Summary: Innocent implied SLASH, not so innocent murder. A whimsical glance at Snape's life in a Post-War future where the Dark side wins, co-starring Draco Malfoy.
Pureblood Cooking With Severus Snape
"A polite silence from our studio audience here at ZRD-TV for Senior Death Eater, Potions Master, Alchemist to the Dark Lord, Ninth Degree Dark Artist, Bokor of Tropical Healing, Transitional Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Founder of the Snape School for Culinary Excellence, awarded Snake and Scull Seals of Approval for Stealth, Deceit and Loyalty, and the Order Of Morrighan First Class, author of one Potions text, and twenty-three best selling post-house-elf cookbooks, Master Chef, Severus Snape."
A door that seems to lead from a dark basement flies open without a sound. A tall, ghostly pale, black haired, fiftyish-looking wizard noted for his intense gaze, wandless magic, and eccentric attachment to vintage clothing steps gracefully out to stand before a black marble altar in a well appointed kitchen. Despite the request for silence, a few mental incompetents applaud anyway or scream things like, "I want to have your baby!"or "Snape! You're still a greasy git!" only to receive expert hexing and discrete removal from special security.
"Today you will learn an interesting way to prepare an old pureblood family favorite, a Roast Most Fowl. I do not intend to explain the proper way to prepare and roast the fowl. If you have been paying attention and taking notes you are familiar by now with such elementary processes. If you are new to cooking and this program and have a brain more active than the average inanimate object, you can easily acquire such information elsewhere. Some of you, and you know who you are, will never manage to learn anything about roasting or any other cooking technique even though you have nothing more pressing to do with your time than the mindless worship of these magical idiot boxes that now occupy the focal point of your abysmal excuses for wizarding lives. My time is far too valuable to waste endlessly repeating myself for the supposed benefit of miscreant no talent culinary disasters like yourselves. Starve or poison yourselves, your spouses, and your children. See if I care."
Chef Severus glides around the counter passing a small dining table with setting for four and sweeps down steps into the first rows of the audience.
"Right now, I have a willing victim in the audience, who has agreed to assist me with the preparation of stuffing."
The magical camera zooms to close up, something it has not dared do until now. The screen is filled with the ethereal visage of a thirty year old platinum blond male, with vaulted bone structure, porcelain skin, mischievous gray eyes, and a soul stealing smile.
"It is my honour, sir. I am a longtime fan of yours and of the art of pureblood cookery."
Off camera, Severus bows his head slightly to the side, offers his hand, and then gallantly escorts the young man onto stage.
"Tell everyone your name."
"My name is Malfoy but you, sir, may call me Draco. Just do not call me late for dinner, Chef Snape."
"If you will put your gloves on, you may start by finely chopping these mushrooms with that knife." Snape turns to face the camera, "Most species of wild mushrooms are not poisonous though many more fall into the category of the non-edible for various reasons. Even the genus considered most deadly includes many species of edibles. What Draco now chops are from that genus. Do you have any idea which genus that may be, Draco?"
"Are these amanitas?"
"Correct! For that I will let you try only the edible varieties."
"Why thank you, sir."
"Draco is, in fact, chopping is a mixture of three species of the so-called Destroying Angels, Amanita bisporigera, Amanita virosa, and Amanita ocreata. They are three of the most deadly mushrooms known. After six hours or more of perfect health, consumption typically produces extreme gastric upset and massive fluid loss. Should the victim survive this stage or bypass it, the liver turns to mush and is thus unable to function. The body drowns in its own waste resulting in a slow, painful death. Destroying Angels are easy to acquire in their dried form, harder to come by fresh. They are excellent for use in either form for the purposes of pureblood cookery.
What I am chopping on my board is a mixture of fresh Amanita caesarea, Amanita velosa, and Amanita rubescens, which are not only edible when cooked but renown for their exquisite flavours. Today we will use both edible and deadly amanitas to make simple and effective stuffing for our Roast Most Fowl. A word about the fowl itself, feel free to use any kind of bird but make sure that it is fresh. I find that while non-mandatory attendance at animal sacrifices can be tedious, one can procure fresh and excellent meat that way. Draco, transfer your chopped mushrooms to your mixing bowl and then remove your gloves."
With a wave of his hand, Snape transfers his chopped mushrooms to his own mixing bowl.
"We will each add one cup of fresh bread crumbs, 1 teaspoon of freshly fine ground black pepper, four cloves of pressed garlic, excellent for masking the tell-tale flavour of Destroying Angels, plus one beaten egg yolk, 3 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil, and half a cup of dry white wine or vermouth. Today we will use this young but enjoyably potable Sauvignon Blanc de Chatelain Noir.
Once our ingredients are combine, the real spellwork begins. A first spell is required to keep the poison from Draco's mushrooms from contaminating the rest of our food. The spell I will use will contain the stuffing itself and the poison of the mushrooms along with it."
Chef Severus points at Draco's stuffing mixture. "Contineo hermetica!"
"I now will cast a spell on the bird so that, as it cooks, its juices will permeate the containment spell, allowing the bird's flavour to mingle with the ingredients of the contaminated stuffing. After all, wanting to poison someone does not necessarily indicate the wish to deprive them of a memorable dining experience."
Chef Severus points at the bird, "Foro hermetica!"
"I will also erect a barrier to separate the interior of the bird into right and left halves. This barrier will make stuffing the bird easier, as well as safer for the host and guests not intended for a dose of poison."
"Interior lateralis divideo contega!"
"Now it is a simple matter of transferring each stuffing into the fowl on its proper side either by spellwork or manually. I have prepared and roasted a bird ahead of time. I now will ask for Mr. and Mrs. Hillcock from our audience to join Draco and I. Mr. Hillcock, escort your wife onto the stage."
The camera centers on a couple in the audience. The two are well-dressed and in their fifties. They arise and join Chef Severus and Draco.
"The Hillcocks are recently revealed enemies of the Dark Lord. I now have them both under Imperius. Mrs. Hillcock, allow me to seat you at my table."
Chef Severus does.
"Draco, Mr. Hillcock, take your seats."
Chef Severus also sits, across from Draco with his back to the magical camera.
"The serving spoons are also spelled. One can serve only poisoned stuffing. The other can serve only the non-poisoned. Finite hermetica incantum! I have just lifted the containing spell on the poisoned stuffing to allow for proper digestion. Draco, please help yourself to stuffing using the spoon with the bone handle."
Draco sits, pulls his serviette into his lap and serves himself.
"Mr. Hillcock, serve stuffing to your wife using the spoon with the silver handle. Using the same spoon, then serve yourself stuffing."
They do. Severus takes a small amount of stuffing from each spoon, keeping them separate on his plate.
"Draco, Mr. and Mrs. Hillcock, do try the stuffing."
Draco glances over at the Hillcocks who seem to be enjoying their stuffing and at Severus, who is not eating but is placing steamed vegetables and slices carved from the breast of the fowl onto his plate, keeping everything carefully separate. Severus looks directly into Draco's eyes. His face is unreadable.
Draco smiles in amusement at his lover then takes a bit of stuffing into his mouth all the time maintaining the eye contact. He can taste mushrooms and garlic. He is very fond of both. He has no idea what 'the tell-tale flavour of Destroying Angel' tastes like. He imagines that few aside from Severus would.
"Mrs. Hillcock, tell me what you think of the stuffing."
"I think it is very tasty."
"Thank you."
"Mr. Hillcock, tell me what you think of the stuffing."
"Quite delicious."
"I am so pleased to hear it."
"Draco, what you think of the stuffing?"
"It's wonderful, sir. I think you should have some!"
"I never eat mushrooms. That concludes the lesson for today. Tomorrow, I will demonstrate the proper preparation of dessert aphrodisiacs."
"Chef Snape, I'd very much like to assist you with that. May I?"
"Perhaps. Until next time, I leave you with these words of wisdom from the ancient wizard Lucretius: what is food for one man, is bitter poison for others."
-Thanks just for reading! Any sort of review, even flames, appreciated!