Title: Behind Blue Eyes
Words: 3453
Spoilers: Cyberwoman
Summary: "What gives you that right? To decide these things for others. What makes you so much better than the rest of us? Why do you seem to be exempt from all of the rules you make us live by. Tell me Jack... How is that fair? And tell me, how the hell is it fair, after you've done all this, to ask 'Why didn't you trust me?' Here's my question. Why should I? Give me a reason. Cause God knows I can't think of one." Jack confronts Ianto in the aftermath of Cyberwoman only to discover that he might have been as responsible as Ianto for the some events that occurred.
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood. If I did, Ianto would most likely rule the world, Tosh and Owen would be married, Gwen wouldn't have cheated on Rhys, Jack and Ianto would be married with kids, PC Andy and John Hart would be members of the team... Alas I own nothing. The plot however is mine.
A/N: Wow it's been a long time since I've written anything for this site. I'm really sorry for the wait. I was hit by a severe case of writer's block. I've hopefully gotten over that now though and have a few ideas for Torchwood and Glee that I'm developing so hopefully the wait until the next update won't be as long! This fanfic is basically the confrontation between Jack and Ianto. It covers Lisa, guilt, and a certain dose of retcon mentioned in my previous fanfics; 'Bright Blue Eyes' and 'Broken Blue Eyes'. You don't have to read them to understand this story but it does help. Most of what has happened is explained at some point during this fanfic though. If there's anything that you don't understand, feel free to drop a review or pm me about it. One more thing I have to mention before I finish this incredibly long author's note (I'm really sorry about that by the way) is to say a huge thank you to anyone who has reviewed, alerted or read any of my stories. It makes my day to know that people read and actually enjoy my work. Also a huge thank you to anyone who has alerted or favorited me as an author. I think I went into shock the first time that happened! So thank you! A special thanks goes in particular to The Whisperer's Song who was a huge help to me in finally defeating my writer's block. You're an absolute star and I am very grateful for your support. Sorry again for the lengthy author's note! Enjoy! x
Jack stood in silence, watching as the broken man before him wept. Standing impassively as his colleague grasped desperately at the body that lay before him. Agony stretched across his features. Somehow Jack felt it wasn't just Lisa he was crying for. Behind him he heard the whir of the cog door signifying the departure of Toshiko from the hub. Turning back to the sobbing person before him Jack couldn't help but wonder what had happened to the incredibly brave young boy he'd met all those years ago.
He'd never forgotten him. Well... maybe for a bit. It was hard to remember everyone when you lived as long as Jack had. Memories began to fade, names and faces mixed up, cherished moments became nothing but blur of sounds, laughs, smiles, tears, kisses, betrayals, heartbreak, death...
Still, he'd often thought of the little boy who'd seen his mother torn apart in front of him. The bravery he'd seen in the welsh boy's eyes had amazed Jack. He realised now that it was more to do with being able to hide emotions than bravery... he'd hidden everything from Jack.
Tear filled eyes tore away from where they'd been blankly staring at the bloodied corpse that was once, Jack guessed, a beautiful woman. He watched closely as the Welshman carefully schooled his features to appear calm and collected the same facade he had shown every day since Ianto's first day at Torchwood. The only time he'd even let his guard down was that moment in the warehouse when their eyes had met. So much had changed since then. Where before Jack would have believed in the mask that the man in front of him presented, an illusion of calm, Jack could now clearly see the emotions raging within the man's captivating eyes.
The same eyes that had haunted him for many nights since that night at the warehouse. He'd felt drawn in by them. So much pain, so much suffering. His eyes were far too old for someone so young. The guilt Jack felt at this revelation was overpowering. A part of him felt he should have done something. That it was his fault. That he should have realised what was happening with Lisa, made an effort to include the Welshman in team activities instead of abandoning him in the hub while the rest of the team had fun. Just given the poor man a friend. Somebody to talk to, trust, confide in. Given him a chance instead of treating him as nothing but the 'tea boy'.
The guilt Jack felt just increased his anger at his employee. Why hadn't he told Jack or another member of the team what he was planning? Didn't he trust anyone? Surely he should have realised that the team would have at least tried to save Lisa? How could he think that hiding Lisa from him... the team was alright? Jack seethed as he took in the Welshman's glare, all thoughts of remorse quickly fleeing his mind. Who did he think he was? He had no right to be angry at anyone after what he'd done. He betrayed Jack... the team. Though he'd never admit it, that knowledge made Jack feel as broken as the man who stood before him.
"You're lucky you know. If this were Torchwood One you'd have been lying dead on the floor with a bullet in your head before you even had the chance to say sorry. Torchwood rules; any betrayal against the crown and British Empire will result in death. And Torchwood London were always ones to follow those rules by the book. Hell they invented the damn thing." All Jack received was a blank stare and a scoff at the word 'lucky'.
"I should kill you. You endangered the team by bringing her here. She wasn't human, she was already dead. You brought a highly dangerous and lethal alien into Torchwood. You knew what the risks were when you brought her here. You were there. I wasn't and I know how dangerous they are. They almost destroyed the earth and successfully brought down Torchwood London. You saw what they were capable of Ianto! How could you think she would be any different? Because of you Torchwood Cardiff almost went down the same way London did." Jack's eyes bore into the man before him.
"All because of one man's mistake. That's all it takes. One bad decision that leads to mass slaughter. Why didn't you tell us? We might have been able to help. We'd at least have tried. Didn't you trust me?"
Ianto stared incredulously at the man before him. Had he seriously just asked that question?
"Trust? You think I'd trust you. After all you've put me through; you'd be the last person I'd ever confide in. I wonder... Do you even remember me? I doubt it. All those years ago... It was supposed to be a fun day out. Visiting London with my sister and mother. No abusive father waiting to harm us. For once we were safe, we were happy. Of course it didn't last... nothing ever does." He noticed that beyond the strong hero-like stance that his boss always wore, there were signs of doubt beginning to spread across his features. And was that guilt? Good.
"I remember racing along the streets of London with Rhi. I was so full of excitement that day. Then I noticed mum wasn't walking behind us. I'd run back, to make sure she'd hurry up. I wasn't the most patient of children. It was then I saw it. The weevil. Of course at the time I didn't know it was one. I was young and full of innocence back then... I just thought it was a monster. The pain I felt when it attacked me seems insignificant now. Even at the time the loss of my mum hurt more than anything physical ever could." He stopped to take a deep breath before continuing.
"I thought I was going to die, and it scared me. Then you rushed in like some kind of comic book hero that I used to read about. You saved me. But a part of me still hated you even then. I hated you because you were too late. You didn't save her. Of course that was nothing compared to what you did next." He smirked bitterly at the silence from the normally loud and outrageous captain.
"You retconned me. Wiped my memory of what happened. I guess I can understand your logic behind it. You probably thought you were saving me from a lifetime of grief. Protecting me from the memories that would haunt my dreams. You were wrong. I still had the nightmares, but I'd wake up and immediately forget what I'd dreamed of. And I may not have known why, but there was always a part of me that felt empty. Hiding a problem doesn't fix it Jack. If anything, you made it worse. For years I believed that my mum had died in a car accident." Ianto had given up trying not to cry now as he felt the tears streak down his cheeks.
"You made me forget how my own mother died. What gives you that right? To decide these things for others. What makes you so much better than the rest of us? Why do you seem to be exempt from all of the rules you make us live by. Tell me Jack... How is that fair? And tell me, how the hell is it fair, after you've done all this, to ask 'Why didn't you trust me?' Here's my question. Why should I? Give me a reason. Cause God knows I can't think of one." The captain looked slightly shaken by Ianto's words. For a few moments an uncomfortable silence hung in the air.
Jack stood in silence as Ianto talked, each word was like a blow to the invisible barrier that Jack had constructed around himself to protect himself from the pain of other people's emotions, other people's words. This was where he hid the real Jack, the vulnerable Jack. The Jack Harkness that hid behind a cocky attitude and swagger. The one who fell in love and was heartbroken every time death snatched them away. Even when he was in relationships, he usually maintained this barrier to some extent to ease the loss when he lost them. No one had even managed to truly tear through these barriers until now. This simple 21st century man was demolishing these defences like they'd been formed by cardboard. Then again, Ianto had always been far more than simple.
At the last question, Jack felt all of the air drag out of his lungs. How could he answer a question like that? He didn't even know the answer. Everyday Jack had doubts about his own actions. He found it difficult to trust his own judgement, how was he supposed to inspire trust from his colleagues when he still had no faith in himself?
"Ianto... I'm sorry for what happened that day. It was wrong of me not to give you the choice but... you were so young. So brave. You had your whole life ahead of you. I didn't want you to live your life, constantly haunted by your memories. Trust me, I know from experience that those kind of memories just make you grow up much too fast. I guess I hoped that by erasing the memories, I'd save you from any more pain. I guess it wasn't meant to be. You ended up in Torchwood London. At least I know you put that brilliant young mind to use. Apart from Torchwood, you had a reasonably normal life. You had friends, a girlfriend. You were happy, even if it was only for a little while... I'm sorry. For what happened at Canary Wharf. I tried to tell Yvonne it was a bad idea but... you know what she was like once she'd gotten an idea. Nobody could stop her; certainly not the 'rogue' Torchwood Three...
Maybe I shouldn't have retconned you that day. I guess I should have given you a choice at least. You hadn't seen much. You were still young; nobody would have believed your stories. They'd have thought you were being childish. I know I should have but... I couldn't. I didn't forget you Ianto. I still remember the brave little boy who watched his mother get mauled by a weevil and was still able to hold a conversation. I admired him for his bravery. For some reason though it was your eyes that really captured my interest. I guess there was something in them that was exceptional. Maybe bravery, determination, intelligence. Sometimes I wonder if it was understanding. The reason I never forgot you was because you reminded me of someone. You reminded me of... well me. And it scared the hell out of me. My life is not something I've ever been proud of. I've made so many bad decisions. I've lost count of the amount of lives my lack of planning has caused me... well you know firsthand how impulsive I can be."
Just for a brief moment, barely noticeable to anyone not paying close attention, the barest whisper of a smile flashed across the Welshman's face. So brief that Jack began to doubt it had been there in the first place. Nonetheless he continued.
"I want you to know that while it may not have been the best idea, at the time I fully believed that retconning you would save you from living your life haunted by grief. I wanted you to have a normal life. I see far too many people die. For once, just once, I wanted one of the victims to survive and find happiness. I made a mistake. I'll admit that. For that I am sorry. However I cannot apologise for my actions today. They were necessary. The Lisa you loved was dead the moment the cyber-conversion began. Nothing could save her. I wish there could have been a way but... she was a monster. She had to be killed and I'm sorry but no matter what, I can't feel any regrets for protecting the planet from a threat like that."
A look of hurt and anger swept over the suited man's features as his eyes briefly flickered over the half-converted body of Lisa Hallet which still lay at his feet. The look of anger lessened slightly when he turned to take in the body of the mutilated Pizza Delivery Girl, guilt taking its place.
"You may think she was a monster, but she wasn't. For a very long time after the battle of Canary Wharf she was still human, she was still Lisa. And we loved each other. She'd fought so hard against it. She told me she could feel it, this other part of her, the cyber part. She said it was pushing her out. She told me she was losing. That's why I called in the Cybernetics expert. I had to save her. She means... meant the world to me. For a moment I thought he'd saved her. For the first time since Canary Wharf, Lisa was breathing on her own. I thought she was alive. I believed she was finally safe. That's when it won. She died tonight Jack, not at Canary Wharf. I realised when she tried to kill me... No. I realised when she'd killed Dr Tanzaki. My Lisa would never kill. I'm sorry, but I just wasn't ready to let her go. It's like you said before. For one moment in my life, I was happy. I had a job, a girlfriend and great friends. I'd already lost my job and friends at Canary Wharf. Lisa was all I had left... I couldn't lose her too." With that the tears that the Welshman had been holding back spilled over and rolled down his cheeks.
Jack was almost tempted to reach out to the grieving man and pull him into a hug. The rational part of Jack reminded him that the man in front of him had caused the deaths of two innocents but Jack decidedly ignored that part of his brain as he strode across the hub and rapped the sobbing man in a warm embrace. He felt Ianto latch onto him like a lifeline as he wept. Jack slowly soothed the sobbing man, tracing calming circles on his back.
After a while, Ianto calmed slightly and looked up at Jack. His eyes were red and blotchy from tears and his hair was a dishevelled mess from where Ianto had run his hair through it earlier. All in all, it was the most vulnerable Jack had ever seen the man in front of him look. It reminded Jack just how young he was, too young to go through this kind of pain.
Ianto watched as his boss strode up to his office before grabbing something from one of his desk drawers and returning to the main area of the hub. He noticed that the man before him attempted, and failed, to give him a reassuring smile. The effort was appreciated all the same. He felt Jack gently take his hand before placing something small within it and closing Ianto's fist around it.
"You've been through so much Ianto. You're still so young. You shouldn't have to live your life full of this kind of regret. You deserve more than that. However at the same time, your years with Torchwood One were some of the happiest of your life. You deserve to keep those memories...
In your hand is a dose of retcon that will wipe your memory of everything to do with Torchwood London, Cardiff, everything. It will be as if you never heard of Torchwood or discovered what a weevil was, it will also wipe the truth about your mother's death. I'm giving you a month's suspension to make your choice. Forget everything or return to Torchwood and continue the battle for the earth against the rift... I know what decision I'd make but my decisions, no matter how good the intentions, don't always work out as planned. You know that better than anyone." The man eyes met Ianto's and the Welshman saw the sudden rush of emotions within them. He could see the anger but also the guilt in the man's eyes but perhaps most shocking of all he saw a weird form of desperation reflected in the eyes in front of him. The intensity of his gaze caused Ianto's breath to catch in his throat slightly. The man before him offered a slight smile.
"I'm giving you the choice this time. I hope you make the right one." Ianto stared as Jack his hand grasped the tiny pill within his palm tightly.
"And for the record Ianto. I'm sorry for your losses."
With that, Jack strode off into the depths of the hub, turning briefly to catch what could be the last glimpse he ever got of the brilliant man that was 'Jones. Ianto Jones.' For a few moments the two men's eyes met once more. Emotions and silent apologies passed between them before the Welshman turned and left leaving Jack to watch in silence at the cog door shut with a clang...
A month later, Jack sat at his desk growing more and more worried as the day continued. Had Ianto taken the retcon? Jack certainly wouldn't blame him. He certainly wouldn't mind forgetting a thing or two about his own past. The American's eyes swept across the hub below where Toshiko was being quieter than usual and Owen was yelling at Gwen about 'bloody rubbish coffee'. Jack knew that both Tosh and Owen were also worried about the Welshman. Gwen didn't really know him that well but the rest of them had worked with Ianto for a while now. He'd always known that Toshiko had been quite fond of Ianto and vice versa. They'd always treated one another with respect. Something that both Owen and Suzie had been lacking in. As for Owen, Jack knew he cared for Ianto in his own little way. The banter between the two men was merely Owen's own twisted way of showing affection. Not that much different to an older brother picking on their younger sibling really.
Jack was broken from his trance by a knock on his door. He turned to see Gwen standing in the doorway. He beckoned her in and she walked over to stand beside him.
Gwen slowly approached Jack and tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder. 'Jack? Are you Ok? You seem a little... upset.'
'It's nothing Gwen. Don't worry.' She frowned as Jack shrugged her hand off his shoulder confused as to what could have triggered his behaviour. Then something in her mind clicked into place.
'This is about Ianto isn't it?' A nod. 'He'll come back. This is Torchwood. It's insane and mad and it ruins your life. We all know it but... we just can't walk away. Not after living life like that. Once you join Torchwood, you're here till it kills you. He'll be back Jack. Trust me' she smiled as he offered her an attempt at his usual cocky grin.
'Of course he will.' They both turned as they heard the tell tale sound of the hub cog door whirring open.
Internally Jack grinned and resisted the urge to punch the air as he watched Ianto enter the hub. He'd honestly believe that he'd never see him again. He'd believed for a moment that this witty, caring, brave, intelligent and incredible man had walked out of his life forever. The relief he felt that this wasn't the case was overwhelming. A part of Jack began to panic as he realised this. In a job like this, you couldn't afford to become attached to your co-workers. When you worked for Torchwood dying young wasn't a risk, it was an inevitability. If he allowed himself to grow too attached to the Welshman... the consequences of losing him could be devastating.
Jack decided to pointedly ignore this part of his brain, instead basking in the fact that Ianto had decided to return to Torchwood. To return to Jack. A pair of blue eyes searched his out as they gazed up to Jack's office. They were filled with emotions some which Jack found hard to decipher. One emotion however stood out from the rest. Trust. Jack fought hard against the urge to smile as he nodded to Ianto. As he nodded back Jack felt an emotion long forgotten springing to the surface. For the first time in years Jack felt... Hope.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know what you thought of it! Loved it? Loathed it? Thought it was ok? Drop me a review! Also, I now take requests (in an attempt to prevent another writer's block) so if anyone had any ideas they want me to turn into a fanfic, let me know!