Phone Conversations in Smoke-Filled Rooms

by Macho Man Randy Quaid

The Prime Minister gets an interesting call as how to resolve two of his problems: lack of an army and raising population of pesky magical girls. Fortunately, he receives a friendly phone call with a possible solution to both of these issues. *Based on the Dead Kennedy's "Kinky Sex Makes the World Go Round" A warning for political messages.

The Prime Minister sat in his office and read the newspaper. "Magical Girl Crisis Out of Control!" exclaimed the headline, but that's not what particularly concerned the Prime Minister. He was more concerned about the slow rate of economic growth, about rising rival nations in the area, and most importantly about negative public reception to his grand ambitions - his plans to rebuild a great military force for his country. The people despised the idea as they have not had a major military force since the defeat in the last great war and they weren't eager to head down that road again. 'There just has to be a way to build my great imperial army,' he thought, 'as well as solve all these other problems without having to actually do anything!'

Just then, the phone rang. He answered it and it was his secretary. She announced it as a call from the U.S. Department of State. He told her to patch it through. A beep signalled that this was done.

"Hello, Prime Minister's office." He introduced himself, "This is the Prime Minister speaking."

A grave voice answered from the other side of the line. "Greetings!" it said. "This is the Secretary of War at the State Department of the United States." The chorus of hell itself provided a terrible musical accompaniment to his pitch; a sort of demonic cacophony.

"We've got a problem," this devilish voice continued. "The companies are upset about this sluggish, world economic situation! Profits have been on the decline recently, and, welp, we need to stimulate some growth! Now, we KNOW that there are an alarming amount of these young super-powered girls running around in your country with nothing better to do than to stir up panic in the public and damage private property! Doesn't look like they'll ever make themselves useful! It's about time that we did something constructive with these girls! We've got thousands of 'em over here, too! They're crawlin' all over!"

"The companies think that we all sit down, have a serious get together, and use these girls as soldiers in a world war! The president; oh, he just LOVES the idea! The girls flying over head! Raining death on cities below, the native people's all runnin' around, skins on fire! The rest of NATO seem up for it! Hell, Britain and France have both been wanting a real world war for YEARS! Wanna resurrect their dead EMPIRES. And hell, Mali's no fun!"

"So, what do ye say? We don't even have to WIN this war! We just need to cut down on this mutant population! Hell, just start up a secret draft! Draft as MANY of these Sailor Moons as you can! We'll round up as MANY of these powerpuff girls we can get our hands on and we'll spend a month or two indoctrinating them with our propaganda, and we'll just ... send 'em on their way! Iran? How about North Korea? Or maybe a vaguely repressive regime in the Middle East? Hell, we'll just cook up a GOOD Russian threat story in Eastern Europe; we NEED to restore our hegemony on that uppity continent! We had the Ukraine all ready to GO, and Petro Poroshenko's hit squads didn't even show up! Lemme tell you, THAT MAN is UNRELIABLE! We were about ready to let Putin roll his tanks RIGHT IN if he wanted to after that one!"

"Lemme just THINK for a minute! The more of these magical girls that we KILL in this war, the more our economy will PROSPER! And we don't have to worry about popular dissent! It's not like the average citizen even CARES about these freaks!"

"Hmm? Oh, don't worry about any potential demonstrators! Just PUMP UP your NEWS PROPAGANDA! We have so many people believing that these third world countries are cartoonishly evil that they give us full liberty to bomb the shit out of them! Just like with Syria and Iraq! We had everybody thinking that Assad was this master criminal, anti-war movements never got too strong! We kept bombing Syrians just fine! We got our citizenry so distracted with celebrity news that they don't even care if we fund terrorist organizations again! Hell, show them a manifest revealing CIA weapons shipments to al-Qaeda and they won't even know what it LOOKED like!"

"So, what about it? Look, WAR is MONEY! The Pentagon tells me that if we don't have another war then the entire economy is going to collapse! The Europeans are in the same boat! We've all agreed it's time to come to the big one!"

"Now, WHAT'S it gonna be?" the voice finished.

"That's," the Prime Minister replied, "That's marvelous!"

"Excellent!" the voice responded, "We KNEW you'd agree! The companies will be VERY pleased!" The phone hung up on the other line. The Prime Minister smiled.