One day Soulja Boy walked out of a Church's Chicken fastfood resturnat and found a little black book between the resturnant and the bus stop. He dropped his chicken and grape drink and flashed his grill while hastly reaching for the book.
"Aww, shit dawg! Sum dumb nigga dropped his numbah book! I nah dem sum bitches numbah in dat!"
But when he picked it up he saw there were silver letters on it that said "Death Note". Soulja Boy opened the book and there was a list of rules inside. It read:
-The human whose name is written in this note shall die.
-This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.
-If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen.
-If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack.
-After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds.
Soulja just flipped through the book, staring at it with a slow, dim expresen on his face.
"Naw wud da fuck do dis shit say? I's can't fuckin' read, dawg! Who iz dis dum trick ass nigga who wroted dis shit?"
Soulja just was about to throw the book into the trash when the bus, his only ride home, finally pulled up. He quickly picked up his chicken dinner and drink and ran to board the bus, not realizing that he took the book with him.
Later, after eatting his dinner and smoking a 24, he fell asleep on a beanbag chair in his mansion full of hoes, bros, and illegal dog fighting. He was dreaming about fellio(performed on him, OF COURSE!) while dreaming about his next rap song:
yo dis is soulja boy!
you niggas be hattin'
coz I made 100 million when I was 16
dat means I'm da best rapper in da fuckin' world
from da south so don't hate
yo my brain in above my spine
and when you see dat thing
i be making the bitches whine
and mah boi be crackin it dar
so be afraid when you see soulja
cuz he be punchin bellybuttons
and I ain't talkin' about nothin'
I showed your sistah my WOAH!
YOYOYOYOYOYOYO
WOOOOOOOOOO!
Don't fuck wit dat!
nigga
Just when he was getting around repeating the verse the thrid time, he was awaken by a loud thud. Soulja stood up with drool down his lips and and his erection sticking to his thigh searching for his glock. When his located it in his boxers, he spun the gun at the souce of the sound and started shooting!
"Don't u fuckin' wake me up in my motherfucking studio, bitch!" He didn't care who or what he was shooting at, he just wanted to seem hardcore. When his emtyed his glock, he stumbed to see if he killed what ever it was. He did. It was a pitbull puppy that somehow got out of it's cage in the basement, eatting one of the leftover chicken bones from Soulja boy's dinner. But Soulja didn't know that. What was once a tan, red nosed pitbull puppy was now a pile of bloody mash and bullets.
"Dah fuck was dat?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA, Do that again!"
Soulja turned and saw Micheal Vick.
"AW shit, dawg! IT's Micheal Vick!1"
"What? Aw fuck no! I am a shinigami!"
Soulja Boy lifted his sunglasses so he can see in the dimly lit room. No, it wasn't Micheal Vick. What he saw was was a creature with blue skin and tight shiny leather clothing like some sort of fag. it had big spikey black hair, buldging yellow eyes, and a big wide mouth. His arms and legs are long and spiderlike and while Soulja looked at him, he thought he was hacinatiog again...too much reefer.
"WHO DA FUCK ARE YOU, YOU GAY MUTHA FUCKA!"
The thing looked at him with a forever grin plasted on his face and chuckled
"I am Ryuk. I am a shinigami and you have my death note."
"WUD DA FUCK U SAY, NIGGA!"
Ryuk approched Soulja Boy as he lifted his glock, shooting blanks at his face.
"Ha ha, you can't kill me, boy. Mortals can not kill a shinigami"
"Boy? WHO DA FUCK U CALLIN' BOY, YOU RACIST SUMBITCH!"
Ryuk quickly stopped and placed his hands up in an apoligice way.
"Err-s-sorry! I didn't mean it like that! I meant...umm...you look young so I-I thought you where a kid and-"
"I'S 20 YEARS OLD, YOU FUCKIN' KLANSMAN!"
"I-I-I-I-I didn't know! And I'm not like that! I-I know lots of black people and they are cool. I mean the shitnight! Am I saying it right, the shiz, right my brother?" Ryuk reached for Soulja's hand and did his attemped at a "black" handshake. "We cool now, err-dawg? I'm like, FRESH!"
Soulja Boy stared at Ryuk and shuck his head. "Wat do u want, blue honky?"
Ryuk was happy he made a black friend that he almost forgot why he was here in the first place. "You rememeber that-err-notebook you found at the parking lot today?" Ryuk said, preposly leaving out the word "black" from the description so he would be acussed of being a racist again.
"UmmHmm" Mumbled Soulja tilting his head to the side in annoince.
"And did you read what it says?"
"Uhh...yeah-yeah sure. so wat" Soulja boy lied. For once in his life, he regretted having an IQ under 80.
"Well, that book you have there is very powerful. You can kill anyone you want and no one will ever know! All you need is their name and face and they will die!" Ryuk let out a chuckle as he stared into Soulja boy's dumb face. Ryuk thrown his notebook into the human world for some entertanment. He didn't care who picked it up. He just wanted to know what a human will do with something as powerful as a deathnote.
"Yoose one dum muthfucka. No notebooks kill! yoose ah liar!"
Ryuk grinned "Oh yeah? Lets see if I'm wrong! Do you have a tv somewhere or something?"
"R U fuckin' blind? Look behind u dumb fucka!" Soulja Boy said, point to the 100" LCD TV instlud derrecly to his wall. Ryuk touched it, unsure how to turn it on. Soulja walked up and kicked the TV and it turned on. The people at Best Buy were aware that Soulja Couldn't read so they made it so that the screen would turn on when he kicked it. It was on channel 3, QVC. Two bimbos sat trying to sell ugly sweaters.
"Ok, do you know any of the broad's names?" Ryuk says as he took the Death Note from Soulja.
"Dum white bitch 1 and dum white bitch 2." Soulja Boy says, annoyed.
So Ryuk wrote:
" Dumb White Bitch 1 " And closed the book.
Ryuk and Soulja Boy waited as the two blonds became tired of selling sweaters and tried selling some crappy facial product.
"So this isn't somthing they made, this is someything they found and they put together for us at home, right?"
"Yes, see most facial scrubs have abicott as a scrubber but this product has pure sand!"
"That is awesome. So you wake up and put this on your face and scrub and wash and then what happnes?"
"Your face looks abosultely faboulous!"
"Wow, that's life changing!"
Suddenly the blond on the left grabbed her chest, bursting her left breast implant as she fell to the ground twitching and letting out a ear percing shreik. The second blond was too caught up in looking pretty to notice and she answers the first blond's responce without a beat.
"Yes very life changing. I absolutely love it! Without this product, I wouldn't know how to wash my face! This is ecpecally handy after a date with Kobe Byant! Now lets talk to Kiley calling from Huber Heights, Ohio! Hi Kiley!"
"OH MY GOD! Is she ok! I think she is having a heart attack!" Says Kiley.
"Excuse me?" says Dumb White Bitch 2.
"THE WOMAN! I THINK SHE IS DYING! HELP HER!"
"Kiley I appeciate you calling but please use your inside voice while you are on the phone."
"DO SOMETHING! SHE JUST STOPED TWITCHING!"
"Kiley, I'll give you one more chance. STOP YELLING ON THE PHONE!"
"YOU STUPID BITCH SHE IS-" and they hung up on Kiley.
"I'm sorry folks. Some people just don't know how to talk to people. It's a shame. I wonder if her mother kisses her with that mouth. Anyway so the facial scrub is-" Finally Dumb White Bitch 2 notices Dumb White Bitch 1 on the floor. "Oh dear, I think Dumb White Bitch 1 had a little tumble. We'll be right back!" And their 'Please stand by' screen pops up.
Ryuk laughs and looks at Soulja Boy, "Now you belive me?"
Soulja boy waved his hand "Naw dawg, she jus fell. nuttin wrong wif her!"
Ryuk just laughed. "Ok fine, lets try someone else on live TV. how do you change the channel?" Soulja nearly threw the remote to Ryuk who caught it. Ryuk just randomly pressed a couple of buttons and the screen changed to the Glenn Beck show.
"AW NAW FUCK DAT! CHANGE DAT SHIT SON!"
"Good morning America. Things are bad. I am rich and Librels are stupid. Our country is coming apart and I will tell you how to fix it. Barack Obama spoke breivly at a children's hosipital before going to 'Shakys'' a stripclub. Bill Clintin is a dick. I wear glasses now. Capitalism pwns soicalism and I am smart."
Soulja Boy eyes go up into his head and he starts foaming at the mouth. Ryuk wrote in the death note:
"Glenn Beck
Sudden AIDS" And closed the book.
"Chales Manson was found with a cellerphone today. Four Loko is being taken off the shelves because of stupid spoiled frat boys are blacking out and geting rapped in the ass. Miley Cyrus is a pothead. And it snowed today. All of these are Obama's fault, for sure!" Then Glenn Beck sneezed. He now has AIDS.
Ryuk laughed. "HAW! Now you belive me?" Soulja Boy was convinced.
"Dang, dawg! Dat shit really work?" Soulja reaches for the book with a hungry look in his eye that resembles Sarah Palin's when she shoots a pregnat Doe right between the eyes. Or Larry King when it's time for his diaper change from his 21 year old secretey. Ryuk chuckled when Soulja Boy took the book and flipped through it, still unsure how to use it.
"Looks like I found the right person for this!"
To be continued...