I know you are all waiting on Modern Love, but after the other night's episode I couldn't get this story idea out of my head.
Infinite thanks to msgalinda and counterpunches on tumblr for going over this fic with a fine-tooth comb for me. I owe you one!
You can also find me on tumblr, where I am also ohnice1.
...
ON MY WAY
Rachel sighs in relief when her phone alerts her. "See, she's on her way," she beams. "Just a few more minutes."
"Okay," Finn sighs.
Ten minutes pass. Ten minutes of, "We're running out of time," "Where is she?" and "Now we have to wait another hour and hope they'll fit us in the last slot!"
"I can't believe you just made us miss our slot for Quinn," Finn grumbles. "She wasn't even your friend til like a month ago."
Frustrated, Rachel snatches up her phone again, prepared to go full-Barbra on Quinn for delaying this process when she claimed to be on her way.
She hears the other end connect. "Quinn," she begins before being cut off by a male voice.
"Who is this?" she asks, pulling the phone away from her ear, convinced she's somehow managed to misdial. She sees Santana roll her eyes, Kurt and Blaine scoot closer together, her dads whispering with Burt. She knows something is off. They don't.
Shock hits her as the man announces he's a paramedic. She can barely breathe, let alone speak. The phone falls to the floor as she stands motionless.
Hiram shatters the pregnant silence. "Sweetie?" She inhales a sharp breath.
Carole picks up the phone, which has fallen at her feet. "Hello?" She's quiet as she listens, and then her face falls. "Quinn Fabray. She's seventeen," 'eighteen!' someone clarifies, "eighteen, she goes to McKinley High School. Is she okay?" Quiet again. "I will. Um, thank you." She stares at the phone, trying to figure out how to end the call on the touch screen as a roomful of eyes watches her. "There's been an accident." She looks at Rachel, who is now pressed against Hiram's chest, shaking. "Quinn is...she's trapped in the car. They found her phone lying on the street."
Santana is the first to collect herself to speak. "Is she okay?"
"I don't know," Carole replies glumly as Burt puts an arm around her. "He couldn't tell me anything. He just asked that we contact someone for her."
"Where are they taking her?" Finn asks.
"Lima General."
"That's my dad's hospital," Santana notes. "I'll call and give him the heads up."
"I'll call Ms. Fabray," Finn offers.
Carole looks at him with a soft expression. "No, sweetie, I'll call her. Why don't you kids head on over to the hospital if you want to?"
Rachel leans away from her dad, looking at Finn. "No," she manages.
"No what, Rach?" he asks.
"This is your fault!" she screeches.
"Wait, I-"
"No! If you could have just waited, you could have stopped pushing, you could have been patient!" She moves toward him.
"I-" She reaches him, and shoves her hands into his chest to interrupt him.
"You just couldn't wait! I kept having to ask her where she was and you could have just WAITED!" she shouts, slapping both hands against his chest repeatedly.
Finn doesn't respond. He wraps his arms around her and she sags against him, losing herself to sobbing again. "It's gonna be okay," he soothes.
Leroy rubs her back. "Why don't dad and I drive you to the hospital sweetie? We'll take however many we can fit in our car."
"Kurt, you've got the SUV, why don't you take some too?" Burt chimes in.
"Sure."
After she hears Kurt's agreement, everything gets kind of blurry. She can faintly hear other sounds of crying and comforting, footsteps, and people telling her it's no one's fault.
She barely hears them, but she knows that's wrong. It's her own fault.
She's being led to the car now and she doesn't even know or care if it's by Finn or one of her dads or someone else entirely. "I should have just called her," she whispers to no one in particular.
She thinks her thought process is about as wrecked as Quinn's car.
...
When they reach the hospital, she's stopped crying. They had passed two ambulances on the way, one with its lights on and sirens off. The horrifying thought that maybe that was Quinn's ambulance and that the siren being off meant she was—she couldn't even say the word—stopped her tears instantly.
Now, she just feels numb, and she's not sure which feeling is better: hysteria or nothing.
Her dads are introducing themselves to Judy and consoling her. She'd always imagined their first meeting would be a humorous one after the stories she'd heard of Judy Fabray. Maybe they'd meet at a competition, or at graduation, smiling about their daughters' accomplishments while Judy squirms in the presence of two gay men.
Definitely not in the lobby of a hospital where Quinn may or may not be dyi-
One of her dads interrupts her train of thought. God, she can't even make out which one of her fathers is speaking to her. "Sweetie, did you hear that?" She doesn't reply, just directs her eyes in their general direction. "Quinn's in a trauma room. They don't know much yet."
She zones out again. "It's my fault" echoing in her head drowns out the commotion in the busy waiting area around her. At some point, she takes out her phone and just stares at it.
ON MY WAY
ON MY WAY
ON MY WAY
She's not sure how many times she's read that text.
It's been dark for what she assumes has been hours when everyone leaves. When her dads say they'll drive her home, she's too emotionally exhausted to verbalize the resounding "no" she's shouting in her mind.
That night, she dreams of Quinn telling her that marrying Finn will ruin her life, and she wakes up thinking the only life it may have ruined is Quinn's.
She hopes she's wrong.
When she wakes up the next morning, her first thought is Quinn. She's desperate to remain in control of something though, so she steps on her elliptical right away as always.
It feels wrong. Everything is wrong.
She steps off, showers, and leaves with a quiet goodbye to her parents. When she reaches the hospital, Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, Kurt, and Blaine are already waiting. She says only a brief "hi" before sitting next to Kurt—who holds her hand—and taking her phone out of her purse.
ON MY WAY
…
Santana's dad tells them, with Judy's permission, that Quinn's being held in a medically induced coma. The doctors don't know if she would have woken up on her own after the accident, but the head trauma has caused too much swelling around her brain. She'll be kept under until the swelling goes down and the true condition of her brain can be determined. She has three cracked ribs, a dislocated elbow, and extensive bruising over her entire left side. The angle her leg was bent into has torn the ACL, MCL, and PCL in her left knee.
The condition of her spinal cord is still unknown. When she wakes up, she could be paralyzed.
Paralyzed.
Rachel reads the text again.
ON MY WAY
She's holding her phone in her left hand, and it's a constant reminder.
She slumps over and takes her hand from Kurt's to cover her face. Why did they have to rush the wedding? If it hadn't been so rushed, Quinn wouldn't have had to go all the way home to get her dress. She wouldn't have been driving on that road. She would've been nowhere near that truck.
Rachel wouldn't have texted her.
She takes off her engagement ring and tucks it away in her purse. "This is all my fault," she whispers to herself.
When Finn shows up later and complains that she's taken the ring off, all she does is hand it to him without a word.
…
Two days later, she thinks she hears someone combine her name and "psychiatric wing" in the same sentence. Before she can be bothered to consider whether that person has a point, Dr. Lopez enters the waiting room.
"We're taking her off the ventilator and moving her to another room. She's still unconscious, but we'll be taking her off the IV that's keeping her that way within the hour. The swelling around her brain has reduced and it appears she's suffered a concussion, but hopefully no permanent brain damage." He pauses. "We'll know about her movement when she wakes up."
"Papi, when can we see her?" Santana questions.
"Once she's moved, I'll let you know."
Suddenly, Rachel is deafened by the sound of her stomach and she can't remember the last time she ate. She decides to remedy that situation now, because she has no intention of not being at Quinn's bedside when she wakes up.
Finn goes to the cafeteria with her, and she thinks it may be the most awkward half an hour she's ever spent.
…
Quinn doesn't wake up that day before Rachel is forced to leave when visiting hours are over. Judy, whom she's only ever met once before this incident, swears to contact her if anything changes.
She puts her phone on the charger and leaves it plugged in and with the ringer at full volume beside her bed—not that she sleeps. She can't stop seeing Quinn covered in bruises, one eye swollen shut, half her limbs in braces and restraints and with a million tubes and wires flowing from her body.
That's not even really Quinn, she thinks.
…
It's 2:07 P.M. on Wednesday when she hears it. She, Judy, and Santana are the only ones there this time; everyone else has returned to school. She looks to them, wondering if she's hearing things, but they've both sprung from their chairs.
There's a scratching sound in Quinn's throat.
She's waking up.
"Quinnie?" Judy pleads, covering her daughter's hand in her own. "Quinnie can you hear me, sweetie?"
Scratch.
"Oh my God," Rachel whispers. Unconsciously, she gently takes Quinn's other hand.
Scratch, scratch.
Santana steps closer to the bed. "Q, can you hear us?"
Her right eyelid flutters, but doesn't open. The left eye is too swollen. "Oh, Quinnie," Judy chokes, kneeling down beside the bed. "Wake up, sweetie."
Finally, her right eye opens. Judy sobs; Rachel sniffles; Santana chokes back her own tears.
"Quinn," Rachel sighs. "We've missed you." She uses her free hand to wipe away the tears from her face.
"Oh!" Judy exclaims suddenly. "I should page the doctor." She presses the blue call button on the side of the bed frame and immediately redirects her attention to her daughter. "I love you so much, Quinn."
Rachel catches herself running her thumb over Quinn's hand. When had she started that? As soon as she stops herself, a doctor and a nurse enter and she and Santana are shooed away.
By the time the doctors are done, Quinn is asleep again.
…
Rachel talks to Finn for the first time in days at school the next day. She apologizes for blaming him for the accident; he smiles and hugs her, but all she feels in his arms is tense. She's thankful when he doesn't bring up the ring, and even more thankful that she doesn't see him for the rest of the day. She still feels like Quinn is lying in that hospital bed because of her and the stupid wedding.
She asks to go to the bathroom at the end of her last class so that she can get to her car and out of the parking lot before traffic builds up. She drives straight to the hospital. When she arrives, the news she receives makes her feel like she needs some medical treatment herself.
Quinn has no nervous response below the waist.
She's paralyzed.
Quinn can't even walk because of Rachel.
Quinn is asleep, so Rachel goes home and spends 3 hours on her elliptical. She doesn't stop because she thinks it's excessive, or because she's on the verge of passing out. She only stops after three hours because she can no longer breathe when she realizes that Quinn might never be able to use an elliptical again.
…
The next day, Rachel stops by the florist on her way to the hospital. When she sees the empty vase with the green ribbon around it, she knows what's going in it.
Quinn is not awake to see the gardenias when Rachel walks in with them, and she's still not awake when Rachel is kicked out (after three warnings) by a nurse at the end of visiting hours.
…
When Rachel arrives at the hospital bright and early Saturday morning, with a copy of Yale's course catalog in hand, she receives news that she thinks makes her even happier than a final NYADA acceptance letter: Quinn's paralysis is possibly temporary. It will require extensive therapy, but she could walk again. She sobs and smiles simultaneously as the book falls to the floor and she takes Quinn's hand. The contact wakes her.
"Mm," Quinn grumbles, causing Rachel to jump.
"Hey," Rachel greets softly.
"Mm."
"I...I know you're in a lot of pain. And you don't have to talk. I just...I'm so, so sorry Quinn. This is," she pauses, taking a deep breath to collect herself. "This is all my fault. It's my fault you're in that bed. If we hadn't rushed the wedding, if I hadn't texted you so many times...you wouldn't even be here."
"No," Quinn manages.
"What?"
"No."
"There is no other reason you're in this bed."
"No," she counters again, as emphatically as she can. She winces.
The nurse enters before Rachel can speak again and she's asked to step out briefly. By the time she's allowed back in, half the glee club has arrived.
…
As usual, Quinn is asleep when Rachel arrives at the first minute of visiting hours on Sunday. Judy is asleep in the bedside chair, so she tries to be as quiet as possible as she replaces the water in the vase and adds new flower food to the gardenias.
"Hey," Quinn groans.
"Hi," Rachel replies quietly. "How are you feeling?"
"Meh."
"Stupid question. Sorry."
"C'mere."
Rachel obeys instantly and moves to the open chair by the bed and sits down.
"Hand," Quinn commands. Rachel puts her left hand on top of Quinn's right. "Rrg," Quinn mutters.
"Hmm?"
"Ring," Quinn enunciates slowly.
"Oh, um," Rachel stammers. She hasn't talked about the ring with anyone since taking it off. "I took it off right after...you know. Just kept reminding me of what happened."
"Hmm," Quinn acknowledges. Rachel's pretty sure she even smiles.
…
Rachel is there from the first minute until the last of visiting hours every day she doesn't have school. On school days, she goes straight from the McKinley parking lot to Lima General. They read about classes offered at Yale, watch TV and movies (Rachel was appalled to find out that Quinn had never seen the film version of Rent even though the Broadway show was far superior ), and sometimes read. Quinn has started easing into schoolwork.
Almost three weeks later, Rachel is sitting alone with Quinn on a Friday afternoon. Judy has returned to work, and the number of visits the other members of New Directions are making is steadily decreasing.
"Rach?"
"Yeah?"
"How's Finn?"
"I don't know. Things got...awkward after I took the ring off. In hindsight, it appears the wedding fiasco was a...um, heat of the moment decision that was best foiled."
"When's the last time you went to glee club?"
"Doesn't matter."
"It does matter. Tell me."
"Before..." she trails. Before what? Before she almost got Quinn killed? Before she almost married Finn, whom she's barely even talked to since? "Before regionals."
Quinn sighed heavily. "Rach..."
"I don't want to go, Quinn!
"Just because I'm trapped in a hospital doesn't mean you should be."
"I'm not trapped. I want to be here."
"Why?"
"Because I pu-"
"Do not say you put me here, Rachel."
"I care about you, Quinn."
"If that's why you're here then...I'm really happy you're here. But don't stay because you feel guilty."
Rachel doesn't say anything else about it, but she thinks to herself that she may have started coming here out of guilt, but her visits with Quinn have become the highlight of her day, every single day.
…
The following Monday, Quinn has just finished her first session of physical therapy and looks completely exhausted when Rachel enters the room.
"Hey you," she greets tiredly. "How was school? Did you go to glee club?"
"I'm here later than usual aren't I?" Rachel counters with a smile.
"Tell me that you went," Quinn says, faux-sternly.
"I went to glee club, Quinn. Now can we watch Gilmore Girls? It's Rory's first day at Yale!"
They're mostly quiet during the episode, chatting idly during the commercials. When the episode ends, Quinn turns the TV off.
"I brought you something."
"Oh really?" Quinn asks curiously.
"Yes!" she reaches for her bag on the floor. "Handsome Dan."
"Please tell me that's not a male strip-"
Rachel snorts. "No! Really, Quinn, if you're going to attend Yale, you should at least be familiar with their mascot," she teases, procuring a stuffed bulldog.
"You are adorable," Quinn praises, which makes Rachel lower her head shyly as she beams. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. I saw it and it made me think of you."
"Hey Rach?"
"Mmhmm?"
"Thanks for coming to see me every day."
"I wouldn't be anywhere else." She takes Quinn's hand, something they do every time they're together now, and absentmindedly puts a kiss on it. "Quinn?"
"Hmm?"
"What changed your mind about the wedding?"
"Just the song," she answers timidly. "I'm really tired."
"Oh," Rachel says somewhat dejectedly. "I'll let you sleep then."
"Thanks," Quinn sighs tiredly as Rachel stands to leave.
Rachel takes Quinn's abrupt ending of their conversation as a sign that Quinn still harbors some resentment toward her. She pulls out her phone.
ON MY WAY
She cries for the first time in weeks. This time, it's not because she feels guilty about the accident.
It's because she can't bear the thought of Quinn thinking ill of her.
…
When Rachel returns the following afternoon, she's skipped glee club again. She knows Quinn will be furious, Rachel only having obeyed her for one day, but she doesn't care. She'd venture a guess that less than 10% of her thoughts that day involved something or someone other than Quinn.
"Quinn, I have something to say," she begins as she enters the room.
"O-kay...?"
She reaches the bedside and remains standing, one hand on the rail. "I have expressed many times that I feel very at fault for your current condition and extended hospital stay and despite your protests to the contrary..." her hand tightens on the rail as she inhales deeply and slowly, "I cannot help but feel that you agree with me to at least some degree."
"Wai-"
Rachel ignores her. "When I questioned what changed your stance on attending the wedding, only to have you immediately wish to sleep moments later, I couldn't help but feel that you are harboring some resentment towards me that you have failed to express. I care for you deeply, Quinn, hence my presence here every day, but I feel that in order for us to proceed with this relationship we need to have a policy of full-disclosure when it comes to such matters." Quinn snorts as she attempts to contain laughter. "I fail to see the humor in this!"
"Rachel, if I could stand up I would have clamped my hand over your mouth halfway through that tirade and told you to shut up."
"Oh."
Quinn sits quietly for a full minute under Rachel's stare, then inhales deeply. "You asked what changed my mind about the wedding."
"I did."
"When I saw you before the wedding, I asked you if you were singing that to Finn and only Finn. Remember?"
"Of course."
"You said yes. If you say yes, then I assume he makes you happy. Who am I to tell you not to do something that makes you happy? That's all I want for you."
"You would have been right."
"When?"
"If you'd told me I was being stupid." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "I had a feeling in the back of my mind that you were going to do something to stop that wedding, and I think that's why I refused to start it without you."
"And what do you know, I stopped it anyway. Now here we are." Rachel frowned, so Quinn continued. "Just because I make a joke about being in here doesn't mean I'm trying to make you feel bad."
"If you say so."
"I do say so. Wanna know something else?"
"Sure."
"I was lucky not to wreck before that. I looked at myself so many times in the rearview mirror, thought about passing a tractor on a two-lane road. I wasn't going to stop the wedding, but..."
"But what?"
"But I was going to tell you to consider the fact that there's someone else in this world who loves you more than Finn would ever understand and who knows how big and important your dreams are."
"Maybe there isn't. Finn loves, well, loved me. I don't know if he still does."
Quinn bites her lip and shifts her gaze around the room. Now or never. "There is."
"How do you know?"
"Geez, Rach!"
"What?"
"I text you every day exactly 13 minutes after you leave because I know that's how long it takes you to get home. I write you Facebook messages while you're in school. I smile like a kid on Christmas when you walk in the room and cringe when I hope it's you and it isn't, even though I know exactly when you'll be here."
"Are you saying you..that you..."
"I figured it out when I got into Yale. When I got that letter, you were the first person I wanted to tell. At first I didn't accept it. I rejoined the God Squad, thought about it constantly. Then, when I believed it...I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to be a quote-unquote homewrecker. I still wouldn't have told you before the wedding. I would've rather lost you to him if I thought it made you happy than to hurt you."
"And why are you telling me now?"
Quinn takes in a shaky breath and closes her eyes for a moment. "Because I can't hide the way it feels to have you hold my hand anymore."
"Say it," Rachel pleads, both hands gripping the bed rail.
"Say what?" Quinn is bunching fistfuls of her blanket.
Rachel's hands fly off the rail in frustration. "Tell me that you-"
"That I love you?"
"Yes."
"I love you. I'm in love with you. And I'll understand if you don't feel the same."
Rachel hesitates, her throat tightening. "Okay."
"Okay," Quinn mumbles unsteadily.
They fall into silence, and then it just hits her. Elephant on her chest, ton of bricks, hits her.
It was there all along.
The reason she'd so willingly given a pair of underwear (gross) to Jacob Ben Israel to protect Quinn. Why she so vividly remembered one drawing of Quinn's in particular that was surrounded by hearts. Why she'd never felt so connected to anyone during a song before as she did when she and Quinn sang together.
Why she asked Finn what it felt like to kiss her, for crying out loud.
She'd been falling for Quinn since she was fifteen years old.
"Geez, Quinn."
"What?"
"I get my phone out of my purse exactly 13 minutes after I leave because I know you'll text me. I check my Facebook messages on my phone all day long. I rush here every day after school to hold your hand and talk to you and laugh with you. Of course I feel the same. I just...hadn't realized it until right now."
"Are you sure?"
Rachel takes Quinn's hand shakily, lowering her head towards the other girl and pressing their lips together softly.
"Positive."