I sat on my bed, cross legged as I scribbled a few ideas into my song journal. At least I found a way to put my pain to use. Of course only I would ever read this, but it's what I need. If I didn't write songs, I probably wouldn't have made it this far. They say everyone needs an outlet and this is mine. Well my better one anyways, though I haven't resorted to the other one in a small while now which I can't help but feel proud of. It's thanks to Alex. Alex is my girlfriend, she goes to another school because of an incident that happened a few years ago. We had met our freshman year of high school and instantly connected. She was my rock as I was hers. We trusted each other with everything, every little secret about one of us, the other knew. Well back then anyways. We got together beginning of our sophomore year of high school, we wanted to take it slow since it was new to the both of us. Then, last quarter right before summer that year, the incident happened.
"Shane stop messing around! You're gonna hurt someone!" I yelled at one of my best friends. He held a lighter in his hand and I had to say he was quite the pyromaniac.
"Aw C'mon Mitch, live a little. It's just a lighter, it's not like it could cause much harm" I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, until you burn down the school"
"Whatever" He continued to entertain himself as I kept nervously watching out the bathroom door. We were bound to get caught, this was retarded, why did I even follow him? Oh yeah, I wanted to be a good friend and watch out for him. Probably one of my worst decisions. I jumped as I heard the door open and saw Tess come in. Oh great just what we needed.
"What are you two losers doing?" She asked with an evil smirk knowing that one word to the teachers and we would be in trouble. She laughed seeing Shane.
"What is this? Elementary? Did you're mommy let you play with that?" I grinded my teeth and balled my hands into fists. Sure Shane was ridiculously childish, but I wasn't gonna let her stand there talking about him like that.
"Tess, just leave"
"Or what?" She challenged. After that it was a bit of a blur as I went into a blind fury. There were a couple of punches, slaps and kicks after I launched myself at the blonde. We wrestled as Shane ran over to us trying to tear me off of her. I had a tight grip on her shirt and my other fist was ready to punch her but Shane held me back. Then in a swift movement as Shane was trying to remove me from her, she snatched the lighter from his hand. She pulled a familiar box from her jacket and took out a cigarette, lighting it before we could do anything.
"Here you go ya dyke" She told me tossing me the lighter then came right in my face and puffed out a ball of smoke causing me to gag.
"You Bitch!" I screamed and smacked her hand causing the lit cancer stick to go flying through the air. It was then that Alex came in.
"Oh there you guys are" She said seeing Shane and I, then her gaze landed on the blonde. She looked between us and her before coming to my side and putting a protective arm around my waist. I then remembered what I had just done. I looked in the direction the fire hazard had landed and my eyes widened when I spotted the trash caught on fire.
"Crap!" I shouted causing the others to look at what I had noticed. I ran to the sink and turned on the faucet trying to cupping my hands to try and splash some water on it. It was pathetic, but it was all I had. Alex ran out and ran back in a moment later with a water bottle and poured it on the flames but nothing happened. The fire wasn't going out.
"Why isn't this working!?" She yelled frustrated.
"There must have been something extremely greasy in there. You can' t put out a grease fire with water" I informed her. She ran her hand through her hair and I could tell she was scared.
"Then what CAN put it out!?" I thought for a second, my mind escaping me at the moment of panic.
"Dirt" I told her. It was then we both turned to the window at the other end of the room. We were on the lowest level of the school that was half into the ground. The window was right on the ground practically. We ran to the window and I gave her a boost so she could reach. With some difficultly, she opened the widow and started stuffing her water bottle with loose dirt. She got it filled halfway and jumped down. We ran back to the flaming trash can and she started pouring the dirt onto it. It was then that I noticed we were alone. Shane and Tess were no where to be seen.
"That bastard! I figured Tess would leave, but Shane!?" I complained angrily. Just then the door opened and Tess came back in. Wait, Tess came back? Then I saw why. Larritate followed closely behind her. He looked to Alex who had just gotten the fire out, but smoke wafted all throughout the air, suffocating us.
"MS. RUSSO!" He exclaimed angrily his face turning red. "I should have expected something like this!"
"What!? No!" I shouted. "I-"
"It's okay Mitch, you don't need to cover for me." Alex said as if admitting defeat.
"Sorry Sir, you're right. I'm a trouble maker and I can't help it." She said as if she needed to apologize.
"Wha- No! It wasn't her-"
"Mitchie! It's fine. I've been caught already. Let it go" Let it go!? She expects me to just Let it go when we both fully know she's going to be expelled over this. I tried to speak but she gave me a small glare before She hung her head and walked out of the bathroom with Larritate following as if she were a convict and her was her prison guard.
She was expelled after that. Her parents were furious but I explained everything that had happened and they softened. They tried to reason with the principal, but he wouldn't hear it, so they had to move 3 hours away so that they could enroll Alex into another school. She came up every other weekend to see me and I had cried countless times while she held me telling me it wasn't my fault, but it was! I shouldn't have let Shane go in the first place, I shouldn't have got in a fight with Tess, and I shouldn't have slapped it out of her hand knowing full well that it was lit and extremely hazardous. I was pissed the next time I spoke to her, not at her, I could never be mad at her, but at myself for letting this happen.
"What the hell are you doing!? You're going to be expelled!" My voice cracked a little on the last part. I fought back the tears that threatened to spill over. She was going to leave and it was all my fault. I would never see her again. I don't think I can handle that.
"Mitch, it's going to be okay alright? There is absolutely NOTHING that can separate us. Yes we might have to move, but I promise you it's not forever. I don't care if we end up in China, I will still come at least every weekend to see you" The tears won and Alex wiped them away before pulling me into her embrace.
"Why'd you do it?" I cried softly.
"Because Tess would most likely put the blame on you and I can't let that happen. You can't get in trouble Mitch, You're actually meant for this school stuff, you have dreams and plans and you're gonna graduate, I can't let this get in your way." She told me rubbing soothing circles in my back.
"But Alex, I don't care about any of that. I want to do something with my music, you know that. All I need is you and music." I mumbled into her shirt. I was surprised she could even understand me.
Alex had been intimidating to everyone at school. No one would dare cross her path, but now that she was gone, I had no one to stand up for me. Now high school was a place of torture for me. Everyday I was constantly bullied. Tess was completely relentless. She never failed to make me feel like complete crap whenever she was within seeing distance. I had stopped eating, purging, and cutting. It started going worse than I thought and I started losing control, but luckily I lessened it quite drastically. I was an expert at hiding things now. Alex didn't expect a thing just like I wanted. Well partially. There was a very small part of me that wanted her to find out. I wanted her to help me get better, I wanted her to come back and make me smile non-stop like she once had. But I didn't want her to see this. No one but Shane, Tess, Alex and I knew what had happened that day. They all assumed Alex had struck again. The days just seemed to be getting worse, more cuts appeared on my arms and legs and my wardrobe cosisted of whatever could show the least skin. I wore baggy shirts feeling I wouldn't look so fat with them and I never bothered with make up or anything. It was a waste since it obviously wasn't going to work. Nothing could help my appearance.
Then something happened. Something that I most feared, but it was what I needed. It wasn't until that happened that I was able to get it together again.
I closed my locker shut after having grabbed what I needed and hurried down the hallway with my head down. I was exhausted from staying up almost all night long talking to Alex, but I didn't mind. If I didn't get to talk to her every night, I wouldn't have a reason to live. This was what I had thought. I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings and I accidentally bumped into someone. We both went crashing to the floor seeing as how the other person was running. I immediately gathered my stuff and stood up.
"I'm so sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going" I said in a rush just wanting to get to class before something bad happens, but I had to make sure the other person was alright. Then I saw that it was Tess.
"You should be sorry you stupid dyke, gosh you're so fat I practically bounced off you." Her words shouldn't have gotten to me. It WAS Tess after all, she always said that kind of thing. When Alex was there, I'd get mad and start a fight or something, but now that she wasn't here... I was nothing. Tears sprang to my eyes, but I didn't want her to see them so I turned about to walk away when I was hit from behind. I fell back to the floor, my head spinning and I could see sparks before my eyes. There was an immense amount of pain on the back of my head. I looked to see a text book laying on it's pages having been thrown. It must have been what hit me. I groaned puttin my hands to my head. I heard a gasp from the bitch and I looked up wondering what the hell could surprise her. I looked to see what she was staring at. My sleeve had fallen, displaying my mutilated wrist and arm. I felt my eyes widen in fear. Oh shit I'm screwed.
"You cut?" She asked shocked and I didn't look at her. "This is PRICELESS! I knew you were pathetic, but this is just sad. Wait till I tell everyone and expose you for the attention seeking whore you are" She exclaimed triumphantly. She jumped to her feet and collected her textbook that she had chucked at me and ran off down the hall. I slowly gathered the remainder of my things. The bell had already rang so the halls were empty. I got up and walked towards the exit at a slugs pace.
"Ms. Torres, where are you going!?" I looked back to Mr. Larritate and sort of looked at him. There was a window behind him and I could see my reflection. I didn't see Mitchie. I saw a hollow shell with a vacant stare.
"Torres! I'm talking to you!" I looked back to the chubby cowboy for a few more seconds before walking out ignoring his shouts of truency. I left my car there at the school and walked home. There was only two periods of school left, so I didn't think it was a big deal. Both my parents worked so I knew the house would be empty. When I made it home, I unlocked the front door and walked slowly up the stairs, going the same pace I had at school. Up until now I had felt numb. My head throbbed and I didn't care. I made it into my room and looked at the door. That's when I snapped. I slammed the door as hard as I could, dropping my bag onto the floor I slid against the door to the ground and hugged my knees to my chest before setting my head on them. I gritted my teeth feeling the tears again but I didn't let them fall. I couldn't. I was Mitchie Torres. I wasn't supposed to let things get to me, I was supposed to look at the brighter side of things. So I held them back. Some odd noises escaped my throat as I choked back a sob.
"Mitch?" I heard her beautiful voice. My head snapped up and I found Alex sitting on my bed looking at me with wrry etched on her face. We stared at each other for a moment. I started wondering if she was really there or if it was my imagination. As much as I wanted to jump in her arms, I didn't want her to see me break down. I didn't want her to know I was now the scum of the earth, not worthy of her. The tears fought harder than before but I stood my ground. I sprang to my feet and opened the door running out.
"MITCHIE!" I heard Alex call for me. I ignored her as well as I made my way to the front of the house. I ran out the door and down the street. I got a block away before Alex caught up to me. She intercepted me and I fell into her arms. A couple tears got lose, and my throat emitted strange noises as I foced my self not to let it out.
"Mitchie! What was that!? Whats happening? Why are you running from me?" I struggled and kicked, but she had me secured. I squeezed my eyes tight not wanting to look at her. I didn't know what I'd find; anger, pity, shame?
"Mitch just, just let it go." I shook my head hard, making my headache worse. "Listen to me. Just let go, it's okay. You're allowed to cry" I felt her hand bring my chin up. "Open you're eyes." She said pleadingly. I did as she asked and the minute I did, it all came out. I sobbed into her as she just held me occasionally whispering things into my ear in attempts to calm me. She led us back to my house and up to my room. She sat me down on my bed and continued to just hold me till I was done. She kissed my tear stained cheek letting her lips linger against my cheek.
"Mitchie, why wont you tell me what's going on?"
"Because I can't" I said queitly, just barely above a whisper.
"Why?"
"Because thats not how it's supposed to be. Thats not what I grew up being told! Don't let them in, Don't let them see" I told her gesturing with my hands. "Be the good girl I awlays have to be. Alex, I have to conceal my emotions. I can't feel becuase it just makes everything so much harder." And then it came out. Everything that had happened since she left. I showed her my scars and she cried with me. I told her everything up to where I came home today. I told her about what happened today with Tess.
"Why? Why didn't you tell me?" She asked her voice cracking and her own tears spilling over her cheeks. because like all the others, it was one of my rules; Don't let them know" It was silent as Alex took it all in.
"Well... Now they know" She said softly. I looked to her and nodded sadly.
"I can't let anyone know. I cant let my parents find out, but I cant hold it back anymore"
"Then Let it go" This was something she had often said to me, but never before now had it have so much meaning. "Let it Go Mitch."
I don't think she ever fully grasped how much those three words meant to me. The next day, she sat with me as I told my parents what had happened. Apparently she had come early to surprise me when I go home, but I ended up surprising her more and not in a good way. I went to school again and yes everyone had heard, but no one did as what Tess might have suspected. I got a lot of sincere apologies and people with their own stories. I got a lot of sympathy that I didn't want, but it was better than hate. Tess had quite a bit to say to me but I had but one response.
"The cold never bothered me anyways" I left her there looking more confused than ever. I'm not sure why I said it. Maybe to show her that she didn't have anything against me and that I wasn't scared of her.
If it weren't for Alex, I never would have made it where I am now.
"Mitchie You're on." I was told. Alex smiled before kissing me sweetly.
"Good luck, though I don't think you need it" I smiled my thanks and made my way onto the stage at Madison square garden.
"I'd like to dedicate this song to my wife. I wouldn't be where I am without her and this song means so much to me. I hope you all like it.
Let it go
Let it go
Can't hold you back anymore
Let it go
Let it go
Turn my back and slam the door

The snow blows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the Queen
The wind is howling like the swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl
You always had to be
Conceal, don't feel
Don't let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go
Let it go
Can't hold you back anymore
Let it go
Let it go
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand, and here I'll stay
Let it go
Let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all
Up here in the cold thin air
I finally can breathe
I know left a life behind but I'm to relieved to grieve

Let it go
Let it go
Can't hold you back anymore
Let it go
Let it go
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let it go
Let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway

Standing frozen in the life I've chosen
You won't find me, the past is so behind me
Buried in the snow

Let it go
Let it go
Can't hold you back anymore
Let it go
Let it go
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let it go
Let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway