Lose Those Drapes, Sister!
A Satirical Piece
June 9th, 2007, Cincinnati
"Cyclops!" announced Hugh Jackman as he strode across the room and went into a handstand. Scott Summers, the Cyclops, Entered to see his roommate's fantastical feat of athleticism, "WOW! You sure are good at that Huey!" Jackman fell back on his feet and smiled, "Why thank you Scotty!" The two men laughed as they planted their asses flat on the pink floral couch. "What's new and exciting?" inquired cyclops furtively as he inserted his soother into his mouth. Hugh laughed, "I'm currently doing the voice acting for Flushed Away 2: Escape to Vietnam but I am having difficulty remembering the script!" Cyclops turned, his brain unable to comprehend a fault in his beloved roommate, "What?" asked Scott as his soother fell out of his mouth and plummeted to the floor. "I'm having trouble...remembering!" Hugh jackman lost his fucking mind and leapt from the couch, breaking everything in the apartment he saw, much like a bull in a china shop. "Hugh calm down!" Jackman was too far gone. He then picked up Summers and tossed him out the window, making him fall a full fifty stories before meeting his grisly end. Hugh, now overwhelmed with gilt stripped down to his birthday suit and ran through the streets screaming, until he was ultimately taken away by the police.
June 10th, 2007, the Pentagon
"Come in Matt Damon!" Spoke president George W. Bush as he watched the screen in front of him. "I copy Mister President." Matt Damon replied, A whole 384,400 miles away. This was it. The moment History was waiting for...Apollo 18. This mission, designed by Ridley Scott, would have Matt Damon travel to the moon and exterminate the well known nazi presence there. It was genius. "Apollo...do you have visual on the Nazi base?" there was a moment of static, followed by Damon's distorted voice, "I have no visual yet...HOLD ON!" gunfire came through the speaker and the entire Pentagon held it's breath. "I'm under fire!" Damon shouted through the speaker," Oh my God! There's so many of them!" Suddenly, someone cut the feed. "God damn it!" shouted the president as he slammed the table. "Tommy!" He screamed as he turned to face his most trusted advisor, Tommy Lee Jones, "Get me Hugh Jackman!" Tommy lee Jones, clearly confused, tilted his head and asked, "Sir why do we need Hugh Jackman?" Bush, with the intensity of a million stars looked him dead in the eye and said, "He's the only one who can save us now." Tommy looked back at the president and nodded, he then hurried to his black car and headed for Cincinnati.
June 11th, 2007, Cincinnati's Maximum Security Prison
Hugh Jackman lay there on his cot, staring up at the ceiling, what a mess! Scotty was dead and now he's in prison! Hugh thought about what he had done, long and hard, he then came to the conclusion that he was innocent. I didn't kill scott thought Hugh, the gravity did….no he killed himself. Hugh smiled. It was very comforting to believe that he had nothing to do with it, and since he had nothing to do with it, he was innocent and must escape. Hugh, channeling the powers granted to him, shrank into his rat form, Roddy, and squeezed straight through the bars. He did it. He was free.
June 12th, 2007, Cincinnati's Maximum Security Prison
"What do you mean he escaped!" Screamed Tommy Lee Jones as he firmly gripped the warden's broad shoulders. The warden stuttered and failed to reply, what had happened was impossible. "He...escaped sir. He transformed into an animated anthropomorphic rat and ran through the bars...It was impossible!" Tommy Lee Jones released the man, Jackman was clearly more powerful that he had assumed...and this man had no idea who he was trifling with. "Last we heard he was going to 711...If that helps at all…" Tommy shit his pants. "Of course it does!" he said aloud. Tommy ran as fast as his shit stained trousers would allow. Hugh's favourite shop! 711! That's where he'd be!
June 12th Grand Ave's 711
Almost there...ready...steady...GUSH. Hugh had done it. So many years so many attempts but now...it was a reality. Hugh Jackman had accomplished a feat of physical prowess that the even the most prestigious olympian could only dream of. One by one, Hugh had stuffed the nozzles of each of the slurpee machines into his urethra and pumped their contents into his now swollen phallus. Strawberry, watermelon, the whole lot, now contained in a meaty, vein ridden prison. He could barely hold it any longer...but he would do his best. It was then a door flew open from behind him. There, standing in 17th century french garb, was his nemesis, Russell Crowe. "24601!" shouted Crowe as he drew his sword. Jackman's mind went silent...he focused so hard...and finally let loose on the villain. "ALL I DID WAS STEAL SOME BREAD!" Jackman spewed an ungodly amount of slurpee fluid at Russell with lethal force, but Crowe smiled, he had him right where he wanted him. Using his beautiful mind, Crowe blocked the assault with his telekinetic abilities, then ran forward with his sword. Jackman then, with his unbelievably large cock, swatted at the inspector and sent him soaring out the window. Russell Crowe skidded across the pavement of the parking lot, teeth flying in all directions. He was down for the count. Several police cars soon flooded the parking lot, racing over the bloodied corpse of the esteemed actor. The police formed a perimeter and drew their arms, pointing them at Jackman. "Hugh Jackman! We know you're in there! Come outside now! We just want to talk to you!" Shouted Tommy Lee Jones. Hugh Jackman knew he couldn't...it was a trick...He knew it was. So hugh Jackman did the only thing he could do...spew copious amounts of slurpee out of his cock. The sheer force of Hugh's assault tore through the supports of surrounding buildings and police cars alike, the onslaught continued for what seemed like days, That was until Tommy Lee Jones' plucky assistant, Will Smith, rocketed from the clouds with his renowned jet pack. "Did somebody order an ass-kicking casserole?" "FUCK!" Shouted Jackman as he tucked his dick back into his pants and sprinted away from the scene. He thought he would go undetected but no...Smith's eagle-like eyes picked him up the second he left the building. Will smiled and rocketed towards the assailant, Jackman thought about his escape and how fucking sick it would be should he do his next stunt...but unfortunately for him Willy had a different idea in mind. Smith, with the strength and girth of ten men, thrusted his massive shaft right into hugh jackman's mouth, pinning him against a nearby hospital's wall. "Not so fast Jackie boy!" Smith mocked as he looked victoriously at the struggling Jackman. Jackman was scared for the very first time in his life, was his number really up? Ney you negative nellies, Jackman, with just one of his muscular arms, slammed against the hospital wall behind him, making the concrete shatter and crack like bits of glass. "Oh damn!" Will exclaimed as the hospital began to fall down in his direction. As the shadow grew over the two, and as soon as Hugh noticed that Will was distracted, he made his move. Hugh bit down hard on the Willy stick. Will shrieked in pain as Jackman swallowed it whole and threw the actor to the ground, not soon after, milliseconds even, the building collapsed on top of smith, and from the dust and rubble...rose Hugh Jackman. "Noooo!" Screamed Tommy Lee Jones at the sight of his decimated companion. Jackman then walked towards Tommy and put his hand on his shoulder in a comforting fashion, "I'm sorry Tommy...I really am." Tommy looked up at the genuine expression of sadness on Jackman's face as he felt tears fill his eyes, "He was a good ma-" Before Tommy could finish, Jackman opened his mouth to expose Will Smith's massive cock sticking out from it. Jackman smiled, but Tommy was speechless, "Will?...Is that really you?" The man gland perked up and seemed to look around, before a flurry of piss and kidney stones hit Tom right in the eye. He was real upset now! His partner's penis was being puppeteered by Hugh Jackman's tongue like some sort of sick joke! "Oh give me that!" Tommy shouted sternly as he tore the phallus from Jackman's mouth and hastily stuffed it in his pocket. Jackman's hysterical laughter which soon followed did not last, as Tommy knocked him unconscious with a single wallop.
Earthquake.
The cost to the man was great. Too great some might say...but to him the sacrifice was not in vein. Across the desert a proud man strided through the seemingly endless dunes. Until of course...he found it; The old Scarab Temple. "Finally." the man said aloud as he strode through the massive stone doorway. The man walked to the far wall of the temple and fell to his knees, his cloak still shrouding his visage. "I need to know." The man said to the wall before him. "I've come so far and I need to know the truth...even if it kills me." Pastor Tobey removed his hood to better see the mural of the Goldbloom. "I have heard whispers...is my son truly alive?"
June 13th 2007, Guantanamo Bay
Jackman awoke to see the sleepless face of Tommy come into focus. "Hello you son of a bitch." Jackman struggled but he was restrained...and restrained ever so tightly. "What do you want with me!? I have done nothing wrong!" Tommy, having just lost his partner at the hands of this madman, naturally had some objections to that statement, but saw there was no arguing with Hugh. "Your country needs you son. Matt Damon is Trapped on the moon. You need to go there and bring him back. Jackman thought for a moment, that was a tall order, especially since it was on the moon and all. "I will do it...but I want something in return." Tommy rolled his eyes, "What." Jackman bit his lip then gave a deranged smile, "I want a lizard...a big one. I want him covered from head to toe in peanut butter and then I want a little stetson for him and a matching one for myself."
"Verywell." Tommy said as he stormed out of the prison cell.
June 14th, 2007, NASA base in Florida
Tom looked up at the viewscreen to see Jackman sitting comfortably at the bottom of the launchpad with a massive saturn iv rocket shoved halfway up his puckered asshole. "Ready?" Asked Tommy tentatively, Jackman, being badass, didn't give a fuck and flipped off the camera, much to their enjoyment. The loudspeaker began; "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...LIFT OFF!" Jackman fucking hauled ass into space. Hugh moaned with satisfaction as he booked it through the stars and collided head first with the moon's surface. Tommy wiped tears from his eyes...Matt would soon be home.
June 14th, 2007 Earth's Moon.
Hugh Jackman took in a breath of fresh air and bolted towards the Nazi moonbase. Space Nazis on hover bikes closed in from all sides, firing lasers and missiles, but it was no use at all. Jackman tore through them like wet tissue paper. Jackman kicked, bucked, and fucked ;) his way through the Nazi hordes, until he saw him...It was Matt Damon! He had grabbed one of the Nazi's lazer weapons and was defending himself in a small fortification...but he wouldn't last long! Nazi Speeder bikes were coming up fast! Jackman knew what he had to do...he pulled down the neck of his turtleneck to reveal not one, but two testicals hanging from his chin. "あなたはすでに死んでいる" He exclaimed as he tugged hard on the jiggly nutsack. Every Nazi that surrounded Damon then slowly began to levitate...just as Jackman had planed. "Two shakes of a lambs ass…" Hugh Jackman exclaimed proudly as he tugged a second and final time on his chin testicals. All nazi's screamed in agony as they slowly were torn apart at a molecular level leaving nothing but dust.
Meanwhile…
June 14th, 2007, Tommy Lee Jones' personal quarters
Tommy Lee Jones lay in his bed looking out the window. He felt he couldn't look away from the moon...he kept wondering if jackman would be successful or not. He hoped so. His Will...his dearest will was dead. He then turned away from the moon and looked at the ceiling. His partner Will Smith was gone. The same image of the hospital collapsing on him just kept flowing through his mind. He needed comfort...and he knew where to get it. He rolled over towards his nightstand, opened the drawer and looked inside. His temptation getting the better of him, he grabbed the object that lie with in with ravenous intent. He looked at it in the moonlight...it was the severed penis of Will Smith. "Oh willy…" he said aloud as he stroked it, "...Oh how I miss you." He then felt it...slightly at first but noticeable nonetheless...he felt a desire. He needed Will and he needed him now. Tom slowly inserted Willy's willy into his bum bum. Tommy Lee Jones moaned with delight as he tickled his naughtly hole with the cadaver. Despite the friction and his anus' resistance, Tommy decided to push this little endeavour further. He screamed and felt the blood rush past his fingers as managed to fill himself the the brim with the entirety of Will Smith's shaft.
Back to the moon…
Hugh Jackman, now carrying Matt Damon like an infant, carried him back to the already established launchpad. "There there," Hugh Jackman said as he placed Damon on the tarmac with care, "Let's get you home." But then...He heard it, weapon's discharge, only ten feet away from their position! Jackman, using his animalistic instincts, used Damon as a shield to block the laser blast. Damon screamed and toppled to the floor. Hugh, in terror, looked up to see something he would never forget...it was Hitler...Mecha-Hitler. Mecha Hitler was at least tenthousdand feet tall and was entirely crafted out of steel alloy. He had missile launcher tits and laser eyes also. "Heil me!" Screeched the towering cyborg as he looked down at Hugh Jackman. Jackman then fell to his knees, holding the now dying Damon, "I am so sorry! He must have snook up on us!" Mecha-Hitler chuckled a moon-shattering chuckle and looked down upon the doomed Hugh Jackman. "I am ze size of a mountain! You have no power over me! You are like a RAT to me!" Then the unthinkable...Hugh remembered all of his lines for Flushed Away 2: Escape to Vietnam! Jackman finally pieced it together, He just had to be himself all along! "Of course! A RAT!" Jackman said aloud. Mecha-Hitler expressed his confusion through his massive metal eyebrows, "Vat? I do nazi understand!" Jackman stood, put his hands on his hips and exclaimed, "It isn't size Hitler...It's how you use it!" Then, Jackman shrank into his titular 'Roddy' form and climbed up Mecha-Hitler's leg. "Vat are you doing!" Hitler screamed as Rat Jackman reached his metallic crotch. "Just evening out the other side!" Then Jackman severed Mecha-Hitler's single testical (Which was also the nuculaer reactor powering him) with his massive rat incisors. "Noooooooo!" screamed Mecha-Hitler as he combusted in a ball of nuclear fire.
Hurricane
It was then pastor Toby received a vision, a vision of fire and blood...but then he saw the unthinkable...his son, Walter Jr was alive all along! He was just with his caring brother-in-law, ASAC Hank Schrader! Pastor Toby then Sprinted full tilt out of Egypt and towards Albuquerque, New Mexico, Praising the Goldblum the whole way home.
June 15th, Nasa Base in Florida
Nasa workers surrounded the crash site. The crater was several metres in diameter was still smoking. Everyone, Including Tommy Lee Jones, Feared the worst. "Well?" Tommy asked one of the workers. The Worker wiped sweat from his brow, "There is a lot of rubble here Mr Jones...It'll take hours to clear the crash site." "Christ." Tommy replied through gritted teeth. Then, from the rubble, emerged Hugh Jackman and a perfectly healed Matt Damon! The two men embraced, hooted and hollered, along with all of the Nasa people. "How did you return to Earth!?" Tommy asked, completely dumbfounded, Hugh chuckled, "When Mecha-Hitler exploded, the blast was so strong we just rode the shockwave back to Earth!" Tommy Lee Jones applauded and patted them on the back. "Welcome home boys...welcome home."
THE END
Jan 18th 2018, The Pentagon 2:00 AM
"I'm sorry to call you at such a terrible hour Mr. Fury." Tommy Lee Jones said as he shook Nick Fury's Leather-gloved hand. "No problem at all," He replied with a sarcastic tone. "We have just begun to analyze the wreckage of Mecha-Hitler on the moon...it's taken us centuries to bring it all back here for analysis. "So?" Fury asked impatiently as he tripped over his bunny slippers. Tommy stopped and looked at Fury. He started to tear up. "You need to see this." A door slid open to reveal a piece of metal plating. "I don't get it." Fury said as he sipped his camomile tea. "Look again." Tommy urged. Nik looked again and saw it. He spit out his Tea and got a closer look. "You've gotta be shitting me." The piece of metal was engraved with a logo...a logo that read: Lucasfilm.