Disclaimer: Don't own the Dwarf, blah, blah, blah...
Those who were talking last night with me will soon realise that this is the controversal story that I decided to write anyway, probably will get deleated if hated after the first few chapters, but at least give it a chance for all the angst to come...
Trying Times
Boredom
Cat yawned idly, scanning his perfect nails and thinking of how boring it was when people weren't trying to blow them to bits.
He looked to his left to see Lister – the last human in the universe and major slob swigging a can of beer and reading a comic on the history of World War 2, he snorted with laughter at something, causing his beer to spray everywhere, Cat pulled a look of disgust – Lister may be his best bud and all but there was no accounting for style or manners.
He turned away as Lister began to wipe the larger from his shirt with his sleeve, Cat looked behind him as Rimmer walked in and sat down in a mood, he didn't know what was wrong with the hologram and he didn't particularly want to find out, he guessed he would anyway from the conversation but he wasn't sure if he wanted to listen to Lister and Rimmer bicker as always… He thought about his options and decided it was entertainment after all, and sat back to enjoy the fun.
"What's eating you? You've got a face on you that couldn't be worse than if you'd just found out I'd flushed your James Last CD collection into space." Lister observed turning round to be met by a glare and a flare of nostrils.
"You HAVE flushed my James Last CD's into space you cretionus pile of faeces that barely counts of being human" Rimmer spat, turning to glare at Cat as a smile began to creep onto his face.
"It was an ACCIDENT!" Lister protested with that loveable scouser rogue look going on, not that Rimmer was noticing through his anger.
"I ask you Lister how it is impossible to put all my James Last CD's into the waste disposal and eject them by accident… You even got the one I hid it The Cat's wardrobe!"
"I wondered why it smelt of you – just because you have no style doesn't mean you can start mimicking me Nostril Arches!" Cat retorted as he realised Rimmer had been inside his sanctuary.
"I don't want your clothes you stupid feline I just didn't think Lister would have found them – It's like a smegging forest in there!" Rimmer retorted, a red rash of anger and embarrassment developing up his neck towards his cheeks, he scratched the burning, red patch and was about to continue but his insult track was lost as the bustling body of Kryten came colliding into the cockpit looking highly worried.
"Sirs! I'm afraid I have terrible news to report… Oh I can't even SAY it!" Kryten whined his features contorting and twisting in a way not natural for even him.
"What is it Kryten? We've not run out of poppadoms again? Lister asked panic rising in his voice.
"Yes, what would we do with out poppadoms?" Rimmer replied in a thoughly dead pan and unexcited voice.
"Worse sirs, oh its so terrible – Frank's gone on strike!" At this news the 3 fellow Dwarfers turned to each other in confusion.
"Frank?" They all asked incredulously.
"The washing machine, he works better with an identity.
"If that's true why has he stopped working?" Rimmer asked rolling his eyes at the absurdity of the conversation; Kryten made to reply but didn't get the chance as Cat interrupted, his eyes ablaze with fear.
"Guys I'm getting something, and it's coming up FAST!" He looked around to see that his crewmates had a look of scepticism about their features, but one look at Cat's face and they were quickly scanning their apparatus.
"Hey he's right!" Rimmer announced, a large amount of shock clearly evident in his voice. "Looks like a rogue stimulant ship – highly upgraded and it's heading straight for us!"
"Oh smeg man what we do? Is there time to scarper Krytes?" Lister asked as he downed the last of his larger and threw the can onto the floor as he turned to operate his controls. The can landed with a hollow crash onto the floor making everyone flinch and Cat jump like he'd just been shot.
"Negative sir, we are already powering away at full speed but as mister Rimmer already stated the ship is highly upgraded, it is far too superior for us." Kryten hung his head in fright for a second as he contemplated the doom of what he had just said before focusing his optical receivers once more on the screen of data in front of him.
"SMEG! What do we do man?" Lister asked as Rimmer warned that the enemy ship was within enemy range.
"Holding onto your lunch would be a start!" Cat replied as he swung Starbug into a hard turn to avoid and onslaught of fire.
"They've got a lock on!" Rimmer called.
"Gee man don't you think you were a little late on that?" Lister cried sarcastically
"Incoming message punching her up…"
"Do not try to escape or retaliate or we will shoot you out of the sky, surrender now and we may spare your lives."
"WE SURRENDER!" Rimmer hollered in his usual surrender first pretend to be brave later attitude.
"Rimmer man shut up – it'll be a trap, there's no way they're going to let us live – we're the scourge of the universe, remember?"
"You better not be including me in that description – there's no WAY I rank in the league teams – I'm up there in the premiership buds!" Cat commented, jumping as the stimulant vessel caught them with one of their warning shots.
"Shut up Cat, and let's concentrate on not getting blown to pieces – OK?"
"Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan!" Cat yelled in response pulling up hard on the controls as a more powerful bolt was fired, his reflex reactions were too late though and the dash board exploded, Kryten and Rimmer of course were able to duck, shielding themselves from the debris, but Cat and Lister was hit head on, thrown from their chairs to the floor on impact with an agonising crunch.