A/N: If you want happy, turn back now. This is pure unadulterated angst. This was an exercise in breaking hearts, so if you don't like that sorta thing, turn back now please.
She was crushed; she'd have likened it to dying, but she knew that the feeling constricting her chest was only going to get worse. Because no matter how bad she felt now, she still had to come clean and it wasn't going to miraculously get better after she told either. Her heart yearned for the chance to turn back time and undo her mistake, but life didn't work that way and she knew it.
Two months ago Detective Jane Rizzoli had everything going for her; she was on track to make Sergeant, she had moved in with the love of her life Doctor Maura Isles, and she was on the verge of proposing to the aforementioned woman. Life couldn't have been more perfect than if she had scripted it herself.
She should have known then that the universe had something else up its sleeve; something much more insidious, even if she only had herself to blame. She had said yes to the undercover operation, she had chosen to partake in sporadic drug use to keep her cover and she had up and walked out on the operation two months in because of the biggest mistake of her life. As a result of her actions, everything she had worked for was under threat and she had no choice but to tell the truth. The soul destroying truth; she could only hope Maura would forgive her.
Jane had been wandering the chilly streets of Boston for hours, having just upped and walked out of the safe house she shared with Detective Ruiz from narcotics. Her intention was to go home and seek the warmth and tenderness of her beloved, but she had instead found herself wandering aimlessly as the gravity of that evening's events weighed her down.
With hands tucked into the pockets of the flimsy light jacket, which offered very little warmth, she had marched on. The early hours of the morning and the dark had subsided and she had found herself outside the steps of BPD. She had failed to check in with her handler earlier that morning, and she knew breaking cover was going to cause her being reamed over the coals; in fact she may have even compromised Ruiz's cover too, but she could care less about that man.
Instead she marched inside the building with head held high and spoke with Jenkins at the front desk before being cleared to head into the bowels of the building. She slipped into the elevator and headed for the morgue; even though she knew nothing would be the same after this she couldn't stop the magnetic pull urging her to seek comfort in the arms of her beloved.
She found her. Or rather Maura had found her with a surprised gasp and a sudden impulsive brazen hug. Arms tightened around the detective's waist as the demure doctor spoke with concern, "What are you doing here Jane? Martinez has been going out of his mind. When you didn't check in…" her voice trailed off as she realised the rigidity of the woman beneath her. There were no arms pulling her tightly into the embrace, they just remained limp at the detective's side.
Jane gently nudged Maura out of the hall and into her office, closing the door and the blinds behind them. Everything was happening on automatic for the detective as she struggled to regulate her breathing. Being there in front of the woman she loved so deeply only hastened the loss of control she was feeling. The was a pervasive numbness that had started clawing its way into her, perhaps in an effort to protect her from what had to come next. She opened her mouth to speak, but she realised she had no words in this moment; how could she dare speak of the betrayal? She slumped down on the couch and closed her eyes. She couldn't bare to see the clear concern staring back at her from behind hazel eyes; she was unworthy.
"Jane?" the questioning tone pulled at heartstrings and caused the detective to blink away the far away look that she knew must have been in her eyes once she opened them. "Jane, you're scaring me."
"Maura," she could barely choke the most precious word from her mouth. She closed her eyes again; her brain didn't, couldn't or perhaps wouldn't cooperate.
It was a mistake going there, she knew that now. She should have stayed with Ruiz, completed her duty and maybe if she had been incredibly unlucky died when things went horribly wrong. She sighed, her hands clenching into fists as she realised that part of her longed for the worst possible outcome of any undercover operation. She longed for death. That had to be easier than what she had to face now.
"Jane? Look at me," Maura's voice was more clinical now, falling back on her medical training; eyes searching, studying every miniscule twitch on the detective's face. She reached out a hand to tenderly stroke the cool cheek of the woman in front of her, trying to bring her back into focus. "Talk to me."
Dark eyes hardened as she opened them and stared into the soft concern of hazel peering so lovingly at her. She brushed the hand away from her cheek; she didn't deserve such reverence from her beloved. "Don't," the word fell out of her lips harsher than she had intended, and the numbness that had surrounded her was not enough to stop the stabbing guilt in her gut at the way her love recoiled at the tone. One thought kept insinuating its way into her brain; God, what have I done?
"I should call Martinez; let him know you're here." Maura was at a loss; Jane appeared physically fine, but whatever was haunting her psyche clearly didn't want to be revealed in her presence.
"Please don't." Jane's plea barely escaped her lips in a whisper, but it was enough to cause Maura to sit down next to her and place a comforting hand on her knee. She only allowed the contact because the coarseness of her jeans kept the soft flesh away from her own. She didn't deserve such comforts. "We need to talk."
Maura stiffened upon hearing those words and withdrew her hand from its resting spot on Jane's knee. She might often times be clueless socially, but she knew in that moment that something was really wrong and the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach was overwhelming. She swallowed hard and focused on her hands, which she had buried in her own lap. She couldn't bare to look at Jane, so clearly broken; too many scenarios whirled through her head. "About?" She asked meekly.
"The promise I made you." Her heart and head were at war with one another; as was the best friend part of her and the lover part of her. The best friend demanded that she tell Maura the truth, while the lover kept suggesting that it would be okay, that nobody would ever know and there was no need to throw away the most significant relationship she had ever had in her life.
"Which one, Jane?" The truth was that she already knew, it may have been technically a guess and she never did like to make assumptions, but the evidence spoke for itself. The emptiness in Jane's eyes and the reluctance to be touched; no doubt she knew exactly which promise.
"Promise me Jane, promise me that no matter what happens, if you feel like this isn't working for you that you will tell me. I love you so much Jane, but I would rather not have this side of things than lose you altogether. I need you in my life. Promise me you will tell me if this is too much?"
"I promise you Maura that I will be upfront with you always, especially if I feel that this is too much for me to handle." Jane leaned in and sealed the promise with a searing kiss. "I promise you will never lose me, I'll always be your friend no matter what happens."
"It's too much." Jane blinked back tears that threatened to fall; she didn't have a right to cry over this. She had made a mistake and now she only had one choice, to run. She couldn't bring herself to tell Maura the truth, to see the disappointment and heartbreak in her eyes. Heartbreak alone was enough.
"And what of the second promise you made to me that night Jane?" It was all she could do not to burst into tears right in front of the detective; however she felt she had no choice but to take this calmly and not make it harder on Jane. Their friendship was at stake and she had meant it when she had said she needed Jane in her life one way or another. Life without Jane and by default the rest of the Rizzolis would leave her back at square one, alone; with the bitter aftertaste of knowing what it felt like to not be alone.
"I'll always be here when you need me." She stood up and walked to the door, "I better check in with Martinez." She was abandoning Maura there to process on her own and she knew it; but she knew if she stayed, there would be questions and she didn't know if she could bring herself to lie again.
"Why?" The question was meekly spoken at first, but then Maura found her voice. "Why walk out in the middle of an undercover operation to break up with me?" The cogs in the doctor's brain had finally whirred into assessment and the assessment made it clear that this was not normal Detective Jane Rizzoli behaviour; there was something more that she wasn't being told.
Jane braced herself against the closed door as the question had sapped all strength from her knees. She couldn't stand on her own; she couldn't turn to face the inquisition either and her eyes were betraying her with the bitter sting of hot tears. "You don't want to know." She rasped deeply, the emotion choking in her throat.
"I deserve the truth."
Jane laughed bitterly and straightened herself out, gripped the handle of the door and opened it. "You deserve better than me." She said sadly, having paused to look Maura in the eyes, before pulling the door closed behind her and walking away. Now this, this is what dying felt like.
A/N: No I didn't clarify the mistake, although I would hope we would have a fair inkling; and yes its so far OOC... I just cannot fathom either of these ladies doing anything like this to the other, but I wanted to try and thus this was born. A second chapter will be written to conclude this story. Please be kind or constructive - you were fairly warned about what this story was.