I felt cold, almost numb. I guess that's the opposite of what I'll be feeling in just a little bit. Wiping down all the fingerprints was a mechanical action, nailing the Wara Ningyo to the wall was almost deliberate. I'd realized I was scared.
Scared of dying.
Was it really worth it? Being better than L. That was my life's goal, from the moment I'd stepped foot in Wammy's House. Would I succeed? I guess I'll never know. Have I disappointed Watari? Even after all this time, I cannot bring myself to say that I don't care what the old Englishman had to say. Though I'm sure that it is safe to say that Watari would certainly frown at the idea of the brutal murders I have committed, though I knew that they would have died the same time, anyhow.
But the world doesn't know that. He didn't know it.
The world, with all of its people, does not know what I know. They do not know because they have not been cursed as I have. Cursed at birth with these blood-red eyes that deem me a murderer. These were the eyes that had made my parents cast me out, they banished me, screaming at me as if I were some kind of hideous monster. The people who were supposed to love me unconditionally were the same people who cast me out, recoiling in disgust. They cursed my existence when I'd inhabited their house, and I, in return, cursed theirs. The one person who'd ever cared about me was Watari, or so it seemed.
No, that man only wanted to use me as a backup for his precious L. His precious Lawliet. He used me for years, training me, telling me that I was an important role in the world's development. But it's all useless now…. now that I'm about to be gone forever. It feels as if a burden I've been carrying will be soon lifted from my shoulders. I'll finally know the number above my head, and I'll finally be able to say that it has dwindled down to zero.
Turning the thumb-lock, no trick this time, I took the container of gasoline and poured it all over my body. It now smelled like gasoline, in my hair, my clothes and as I smeared it across my pale, unmarred skin, everywhere, making sure that nothing would remain uncharred, so that I would be unrecognizable in death. Taking the match in my hand, using a match leaves virtually no traces, as opposed to a lighter, you see. This way, it'll only be a burnt out corpse, or perhaps a pile of ashes to clean up after. "I guess this is goodbye." I muttered aloud to nobody in particular.
Striking the match against the box, a small flame erupted out of its end. I watched, almost as if I were not in my body, as the flames licked up the slick path made by the gasoline. Suddenly, I'd felt the pain erupt through my arm, the sharp burning sensation traveling up my arm and across my shoulders and hair. The fire was rapidly consuming every fibre of my being. "Finally, the end" I'd thought. How foolish I was. Soon, I felt almost nothing anymore, the pain proving to be too great. I vaguely heard a person screaming, and I didn't know if it was myself or simply my imagination. I didn't care anymore. Feeling my vision blur, but suddenly recognizing a sound that was not my scream. My legs couldn't, no, wouldn't support me anymore, and I fell to the ground. My vision was suddenly covered in white. I barely heard Naomi Misora above me saying
"Beyond Birthday, you are now under arrest."
So my plan had failed after all.
Waking up in the hospital was not the most pleasant day. I had bandages covering every inch of my body. L had come to see me later that month. He told me he was disappointed in me, for killing those innocent people. I said that he wouldn't understand.
"no, I guess I wouldn't." L said, placing his thumb on his lips. How would he? How could he, a child prodigy who had everything he could possibly want, understand an orphan who had nothing but hatred in his life? How could he possibly understand? I turned away from L, the one man that I'd worshipped for so many years, because I now realize that what we want are not the same thing. We are like black and white, and I was foolish to even think that I could take his place one day.