A/N: Drabble. I can't explain where this monster came from, other than my sugar-high, and the fact that I wanted to experiment. Meant for laughs. Hopefully IC enough to not be considered crap. I can write crack SaiSaku, too! Get at it.
They'd probably try to scratch them off.
"Look at what you've done, Ugly. I told you not to use that genjutsu too much. Now his vocal chords are too raw from screaming to give us any useful information."
A sarcastic answer: "Then perhaps he should write it down."
"His hands are tied."
"I KNOW THAT! I'll heal his throat, then, and if he doesn't speak, I'll use a worse genjutsu on him. And so on, until he cooperates."
The sounds of birds chirping, three floors up. And: "He's not answering."
"…did he faint?"
"Yes. That's the third one today, Hag." A sigh. Maybe.
"Well, it's not my fault they're all wusses. It works in the police novels all the time. You must not be playing the good cop well."
"…I don't understand why Ibiki-san named you in charge of Torture and Interrogation in his absence."
"Because I'm charming."
"I think it must have been the fact that your face will give them so many nightmares that eventually, they'll all end up confessing anything we need."
"Sai…"
"A very good technique from Ibiki-san. It's the old scare them with a hag technique."
"Sai…!"
"It's no wonder he picked you, then. You're perfect for the job." A smile. Fake.
A twitch. A growl. "THAT'S IT!" A flare of temper. A big flare of temper. And a punch.
"…ow. That hurt, bulldo—"
"I'LL DO IT AGAIN, I SWEAR!"
"…I'll dodge it next time. Your punches hurt."
"I don't punch you with any other intention than to hurt you."
"And I thought it was some sort of mating ritual ugly hags had."
"…what?"
"I didn't say anything."
A long, pronounced silence.
"Hag, put down that axe…"
"I will, Sai. I'll put it down. In your head."
"You wouldn't kill a team-mate, would you?"
"Oh, no. I'll just maim you a bit."
"You do it every morning when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. And it's not even my fault, then."
"Yes it is, since you always steal the blankets."
"I don't steal them."
"Well, I sure as hell don't wake up freezing because you've rolled over with our blanket rolled around you, you overgrown cat."
"You can't blame me for what I do when I'm asleep. I'm unconscious. I don't know I'm doing it."
"LIES! I know for a fact you do it on purpose, because I've seen your smirk the last time you pulled it off m—"
"Maybe it's some sort of mating ritual."
"—what?"
"I said, maybe you should put down the axe and try waking up the victim."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"Sai—"
"Sakura? Shouldn't we get back to work?"
"…this is not over." A glare.
A knowing (fake) smile. And a cough.
"Oi. Wake up, boy-scout. Nap-time's over."
Rinse. Repent. Repeat.