This is a break off of my previous story, A Medicine Cat's Pain. It isn't necessary for you to read that before this, but it may explain a few things. This was written for Rainclaw99. Enjoy! :)
Warnings: Depression, self-hatred, character death, suicide. Please do not read if these are triggers for you.
Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. That is owned by the lovely Erin Hunters'. If I did own it, it would be so much more depressing.
They kept asking if he was okay. And he kept saying no. Not yet. They just smiled and nodded their understanding, willing to give him time to recover fully.
But how long was long enough? He wasn't sure. He's been away from Breezepelt for almost half a season now and still the nightmares floated just beyond his eyelids. His Clanmates still looked at him like he was made of glass and the wrong word could cause him to shatter.
Maybe that was what lead him to the edge of the lake that night.
It was dark, he knew that much. The rest of the Clan had gone to sleep for the night, leaving only him and Blossomfall, who was guarding the camp that night, awake. He slipped out through the dirtplace, knowing that if he left in the middle of the night it would be reported back to his siblings and he'd be interrogated about his midnight adventures. And he just didn't know how he'd explain it. What do you say when the only answer is, "It seemed like the thing to do?"
So he avoided being seen or smelt until he was far enough to be sure that no cat would find him.
His sightless eyes stared at the water, silently considering it. Part of him knew that it would be a stupid, selfish thing to do. Jumping in would mean abandoning his Clan. His family. And after all the effort they went to bringing him back he at least owed them his life. For a while.
But the other part of him… It just wanted to do it. No more thinking. No more pain. StarClan cats felt no pain, did they? The pain went away after you died; at least he'd always assumed it did. Why else would a cat give in to death if they remained in pain? What did he really have to live for, besides obligation?
He wondered if they'd find him, or if he'd sink to the lake floor like Flametail. How fitting. The cat he couldn't save was the cat he'd spend the most time with after his death.
He inhaled slowly then let in out, not quite sure where these thoughts were coming from. Everyone kept encouraging him, telling him was going to be fine. He'd get better. He was strong. But still, a part of him believed none of it.
Maybe it was the part that still had nightmares. That part that still heard Breezepelt's voice echoing in his ears, screaming at him as he torn him apart.
You're a worthless freak! A burden! Everyone would be better off without you! They're probably glad you're gone!
"Stop it!" Jayfeather choked out, shaking his head in dismay. Why did Breezepelt still have this control over him? "Please, just let me be!"
It felt like a weight was pressing down on him, and he knew if he didn't do something soon it would overwhelm him. Consume him.
"STOP!" He snarled, his legs giving out. He collapsed onto the sandy ground, paws over his head. He shook. Who was he even talking to? "Great," He muttered angrily. "Now you're crazy too!"
He wasn't sure how long he lay there, thinking. Trying to come up with a reason to stay.
And then, a voice that sounded oddly like Yellowfang filled his mind. What about your Clan? You have a duty to them! You don't even have an apprentice! What will they do without you?
Anger overcame him and he saw red.
"Let them figure it out for once!" He snapped. "Why do I have to take care of everyone?"
Jayfeather threw his head back, eyes blazing. "What do I have to stay for?" He asked the sky. There was no answer. "Well?" He yowled, and then he was pacing back and forth, tail lashing violently from side to side. "Come on StarClan! You can do anything! Show me why I should stay! What are you waiting for?"
He stopped and fell in on himself, body shaking with silent, unshed tears. "What are you waiting for?" He whispered.
Suddenly, he pulled himself together and stood. If anyone had been watching, they would have thought this sudden change odd. But no one was watching, which was, essentially, the problem.
No one saw him move to the edge of the water. No one saw him take a final, deep breath. No one saw him jumped. No one but the empty sky and the blank trees that held none of the comfort he so desperately needed at this moment.
Will it hurt? He wondered vaguely. Surely not as much as it does now…
The water hit him like a wall, and instinct kicked in. He fought the water, trying to claw his way back to the surface as his lungs burned. But it was no use. He was already weak, and the water clinging to his pelt pulled him down.
What if Breezepelt finds me? Can he?
Down, down, down. He was sinking like a rock. Pain exploded inside of him. He was sure his lungs would burst soon.
The water was murky and unclear around him. Dark. He could only see a few tail-lengths ahead of him.
Is this how Flametail felt before he drowned? Oh StarClan, I'm sorry!
The pain. He hadn't expected the pain. It burned.
His legs kicked weakly.
Hollyleaf… Dovewing…
His lungs were on fire.
The water was shifting.
Lionblaze… Cinderheart…
Air. He needed air, now!
Wait. What…?
I'm so sorry…
He couldn't breathe.
Wait. Wait. Something was coming towards him…
Forgive… Me…
And then he went limp. A final shudder ran through him, and then... Nothing.
The light went out in his eyes. He sank. And, as his soul was pulled from his mortal body, he saw him. The thing that had been swimming towards him.
"Flametail!" Jayfeather gasped weakly, still overwhelmed from having just drowned.
The tom looked at him sadly. "Hello, Jayfeather," He greeted. Then he turned. "Come on, then. Let's go."
Jayfeather hesitated, glancing back at his body as it was pulled and pushed by the underwater currents.
"We have to go now," Flametail said gently. Then fiercer, almost angrily. "This is what you wanted, isn't it?"
Jayfeather swallowed heavily. "Yes. I guess it is."
Flametail stared at him with sympathetic eyes. "Then come on. There's nothing here for you."
Jayfeather nodded his agreement, numb. And he followed the tom.
. . .
A Riverclan warrior found a body on the lakeshore three days later. For about two more days they kept it to themselves, unable to recognize the cat. His grey fur clung to his thin, broken body. Though Mothwing and Willowshine had a dreadful idea of who it might be, they didn't voice their thoughts. The idea... It was just too awful. So they kept the body in the back of the medicine cat's den and didn't talk about it. Until they had to.
Three days after the body was found, two warriors found an exhausted looking Firestar and a slightly terrified Brambleclaw at the broader. They brought them back to camp, and the two explained that Jayfeather was missing again. Had they seen him?
Mothwing could still hear Brambleclaw's anguish filled wail when they showed them the body.
"I'm sorry," She told him, again and again. But nothing could consul the tom. "Do you want help carrying him back to camp? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She repeated it again and again. Like it was some sort of anchor, holding her steady. Keeping back her own pain filled cries.
They took him back to ThunderClan's camp. Mothwing stood, frozen, as cats appeared from seemingly nowhere, asking what was going on. Who was that?
"Jayfeather!" One cat, then another and another.
"No!" Lionblaze collapsed next to his brother, heartbreaking howls escaping him. Mothwing's heart twisted. Never before had she seen such a powerful tom break down. It was both terrifying and upsetting.
"He was getting better... He said he was okay..." Dovewing whispered, looking small and dazed. Mothwing lowered her head and turned to Firestar. The leader was watching his clan gather around the dead tom with sad eyes, looking older than she'd ever seen him.
"I... I'll go," She murmured. "I'm so sorry. Jayfeather... Jayfeather was a good cat and a great medicine cat. All of the clans will miss him."
"Thank you." Firestar murmured hoarsely, eyes still on the dead tom. As if looking at him long enough would bring him back.
Mothwing nodded and turned, her heart aching and the sounds of sorrow echoing behind her.
"Good-bye, Jayfeather." She whispered, turning her eyes to the sky. No, she didn't believe in StarClan. But that didn't mean she couldn't mourn her friend.
As she crossed the border back into her own clan's territory, a single thought filled her mind.
What had forced him to do such a terrible thing?
She would never know. No one would. Seasons from now, when the cats grew older and some passed away, they'd meet Jayfeather in StarClan. His pale eyes were no longer pale, but had instead turned a sharp blue. He could see. And if you asked him why he'd done it, why he'd abandoned them, he'd look you deep in the eye, like he was staring straight through you and into your soul. He'd pause, as if considering it. And then he would take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and frown.
"Because it was too much," He'd reply softly. "I couldn't keep going like that. I wasn't safe. I wasn't happy."
You would ask if he was happy now. If he felt safe. And he would look behind him, eyes scanning the dozens of cats lying in the sun, grooming each other, chasing prey. He would smile softly, like he was sharing a secret with a dear friend. "Yes," He would tell you. "Very." And before you could ask any more questions he'd pad away, back to his spot beside Half Moon.
And you would know he was telling the truth.