods. But then again, after everything we'd been through, could I really blame her for asking?

To everyone else I was just an attractive mystery. Even to Ianto, I was just the sexy boss who flirted a little too much and helped him with his loss of Lisa even if I was the one who got her killed. But to Gwen I was a friend, someone to care about. It was her usual compassionate way of thinking that had made me trust her so much. Never have I met someone so willing to understand that there were things about myself that I would like to keep hidden. Plus her compassion was genuine: most people just asked and empathized as a 'socially acceptable' action, but Gwen, she actually cared about strangers until they gave her a reason not to.

"Captain Jack Harkness, at your service, leader of Torchwood and super sexy," I winked at her with my usual charming grin. That grin would have fooled almost anyone else, but no, not her. She just wouldn't take the bait and I didn't know whether I should be grateful someone's finally noticing or angry that she can't just leave it be.

Gwen slowly walked into my office, uncrossing her arms as she slouched into the chair next to my desk and shook her head at me. She'd obviously thought about this because she seemed to have a look of impatience on her features, a glint in her eyes that showed how curious she was and how hurt that, even after all we'd been through, she still didn't even know my birth name.

"Jack, please ... this isn't a game. You're my boss, how can you expect me to follow you if I don't even know 'who' you are?" I sighed. Why couldn't she just let it be? Why did she have to become so bloody nosey? And why did she suddenly care about something she'd been left in the dark about for the last three or so years she's been working with me. Maybe it was the fact that she was now married, maybe it was the fact that the team was down two members and she felt as if she needed to know who to trust. I couldn't really blame her for that. But normally she let me keep up the façade, never pushing me to reveal the person I truly am. Today, it seems, she is unwilling to let me have my secrets.

"Gwen would you just leave it? The past is the past, just leave it at that!" I got up out of my seat, needing to stretch my legs and, besides, I don't think I could take that look of pleading in her eyes, the look of heart break that I had caused. I had to deal with her crying in front of me, seeing her down for months before she finally started to smile again. But when the smile came back, something was missing. It was a shadow of its former self, and it never quite reached her eyes. That look hurt me more than I can say, and there's nothing I wouldn't do to see her smile again. Really smile.

I look down to the Hub through the window. No one was in the large room. Ianto was somewhere else trying to avoid the now empty command room without Tosh and Owen. I heard Gwen get out her seat and stand behind me but I couldn't face her, not if she still had that painful look in her eyes. I didn't want to lie to her. If I was honest with what I wanted, then I would turn to face her, kiss her, and tell her everything and anything about my life and make her see that she was someone I needed. I'd even want to tell her the things I've forced myself to forget, because they were too painful. Or because I was too ashamed. I slowly turned to face her. She'd just stood there, a gentle hand on my back in support. She always did find a way of making the little touches, the little things, important and comforting.

As my eyes catch hers, we seem to lose ourselves for a few moments before she suddenly pulls me into a hug, her arms around my waist, her head perfectly placed on my chest. We just fitted each other and we both seemed to know it. But Gwen wasn't going to back down easily, she was too stubborn for that. It's a welcome reminder that some things will always be the same, even if it can be one of her less than endearing qualities.

"Jack ... Please let me in. Let me see your true self for once in your bloody immortal life. Try trusting someone, try trusting me." Oh, how I wanted to trust her. In my way, I did trust her. With everything. I trusted her with my life, if I were mortal; I trusted her to bring me back and she was my main reason for coming out of each death. I don't think anyone else has ever noticed how I come out of death a lot quicker if I know she needs me. But I noticed. If she's in trouble I'd be up within seconds even if it hurt more. Because despite all my efforts and pushing her away I loved her. Too late to start denying it now or even stop feeling it.

I didn't trust myself to have to deal with the pain of losing her. After Tosh and Owen we'd both grew closer and even when Ianto kept trying to get close to me, trying to comfort me in a 'boyfriend' sort of way I just shut him out. I cared about him more than I cared about most people, but it was not the way I cared for Gwen. Sweet old Gwen Cooper... Gwen Williams. I always had to remind myself of that.

That was another reason why I wasn't going to let her in any time soon: she was married. There have been so many moments where either one of us could have closed the gap and changed our relationship altogether. Whether we are laughing and joking together, pretending not to notice the flirtatious turn to the conversation. Both acting as if the light touches were innocent in their intent. Or even the times we are yelling and fighting, the distance between us closing until we are nose to nose. Tempers flaring, blood pumping, passions rising, it would have been so easy to step over that line. But we didn't. I step back or she does, it doesn't matter. What matters is that she doesn't ruin her normal life, the one I told her to cling to. I wasn't going to make her choose, there was no way I was ever going to hurt her like that. If that meant I had to let her hurt a little with the fact that she didn't know me then so be it. And what if I did tell her? Would she go confide in Rhys about all those things that I told her in confidence? No. I wasn't going to tell her if I knew she wasn't mine.

No, I wouldn't put her through that and even with that thought in mind I feel as if I shrinking inwards. Either way, I lost. Either way, I'd end up hurting her more than she'd ever let me know. I pulled her arms away from my waist gently and went back to sit at my desk. I was ignoring, with all my might, her presence, ignoring the pained look on her face which turned into slight anger. She huffed in frustration. She was too tired to fight right now and it showed on her face; ever since Tosh and Owen she hadn't yelled at me with as much passion as before.

I did almost anything in my power to get her to yell at me, to feel the spark of emotion and let it out. I succeeded a couple times and smiled at her as she screamed at me and we'd end up laughing and apologizing with a pizza and chasing each other around trying to tickle each other. They were some of those rare moments where she'd be herself without the pain, without the regret that made me love her more. So she stomped off out the door of my office, down the stairs and out the Hub cog door to go home. Home ... to her husband and her perfectly normal life.