This was written by myself and stay .traught .suckas almost two years ago! I figured it was about time to post it. So, here it is!
Two point of views. Maebry Zabini's is underlined, and Mercury Malfoy's is in italics.
25 Things not to do at Hogwarts
1. I will not lock Rose and Scorpius in a broom closet to 'see what happens'.
Getting the Gryffindor and the Slytherin, respectively, into the closet was the easy part. Making sure there were no fatalities was a bit harder. They had their wands, so you never know. But that's why I did it. To see what happens. Turns out they used their wands and broke out together. When in trouble, blame the nearest person and run. So that's what I did.
Conclusion: Nice one, Maebry. Lock my nephew in a closet with a Weasley. Actually, that's pretty hilarious.
2. –nor will I owl their parents with the false details.
I get to do the evil, fun part.
Dear Draco and Astoria,
Someone told me that Scorp was found locked in a broom closet with a certain Rose Weasley. Apparently, they also said that the two came out looking rather ruffled, so I'm not sure what happened between the two. I just thought that you might like to know that Scorp's been hanging out with a Weasley.
Your sister,
Mercury Malfoy
Scorp is a great nephew and friend, don't get me wrong, but we love to annoy the magic out of each other. Now I'm done for today, so now he has to find a worthy way to get back at me.
And now for Weasley's parents…
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Weasley,
I was just wondering if Rose told you, but she and Scorpius Malfoy were found locked in a broom closet together. They were actually pretty mussed up, so I don't know if you know what happened. She being your daughter, I just thought you wanted to know.
Just a concerned classmate
I'm concerned if the two shall live once their parents find out…
Conclusion: Wow, my ears are still ringing from those Howlers they got…
3. I will not charm a lightning scar onto James Potter's forehead and claim that Voldemort is back and ready to kill.
James is a great friend, but we prank the hell out of each other. That's the best kind of friendship. Now, it's my turn, and this is going to be awesome. A simple glamour spell on his forehead and now he has a scar just like his dad! We read all about his father in History of Magic. It's the only cool thing about that class.
And after I put the glamour spell on James, when he walked into the Great Hall, I paid some first year kid to point at his fake scar and yell. "Oh, Merlin! Voldemort's back! He gave James a scar and he's gonna kill us all!" The expressions, the mass hysteria and panic, and shrieks were priceless.
Conclusion: Once they found out who cast the glamour spell, Mercury got a week's detention. I don't really care as long as I don't get in trouble, but that was hysterical! But Potter did get Mercury back good. Now they both have to write lines for a week. Suckers.
4. I will not give Professor Longbottom a fake python plush named Nagini for his birthday.
I just handed him a giant snake plush. Simple as that. I even made the snake a name tag that said Nagini on it. It was a gift. Geez, Professor…
Conclusion: I think Professor Longbottom has an irrational fear of snakes named Nagini, or something. That's not a reason for 20 points from Slytherin, though.
5. I will not scare Albus Potter by saying that everyone who gets sorted into Slytherin will be evil and that his dad was lying.
When Albus got sorted into Slytherin, I was there, sitting right beside him. Apparently if you whisper to him that everyone in the House is evil and is planning to overthrow the Headmistress, he'll freak out and faint. Poor, little boy.
Conclusion: Albus Potter needs some time getting used to Slytherin House. We are certainly not evil. Well, not that evil.
6. –nor will I say that in Slytherin, everyone's parents were Death Eaters.
As soon as he regained consciousness, I asked him if he was aware that everyone in Slytherin's parents was Death Eaters. Just wanted to see how he would react…
Conclusion: He fainted again. We really need to work on that boy if he is to be a Slytherin.
7. I will not get Teddy Lupin a fake Muggle "Were-wolf paw" for good luck.
He was just going to his first Quidditch match of the year and I told Maebry to give his this little gift and see how he likes it. Maebry gave it to him, and she said when he opened it, he accused her of magical creature killing.
Conclusion: Teddy Lupin does not like disembodied werewolf paws, real or not.
8. –nor will I ask if he can speak dog.
He was just walking down the Hall to Charms, and my friends and I were bored. So Scarlet Pucey asked him if he could speak dog.
Conclusion: Scarlet got a prompt glare from Teddy and a few points deducted from Slytherin by the Prefect. So... just don't ask.
9. –or ask why he hates Professor McGonagall.
After getting points taken away for that previous question, Scarlet decided to ask another question, which wasn't necessarily as nice…
Conclusion: One word. Detention.
10. –even if he does not hate her and her cat animagus.
Yea, he kind of explained that to Scars after deducting points.
Conclusion: Teddy Lupin, despite his father, does not hate Professor McGonagall's animagus form.
11. I will not give Lorcan and Lysander Scamander Nargles and tell then it's from their mom.
Catching Nargles is very, very hard. First of all, you need mistletoe. And a jar, and possibly a net. Definitely your wand and some bandages if they try to eat your hand. And once you get them in the jar, that's when you mail them to Lorcan and Lysander, signed from their mom. A jar of Nargles for you!
Conclusion: Apparently their mother taught them about Nargle safety, so the promptly released the Nargles into a bunch of mistletoe and nobody's hand got eaten. That could be considered good and bad.
12. –nor shall I give then a fake horn and tell them it came from a Crumple-Horned Snorkack.
So James thought it would be funny to send them a fake Crumple-Horned Snorkack horn. He just took a goat horn, painted it, and placed it in a box labeled Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Just mail it to the Ravenclaw twins and wait. Simple as that.
Conclusion: Well, some people freak out a lot over fake exploding but not really exploding horns…
13. –or ask them if they want to be bitten by a gnome
"Hey, Lorcan, Lysander, do you ever want to be bitten by a gnome?"
"Not really; why do you ask?"
Conclusion: None, really.
14. –especially if I actually have gnome.
-shrug- "No reason, just curi –" -gnome escapes from the box it was in-
"Ahh! It bit me!"
"Um…th-that's not my fault! I didn't think it would escape! Erm... stupefy!"
"Well, at least it's not moving anymore…"
Conclusion: Gnome bites suck. Don't ever bring those little buggers with you. Anywhere.
15. I will not ask Scorpius Malfoy if his dad has a Dark Mark on his arm.
Are you kidding me? I'm not going to ask him that. Make Darien do it…
"Hey, Scorpius!"
-cautiously- "What do you want, Darien?"
"Does your dad have a Dark Mark on his arm?"
"Piss off, Zabini. I don't see why it's any of your business."
Conclusion:If you do ask, he gets very angry. He gets so red, a Weasley might be jealous.
16. –nor will I ask if he inherited it as well.
"Is it not my business because you inherited it, too?"
"Twenty points from Slytherin!"
"…"
Conclusion: Darien did NOT just go there… Now we'll never win the House Cup.
17. –nor shall I ask him if he's as bad a player as his dad
Firstly, wait until after he's cooled down from that Dark Mark question. He'll probably hex you right then and there if you don't.
"Hey, Scorp!"
"What now, Mercury?"
"Just wondering since your dad, my brother, was such a player, that you are as well?"
"Why don't you ask yourself the same question, sister of said player?"
"Because I don't feel like it. Duh."
"Then why'd you even ask me?"
Conclusion: Touché, Scorpius. Touché.
18. –or tell him Rose Weasley wanted to know
"I didn't ask you. Rose Weasley wanted to know."
"…"
Conclusion: Hah, he also blushes so hard that a Weasley would be jealous.
19. I will not ask Dominique Weasley if she has found her mate yet
She's only one eighth veela, you know. But asking wouldn't hurt, no?
Conclusion: She apparently doesn't not give a rat's arse for that very same reason. Only one eighth…
20. –or tell her that she's going to die if she doesn't.
Everyone knows about a veela and their mate. Of course, not everyone know about the dying part, but hey, you learn something new every day at Hogwarts!
Conclusion: It's no fun taunting her if she still does not give a rat's arse.
21. I will not plant illegal love potions in Roxanne Weasley's trunk and book bag
A little pink vial labeled "Love Potion". Check. Put it in Roxanne Weasley's bag. Check. After all, most love potions are illegal anyway.
Conclusion: When bag check comes along, you apparently get two weeks detention for having an illegal love potion. Sucks for her.
22. –even if it is just pumpkin juice
They didn't even check if it was real love potion! How pathetic is that?
Conclusion: Hogwarts' security really is quite unreliable sometimes, isn't it?
23. I will not tell Teddy Lupin to go eat McGonagall come the full moon
Apparently, that Teddy has NO sense of humor. At all.
Conclusion: Detention and 20 points from Slytherin has become a common occurrence...
24. –even if her animagus is a cat
"MCGONAGALL DOESN'T SOUND APPETIZING! CAT OR NOT!"
Conclusion: McGonagall gives strange looks to those who shout things like that in the middle of the Great Hall...
25. I will not spike the punch bowl at the soon-to-come Quidditch party with firewhiskey and get everyone wasted
I still can't believe Madam Rosmerta gave us the bottle of firewhiskey! It's even stranger that Filch didn't check it.
Conclusion: Some of those first years were absolutely amazing!