AN/ I always wondered what happened at the end of Padre. I always thought there was a lot of unfinished business. This is an attempt to explore that.. I think there are a couple of more chapters in this.
Sharon watched Brandon go into the house, she turned back to Callie, "Your invited too, you know."
"I know," Callie nodded, smiling, "I think I'll sit a while."
She inhaled, and stretched wiggling her back, stiff from sitting on the wooden bench. "Its nice here, the back yard."
Sharon stood on the porch, her arms wrapped around her body. She looked distractedly off into the yard dark beyond Callie . " Chilly," Sharon commented after a bit. And then added, like she was on a 10 second delay. "Peaceful."
"Yeah," agreed Callie, surprised at just how relaxed she was and how good she felt, sitting on the bench, half her body in shadow her torso illuminated gold in the yellow porch light. She was certainly more comfortable outside than in the house so busy with friends and family. It was outside that she could find the focus and strength to tell Brandon she needed more than just him. To say clearly that she wanted it all.
She realized that Sharon must have sensed something, as the woman shifted her gaze and peered at Callie, questioning "You Ok, doll."
"I am said, Callie," softly. Pleased that Sharon would care. She put a small smile on her face hoping to reassure the older woman that the drama of the funeral and her meltdown over misplacing her mom's necklace was behind her. She hated the idea of being an unstable teenager...what was the psychological term, 'labile'. She glanced up, getting an eyeful of the old , garish, plaid sport-coat Sharon had draped around her slight body. The coat had to be 5 sizes too big. Her black funeral dress peaked out beneath the hem of the coat.
"Don't they hurt, the shoes," said Callie, eyeing Sharon's 3 inch spiked black heals.
Sharon glanced down at her feet, "Well I can't let the side down, can I. Besides its what women of my generation were raised to do." She smiled, "Wear heels and go to church."
Callie smiled, and the more she looked at Sharon's get-up, the more her smile widened. Truth was, in the spikes and coat, she looked more like a child playing dress up than a bereaved widow and grandma. Callie wished she had her camera, it was a good image for the family, jaunty discordant and loving, all at once.
She caught herself anticipating sharing it with Stef, and a wave of loss hit her it was an overpowering physical sensation, for brief moment her face flushed with panic, she shut her eyes and tried to calm herself.
God how she craved it, from brushing her teeth in the morning standing next to whatever brother or sister were in line, to the big overstuffed leather couches in living room. She needed every single maddening, demanding and interfering bit.
Propelled like an angel had just kicked her in the bottom, she hopped off the bench and walked quickly to the woman opening her arms and embracing her. It was a thank you for being here and I am so sorry for your loss hug. It felt right and good, and when she tried to let go she couldn't. It was like she was hanging on for her life. As if Sharon's thin body was the fine line between happiness and the turmoil of the past.
Her breath became halting, as she tried, unsuccessfully to choke off a sob." Sharon tightened her hold and she relaxed into it, the women's hugs were as reassuring as Stef's. "Oh hon, it will be fine," Sharon said softly, "It will be fine." As Callie quieted Sharon guided the girl back to the bench. She sat down next to her.
Callie, took a swipe at her nose with her hand and rubbed the moisture off her eyes, "I'm sorry its been a lot," Sharon pursed her lips and looked at her thoughtfully. Callie found the pause uncomfortable but couldn't will herself to explain, not yet. Sharon watched her struggle and broke the silence with a neutral, "It's hard for everyone." She patted her knee and surprised Callie leaning her head toward her.
"Don't you go worry yourself about Frank," she said in a quiet conspiratorial voice. "I don't think he found today hard. All he had to do was lay there and ignore people," She stretched out straight on the bench and let her head roll slack to the side.
Callie's eyed widened, almost shocked by the pantomime and she tried to suppress a giggle, yet after a bit, the morbidity of the joke soured for her and her panic return.
"Oh babe," Sharon said, her eyes filled with sadness and concern.
" Lean into your gram-ma. You mind me calling myself that?" She reached for her and pulled her close.
Callie gave a small smile, and put her head on her shoulder, " Its fine," She said quietly.
They sat there for a moment, together, she felt the women's strong fingers combing through her hair.
"Did I ever tell you how I met Frank?" Sharon's voice was warm and melodic. Callie felt Sharon's cheek resting lightly against her head. Callie shook her head, encouraging her to continue not wanting to break the spell of intimacy with her voice . "He had this business , well really it was just him and his dog, but he would go to people's houses and put stain guard on their couches."
Callie harrumphed. Sharon stopped running her hand through her hair and said, "Yeah, really i'm not kidding, I'm not making this up." She raised a hand. "Swear to god."
" Now a days, people throw things out, everyone is afraid of bed bugs... or worse." She waved her free hand dismissively, "But back then, people would keep things." She paused and looked down at Callie stroking her hair. "Anyways, I found him in the Yellow pages and hired him to put stain guard on my couch. Well, he walked in the door with that straight forward, 'I can take care of your problem' attitude." Adding after a pause "Boy did he looked good in that tight clean uniform." she shook her head slightly. "That was it for me. That's how I got my husband, through the Yellow pages."
She paused " Three weeks after getting my couches protected," She mimicked the quick assent of a jet taking off with her arm "we're off to Vegas to get married." Adding ruefully, " Four weeks later and the business was bankrupt. "
"We had all kinds of weird stops and starts, all types of jobs. He even worked selling musical instruments, I loved that, musician's running in and out of the apartment. Anyways," she continued, "the music thing just didn't work out, not for Frank."
"I thought he should join a band, relax have fun, but he wasn't comfortable playing dive bars. In fact he said all the musician's told him he acted like a cop. I don't know maybe that's where he got the idea."
She looked and smiled at Callie, then laughed. "Well you don't need to hear this do you, some old lady reminiscing."
" It's not boring," She reached out her hand gripping Sharon's fore arm in emphasis. "You've actually done things. Been married and had jobs. Its stuff i'd like to know, sort of how," her voice trailed off she looked down at her feet but then she lifted her head , swallowed and said "how mom became mom." Callie felt her face get hot, it didn't feel good, having to make a conscious decision to call someone your mother, even if you loved them.
If Sharon thought her wording remarkable she didn't show it and just plowed ahead, talking as much to herself as Callie, " It wasn't a straight path. It never is." She sighed, paused and sighed again, adding, "Its not going to be for you either kiddo. You try things, some work out, some don't. You can think that you know but you never really do. And no matter what," she tapped the girl lightly on the nose, " you can't blame yourself, if things don't work. "
"I mean look at you hon," She turned toward her, facing full on touching her back. "Look at you, 6 months ago you were lost in that Chula-whatsa place and now you got so many people trying to claim you as a relative you have to beat them off with a club." She punctuated her words by waiving a clenched fist in the air like she was knocking on some heavenly door.
Callie sat-up straight, stiff, her hands in her lap. She clenched and then relaxed her fingers. 3 months ago she would have bristled at the Juvie reference, she hated when people thought of her as Juvie girl. Now, she at least tried to think of it as simply part of her journey. A place where she'd been. Yet there were still too many mornings at 4 am she would find her self wide awake cycling through her past, desperately seeking a silver lining. Could she ask Sharon, she wondered, "Is it too late?" she asked tentatively.
Sharon paused started to respond, but then looked at Callie. One glance from Sharon, told Callie that the wetness she felt on rim at her eye's were visible. The women stroked her back and said softly, " Too late for what, hon"
Callie opened and then shut her mouth. For a moment no words came out she felt as if all the breath had been squeezed out of her.
She blurted out. " I want to come home." She bit her lip and groaned in frustration, throwing her self against the back of the bench. She looked up at the inky black sky, the stars hidden by trees and the dull perpetual ambient light of San Diego.
Mooney eyed Brandon had forced her to take a side earlier, but that was different that was partly for his sake and to just keep him at bay. But now the whole plan was real, And when she spoke, her words sounded empty and fanciful, the dreams of a jerky, clueless foster kid. She stared at the sky focusing on the blank darkness above her and the trees at the end of the garden indistinct and blurred like silhouettes
"I want to move back in." she shook her head slowly from side to side, like it was an unobtainable wish. " I want the people who's wedding I ruined to take me back," She shut her eyes trying to remember the good feelings and encouragement she got from the girls. 'You got people,' they told her bitterly. Yet all she could think of now was how she had failed those people. It was like there was a ball of ice in her stomach, the same feeling of self loathing that drove her to run away.
" They drove all night to New Mexico on their honeymoon, just to keep me safe and when they caught up with me. I ran again, crawled out a bathroom window. I chose a random trucker, over them" She wheeled on the woman. "Nice huh, such an amazing girl," she said sarcastically.
She was greeted with a bemused look. "I was there Callie serving pancakes in the morning." Sharon sighed and rubbed her eye's. "You left quite a mess behind you," she said in a bland matter of fact voice.
"Too much has happened." Callie replied. " There is no trust, I'm not sure they really want me around. Whole days go by and I can't even think about them or the house, I'm so so sorry for what I did to them."
She looked down. "The first family day at GU, I was so frightened I spent the morning throwing up in the bathroom."
Sharon, gave her a small smile, " I don't know anything about that honey. What I do know is this, when you left I never saw two people crazier with grief or worry. And then when you started to have some success at that girls place of your 's, Stef called me and her voice sounded so proud and happy, it was like she was getting married to Lena all over again. Do they want you still? Why more than life itself."
Callie saw tears in the women's eyes, and felt tears in her own too.
"For a bunch of very good reasons they decided that they're your folks, and that's that honey. If you ran away to the moon, they would find a rocket and come after you," Her voice became croaky. "So don't, ok, don't you ever do that again" her voice low and vehement, almost angry. She grabbed her arm tight and held it. Callie could feel a slight tremor in Sharon and watched her breathe in and out a couple of times. She relaxed and gave her a small wan smile "Don't cause rocket fuel is really expensive."
Callie felt hot tears running down her cheek, " I'm going to screw it up, " she muttered. "hurt them more."
She felt Sharon's arm slowly reach around her shoulder and pull her head back in and down to her lap, She lay there resting, feeling Sharon's hand patting her back.
They sat together, quiet, Callie looking out at the world sideways from Sharon's lap. Her cheek was pressed against the knit fabric of Sharon's dress which was moist from her tears. She heard the older woman sigh a couple times
" I suppose you will screw it up " she said sadly. "Everyone does."
"People hurt the people they love," She bent down and kissed her ear. Callie laid still on her lap, she heard a small sniffle, " God knows, I did."
And she added in a tone that was so full of sorrow it tore at Callie, "For Frank, the funeral was easy." Sharon's hands usually busy with activity lay still on Callie's head, "It was easy because my divorce killed him."