I bet my life
1st verse
A satisfied Riza closed the oven. She looked at the clock: it was almost 06.00pm and Roy has been in the studio since early morning – which is strange, usually we have lunch together, she was almost disappointed – but when he'll come for dinner – because he will, he can't skip also this one – she was going to surprise him: she had backed her – and his – favourite muffins – the ones from mom's recipes book.
Then someone rang the bell – strange, at this time of the day?
She cleaned her hands with the apron and took it off, on her way to the door. When she was just a few steps out of the kitchen she was barely swamped by something running down the stairs, screaming «That's for me!».
Roy opened the door, he greeted someone, took a letter, said goodbye to someone, than he closed the door. He turned around and finally saw Riza «Hey»
«Hey» she was puzzled, he looked quite enthusiastic – which was quite strange.
«So» his breath becoming regular after the run «wanna open this together?»
They went in the kitchen.
«What a good smell» Roy said «what is it?»
«Oh, nothing» she hinted at the letter «what is it?»
«Future» - cryptic.
«Uhm?»
«Let's see» he carefully opened the envelope and took out a paper. His smile became brighter while reading it. Riza didn't understand, but it was nice seeing him so happy. As it was the most natural consequence, she smiled back.
«I'm in!» he happly shouted out «I did it!» he showed the paper to Riza. Before she even started reading, she saw that symbol, on the right corner. Her smile stopped, then it regressed to a strange, sad smirk «I'm in the military academy!» Riza kept staring at the paper. He's in the military academy. She was completely wordless. Then they came one after the other, three blows, three knifes: He's going away. He's happy of going away. He's leaving you in those crying walls that someone still calls "house". She wanted to cry. But then she looked at his face. He was so happy – so happy about leaving you here - , so happy about his future – his, his, and only his - , so happy to have another chance – he was her chance, and now he was going away. And he was happy of going away.
A gasp.
«Oh»
It was all she could say.
«Riza» he said «what's this smell?»
Smell. Burned. Fire! – alchemy, military – no, the muffins. She switched off the oven and quickly took out the backing tray, throwing it in the sink.
«Oh» he said
«They're burned»
2nd verse
«You should sleep»
«I can't»
«At least you should try»
«I can't» Roy fixed the uncomfortable pillow of the uncomfortable bed of the military hospital and set down «it's like when you're drunk: you close your eyes and the world starts spinning. I close my eyes and see the faces of those whom I killed today. At least those who I managed to see. Those who I didn't are the worst: a thousand of faceless corpses haunting and suffocating me»
Riza looked at him. Today's mission has first gone very good, then quite bad, and now they were both injured, in the same hospital room in Ishval.
«I can understand you, sir»
«No, you can't» he said roughly «Yours don't scream»
Riza's face went hard «No, mine don't scream, sir, but in that gunsight, the faces, I see them all» she sat down, getting nervous «I saw every faces of every person I have ever killed, even those children, who accidentally run in a gunfire, who were shot, and who were left bleeding out in some corner of the street. Them, I also shot them, colonel, a shot in the head, or better in the heart if I had a clear view. I was also their Grim Reaper, I couldn't let them writhe in agony for hours under the sun before dying. But no, they don't scream, sir».
At one point she thought she was going to start crying, but suddenly the tears became inside screams and the sadness became anger.
«I'm sorry» he said almost immediately, which impressed her «I shouldn't get angry with you. I'm just tired. And I can't sleep»
«I know»
«Do you think we will ever be able to sleep again?»
«Do we deserve it, sir?» he looked at her in the darkness
«I don't know» he admitted «What I know is that this will happen forever, every single night. But there won't be someone to talk to every single night, like now»
«Sir» she started «Your demons are my demons» Roy «in any moment, in any place» I'm here.
In the darkness, she didn't see his soft smile «Thank you, Lieutenant»
«You should sleep» - I'm right here.
3rd verse
«So, that's the last one»
«It seems to be»
Roy breathed in the fresh air of the sunrise, Riza, beside him, was motionless, eyes fixed on the horizon.
«I'll miss this»
«In academy you'll get up so early you'll always see it»
«But you won't be there»
Riza winced.
«You're wrong»
He looked at her questioning.
«Me. You'll miss me» - You chose to go away. You..
«I'll miss you»
Riza got up «You should go»
«Right» Roy got up too.
They stared at each other, no one dared to speak.
«Well, I…» Roy hesitated, running his hand behind his neck.
«You don't have to say anything» Riza nodded with the head and turned back to the path, which led home from the hill they usually watched the sunrise after sleepless nights.
«What? No!» Roy took her arm «Stop it, it doesn't have to be like this»
«And how is it supposed to be like?» In fact Riza was not so angry. She had accepted his decision of going away, what now seemed anger was just deep sadness.
«Not like this, it has to be a beautiful, a good…» - goodbye. Say that. A beautiful goodbye.
«I just can't leave like this» - there's no right way for you to leave.
«Where's the good in goodbye?»
«Okay» he made a step closer to her «Listen. I chose a difficult path, I path I know you never wanted for me: dangerous, hard and with no certainty. But what will help me overcoming every obstacle will be my memories of you, of the time spent in this house, on these hills, with you. Every time I'll be on the point of quitting, I'll just remember that I can't afford that, because for this path I had left something really important, and I can't let this decision – this pain – be useless. You, you are amazing, you have so much strength and you are not even aware of it, you underestimate yourself so much but you're the best person I've ever met and I know you're so determinated that nothing will be unreachable for you. So please, even if I'm not here anymore, be yourself, be strong, and understand your value, because you value so much, Riza Hawkeye, and, even if I'm happy to have another chance, leaving you now is one of the most difficult – painful – choices I've ever-» He suddenly stopped. A tear was slipping on the girl's cheek. He dried it with his finger.
«Don't cry…» he said in a low voice. Another tear, from the other eye, and before he could dry it, the tears became a silent crying.
«Don't cry, don't cry» he kept whispering while holding her and she started sobbing.
«Don't you cry» don't you cry for me.
When she calmed down a bit, Roy let her go, grabbed her face with his hands and leaned his forehead on hers.
«Please. Don't cry» Riza sobbed one last time.
«Okay»
Roy opened his eyes and suddenly met hers, so red and puffy. He missed an heartbeat. He kept staring at her for what felt like ages, he could feel her heavy and irregular breath against his skin, her expression still full of pain even if she was trying to push it away. God, even now she was so beautiful. So beautiful. So close. Yet that short distance seemed so big. He got closer to her, closing his eyes.
He would have wanted – No.
But he just wanted to – No. Don't make things harder, Roy. No.
He stopped just a few inches away from her. – No.
He opened his eyes. – Don't do this to her. She's suffering enough. Go away.
«I'm sorry» he whispered on her mouth «That sunrise» he said «it won't be the last one. There's no last one. There'll always be only go ahead»
He left a soft kiss on her forehead, she tightened his wrists.
Then he got up, and went away.
No turning back.
Only go ahead.
4th verse
«You never said me why»
«Sir?» Riza put down her papers and looked at the colonel.
«You know why I joined the army» they were alone in the room, just a few weeks after the end of Ishvalan war «Yet, one day I want to say thank you to the sniper who saved my life and I find Riza Hawkeye. Why?»
«Should have I let them attack you, sir?»
«That's not what I meant»
«I know»
«Why did you join the army, Lieutenant?» he insisted, his gaze fixed on her.
«You know it very well, sir»
«I wanna hear that from you» Riza startled.
«I had someone to protect» she admitted.
«Who?»
«Sir…» he was going too far.
«Complete your sentences, Lieutenant Hawkeye» his roughness hit her.
«You, sir» she spitted «I had to protect you»
«I see» he got up. Riza did the same, and got closer to his table.
«Just make your point, colonel» she said impatiently
«As I supposed, it is my fault» Riza winced «Not only I decided to go to hell, but I also drag you down with me. For all those years. It is my f-»
Riza slammed her fist on the table «Lieutenant!» he called her down, he was surprised rather than angry.
«Listen to me, colonel. Don't you try to use this I'll take the fault for everything of yours with me, it doesn't work. You give yourself too many burdens, my chose to join the army is not one of them» then her voice softened «You know very well how that house was tearing me apart, sir» Roy's gaze also got softener «The army was a second chance, it was a second chance for you as it was for me. And about the hell, well… I would have followed you anywhere»
He was about to answer, but Riza was faster «Now if you excuse me, I'll have my lunch break» and she went out, closing the door behind her.
Anywhere.
Chorus
«You called me, sir?»
«Lieutenant» Roy looked at her from his desk «Yes, correct»
Riza waited for him to start talking.
«You are my loyalist subordinate, my closest one, the one which my life depends on»
«An honour, sir»
«I trust you with my life» he said «but I need you to make a promise, rather, indeed consider it as an order»
Riza looked at him questioning
«You've been to Ishval. You know a lot about humans. You will always watch my back but, from that position, you could easily shot me. Lieutenant, I want that, if I ever become that type of men, if I lost my humanity, you take your gun and shot me right in my back. Understood?»
This hit her heart, as it was him who shot her, but she didn't show it. She had become good at hiding her emotions. He trusted her with his whole life, at the point to give her the permission – the order – to take it away. But now he was not Roy, she was not Riza, any objection was inappropriate, because they were just a colonel and his subordinate. So Riza said what she had to say, hoping, for the first time in her life, not to fulfil a promise. Never.
«Yes, sir»
5th verse
Riza looked at the clock.
03:41
She couldn't sleep. She hadn't slept for almost three days. She was afraid of not hearing the phone.
«You dont't sleep, sir»
«Sometimes»
«That was not a question»
«So what do you need, lieutenant Hawkeye?»
«Not you, if you don't sleep»
03:41
Roy set down on his bed and covered his face with his hands. He couldn't sleep, again. He looked up and saw the night table. The phone. Perhaps…
«You hurt me, lieutenant»
«Colonel» Riza became serious, recalling his attention «Maybe you don't remember, but I've already said it to you: your demons are my demons» - in any moment, in any place. Riza went away.
Riza couldn't sleep. She hadn't slept for almost three days. She was afraid of not hearing the phone. Because after all, they went together through hell. She looked at the clock. 04:15. She sighed and turned around in the bed.
Perhaps… he shaked his head, pushing away that thought – No. You can't do this to her. Not also this.
He got up. He looked again at the phone. He went away, in the kitchen – Maybe tomorrow.
6th verse
Riza got up every morning, and the question was always the same.
Why.
She asked that herself over and over again.
Why here. Why me. Why them. Why death. Why destruction. Why hell.
Lying in wait on some roof of some building which stood still only for some miracle, the Hawk's Eye was quietly vigilant, watching over the soldiers on the ground, so small in her gunsight. To make another one's head exploding has never been so easy. Because, after all, that was what she did every day: make heads exploding. Even theirs. Even children's ones.
Why them. Why them and not me. Why.
Then there was that moment, in which she saw flames somewhere in the streets, and then observed with her gunsight that tiny piece of world. And in that tiny piece of world was her answer. And her answer was that boy, still too young – as her, as everyone else – to stay here in this place, to kill so many people. Even them. Even children. She watched him and then looked around, shooting everyone who was a danger to the soldiers, to him.
Because he was her answer.
Why here.
Because he's here.
Why death. Why destruction. Why hell.
Because she had to avoid death. Avoid that to him.
Why me.
Because I chose it. Because I chose to protect Roy Mustang.
Because I chose Roy Mustang.
8th verse
He had already thought about it. He had already thought about it so many times, he had to stop acting like a little boy, he had to face… face, what… well, everything.
«Lieutenant» Riza turned around, a few steps from him. They had just finished working after a long day. It was late and they had just said their goodbyes before going each one at their apartment.
«Yes?» she asked. Panic. Roy just panicked. And she just said a word.
«I… I carry you home» he invented some sort of excuse
«No need, sir» she turned around
«No! I insist» he quickly reached for her
«Well, if that's an order…»
They walked side by side, in silence. Damn silence. Roy didn't expected silence. Roy had thought about it, he had thought about it many times – so many times – and he had thought this would be the right one – but clearly… no. That was enough. He suddenly stopped right in front of her.
«Yes?» she asked confused for the second time
«Lieutenant… Hawkeye… Riza…»
«Yes, those are quite all my names»
«I… I thought. Many times…»
«Never doubted about it, colonel»
«No! I mean…» Roy runt his hand on his face «I've been thinking about it too much. It's difficult, I…» he couldn't find the words. It was almost impossible. Then he lifted his eyes, looked into hers and his thoughts stopped running, his head stopped spinning and everything went clear «I thought about it for the first time years ago, when I left. When I saw you cry for the first – and I thought it would have been the last – time»
Riza understood what his point was going to be, and she did not like it. She did not like that speech, it would have only hurt the both of them. She tried to cut it off «Colonel, I don't think this is-»
«No! don't tell me this is not appropriate, don't tell me that I'm wrong» Mustang interrupted her «Because I've been thinking about it for almost my whole life and I think that's appropriate, I think that trying to have no regrets it's highly appropriate. If tomorrow'd be my last day on earth, I couldn't stand I had lived my life without doing everything I can to have…»
9th verse
«…you.»
«Sir»
«Riza» he spoke «We've always been thinking it's too late, that the past is now gone and it's just too late. Well this sentence is only half correct: yes, past is gone and we can't change it, and I know for sure that if I had the possibility to turn back time I'd chose you. Before academy, before army, before alchemy, I'd chose you and run away with you, far away from everyone and everything else, from the horrors and the wrongs of the past. However, I can't do this, I can't choose you as my past. But I can chose you as my future. And as I'm full of regrets now for not choosing you in the past, I'm sure I'll be full of regrets in the future, if I don't chose you in the present, if I don't tell you how essential you are in my everyday life. Many other would consider this wrong on many points of view but I don't care, I don't really care. What I truly care now is live every moment whit my loved ones, because one day I'm gonna lose them, because one day I'm gonna run out of time and I wanna be sure I made the most of it. I want you to take my time, Riza Hawkeye, I want you to take all the time I have for you and transform it in something wonderful, as you currently do with the few moments we have.
Please forgive me
I am sorry we had to get to this point for me to get aware. I am sorry it took me so much time. I am sorry for all the pain in those years that I could have prevented. I am also sorry I didn't get drunk before talking to you, it would have probably been a much more deep and less disjointed speech.
For all
But now I'm talking to you with my whole heart and God damn me for be so vulnerable because that expression on your face scares me to death, because I really can't say if you're going to punch me in the face or if you're going to cry, but please don't you cry I couldn't stand it for the third time – when I left, when you thought you lost me – but please just say something because silence would be the worst of answers. Just say something. Say what you want.
I've
Say you want me»
Done.
.
.
.
.
.
So I, I bet my life
Riza stood in silence, and Roy's heart stopped to listen to it
I bet my life,
Then she kept her silence, but she threw her arms around his neck and held him so tight, like she'd never done before – even when she was saying goodbye.
I bet my life on you
«Damn idiot» it was just a whisper in his shoulder, but Roy believed he had eared well, an when she let him go, he thought he was going to receive that punch.
I, I bet my life,
He received a kiss, which hit him in the stomach with almost the same intensity.
I bet my life,
Almost.
I bet my life on you.
author's note_
ooh, well, first of all, I'm very sorry: english is not my mother tongue so I'm pretty sure this text is full of mistakes even if I read it almost 5 times before publishing. Really, very sorry..
Then, uhm, somethings:
- I had to cut some parts of the song because what should have been a short songfic suddenly became this HUGEwhatTHING and I didn't want to get you (or me) bored
- I don't know if they were already colonel and lieutenant (I really doubt it) during Ishval, but I'm not really into military things in general so I didn't want to mess up and kept their grades
- that's the first fanfiction I've ever translate into english so please if there are some mistakes just let me know and I'll correct them, I'd really appreciate
As I said, it's a translation and the original one (if you ever mind) is on my italian account (Hypatia) of EFP at this link: efpfanfic.DELETE ?sid=3737605i=1
and so that's it, thank you everyone for reading my story