FIN Joyous Akatsuki parody fic
Izuna: I, sadly, don't own the Akatsuki. At least, I think. I do own a rubber ducky named Izuna-chan.
Dragoness: I do own this, and if anyone says otherwise, I will kidnap them and make Obama shoot them through the head with a guitar.
Gaara: But you DON'T own us.
Izuna: Gaara, you really shouldn't have...
Dragoness: Kukukukukuuuu
Gaara: 0.0
Dragoness: *kidnaps joyously*
Gaara: *is kidnapped with the help of Sai, Dragoness' victim-erm, underling*
Izuna: Ehm... Well, the fic must go on, despite its sudden lack of Gaara, who we had hired to control Dragoness.
Pein sat slumped at his desk with a pounding headache. He adamantly refused to believe that the headache was the fault of the seven or so bottles of sake he had had the previous night, instead blaming it on immature criminals.
To prove his point, Uchiha Madara burst through the wall with a loud crash. Somehow, he managed to look excited even through his orangely orange mask. Madara was making a giggling sound that reminded Pein of Hidan's laugh. But worse. Much worse.
"Madara-sama, what are you on...?" Pein deigned to ask.
Madara let out another Hidan laugh. "Zetsu-chan gave me CAFFEINE pills! He thought it was sleeping pills! I'm WIIIIIDE AWAKE now!" he said, laughing hysterically even more.
Pein couldn't take it. Hyper Madara was bad enough, but hyper Madara jumping through walls and laughing like a hyena at five in the freaking morning? He settled on force, punching the masked nin in the face, well, mask; knocking him out so the peace could return. He succeeded, and then cursed profusely. He was suddenly struck by the fact that Madara was his boss and an S-ranked criminal, and would probably execute him painfully later. Anyways, he was too late. The entire Akatsuki was awake, except for Kisame. The damn fish slept like a rock.
The sounds of an average Akatsuki morning started up, minus Tobi's contributions. Hidan screamed curses as he woke up to find that, sometime in the night, Sasori had strung him up and tied him to the ceiling. That would probably be his revenge for Hidan planting termites in his bed out of boredom the previous day.
Next were the crashes that came from Itachi emotionlessly tripping down the stairs, gliding impassively like the ANBU captain he is into walls, and knocking over conveniently placed glass things that really had no other purpose.
Itachi tripped through the hole that Madara had made and landed facedown on Madara himself. He sat up on Madara's chest, one leg on either side of the evil ninja, and looked down. "Kisame?" he asked with impassive confusion. (Izuna: Itachi is so cool that he can do the impossible ^_^)
Pein facepalmed. "Itach-" He started, before the aforesaid weasel interrupted him.
"Pein-sama? It's good that you've arrived. Kisame feels stone cold." Itachi prodded (Izuna: Not poked, weasels don't poke) Madara's mask to add to his words
"Ita-" Pein tried again
"Stop /babbling/, Leader-sama. Something is wrong with Kisame."
"THAT'S MADARA-SAMA!" Pein yelled frustratedly at the blind weasel.
Deidara walked in inconveniently. (Dragoness: I say conveniently…) His eyes grew huge. "Itachi-San, WHAT the HELL are you doing to Zetsu-san's pet, un?"
Itachi leapt away from Madara with ANBU speed. Pein guessed that the action was supposed to look cool, but Itachi ruined the effect by crashing into a cheerily smiling scarecrow in an Akatsuki cloak and straw hat.
"What the-" Itachi started, barely stopping himself from showing un-Uchihaness in front of his social inferiors. The orange-masked ninja awoke.
Madara sat up. "Why do I feel strangely violated?"
Itachi went red. Deidara just stared, and then left. "I'll just be leaving now... Un..."
"Madara-sama, has the caffeine worn off yet?" Pein asked the violated mastermind.
"...Caffeine?" Itachi asked, frozen in shock at the terrifying word.
"Yes, caffeine, my dear weasel. That wonderful, wonderful stuff that helps normal people climb on ceilings" Madara explained with a deceptively calm voice. Deceptively calm because, as soon as Pein breathed a sigh of relief at his calmness, Madara immediately jumped on Itachi.
"NI! NI NI NI! COWER AT THE SOUND OF NI!" Madara yelled at poor Itachi as the weasel was whacked repeatedly with a plank of wood that had appeared from nowhere to aid Madara in his Quest for World Domination.
Sasori walked in, and promptly spun on his heel and walked out. "It seems that the brat was right" he muttered. Madara froze. He turned slowly to stare at Sasori's retreating back.
"Shit" Pein hissed. Madara loped toward the puppet on all four legs. Sasori began to turn, eyes wide. His tail shot out to knock away Madara, but it was too slow. Madara landed on Hiruko's back, and, clinging on tightly, stuck a red clown nose on Hiruko's face.
"What the?" the redhead spluttered, staring cross-eyed at the nose.
Madara jumped over Sasori's shocked little head and loped out the door on four legs. "SENPAI!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "SEENPAAAAII! Come and play, Senpai!" He galloped off. After a stunned minute, Sasori hurried out to hide and secretly see how the nose looked on Hiruko.
Pein did the only thing he could to help the youngest Akatsuki member. "Run, Deidara! Run for your life!" he yelled.
Itachi frowned. "What will Madara-sama do?"
Pein shuddered. "Remember when the Kyuubi attacked Konohagakure?" Everyone's favorite weasel nodded. "Well, that was the other time Zetsu gave him caffeine pills. Purely in the name of experiment, of course. I think that caffeine in general reacts badly with his immortality. After that, he was only allowed sleeping pills, to keep him non-homicidal and to give him the semblance of sanity. If Madara finds Deidara, terrible things will happen and Deidara might not survive." (Dragoness: UNDERSTATEMENT MUCH?)
Itachi considered this. Sure, the nuke nin was relatively useful, but he was irritating and loud as well. And he had freaky hands. "... Do we have to save him from Madara-sama?"
Pein turned to him, quite serious. "If Madara-sama kills or mentally disturbs a member, you're finding a new member who's at least at par with the member in ability. We don't need a second person with the mental stability of Madara-sama with caffeine."
Itachi ran off, somehow managing to not run into, well, everything. Following Madara's cackles, he arrived at Deidara and Sasori's room a few minutes after Madara.
Itachi ran in, making a dramatic entrance befitting of an Uchiha and saw Madara...playing with a rubber ducky? The crazy Uchiha was completely ignoring Deidara, who he had tied to a chair and gagged with the most useful material known to mankind, duct tape. Deidara looked alarmed, to say the least. "Mmpf!" he said urgently.
Madara looked over at Deidara. "Shush, Dei-kun. You're upsetting Ducky-chan." he said condescendingly. He ignored Itachi, gently placing a purple and neon green bowler hat on his ducky. Then, without looking up, he brought out a miniature cherry blossom patterned gunbai uchiwa. He fanned himself with it thoughtfully. "Ita-chan" he started. "Bring me some inarizushi"
(Izuna: His favourite food :D)
Itachi didn't move.
Madara turned to the stoic, sober Uchiha. "Pleeease, 'Tachi-kun?"
Itachi shook his head. Madara pouted, crossing his arms. "But whyyy, 'Tachi-kun?" he whined.
"Because Leader-sama is going to make me recruit a new member if you disturb Deidara beyond repair, which is quite likely to happen if I leave." Itachi pointed out.
Deidara did not look reassured.
Madara let out an excited "Oh!", a lantern-style idea lightbulb over his head.
He ran out of the room, completely forgetting about poor Deidara. Itachi put some clay in Deidara's reach before running after Madara.
As it turned out, Itachi had put the clay just OUT of poor Deidara's reach. Ah well. He'll figure out something, I'm sure.
So, Itachi caught up with Madara again. This time the insane Uchiha was in Kisame and Itachi's room. He never let anyone (minus Kisame, of course) into his room. Ever. It was in section 11.3 in the handbook he gave to Kisame, /How to keep me from Mangekyou-ing you/.
"Tobi-kun, GET the HELL out of my room." he growled.
Madara turned, a large knife in hand. "But I'm hungry, and you won't bring me any inarizushi! I thought I could make some pretty blue shark-sashimi"
Itachi threw Madara's beloved rubber ducky at him. It worked. He dropped the knife, choosing to catch the ducky instead. "Izuna-chan!" he cried out. He stroked the ducky. "You're alright now, I've got you, that meanie Ita-chan won't be able to hurt you." he turned to the other Uchiha. "If there's even one feather out of place, I'll make YOU into sashimi and give it to Zetsu-chan!" he threatened seriously. Kisame watched with interest. The second Tobi dropped the knife, he'd woken up. He had instinctively started awake at the slight clink. His Sharkey Swordsman senses were tingling.
Itachi began to cautiously advance on Madara, who just stood there, watching. When Itachi was within a meter of the hyper Uchiha, Madara screamed. Itachi covered his ears. Kisame fell off his bed. They had never heard such a loud sound.
Konan ran in. Madara ran up and tugged her cloak like a child. "Konan-chaaan, Itachi-sama thinks I'm Sasuke-kun! He told me I lack hatred, and he tried to Tsukuyomi me! Also, he tried to jump on me! I think Itachi-sama's a pervert" he whined pitifully.
Konan glared at Itachi. "Itachi..." she growled.
Madara tap-danced out to cause mental damage to other members, leaving the sounds of papery carnage behind. He ran into Hidan.
"What the fuck? Watch where you're going." Hidan said as way of greeting.
"'What the fuck?' No no no." Madara waggled his finger. "It's what the FRIDGE, not what the FUCK. Silly Jashinist, you could at least get it right!" Hidan gave the hyper Uchiha a funny look, but he carried on regardless. "Secondly, I think that you need to be taught a lesson. If you're going to swear, swear PROPERLY."
Hidan groaned. "Shit" he moaned. He despised lectures.
Madara pointed at him. "That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about! It isn't 'shit', it's sassafras! And it's cricket, not crap, and it's Helsinki, not hell. YOU sure weren't hired for your brains, were you, zombie boy?"
Hidan swung his scythe at the evil mastermind. Madara jumped to the side. "STAY STILL, for Jashin's sake!" Hidan yelled, swinging his scythe even more.
Madara waggled his finger again. "Nuh uh uh~, don't say Jashin! Chuck Norris is the only true go-" he was cut off by Pein slidetackling him, barely saving him from decapitation. Madara looked at his saviour. "Oh, hello Leader-chan! Fancy seeing you here! How is being Kage working out for ya?"
Pein looked at the Uchiha like he was crazy. Which, on second thought, he probably was. "Are you SURE you're an Uchiha?" Pein panted. Seriously, NO Uchihas act like Madara! They'd rather die!
"Yep! All Uchihas have low caffeine and alcohol tolerance. I'm lucky enough to have rather high tolerance, for an Uchiha. Believe me when I say you never want to get Ita-chan drunk. He's got extremely low tolerance, for an Uchiha. Him drunk is like nothing I've seen" Madara stated, giggling slightly at the end.
"Madara-sama, I didn't need to know that. For an Uchiha, you sure are a-"
Orochimaru burst through the wall, riding on Manda, the head summon snake.
"WHAT THE CHUCK NORRIS?" Madara shrieked.
"THERE ARE MORE UCHIHAS?" Orochimaru yelled joyously in return. Kabuto stood on the ground beside Manda, adjusting his glasses jealously. Orochimaru did a fist-pump. "Yess!" our favorite snake-creeper cheered.
He hopped off of Manda and stalked over to Madara and Pein. He raised his eyebrow at the pair. Pein's eyes widened, realizing the snakey-guy's assumption. Orochimaru slapped Pein across the face hard. "Leader, you should know that all Uchihas are mine! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL AN UCHIHA FROM ME?" the snake-sannin cried overdramatically.
"Do I get a say in this?" Madara inquired.
"Of course, Uchi-kun." Orochimaru cooed
"My say is that you are a creeper, and I'm not interested in a ::probably:: male snake-person." Madara looked around, and realized that no- one was listening. "NINPOU: MOGURA TATAKI NO JUTSU!~" He began diving into the ground and popping up at random spots all over the room. Orochimaru was arguing with Pein about who the crazy Uchiha belonged to, and Kabuto was reading an Icha Icha Tactics he had found somewhere. He had a major nosebleed.
"Think we should stop Tobi-kun?" White Zetsu inquired as he walked
down the hall to his room.
"NAH. THIS IS WAAAY TOO ENTERTAINING" Black Zetsu smiled.
"...But won't he get to us eventually?" White Zetsu pointed out
"THAT'S WHEN WE STOP HIM. REMEMBER, WE STILL HAVE HIS SLEEPING PILLS."
"How many pills again?"
"ENOUGH TO TAKE DOWN A BIJÛ." Zetsu entered his room and froze. All of
his plants had kunai through them. Some were even in flames. Zetsu's
new Icha Icha Tactics book was even gone! He clenched his fists after
dousing the pitiful remains of his dearly departed plants.
"NOW can we kill him?" White Zetsu growled.
"SEDATE HIM, THEN KILL HIM. SLOWLY. WITH SASORI'S OLD POISONS." Black
Zetsu planned.
"Ah yes, poison adds a nice edge to the flavour. However, immortals
are probably tough and chewy. Bad flavour. Kinda moldy tasting."
Zetsu's white half pointed out.
Zetsu headed off in search of Madara, never once stopping to wonder
how they would catch someone with a time-space ninjutsu and the
Sharingan.
Izuna: Aaand, taadaa!
Sai: Should I really have helped an irresponsible, rabid fangirl kidnap the Kazekage?
Dragoness: *yelling from afar* YES!
Gai: YOUTH!
Izuna: GAI-SENSEI!
*scene fades out dramatically*
*scene is forcibly continued on threat of Punishment by Exposure to Youth*
Gai and Rock Lee: POWER OF YOUTH!
*scene fades out for the final time, slightly less dramatically out of annoyance*