The Worst Day Ever: Dry Your Eyes
Things haven't been going well for Casey and now he has a chance to open up about it. But will he? Casey/Dawson. One Shot. Takes place directly after the finale.
The name of the song Gabriela Dawson was humming as she swept the floors was on the tip of Matthew Casey's tongue. He sat at the table in the kitchen across from her as she cleaned up his apartment.
She'd already tossed out all the pizza boxes and empty beer bottles. There was very little trash left. She said she'd do the dishes next, after cleaning the floor. It was somewhat embarrassing for Matt to have her here now, to see him like this, but he couldn't tell her to leave.
"Civil War," he whispered.
The humming stopped. Gabriela looked up from the floor to his face. "What?"
"The Civil Wars... you like The Civil Wars?"
Gabriela smiled, "Who doesn't? They can harmonize their asses off."
She went back to sweeping the floor. Gabby couldn't believe her Lt. Casey, the meticulous, well-organized, forever put together truck leader had been living in such filth. Then again, after everything he'd been through with his mother and now Hallie, Gabby was surprised that this was the extent of his hidden sorrow.
The last time she'd been here... Gabriela immediately shut down any earlier memories she had of Matt Casey. 'This is not about you and Matt,' she thought. 'He's still grieving over Hallie. Don't go there.'
"You know you don't have to do this," said Casey.
"I know," she replied.
He pleaded, "I'm fine. Really."
Gabby frowned and said sarcastically, "Sure, you are."
Matt didn't know why that irritated him, but it did. He'd been fending off the squad's inquiries into his personal life ever since Hallie died because he didn't know how to tell his subordinates, his... his friends that he was struggling. A good lieutenant didn't do things like that. They didn't burden the squad with their personal problems.
Then out of nowhere, Gabriela walked right into his place and saw the sham for what it was. Matt was ashamed of himself as he watched her. And yet, after their embrace ended she put on her can-do attitude and said it was nothing.
It was nothing to see him like this? Matt doubted it.
"I'm just having a hard time, right now, okay?" He said in a tone of voice a little harsher than he meant. "What else was I supposed to do? Broadcast it all over the house?"
"That would have been better than keeping it bottled up inside until you explode," Gabby snapped.
The place became silent again. Matt suddenly missed her humming. Gabriela sighed. "I'm sorry. I was just..."
She picked up the broom and came into the kitchen. She leaned the broom against the table and put her hands on her hips. But her facial expression was anything but sassy. It was sad.
"When I came up the stairs and I saw all those newspapers outside, I got really scared. I was scared that you were in trouble. Or that you'd decided to just give up. And I didn't mean to barge right in. But I think of all the times I'm out there at work... and the boyfriend or the husband comes home before we can take the body away and they see their girl and that look in their eyes - "
Gabby forced away her desire to start crying. She couldn't read Matt's expression. Maybe he felt like crying again, too.
" - You had that same look in your eyes when I came in. Like you're gonna do something crazy. Like you're gonna hurt somebody or hurt yourself... and I don't want that for you, alright? So you're just gonna have to deal with it."
She grabbed the broom and continued to angrily sweep his floors. Matt didn't know what to say. He had a history with this woman. He'd almost slept with this woman and now here she was. Taking care of him and opening up to him like they were still close. And in a way they were.
He asked, "You think I'm gonna kill myself?"
Casey didn't know where he was going with this. It was the one thing that stood out the most in her little speech though and he was now more embarrassed of his behavior than ever.
"I - " Gabby paused for a long time. The pause seemed as if it would never end. The sweeping stopped again. Gabby bit her bottom lip. Matt sat and waited patiently for her to find the right words. The woman was a hot head, as Chief Boden often described her. Thinking before she spoke wasn't exactly her strong point.
"I don't know. That's the problem."
Their eyes met. Casey wanted to reassure her that he wasn't suicidal. That nothing bad was going to happen to him. That he'd get over this one day and then everything would go back to normal. He'd move on from Hallie and everything would be fine. Except now, he couldn't seem to find the right words to say either.
He looked away from her and swallowed. His mouth was dry. He licked his lips and tasted the last of a beer he'd gulped shortly before Gabriela appeared.
"I thought about it," said Matt. "But what would that do? I'd be just one more dead Casey."
Gabriela's shoulders sank.
"You know, when Jose Vargas was forced to take leave, he tried to kill himself. He was gonna jump off a building."
She took a step towards him, "What?!"
"Nobody ever told you?"
"Hell no," said Gabriela, her mouth hanging open.
"I should have... Vargas. Vargas, I felt sorry for him. I thought, 'Why would anybody want to do that? I mean, shit, what's the point?' And then today, inside the prison, when the guy grabbed Hermann and held him hostage... I tried to get him to take me instead."
Casey felt his eyes watering up. "I wanted him to take me. I just wanted this all to be over."
Gabby dropped the broom and went back into the kitchen. She pulled out a chair and sat next to him.
Her heart was thundering. Her suicide prevention training was coming to her in waves. She knew that in this situation there were right things to say and wrong things to say. She could not remember them all. Gabby said a quick, silent prayer to God that she wouldn't make a huge mistake with the life of the only man she'd ever truly cared for.
"There has to be something stopping you."
Matt turned his head to wipe away his tears.
"I want you to do me a favor, okay?"
He nodded, focusing his eyes on her hands folded together and resting on the kitchen table.
"Promise me one thing."
"What?"
"That the next time you feel like that - like you can't do this anymore - you have to call me. I don't care what time it is. Or what you're doing or where you are. You have to call me, okay?"
Matt clenched his jaw. Gabriela could feel herself losing control.
"Matt, please," she begged. "You need help."
"I don't need anybody's help."
He stood up from the table and walked away. Gabby inhaled sharply. She was done playing nice paramedic.
She stood and shouted, "If you don't need help, then why haven't you done it?"
"What?" He turned around, and glared at her with narrowed eyes.
"Why haven't you killed yourself yet?" As soon as it came out of Gabby's mouth, she knew that that was one of the things you're *not* supposed to say. But damnit, she was caught up in the moment and she couldn't stop herself. She saw Matt's body tense up as soon as she was done.
Matt fired back, "Why does that matter?"
"It matters because I said it matters! Now answer the question, Matt."
"You really wanna know why?"
"Yeah!"
"Really?"
"YES!"
"It's you!"
Gabriela felt like the air had been sucked out of her lungs, like she couldn't breathe.
"Everytime I think about doing it, I can't because of you." Matt said, frustration in his voice. "I think about my life and if there's anything else in it that's good, anything else that I care about at all - other than truck, other than the squad - and I always think about you. And I don't want to think about you, Gabby."
The corners of her mouth sank into a frown. What did that mean? That this was all her fault somehow? In his mind, did he blame her for this?
Matt continued, "Gotdamnit, Hallie is dead! She's dead. And I've never felt so... alone. And I try to call you, but I end the call before it rings. And I try to reach out to you, but I can't because someone else is always there, standing between us and I can't take it anymore."
He was pacing the living room now, going through a series of fist-shaking, hair-grabbing and trembling. "I can't depend on you to make everything better. I can't ask for your help all the time. You have a life. You're with Peter. I just can't ask you to do that."
"Yes, you can." Gabriela walked over to him. She added, "Why do you think I'm here? I'm worried about you. I'm worried because I care about you. Don't worry about Peter, okay? We're not together anymore. And this is so not the time or the place to say this, but I have always cared about you, Matt. I have always cared."
Their eyes met.
"Please don't hurt yourself. I can't lose you."
Casey stood still. He looked away from her eyes and then pulled her into an embrace. He wrapped his arms around her waist. Gabby pressed her face against his shoulder. It was even tighter than the embrace from before, warmer, sadder. Except this time, Gabriela was the one crying.
I don't own Chicago Fire, this is just for entertainment. No lawsuits. Please comment